Hello

My name is Connor. I’m a 23 year old male. I have recently found out that I have ADHD. I also have a history of deliberate self harm and suicide attempts. I also have GAD. There is also a big possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum. I’ve been on psychiatric wards due to suicide attempts. Socially I have always struggled. Looking back on my life it’s become so obvious that I was different. Since I was a small child I have rocked my head. I was bullied relentlessly because of it. I was taken off my mother and rehomed with my grandparents due to her drug habits. Lots of other things have happened in my life. I’ve lost friends to suicide, battled drug addiction. I’ve lost jobs through silly mistakes. I used to hate the way I looked. I love to research things. I figured out how to get my body into good shape and alter my appearance to compensate for what I always thought was a ‘flawed personality’. This worked for a while. I’ve onlt ever had one relationship. I still think about her from time to time and how things may have been different had I known my ailments sooner. I work and support people with autism and challenging behaviour. I care so much about the people I work with, and have always considered myself an advocate for them. I get along better with the people I support than ‘neurotypicals’ and it’s starting to become apparent as to why this is the case. My grandparents fail to understand me and no matter how much I try to educate them it is to no prevail. I find myself reading forums like this daily but this is the first time reaching out. I think about suicide a lot of the time. I’ve tried to further my education by going to college. I had to have a learning coach and had to see the college counsellor on a regular basis. I attempted my a levels twice and an access to biological science course 4 times. The pressure of trying to fit in, mask my social anxiety and keep up with the work load whilst working full time and using drugs such as [removed by moderator]. It all makes sense now as to why I could not do it. I sensed that I had ADHD and I knew full well that I had anxiety issues when it came to socialising. I tried to get a diagnosis through the nhs but it was taking forever. Last October I tried to take my own life. I took a load of aspirin, drank two bottles of wine and had a bath and cut into the arteries on my right arm. The bath filled with blood and I was saved by my grandfather. Fast forward to the present and I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (privately) and GAD and have been told that I display major traits of autistic spectrum disorder. I’m currently off the drugs (however I do use Xanax to curb suicidal thoughts). I am prescribed Concerta at 54mg a day along with fast release in the evening, 600mg of lyrica, propranolol as and when needed and 45mg of mirtazipine. I’m truly struggling. I know how hard it is for the autistic community as I work in the sector. My emotions are just so intense. I feel so lonely when I’m not at work. I’m reaching out to the crisis team and doing all I can to try to help myself. The feelings of failure, the constant ‘what ifs’, and dealing with finally being diagnosed and opening my eyes as to who I am and why I have acted the way I have throughout my life hurts so much. I still have a glimmer of hope to go university. Seeing the lack of compassion people have for other people in this world is my main driving force. Reflecting on supporting people with more pronounced autism has opened my eyes as to how little people actually care. I’ve always had a strong interest in neurology, anatomy and how the body works. Not being able to pursue higher education is hurting me badly. I feel like my voice isn’t being heard. A lot of the time I spend alone in my bedroom watching things I enjoy or reading about things. I long for companionship, someone who truly gets me. Someone to truly care about me and love me, flaws and all. I’ve had so many dates and stuff enter my life only to leave without explanation. I started to develop feelings for a girl I work with - however I confided in a close female colleague about this. I was told that she “could never be with someone who has what I got”. This truly hurts. I’m in so much pain. I have a faint idea of how life turns out for people on the supposed “high end” of the spectrum - totalled with adhd, an addictive personality and chronic feelings of loneliness (not to mention being terrible with money management, leading me to be in a lot of debt) and a history of self harm/suicide attempts, each day gets harder to endure. I’m constantly looking for a way to fix things or a way out. Looking at statistics, being alone and having a lack of positive human interaction, there’s a great likelihood of me returning to drug addiction. A life doing drugs in a bedroom on your own, knowing how flawed you are is a life I cannot and will not live. I feel myself slowing slipping into a depression, my healthy eating habits are starting to diminish. I’m more isolated than I have ever been before. I don’t know what to do and I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to the questions. Life truly is difficult at this point in time and it’s never been easy.