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Hi, my name is tula!


  • JennysDadJennysDad Member Posts: 2,308 Pioneering
    Hello @tula, and welcome to the community :)
    You're safe among friends here so, if you can, tell us a little about yourself so that we can get to know you a little better and to discover ways of helping and supporting you. And don't be in the least afraid of asking any questions you may have.
    Warmest best wishes to you,
  • Lasian_ScopeLasian_Scope Member Posts: 660 Pioneering
    Welcome to the community @tula.

    Like @RichardVR suggested, it would be great to learn a bit about you if you're comfortable sharing!
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Hi I'm on Esa. The one you.Don't have look for work. my son's father, who is an x policeman, mentally and physically abused me. I got out of the situation for the sake of myself and my son. He didn't stop until he took everything away from me and all I had left was our son, whom he managed to brainwash. I was never married to that man. I haven't seen my son for two years.
  • JennysDadJennysDad Member Posts: 2,308 Pioneering
    Hello @tula
    So sorry to read your story, Tula. I have a passionate hatred for abusive men, and yours seems to have been 'a real piece of work'.
    Does it help to talk about it, or do you have related issues - benefit, medical or other issues - with which you'd like help? Please do talk to us.
    Warmest best wishes to you,
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Hi Richard. I have had counselling, it's hard for me, I have excepted that my son isn't with me but it's worse than a death. I have a partner who would call with me every day and would stay a few nights. Fraud squad was out with me this day week and said that someone reported me that he was living here. That's pushed me over board.
  • JennysDadJennysDad Member Posts: 2,308 Pioneering
    edited February 2018
    Hello @tula
    I'm not offering you counselling, Tula,  :) I'm not a counsellor, only a willing, listening friend if you can use me.
    There is much already that we have in common. One of the worst experiences in my life was the death, a quarter of a century ago, of my 4.5 year old daughter. I had been her primary carer and the primary carer for my son. I became the sole carer for my son for 12 years after my first wife walked out after the death of our daughter. 13 years ago my second wife was offered a job that was very important to her, in London - we're from Yorkshire originally - and we set out to move down here as a family. My son, however, for reasons never properly understood, except perhaps some anxiety about changing schools, told us that he wanted to remain in Yorkshire and live with his mum. He did this for about a year, the first time we were ever really apart, and being without him very nearly broke me.
     I did not know at the time that it would be just for a year, did not know that his mum's mental health would break down so completely that I would have to run up there to, quite literally, rescue him. So for a year, it felt like I had lost my second child, and my ex was not someone who could be trusted not to try to brainwash him either.
    There is an article in today's Guardian, I think, about the epidemic of ill-advised and ignorant 'informing' that is going on, people reporting others for mostly imaginary offences against the benefits system, so what you say saddens me deeply but does not surprise me.
    Before she died, my massively handicapped, very needy little girl was a very poor and irregular sleeper. The one thing that almost guaranteed she would fall asleep was to take her out in the car, visiting her many friends. On one occasion she, Jenny, fell asleep in the car as I returned to our home and, in modest temperatures, with a window partially opened and with the car in my plain sight from the house window, I allowed her to continue to sleep. A little later in the day, after she had been awake and back in the house, I took her on a second trip, but quite a long one, and again she fell asleep when we returned and I left her as before. Someone saw her asleep in the car earlier in the day, then saw her asleep in the car later in the day, and assumed she had been left in the car for the whole time. They reported me to Social Services, alleging neglect. It was, of course, disproved, but after I had received a brief and peremptory invitation to attend Social Services for a meeting, I had a very nasty month or so waiting, with no knowledge of what had been or might have been alleged, for the meeting to take place. And to attend that meeting, to listen to the false accusation and have to answer for it was simply bloody awful.
    It is awful to be so judged and to know that there are unidentified people living close to you who would watch and judge a neighbour in such a way. It was and is brutal, and was and is a very sad reflection on what this country has become, so I do understand, Tula, where you are coming from. My heart goes out to you, truly.

    So I'm here, a friend if one can be useful, not a counsellor, merely someone who knows what it is like to be repeatedly handed (please forgive the language) the sh***y end of the stick.
    Warmest and most sincere best wishes to you, Tula,


  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Aww bless you. You haven't had it easy. Xx
  • JennysDadJennysDad Member Posts: 2,308 Pioneering
    Sweet of you, @tula, but I'm here for you. You matter xx So please stay in touch.
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous
    Hi Tula

    Welcome to this forum, I am new here myself, just joined today and this is the first forum that I have ever joined for anything.

    I am glad Richard reached out to you, he seems like a great guy and he made me feel welcome as well.

    I wish you (and Richard) the very best, and I hope things improve for you.

    All the best

  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Hi thank you. Richard seems to be a lovely person.
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous
    No worries. And you are in good company now. Just keep motoring on and I hope things start to turn in your favour. Good luck to you and have a good 2018.
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Thanks darling xxx
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous
    Hi Tula - just checking in and seeing how you are doing today.  :)
  • steve51steve51 Member Posts: 7,175 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @tula

    Welcome to our online community/family.

    I’m so so sorry for you if must have been “hell”

    That type of “scum” should’nt have been here in the “first place”

    I’m so sorry for the “rant” but it really gets to me!!!!!

    There are many of people around the “world” who would give up everything to have our positions l.

    So for more “rants” that’s me done for a while “Sorry”

    Let”s get started on the “main/real business”

    Please please talk to me if that would “HELP”

    I have got “Very Very Very Big Shoulders”

    So fire away I’m ready & waiting for anytime of “Day”
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Good morning. Not feeling good mentally again. Can't even leave the house. I need to get rehoused as I can't afford this private rental . Can anyone help.
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Can you get pip for mental health
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @tula

    You could try the PIP self test here - I am sorry to hear you are struggling.  We also have a benefits calculator you can fill in to see what you could be entitled to.
    Senior online community officer
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Hi could you send me those details please. I'm thinking off moving my partner in. He is working and I get esa. The support group. My partner would call every day and would stay a few nights. Fraud squad was with me and said that he was living here and I have to declare this. Please help as I don't know what to do. Many thanks. Tula.
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous

    If you did, you will have to make it clear that it was under duress. I say this after reading your post.

    First of all, never speak to the fraud squad again unless there is somebody there in your corner and can safeguard your rights.

    Insist on this.

    And make it clear that you are scared and vulnerable and will not continue with this meeting until that condition /requirement is met.

    You need to be firm with this.

    Normally the fraud squad would monitor your home for three days consecutively, but that is not set in stone. Maybe you were unlucky for those days that you were being monitored and your partner was visiting. People in a relationship are allowed to spend time together.
    Can you prove that your partner has his own home (renting or owned)?

    That would go a long way in discrediting some of the allegations levelled against you.

    Also, are you able to visit and stay with your partner as well, just to mix it up?
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Hi. Thank you for your advice. He has been staying with me because I haven't been well. What do I do. He also stays with his sister in lisburn. He doesn't have a permanent address, as he came home from London, three years ago. 
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    My x who took my son, whom I looked after for 14 years, who has autism. I think he reported me as we had words before Christmas. Haven't spoke to that man from my son left. He rang me and the abuse he give me was unbelievable. 
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous
    I think it is childish and cruel that somebody would go out of their way to the abuse the mother of his child. The good thing is that you have moved on from him.

    You will need to get one of those special phones that can record conversations and the next time he calls to give abuse, do mention why he reported you to the DWP. 

    So is your boyfriend spending more than a few days at your place if he is visiting from abroad? And if he is visiting the UK from abroad, then it is perfectly fine for him to stay at yours. I have known friends and relatives that visit from abroad and spend weeks (and months) at somebody's place. 

    So when your boyfriend is in the UK, where does he stay when he is not at yours?

    If he is homeless then he will need to find a hostel place and then get on the housing waiting list. Hostels are the shortcut to get housing.

    Do return to the CAB and explain your situation and arrange with somebody to advocate for you in this matter. The last thing you want is to have your benefits suspended and being accussed of benefit fraud.

    Also, get in touch with the Scope Community Team and take some more advice from them.

    I will say this and I hope you do not take it in the wrong way and in the positive  spirit that I am communicating with you as I am always honest and straight with people. At times it is better to be this way, rather than keep sugar-coating the problem.

    For 2018, you have to make a concerted effort to stop being the 'victim', to eradicate all negative people from your life, to be proactive and to fight for your rights for a better life. If not, then I see you sinking even further into despair. But  this change has to come from you, from within. It will not happen overnight but you will have to start somewhere.

    I will hope that 2018 is your year for better things to come.

    Keep strong.

  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    I am a strong person, didn't meet my new partner until 2years.ago. he came home from London after his marriage broke up and was living with his mum. 
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    I understand about benefit fraud and my benefits being stopped. This wAs over 4weeks ago from they were out with me. I'm a very honest person and have never been in trouble in my life. Thank you for thoughts, on this issue.
  • Han_SoloHan_Solo Member Posts: 114 Courageous
    I am glad you took my last email in the spirit that it was intended.

    From reviewing your situation it seems that you are constantly reacting to things, and in time I would like you to be proactive in things. But it will take time.

    Use your strength to not take any more of your ex's abuse.  Hopefully a mediator can be involved in this and then start the long process of trying to reconnect you with your son. At some stage it might have to go to court, to insure that your rights as a mother is respected and honoured.

    If grandparents who have fallen out with their kids can get the law to make sure they see their grandchildren, then you as a mother have every right to. Of course there are caveats to every situation.

    If he was living with his mum (your partner) after he returned from London, then where is he living now if he is only just visiting you for a couple of nights?

    If he is still at his mother's, then this needs to be made clear.

    If you do not want to tell me then fair enough, but the fraud squad will eventually want to know. So be prepared to answer them.

    If he is living at yours full-time, then explain that you needed the support to help you cope with your daily life as you are finding things tough.

    I hope this helps.
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Aww thanks. My son is coming 18 in July. We have been  through the court, two years ago. Judge couldn't understand why my son didn't want a relationship with me. His father x cid hasturned him against me. Enough said. Thank you.
  • Pippa_AlumniPippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,851 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @tula, I just wanted to say hello and add my best wishes to those above: I'm so glad that you've found people to talk to, and I hope it makes things a little easier to bear. If there's anything we can assist you with, please do let us know and we'll do our best to help.
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
    Hi and thanks. Going through a hard financial state. Depression and menapause ain't helping matters. Thinking of moving my partner in as he would call most days and would stay the odd night. Lives with his sister but works close to me. Need information on housing benefit. Thanks
  • Pippa_AlumniPippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,851 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi again @tula, you may find Scope's information on housing benefit helpful, as well as GOV.UK's resources on housing benefit which show what you may be able to claim.
  • tulatula Member Posts: 17 Listener
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