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connoro007
Member Posts: 24 Courageous
My name is Connor. I’m a 23 year old male. I have recently found out that I have ADHD. I also have a history of deliberate self harm and suicide attempts. I also have GAD. There is also a big possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum. I’ve been on psychiatric wards due to suicide attempts. Socially I have always struggled. Looking back on my life it’s become so obvious that I was different. Since I was a small child I have rocked my head. I was bullied relentlessly because of it. I was taken off my mother and rehomed with my grandparents due to her drug habits. Lots of other things have happened in my life. I’ve lost friends to suicide, battled drug addiction. I’ve lost jobs through silly mistakes. I used to hate the way I looked. I love to research things. I figured out how to get my body into good shape and alter my appearance to compensate for what I always thought was a ‘flawed personality’. This worked for a while. I’ve onlt ever had one relationship. I still think about her from time to time and how things may have been different had I known my ailments sooner. I work and support people with autism and challenging behaviour. I care so much about the people I work with, and have always considered myself an advocate for them. I get along better with the people I support than ‘neurotypicals’ and it’s starting to become apparent as to why this is the case. My grandparents fail to understand me and no matter how much I try to educate them it is to no prevail. I find myself reading forums like this daily but this is the first time reaching out. I think about suicide a lot of the time. I’ve tried to further my education by going to college. I had to have a learning coach and had to see the college counsellor on a regular basis. I attempted my a levels twice and an access to biological science course 4 times. The pressure of trying to fit in, mask my social anxiety and keep up with the work load whilst working full time and using drugs such as [removed by moderator]. It all makes sense now as to why I could not do it. I sensed that I had ADHD and I knew full well that I had anxiety issues when it came to socialising. I tried to get a diagnosis through the nhs but it was taking forever. Last October I tried to take my own life. I took a load of aspirin, drank two bottles of wine and had a bath and cut into the arteries on my right arm. The bath filled with blood and I was saved by my grandfather. Fast forward to the present and I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (privately) and GAD and have been told that I display major traits of autistic spectrum disorder. I’m currently off the drugs (however I do use Xanax to curb suicidal thoughts). I am prescribed Concerta at 54mg a day along with fast release in the evening, 600mg of lyrica, propranolol as and when needed and 45mg of mirtazipine. I’m truly struggling. I know how hard it is for the autistic community as I work in the sector. My emotions are just so intense. I feel so lonely when I’m not at work. I’m reaching out to the crisis team and doing all I can to try to help myself. The feelings of failure, the constant ‘what ifs’, and dealing with finally being diagnosed and opening my eyes as to who I am and why I have acted the way I have throughout my life hurts so much. I still have a glimmer of hope to go university. Seeing the lack of compassion people have for other people in this world is my main driving force. Reflecting on supporting people with more pronounced autism has opened my eyes as to how little people actually care. I’ve always had a strong interest in neurology, anatomy and how the body works. Not being able to pursue higher education is hurting me badly. I feel like my voice isn’t being heard. A lot of the time I spend alone in my bedroom watching things I enjoy or reading about things. I long for companionship, someone who truly gets me. Someone to truly care about me and love me, flaws and all. I’ve had so many dates and stuff enter my life only to leave without explanation. I started to develop feelings for a girl I work with - however I confided in a close female colleague about this. I was told that she “could never be with someone who has what I got”. This truly hurts. I’m in so much pain. I have a faint idea of how life turns out for people on the supposed “high end” of the spectrum - totalled with adhd, an addictive personality and chronic feelings of loneliness (not to mention being terrible with money management, leading me to be in a lot of debt) and a history of self harm/suicide attempts, each day gets harder to endure. I’m constantly looking for a way to fix things or a way out. Looking at statistics, being alone and having a lack of positive human interaction, there’s a great likelihood of me returning to drug addiction. A life doing drugs in a bedroom on your own, knowing how flawed you are is a life I cannot and will not live. I feel myself slowing slipping into a depression, my healthy eating habits are starting to diminish. I’m more isolated than I have ever been before. I don’t know what to do and I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to the questions. Life truly is difficult at this point in time and it’s never been easy.
Replies
We have some discussions you may want to join autism and aspergers discussions and mental health discussions.
Please remember that as a member of our community, you are important to us and you might find MIND's information about distracting yourself from the urge to self-harm useful. It's also important that you discuss any thoughts of self-harm with someone who is qualified to help, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]
If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.
If you have any questions, please let us know.
Kind regards,
Antonia
Firstly, if you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email [email protected]
If you feel that you are at risk, please ring 999 or go to your nearest hospital or A&E
After reading your post, your qualities shine through. You are a determined and honest young man. You will achieve your dreams. One step at a time.
I am truly sorry for all that you have been through and honestly your post moved me to tears. I can feel your passion to change in your writing and I know you can do this.
We can help you, support you, be a friend, it's important to break things down and work at one thing at a time. You will get through this. You're strong!
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
How are you doing today? Are you still studying at college?
Scope
If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
I'm not too bad thanks, trying to enjoy the slightly warmer weather!
Have you considered distance learning for University? That way you could tie it in with working and go at your own time and pace.
Scope
If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Do you mind which country will be your "title" from? In theory, you can start with something either more or less related and then you can exchange, finish your studies with an MSc in the preferred field (also in the UK). Usually, the admission requirements for MSc aren't really very strict and even, it's not narrowed only for medics, biologists, etc... For science, I've seen universities that require a science field (anyone) but it doesn't always must be just a continuous study of neurology/biology.
Someone has already mentioned Open University, etc... One could seem to think that as an externist, with any form of distance learning, you'll avoid a great part of in-person social interaction (you avoid classmates, public speeches, etc). You'll still need to make exams under supervising of authorities and far more, but either way, it mitigates 95% of potentially negative experiences associated with social anxiety.
Your earned academic credits (minimally for general education modules if no other module matches) can be transferred to another institution. Can it match? Well, even in unrelated computer science, I could take biology as electives. The transfer isn't really a challenge rather than it'd be a quickly sorted formality.
[links removed by moderator]
Btw I live in the welsh valleys so opportunity is scare
The things that get in the way for me are:
- worrying that my bamp and man will leave me.
-5000 of debt from credit cards etc from when I was young and naive
- bills I need to pay.
- failing again.
- feeling like I don’t fit it.
- becoming an addict due to social anxiety/wanting stimulation.
I just try to do to much at once and it burns me out. I’m getting better with money management though.
But like a lot of people I know I won’t be truly happy until I’m pursuing my dream. I’ve looked into OU and I don’t think I could get finance for the courses and stuff. And I find it hard to motivate myself outside of a classroom as it’s a different structure or I spend too long procrastinating.
Thank you for your help guys I’m taking it all onboard and staying strong. You’re good people and this input is helping me a lot. I hope you all have a great weekend.
I find keeping myself busy and sleeping with a pet helps tremendously. What sort of techniques help you when you are low?
That’s all you have to do isn’t it just keep hanging in there, every day above ground is truly a blessing; even if our thoughts sometimes say otherwise.
Has anyone else also had cognitive behaviour therapy?
Hello @connoro007 Pleased to meet you.
Thank first of all for sharing your post. I do understand what you have been through as do lot of our community.
Coming from an addiction background myself it is difficult day to day how you go through coping.
I think what is important first of all is finding what you want. Consider this I know myself. Having mental health issues do know it is how you need to find the right support. The right guidance and advice to continue to maintain your mental health and to cope with your addiction.
The hard part is being able to come off I know this myself. Those cravings, emotions.
It is good to hear you are in contact with your Mental health crisis team . Also your Doctor.
I do understand the need to talk to them to discuss how you are feeling, emotional and day by day week. I do also know being a man is it not easy to discuss this.
I have been there so many times. Especially addiction situation.
Know there are helplines and support groups you can call.
Talk to Frank is a good support network to contact.
https://www.talktofrank.com.
Call Helpline 0300 123 6600.
I am an alcoholic been one for thirty years now clean for twelve. Had drug problems as well.
Contacted Talk to Frank one night had those feeling and cravings.
Got a call back talking to me.
Trained counsellor.
Thought just mentioned this to give some reassurance.
I do know it helped. Informative website.
So I hope I can guide, advise you . One suggestion I know you have a crisis team. I have used them before myself.
I hope there are helping you.
One thing I used is mental health charities. Some thing else to look at.
Used this one last time.
https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.
Get floating support out reach worker. Help with anything additional. Do help clientele with other issues. Wellbeing and benefits.
You have made one important step being in touch with our community. We are here to be supportive.
Pleasure to meet you.
Anything I can do please ask.
Wish you well. Keep in touch.
Take care.
@thespiceman
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
I spent all of the last 2 years smoking cannabis alone in my bedroom desperately wanting a girlfriend then I realised focusing on myself and leading the life I want to live would be so much more rewarding than having someone else be the source of happiness or having to use drugs. Thanks for your post man!
So much admiration for people like you who change their life around then help others facing similar situations.
Thank you for the links will definitely look into it.
Joining this has realised how many selfless people there are around doing their best to make a difference to this ****** world!
Look after yourself man!
That's why I wrote the links (removed by a moderator, again and again without a real reason...). The links consisted of two lists with a lot of free distance learning Bachelors and Masters degree programs in neurology, medicine, etc (the vast majority of EU countries provide free higher education financed from taxes and on many universities, you can study in Eglish like on some of Scandinavian, German, French... universities so before the Brexit, before the UK leaves the EU, you are yet eligible). You could do it from Wells (there are already hundreds of universities those allow you to do exams online with the condition that you install a software that gives your examiner/professor a remote control over your Pc so they see what happens on your screen/monitor in exactly the same way as you see your screen and you provide a camera with a microphone so your examiner can hear and watch at you in your room, they can see and hear what you do in the physical space during the whole exam period. Thus they find out if their student cheats).
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Hello @connoro007 Thank you for kind words. Good morning.
How are you today?
I wanted to add . As a gentleman middle fifties ongoing. I do struggle and strive as every one does who has addiction problems.
We in the addiction community those who are clean or those have issues and struggling are always following some one.
Following some one who has either beaten the disease or continuing. You must remember this.
Addiction whether alcoholism or drug addiction or any addiction is a disease. Disease of the mind and body. People experience many varying symptoms. As probably you know.
First time I was aware addiction was a disease. Was my own research into why I kept on being an alcoholic. WHO website. World Health Organisation website and further research means that you can not do this alone.
Reason early years kept relapsing and the also the association with keep on drinking. In those days we were men did not have drink problems. You did not admit it. As with any alcoholism comes the connection with drugs.
I took certain drugs as every one did then the ones available in the night club scene. Of the early eighties.
The all nighters to keep awake.
I wanted to mention this because you story is so familiar to me. Having met many young gents having issues and problems.
I can only advise and offer my guidance. Plus any friendship. Happy to be anytime a friend.
This is often a problem with addiction of any type especially drugs or alcoholism. As you added walked away from friends taking drugs.
This happened to me several times including many friends lost a lot but also had to say the hard honest truth to many then had to walk away.
Also the other way as well had friends telling me including ladies in relationships. I wish I could turn back the clock. Another one we all have in common. The hurt and harm we do to others and others do to us. We do not ever understand why. Yet is it because the toxins in our minds.
I know your a smart intelligent gent and have met so many like you in our community. The addiction community and will continue to support as a do every day.
One final point is that never tell an addict to stop. They need professional help and guidance.
Besides if you tell any one who has long term addiction to stop can be more harm than good. Trust me been there. Thought I could stop on my own with out professional help. Did so and end up I am afraid in hospital.
Massive chest pains and other associated problems. This due to the body reaction to not having the drug or alcohol.
Got told that by Doctors and also then rehab clinic.
This being the biggest fear of any addiction either relapse or go in to shock after withdrawing. One reason why so long an alcoholic.
Need to withdraw slowly.
Because addiction is like a stone in a pool you throw it in and the ripples are far and wide.
Effecting family, friends and much more.
All I can say I am here to give any support you need please ask me.
I hope you do consider the links. That I have given to you. The mental health charity do have signposting to specialist professional help regarding addiction.
I know this because when I joined they asked about me. Do I need. Any additional support.
Please can I add not a Doctor or a professional. Just a gent done a lot of research, information and used my knowledge.
Plus my experience ongoing. I am appreciated this morning for your words means a lot.
To educate my self including getting nutritional qualifications in the process.
This does help to understand my self more. Diet, and associated effected the wellbeing. Physical as well so important.
I have mutual respect for all my friends in the addiction community.
Please keep in touch.
Take care.
@thespiceman
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
Im going to start embracing my differences no matter how hard it is!
Im not one to be soppy but that was so generous and heartwarming for you to say. I’ve realised most of the people I considered friends were just associates that I’d do drugs and stuff with. With the amount of chaos going on in the UK and places like the Middle East it shows the worst of human nature. But some of the things you guys have said has truly shown me how compassionate people really can be. I have goosebumps and tears in my eyes but I feel happy right as of this moment. Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had similar situations happen to you. I’m currently looking for a good support group but it’s hard as I have to work but I’m going to make it a priority. We all have our differences, but it’s nice to achknowledge how helpful strangers can be. It’s so kind, just taking time out of your day to reach out ❤️ Thank you to everyone. I hope each and everyone of us lives the life we desire and the life we deserve. If everyone thought this way the world would be a different place! Little by little we can all make a difference in a small way but it can have a huge impact. Hope all of you have an amazing weekend 😊
Only 12% of the UK population is foreign-born (and many of them are able to write very well, you don't recognize because of their written English), meantime, more than 1/2 of all new posts (usually, a mix of complaints about behavior and something related to learning difficulties) to ASD share linguistic syntax that is used merely by 2-12% of the population.
As @Antonia_Scope has advised:
If you are having thoughts of self harm or suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at j[email protected]
We have advice on practical and emotional support for when you are in debt
Not having enough money to pay important bills like rent, council tax, gas and electricity can be stressful. Your health can also suffer if you’re not eating properly or keeping warm. While it’s easy to get into debt, it’s more difficult to get out.
The most important thing is to talk about your situation with someone you trust. This could be a family member, friend or someone at work. They could help you contact your local authority, landlord or creditors. You should also speak to a debt advisor. You might not think so, but talking about your debt can help.
Disability Gamechanger - 2019
Hello @connoro007 Sorry to hear that you have been struggling.
You have been in my thoughts and wondering how you are?
Please can I ask have you contacted any of the links I provided for you. In one of my posts.
You mentioned services will not help.
I apologise if that is not happening. My concern is with the addiction history you have that you need to address this.
I agree the problems of debt are upsetting, emotional and can be difficult to deal with.
I lost everything through addiction including business and much more. Had massive debts but learnt one vital thing.
Try to find the necessary steps to cope with anything.
I am here for reassurance, to give some confidence some self esteem.
We need to address the important issues which are your mental health. Which is ties with anxiety which ties with addiction.
Fears of relapses.
I do understand have much time for you as any one who has and been through all of this.
I do understand have the patience and tolerance for you..
Did add this one https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.
I agree there will be problems maybe a waiting list or an assessment of your needs.
This is happening every where.
Please can I advise as a someone who has been through this. Speak to your Doctor. The Doctor is not only there to heal but to help and aid additional signposting.
Speak to him about referring you. To any one who can help and offer guidance.
One off the problems with addiction and any problems need to be very open and honest. Have to admit this is not easy to do but you need to say to the Doctor what is happening.
The other one is to look on line be calm. Have a pen and paper . Look at your area for support and guidance with your debt.
Have some one with you any additional support if you have it. To go through anything.
Make a list of the debts what you have to pay out. Be honest and open with everything.
Fears and insecurities are the main problem I know. I had this and had to admit everything.
Did not wish to but had to .
There are debt agencies, charities on line local ones to you that will help. Look at libraries or speak to CAB.
This is the hardest part admitting you have problems need to share talk to some one.
I am here as is the community. Please can I ask one other thing your a proud man and it is important to discuss these issues.
You could arrange a meeting with your boss. Explain everything. Many companies want to help and advise give guidance to their employees.
You might be surprised even help and have anything to offer.
Please if you think you going to be self harming. Contact the hospital.
One of our team has advised you to think about that.
Please if I can advise be supportive a friend to listen to. Please get in touch.
You will get through this. It will be hard and be painful but you will succeed.
Please take care. Your a member of our community now.
@thespiceman
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
Also, if you're self-harming, or having thoughts of self-harm, it's really important (as Ami said) to speak to someone who is qualified and able to help you. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]
Please also give MIND's information about distracting yourself from self-harm a read as their tips may help you. However, as always, if you feel like you might be a danger to yourself, give 999 a call or go to your local hospital.
Scope
If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
If any of you need any support or someone to talk to or just offload please don’t hesitate as I’d love to give something back. Also if it’s of interest to any of you I’m incredibly knowledgeable about food, nutrition, multivitamins, weight training etc. A healthy body leads to a health mind is what they say.
Thanks guys and have a good weekend, bless you all 🙏