Hello every body was not going to talk about this but it is something that effects us all .
Getting older and how it effects your mental wellbeing. How did that happen? Having a birthday yesterday on my own. Been like that now for ten years maybe more and why and how.
Suddenly realised this morning how depressed I am at this moment. Got his deep down feelings of can not shake it off from yesterday.
Not here to draw attention and seek fame and glory. Not self centred not like that at all.
Every Birthday been a difficult day due to past and most importantly my relationship with my Mother.
The one and always causing me so much grief. The nasty side of the relationship especially Birthdays to her. Constant reminders of hurting her son.
In so many ways and still it is shocking. Cannot describe the amount of crass, silly idiotic things she did to me on my Birthday. Some of it no one should be doing to their son.
This does help talking about it. Yet I can and do wonder where has all the friends I had and the times we shared.
The girlfriends and partners have gone . Memories are hazy but how did that happen?
All I ever had were relationships and so called friends who seem to want what they want from me not be a equal .
As I sit here now thinking why and how does time goes so quickly. Maybe should have grasped the opportunities that came my way.
Addiction and my mental health I know get in the way. Am and knew lost relationships due to addiction. Lost a lot of girlfriends and had to make vital decisions in one. Even walking away. From one because she was continuing the destruction of our relationship.
I stopped and she did not. Yet never felt so much relief and now wishing what if? Always having recently what if?
That is another aspects of ageing you going through more emotion and reaching out to people in your mind. Not realising they have hurt you in the past. Some have died due to addiction. Usually found out by some one . Also by the paper stopped looking at the paper well a long time.
Am now 54 and well what can I do about it in my mental state. Try and wish I could have changed so much.
One time wish if I could meet my self say about the missed opportunities and not go down the addiction route. The thing is we did not know then about alcohol or drugs. Thought this is never going to happen to me. The thing is it is done.
What do I do now? I come on here to help and advise every body. Send sunshine down the line. Try to support every body who needs it. Gives me healing inside and most of importantly a sense of well being. Inside all anxious and nervous all the time. Have no desire to go out. Have to admit can not and have fears of meeting anybody new.
Friends, relationships because they continuing to cloud my better judgement and start to want from me again.
Understand if your in a relationship please do not make demands on your partner. Understand it is a contract and should be spread equally. Not hurting and harming your partner. Like my partners did to me.
End result you will end up being lonely like me. Trusting no one and feeling depressed .
Be on your own on days should be celebrated.
Thank you to those who are reading this. Know what I am saying.
@thespiceman
