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thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
Hello every body was not going to talk about this but it is something that effects us all .

Getting older and how it effects your mental wellbeing.  How did that happen? Having a birthday yesterday on my own.  Been like that now for ten years maybe more and why and how.

Suddenly realised this morning how depressed I am at this moment. Got his deep down feelings of can not shake it off from yesterday.

Not here to draw attention and seek fame and glory. Not self centred not like that at all.

Every Birthday been a difficult day due to past and most importantly my relationship with my Mother.

The one and always causing me so much grief.  The nasty side of the relationship especially Birthdays to her. Constant reminders of hurting her son. 

In so many ways and still it is shocking. Cannot describe the amount of crass, silly idiotic things she did to me on my Birthday. Some of it no one should be doing to their son.

This does help talking about it. Yet I can and do wonder where has all the friends I had and the times we shared.

The girlfriends and partners have gone . Memories are hazy but how did that happen?

All I ever had were relationships and so called friends who seem to want what they want from me not be a equal .

As I sit here now thinking why and how does time goes so quickly.  Maybe should have grasped the opportunities that came my way.

Addiction and my mental health I know get in the way. Am and knew lost relationships due to addiction. Lost a lot of girlfriends and had to make vital decisions in one. Even walking away.  From one because she was continuing the destruction of our relationship.

I stopped and she did not. Yet never felt so much relief and now wishing what if?  Always having recently what if?

That is another aspects of ageing you going through more emotion and reaching out to people in your mind. Not realising they have hurt you in the past.  Some have died due to addiction. Usually found out by some one . Also by the paper stopped looking at the paper well a long time.

Am now 54 and well what can I do about it in my mental state.  Try and wish I could have changed so much.

One time wish if I could meet my self say about the missed opportunities and not go down the addiction route. The thing is we did not know then about alcohol or drugs. Thought this is never going to happen to me. The thing is it is done.

What do I do now? I come on here to help and advise every body. Send sunshine down the line.  Try to support every body who needs it. Gives me healing inside and most of importantly a sense of well being. Inside all anxious and nervous all the time. Have no desire to go out. Have to admit can not and have fears of meeting anybody new.

Friends, relationships because they continuing to cloud my better judgement and start to want from me again.

Understand if your in a relationship please do not make demands on your partner. Understand it is a contract and should be spread equally. Not hurting and harming your partner. Like my partners did to me.

End result you will end up being lonely like me. Trusting no one and feeling depressed .

Be on your own on days should be celebrated.

Thank you to those who are reading this. Know what I am saying.


Community Champion
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.


  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman
    You are one of the most amazing and genuine gentleman I have ever met! You are an absolute credit to the community! You are a good friend to me and I pray we stay friends for many many years! 
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,557 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman and thank you for sharing this with us all. I am sorry you are facing so many challenging emotions at the moment. I hope writing it all down helped to gain clarity and acted as an outlet. You are an extremely valuable member of the community and if there is anything that we can support you with then please do let me know :)

  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,106

    Scope community team

    Hi @thespiceman
    I can understand how hard this must have been for you to write. I can relate to a lot of what you say about drugs and alcohol and the destructive path that it can lead to. It may not mean much to you but I would like you to know that the things in your past have not defeated you. You are kind, empathetic, helpful and a friend to many here on the community. The drugs, alcohol and fair weather friends can't take that from you because that's your essence, it's who you are. I for one am glad we have you here. Stay strong.
    Specialist Information Officer and Cerebral Palsy Programme Lead

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  • atlas46
    atlas46 Member Posts: 826 Pioneering
    Hi @thespiceman

    Thank you for your post, which is a very profound and insightful look into your past.

    If I can please comment on your past addictions, you have a remarkable story to tell, how you managed to get through that phase of your life.

    I know from my professional background, that life as an addict, is almost sub human and almost always ends in early death or long term imprisonment.

    You are a true legend of this community and I for, consider you a warm friend.

    Thank for being our"thespiceman".
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello every body who has commented about my post. Thank you for your kind words every body.

    Much appreciated . This is not about me though and did not ever to be about me. It is about the side of life we have to all of us go through. Being old and facing the epidemic of loneliness.

    How and why are we as a community shun those who are not inclusive to the ideals of society.

    I had a story to share but it could be any body in the community who have and has experienced loneliness and feeling the effects of isolation.

    I recall my friends who I had met through various endeavours and adventures. Always thinking and still do how and why did we as a friends drift apart lose contact.

    In the old days we as community were responsible for the safe and well being of our elders.  In the generation of my parents this was the norm. Getting old you went to stay with your loved ones and the whole community . Rallied around and became supportive.

    How and why did that happen more people now live away from families and loved ones. More families are broken and where is the community now.

    I am an example of that my Mother demonic grasp and grip to control and demean. Had to leave and move away.

    Add to that my above mentioned health issues.  I do and still do realise that life and things have moved on.

    We live in the century of modern technology.  Social media is helpful and useful yet it is not addressing the real issues.

    Thank you 

    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @atlas46 Thank you for kind words and appreciate the support.

    Understand all about what are saying regarding addiction.

    If that makes sense.  Basically my addiction is just like every body else's.

    We us gents, men think we do not have issues or health ones.  Showing to some one that you have emotions, feelings and can not drink or take it. Why just take it . The constant barrage and hassle of people who should have known better.

    Remember from a time. Used to go to a Doctors in a small village where he smoked. Had a pipe he did. That was then and of cause no one discussed drink and alcoholism.

    Parents had drinks before a meal. Where you dressed for dinner. This was the middle classes of sixties, seventies Britain in the small green and pleasant land.

    Behind the net curtains, unbelievable horrors were going on. All quaint and lovely outside. Inside bullying, violence, intimidation, threats, sexual misbehaviour, child abuse.

    All in my village and at home. Never admit you do not want a drink it was the norm.

    Come the big house parties in the villages . Constant outpouring of hospitality.  

    By early twenties having serious alcoholism and I knew it. Had alcoholic amnesia from drinking. Anyway both my parents never discussed any of this.  To them and though if I did would be put away.  In a secure unit or hospital. Had admitted to me my Mother she would do that.

    Had some one in the village going through mental health and trauma, through alcoholism.

     Still doing drinking but knowing now doing it in secret. Hiding it.  To the outside world never touch a drop me. In private and secret. drank to oblivion.

    Often having a schedule around my drinking and being careful.  Having things I had to deal with.  Work, driving, relationships and friends.

    Only once or twice let my self slip. Deny everything you do.  Won't happen again my fault. 

    This is the life despite the loneliness continued. Then one day  a certain community I had moved into found out.

    Ostracised and isolated by those I regarded as support. Worse was they were alcoholics themselves. Understand now that they wanted to control me and use me for there own self gratification.

    Always remember jealousy, domineering, bullying alcoholics are worse than ever. Especially if they steal from you. Ruin relationships, cast self doubts in your mind. Use and abuse you.

    So here am I in a lonely bungalow they have found out hurt me and harmed me.  I suddenly fell over hit my head on the coffee table.

    Bleeding and felt this sudden warmth and over powering urge to stay there. Curled up and feel this sense of well being the sudden effect of well I am going to stop this.

    Some one something told me. Was this my God moment. Being this sense of something had to change. Went to hospital much arguing and getting seen to.

    Found myself thinking need to change. I had to. So then my thoughts had to change, Went to rehab and started the treatment.

    What upset me was the ones who ostracised me made me feel worse one of the community members partners denied this. Yet she was in my bungalow every morning stoned out of her head.  Drunk and I am going through Rehab. 

    Even told her to do what I am doing.  Sense of sadness there because who and why they continued and are probably deceased the body can not take that heavy hitting all the time. I know I have been there.

    Found my voice and my words of wisdom. Found my true vocational . Had the Bible in my hand and it became my salvation.

    Moved away again live where I am now. Took me eighteen months to two years to come off. Have lost a lot. Yet now done the right thing talking about it.

    Body I have is physically damaged and scarred.

    Just recently last year my mental health charity had an addiction specialist come in. All the lads in the group walked out. I stayed .  Know two lads in the group did have concern and care for.  Have addiction histories both of them. but do know now . There will be a time like myself. Just waiting.

    All I know feel the need to educate. Like you have said many are dead or maimed or in prison. I know this and do know many times lost so many to all of that.

    All I can add is it is a disease and needs to be treated as such.

    I wanted to share this not only to you but others as well.

    Going down this road of recovery. Yes I am absent from alcohol but at what cost. Every day have the itch and urge to do this.

     I do not and habits die hard. Have thoughts and feelings all the time. Said this before no matter how far you down the road it is staying off the hardest.

    Understand have met people who are further down the recovery process. One works with alcoholics asked him about the itch and urge.

    I get it all the time he says.

    Thank you for reading this. I am glad to be your friend anytime.

    Always in prayers and thoughts.

    Take care


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • susan48
    susan48 Member Posts: 2,222 Disability Gamechanger
    Happy belated birthday @thespiceman
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @susan48 How are you?   Hope your feeling OK  . Had to write about all of this.

    Did not want to sound depressed all about this . Yet it is one of the things about life we never really talk about.

    I do not think I am alone.

    All I know you ladies never age at all.  lol.

    Always stay the same.

    Take care


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
    Everyday is a birthday with @thespiceman in your life. X


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