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im trying to supprt my son, but im finding it so hard.

bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
edited September 2018 in Mental health and wellbeing

I'm provoundly deaf with other disabilities, and also suffer with mental health.

A few weeks ago, my son told me that he was suffering with depression, but that he has gone to his doctor for help.
His doctor as prescribed him "Prozac" and also referred him for counselling (PRP six sessions for two weeks).
What shocked me the most and I still find very distressing, is that he as also been self harming. 
When he showed me his arms, I was devastated, but didn't show him how distressed I was.

When I asked him why he was depressed, he said because of the bulling in school and issues with his dad, he said he feels lonely and that his dad doesn't care about him.

Even though I haven't spoken with his dad for over a year, he asked me if I would speak to him and tell him how he feels. To be honest I really didn't want to, because I know it never ends well, but I needed to support my son.

I asked my husband if he would txt his dad, so that I could talk to him through his email (I'm deaf so that was the best way of communicating with him).
The reason my husband has contact with his dad, is because I have two other children and they arrange contact between them.

His dad has ignored my husbands txt message, and txt my son "what do you want"? my son came downstairs upset and confused and said I thought you was going to speak to him? gave me his phone to show me. I said I was sorry he did that, but my husband has told him I need to speak to him about you. (he still hasn't replied to my husbands txt)

I've done nothing but cry for weeks and I feel so helpless.
It has gotten so bad, I've even been emailing the "Samaritans" and "mind" for help. 
I was recently at my doctors and I couldn't speak, my doctor said I was already taking high doses of anti depressants, so he has referred me for counselling. But because I cant have a phone consultation, they have given me an appointment in October for a face to face consultation instead.
I'm so angry all the time I just don't know what to do?


  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,671 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevt2017
    I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time as a family, I know you have said you have spoken to Samaritans and MIND and that is great, MIND have some amazing resources around self harm.

    It must be really difficult for you all at this time, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things, you and your son are speaking to the GP and accessing support - that is such a positive step.

    MIND suggest:

    There are lots of things you can do to make a difference to someone you know who self-harms. Your attitude and how you relate to them is one of the key things that can help them feel supported. Here are some things to keep in mind:

    • Try to be non-judgemental.
    • Let the person know that you are there for them.
    • Relate to them as a whole person, not just their self-harm.
    • Try to have empathy and understanding about what they are doing.
    • Let them be in control of their decisions.
    • Offer to help them find support (see Useful contacts).
    • Remind them of their positive qualities and things they do well.
    • Try to have honest communication, where you take responsibility for any fears you have.
    Do you think it would be helpful if your son could read through some of their self help guide?

    Have you spoken to his school about the bullying issue? Are they aware of the problems? Perhaps they can offer more support for your son and deal with the problem of bullying?

    It can feel so isolating when a family member is facing mental health challenges but you arent alone, it is good that you are talking about it and I hope some of these suggestions can help a little.

    Being a mum is hard work and I know you say you are struggling to support your son, but just by speaking out and accessing support for you both is a great step.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on.
    Senior online community officer
  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,793 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevt2017, I just wanted to add my sympathies for what you've been going through at the moment- I'm so sorry to hear how tough things have been. How are you doing today?
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Sam_Scope

    I didn't recognise you then.
    Love the hair by the way.

    Sorry I should of said he's 20 years old now.

    He was very open about his bullying and said the teachers and staff kept him busy and away from other children.
    What I did find upsetting, he told me it was the whole of the school, who bullied him.

    He had a breakdown at work on Friday, so my husband had to collect him (he was a mess)

    He did have the sence to contact his support people, so they was helping him through it.

    I'm so angry at his dad for still ignoring me about my son. I don't think I've ever wanted to hurt someone so much.

    I've been hiding from his mum, when she picks up my other children up for tea, but I'm not doing it anymore.
    She needs to know what a looser her son is.

    We are all waiting for councilling even me now.
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Pippa_Scope

    Thank you 

    I'm not good to be honest.

    I've just found out I've got cataracts now.
    The refferal was sent that day to the hospital, so just waiting for the appointment.
    I'm deaf so I don't want to loose my eyesight too.

    I've also been back for my CRP blood test for the third time. (because it's high)
    I just hope it's nothing serious?

    I do have a lump but it's not painful maybe that's why?

    I've been throwing up because of all the stress. My husband says that's because I'm worrying myself sick?

  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,943 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm sorry @bevt2017 :(
    My heart goes out to you all, especially your son as I went through the same situation with my dad. Is there anything at all that I can do for you or your son?
    Thinking of you ❤️
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Community member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
    My son is 19 and has had episodes of reactive depression throughout school and into adulthood . So I can empathise with you. I also have physical and mental health issues. We chose to go to our g p anc get referred to camhs as my son didn’t want school involved. He had a brief liaison with young people’s mental health advisor who came into school from a charitable organisation but they were so thinly spread it was pointless. My son has not been given meds so far but if it would help I would support him. You probably already know it can take a few months for the meds to start working and his symptoms could get worse in the meantime. My sons father has never been in his life ( absent father) and my son is devastated by this. I never realised how much until recently after my dad passed away. If you would like to chat further please message me. Best wishes. 
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Ami2301

    Thanks sweetie ?

    He's just waiting for these PRP sessions to start.
    And I'm still waiting for my face to face consultation with "mind".

    Seems like Everything is taking forever?

    He wrote me a letter a few days ago, about how he feels and what he thinks about doing to himself.
    It was all too much for even me.

    The stress is causing me to have spasms a lot more.
    The "gabapentin" don't seem to be working.
    I'm trying to put of going to the doctors, I'm already on high doses.

    I'm going to have it out with there nan later, hopefully she can knock some sence into her son?

    I will chat to you soon for a catch up.
    Bev xx
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @debbiedo49

    When his dad walked out, he did get some help in school with "sure start".
    But like you said, the funds were very limited and unfortunately they shut down.

    I just hope this PRP councilling can help him. 
    I've never delt with them so I can't really give him any advice.

    He told me yesturday that he stopped taking his meds. I did tell him, it does take some time for them to kick in.
    He said he can't take the capsules and empties them in his mouth. I've told him to speak with his doctor, to see if they can give him something else?
    My grandad was the same, he use to crush tablets up with two spoons.

    Yes! You too can message me if you need support.
    I do that with my friend on scope, don't know how he puts up with me lol.

    Take care 
    Bev x
  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Community member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,943 Disability Gamechanger
    I know it feels like it's taking forever but I promise things will start heading in the right direction soon. Your son opening up to you, telling you how he feels, being honest...he knows you truly love him and are there to support him through anything. 
    All my love ❤️
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Ami2301

    Awww! Thank you.

    Well yesturday me and my son spoke with his dad's mum.

    She did make excuses for him, but I shot her down.
    I told her he needs to stop making excuses and own up to what he has done to all 3 of my children.

    I will try and make it short.
    His dad basically came home in the morning, after a xmas night out with work.
    And told me and my kids he was leaving, because he didn't want the financial responsibly anymore amungst other things.

    This was 2 weeks before my daughter's first birthday then Xmas day 5 days later.
    (I found out he was actually having an affair for 2 years).

    He stopped paying the mortgage and me and my 3 children were being made homeless.

    His now new wife as threatened to kill me in front of my children.
    Her ex and her son are constantly in trouble with the police and have gone to prison for drugs.

    There dad hasn't been there for his children and for the past 12 years, he's only had them twice a month for 12 years.

    Parents evenings, sports day, school plays ect he never came too.

    It's really hard for all of my children and they feel neglected by him.
    Espeially now he as another child with her.

    Just makes me so angry and helpless.
    I feel nothing but hatred for all of them and hope one day someone distroys them.
    I know I shouldn't say that but I do.

    This is why I'm finding it so hard to help my son, because I feel so much hatred towards them.

    I wish my kids would just realise he's not worth it.

    I'm having a bad day today can you tell.
    My doctor said i need help first before i can help him.
    Just see what happens now?
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,943 Disability Gamechanger

    I have been in the same position as your children, I so badly wanted my dad in my life but he messed up too many chances that I gave him. He even bullied me while I've been in hospital. He tried to convince me that I had a motor neurone disease and it made me so upset and stressed that I was physically ill. I decided enough was enough. He's out of my life now for good and I couldn't be happier.

    My point is, your children will come to realise sooner or later that he isn't worth it. I understand for you it's frustrating but they need time to accept this. You are a fantastic and strong minded mum! You are a million times better than him! 

    Hes not worth getting angry over, you are raising your kids the best way possible with love and support. 

    You will get through this, it won't happen overnight but you will get there, so will your children. 

    Always here, all my love ❤️
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @amina123

    Awww! Thank you for you kind words sweetie.

    Im so sorry for what has happened to you, I know it isn't easy.

    I've not spoke to my mum for 27 years, i also dont speak to my brother or sister.
    They won't have a relationship with me because of her.
    I have 1 niece and 4 nephews I've never even seen.

    I've been on my own since I was 18, I don't need them in my life.

    Anyway i can go on and on lol.
    My son recieved a txt from his dad yesturday. And they are meeting up for coffee and a chat on friday before he starts work.

    I just hope he gets the truth and anwsers he needs.

    He's a pathological liar so I  can't see him telling him the truth?
    We will see.

    Thanks Ami
    I know I've said it before but I think your an amazing young lady.

    Everything you have been through and your still helping others.

    It's your dad's loss.

    If you ever need a chat you know how to find me ?

    Bev ??
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi guys ?

    Just an update!

    My son is doing a lot better.

    He's still waiting for his councilling? a long waiting list I've been told.
    But does have a contact number, who he calls when he gets upset.

    I haven't seen any more self harming? 

    And he met with his dad recently and he said it went well?
    Apparently his dad was honest with him, but I haven't asked him what they've talked about.

    Bev x
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,943 Disability Gamechanger
    That’s brilliant news @bevt2017! So pleased ?

    How are you feeling?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Ami2301

    I'm ok sweetie ?

    I'm having councilling myself, to help me with my depression.

    And I've just had a face to face consultation, because they can't do it over the phone.

    My son seems better, but as we know that could change.
    I'm just trying to be supportive of him and tell him I love him all the time.

    He's probably getting fed up of me hugging and kissing him lol.

    How are you? 
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,943 Disability Gamechanger
    I am glad you have started counselling, was a long wait for you!

    He loves all the hugs and kisses! What boys don’t? Lol

    You seem a lot brighter too! Sending big hugs!

    I am good thank you, coming home next month, finally lol

    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Ami2301

    Yeah, he does really ?

    I'm really good at the minute, thank you.

    I've just done yet another interview for a journalist, this was about the menopause.

    I've done it @Pippa_Scope ?

    And I've got an appointment with a vasculities doctor on Wednesda.
    I'm hopping for a definite diagnosis, for my infections.

    But I'm panicking about this Operation for my cataracts.
    I might put a disscution on later for advice?

    Why next month? Have you been in hospital again?.
    Sorry I've not been on for a while.

    Bev xx
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,943 Disability Gamechanger
    Hope you get an answer on Wednesday @bevt2017

    Will it be posted online? If so, I will check it out :)

    I have been in hospital since 5th March then got transferred to rehab 6th June and I am being discharged next month :)

    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Community member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
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