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Disabled father with autistic son fleeing from abuser needs advice

BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
Last Friday my 14 year old son and I went to the council and reported ourselves as homeless due to my partner of 4 years abuse becoming far to much to be made to go through any longer. The council has very kindly placed us in emergency accommodation and help with claiming benefits has been given to us by citizens advice. Within the next week we’re going to be moving from the supported furnished shared facility accommodation and into a unfinished flat that is still going to be classed as temporary accommodation and will not be on any tenancy we can stay long term for. I am being told that we’re not going to be given much time between being given the key and leave this place (same day) is what we have been told. But I am panicking about it as not only do we have not a stick of furniture for the place. We have no funds as abuser was financially controlling me, physically and emotional abuse along with neglect. I have not had any time to deal with the fact I am away from the abuse emotionally as I have been so busy with departments from all agencies needing me to do so much for the claims for benefits and housing plus my son is at school that I am just so all over the place I feel like I am a failure for myself but more important than me I have failed my son. He’s autistic and he needs to know what to expect from one day to the next and I can’t help him. I don’t know what is going to happen and I can’t tell him so he is suffering with me being unable to stop it. I can’t say how I can get us furniture for the next place. I can’t say that we’re going to be okay by his birthday in December or if we will have a Christmas. To me priority the things that I have been sorting but an autistic child is not able to understand it. Maybe we should have just stayed where we were 

Replies

  • hannahbella29hannahbella29 Member Posts: 6 Listener
    Have you looked on local free sites like gum tree for furniture? I know these are worrying times but the most important thing your son needs is you ? Have you thought about having a carers assessment they can help with pointing you in the direction of certain things like a carers Grant I'm not too sure on the rules I think it's like £350 and I'm also not sure what they allow it to be spent on but may be furniture? Sorry if I haven't been very helpful it's my first time on here but like you I have an autistic son and know their every need comes first so can understand where your coming from I hope someone else comes along soon and is more helpful in directing you ,good luck to you and your son and don't forget to take care of yourself too by the sounds of it you've been through a lot mate
  • April2018momApril2018mom Member - under moderation Posts: 2,882 Member - under moderation
    Hello @Blakespops

    Have you contacted Shelter or not? They can help you with your housing crisis. Are you seeing a therapist? Regarding furniture, I found this service helpful in the past https://furnituredonationnetwork.org/.
    Or call Salvation Army. Are you a member of a local church? Often you can ask them for help and support too. You are in my prayers tonight! I pray you will be able to access useful support and information. Try asking the National Autism Society for help. 
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    hi hannahbella29 free sites would be a great idea if they were able to deliver. I can’t drive and couldn’t begin to look until after we’re in the unfinished place as this place is unable to store anything big being a hostel.

    for me personally I put up with the abuser but as she was starting on my son and she was becoming worse I had to get him out of there.

    the system for homeless people is great and we’re grateful for the help that we have been given. The same thing with the job centre and CAB advisor who has been helping us with the benefits claim but as for help with the other things that living with and leaving the abuser cause seems to be no help with at all. Emotionally dealing with the abuse towards me was easier to deal with given that I am disabled and as such I am more of a burden than being a help to her. But I couldn’t see her treatment of my son who says that he feels like he is a girl inside be so inferior to the treatment of her own children. She knows that some texture of food my son could not eat and she would deliberately serve him plates of it and make him eat every fork full even if he was sick. If I said anything about it I would be attacked or something would be thrown at me. I am on fentanyl and morphine for the pain I am in and she will withhold my medication and “forget” to order my repeat prescription every month. I would be given £50 a week to pay for my sons food and clothing including his school uniform for a week and she was keeping all the other benefits etc to spend on her own family. She also said that the money she has been giving me was enough to get him his birthday and Christmas gifts (birthday is 18th December) she had total control and even the car I had with motability was only used for us if she had no choice. I had a scan and she called the hospital and told them to change the appointment as it clashes with her yoga. Thankful that the hospital refused and she took me but I had to take her verbal abuse as it was my fault she missed her yoga and it was my selfishness that I would not go on the three busses each way to my appointment. I always found life insurance advertisement leaflet or funeral plans leaflets out of her magazine left on my pillow with her sharpie message of “do the right thing for us all” written on them.

     I understood that having spinal issues and I had had falls that broke my hip make me such a burden rather then a partner or father but I have no control over the medical issues and she was right to say that my son deserves better. That’s why I feel like I have failed him. First of all by letting him be treated as he was and secondly by leaving without a plan of what to do. I have been cooking for him all this past week and we have had some fun times in between the many phone calls and appointments. I am just sorry that I can’t answer his questions about our life or his school given that the abuser has a son the same age as him and at the same school. He won’t be safe there and he likes the teachers. So much turmoil on his shoulders and it’s my fault 
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 2019
    Hello @Blakespops   Pleased to meet you welcome.

    Sorry to hear what you are going through.

    I am one of the team of community champions. We guide, advise and help members of the community.

    Please may I suggest the following for your son.

    The National Autistic Society.

    Helpline 020 7833 2299

    The following organisations may be of use to you for welfare and anything advice on aspects of assistance or help with those issues such as furniture.

    May help with anything else as well.

    https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk.

    020 7367 4500

    https://www.redcross.org.uk.

    https://www.bhf.org.uk.

    The last one is British Heart Foundation. They have stores all areas.  Selling second hand furniture.

    Also please ask the council for any advice some might offer furniture on a loan basis.

    Please can I add also have my own housing association. 

    https://www.homegroup.org.uk.

    They do help with a lot of loaned out furniture. Might even give you a support worker for you son and help you to deal with what your right now going through.

    Also have SHELTER.

    https://www.shelter.org.uk.

    Helpline 0808 800 4444

    Any other information have ones for finances, money and debt. These will I hope be useful. Something to use

    Money Advice Service.

    https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk.

    Step change

    https://www.stepchange.org.

    Food banks if you need to know your nearest one.

    The Trussell Trust 

    https://www.trusselltrust.org.

    I also added the following helpline and association to do with abuse and violence towards men.

    Helpline 0808 2000 47.

    Men's Advice Line

    Helpline 0808 801 0327

    I hope that helps you.

    Please if I can help with anything further please ask. Your not alone.

    Please take care your important member of our community.

    @thespiceman






    Community Champion
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  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Unfortunately the majority of the friends were more her friends than mine. I have blocked her and all her friends from my Facebook and phone to stop the abusive messages. As for the other places that we could go for help I will reach out to them after the weekend because I will do anything for my son and personal pride means nothing and if I had to I would crawl on my belly to get him the peace he deserves. I do and always will put him first second and third before myself or my needs just as any loving parent would. 
  • FranstrahanFranstrahan Member Posts: 898 Pioneering
    Blakespops:
    Do please try a church for help and support, especially over the weekend -today in particular, as there will be more people around. I've found them a valuable source of support in the past, the clergy and congregation themselves, and a great source of knowledge and information.
    Tell them your needs - I dont know, I'm guessing here for you, but anything from counselling to transporting stuff - they'll either do it or know someone or an organization that will help.
    The C of E is very out there in the community, so please, tell them your story. They'll support you and your son. 
    All Best Wishes to you both.
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    Dear @Blakespops - I am so very saddened to read about what you & your son have been through, but pleased you have reached out to us all here, thank you. I hope the resources others have mentioned may help you.
    Undoubtedly the short time ahead may be difficult for you both, but one word you've said resonates with me, 'peace.' You both need this. I can't begin to understand how you've managed, but thank goodness you have; you must be reeling from all you've had to do, & no time to look after yourself.
    I do have a little understanding. The abuser makes you feel guilty, as my son found out for me. Please know you have not ever failed your son; you are giving you both 'peace' in the not so distant future, & you're a wonderful Dad.
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing Team, Community Team Posts: 7,734 Scope community team
    Hi @Blakespops and thank you so much for joining us and reaching out. I can't begin to tell you how much reading about what you and your son have been through has affected me.
    None of this has been your fault and you have done an incredible job taking the step to break free of the abuse and to try and give your son (and hopefully yourself) a better and safer life.

    Would it be very naive of me to assume that you're now in touch with social services? And can I ask what benefits you're now claiming as this will help me work out if there's any support for you in terms of furnishing the flat?
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Hi thanks again for your answers and best wishes.

    the school my son goes to did a report to social services although we have had no contact with them yet. I have managed to claim housing benefits with severe disability premium and I have a claim for ESA in that I have been told I will get an answer within the next 3 weeks. I have also sent a form for family allowance and I already have pip at the highest level for both care and mobility. 

    We have found the council do not exactly tell us what is happening or what help is available. The one person that we’re dealing with at the housing department is rather cold and just giving the impression that he just wants to do the paperwork and nothing else. I have asked what we’re supposed to do to get help with the emotional issues and I was told to google it. 

    As grateful as we are for being placed in temporary accommodation that is safe. I would have thought that we would have been given advice on what other help was available locally rather than just having to google it. 

    My mind has been all over the place throughout this past week and it’s not as if it’s a normal situation to be in that we would know what we have to do. 

  • CressidaCressida Member Posts: 564 Pioneering
    @Blakespops you sound like an amazing dad. It must have been so hard to remove yourself from that abusive relationship but you did it!. You will find a lot of good advice on here and some great posters to listen if you need to offload. I wish you all the very best for the future. 
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    @Blakespops - Please know you have done so much in such a short time, & thank you for getting back in touch. Must admit I would have thought there might have been more information available where you are temporarily housed.
    It certainly isn't a normal situation in which to know what you need to do for you both, & I'm sorry that the council person is just dealing with one side of the problems you're facing.
    Please look at the last 2 phone numbers that @thespiceman gave....they deal specifically with men who have suffered abuse. Perhaps these may be a starting point for you. The Salvation Army too; they help so many people in difficult situations irrespective of any faith, or not, a person may have.
    If these don't for any reason help, please let us know. You will get through this, & will have the continuing support of this community along the way. People here will do their utmost to advise & support. They also care.
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    @Blakespops - How are you and your son doing?
    Please consider looking at the following websites to hopefully help: https://www.mankind.org.uk/ Phone number 01823 334244
    And also: http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/ also mentioned above: 0808 801 0327 which is free for landlines & most mobiles
    The Salvation Army: 020 7367 4500






  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing Team, Community Team Posts: 7,734 Scope community team
    Hi @Blakespops.
    I hope you and your son are well. 

    Have you also looked at Child Tax Credit? As you're receiving SDP you can still make a new claim for this. I don't know what your previous financial circumstances were but once your ESA is up and running it may be worth looking into a Budgeting Loan to help with those initial costs. 

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. 
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 2019
    Hi @Blakespops - Just to let you know that people here are thinking about you & hoping you & your son are doing OK. I hope you've had a little time to catch your breath, & have a look at some of the links, & Adrian's advice above. How is the housing situation going?
    If you have a chance, it would be great to hear from you, & see if there's anything else anyone here might help you with.
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,680 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Blakespops, how are things going?
    If there's anything else we can do to then please do let us know. :)
    Community Partner
    Scope

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  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 621 Pioneering
    Sounds as if you have been brilliant.  You got away.  What's more, even in the short term place you are managing to have fun with  your son.   You have even managed the full time job of form filling and getting the right help in quick time. Hats off, to anyone who can achieve that!

    The big question is about your boy's school.

     As you say, especially with autism,  staying there might seem best.    On the other hand, if you are both escaping  abuse, and have no particular  supportive friends and family  in the area, you might feel free and safer if you move somewhere  in a completely  different part of the country.   

    You can.  You are both free now.  Normally,  people  must be rehoused within the same council area. But people fleeing abuse are the exception.  You can go where old friends or family are, or go to a part of the country you really would like to live, or go where there are good facilities for autistic children, or for yourself.  Also,  looking ahead,  where will  he be best when he is a school leaver?  And, where will you prefer to be living when he is grown up and flown ?

    You have felt trapped with an exploitative bully for so long, it's easy to understand when you say you can't think straight.    More often, it's  women  escaping bullies. But they have a struggle to re-set their  attitudes and their habits of thought.   

    Someone  explained  about battery hens, when rescuers want to set them free in a garden.  They have  become  so used to being  trapped  in tiny cages, that they can't bring themselves to peep out of the rescue box, and it takes time before they figure how to scratch the ground or run about.   Newly escaped  abuse survivors  are often a little bit similar to those hens!

    You will put you son first. At 14, he  is old enough to involve him in making decisions.  What would he choose for himself :
    New adventure,  but with the drawback  of novelty, a problem for autistic people.? 
    Or familiar  teachers,  but with the drawback of  continuing close contact with the abuser's son?.
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Hi all. Sorry for not being able to update you sooner than I have but it’s just been crazy busy.

     I had claimed universal credit and was told that because I was in receipt of the severe disability premium I had to claim ESA and now they are saying that as my partner was claiming the ESA before I left and not me I would have to claim universal credit after all.  (If the people that work for DWP don’t know how are we supposed to know what to do lol)

    I am just waiting for the unfinished flat still although I have got the council to help with white goods and a local charity is going to help us with furniture when we get the place.

     I have had bills for overpaid benefits that I am being told that I will have to pay back even though my abuser had full control of my finances and she kept all the benefits to herself that I am now being billed for. I feel that it’s unfair that I am being punished by the system for the actions of my abuser.

    just days before I left PIP had sent me a letter to attend an assessment. But as she didn’t give me the letter I have been classed as failure to attend and the pip claim was suspended.

     I have been just going forward and getting hit after hit of things going wrong when I have no control. It’s made it harder for me to keep it together but whilst my son is in the same room as me I have to ignore my own feelings and stay strong for him.

     He had been going to school but he had to walk past her house between the bus stop and school and he was feeling anxiety about it and as the school was closed half of this week due to inset days he has stayed here and he wants to move school and start a fresh. I am fully understand how much it will effect him and I will not force him to go past her house and potentially get abuse as he does. 

    I have called adult social services for an assessment of my needs and to find out what they are able to help us with. They will be in contact within the next month or so. Apart from that I think I have updated everything for now.

     I am so grateful for all the words of support and advice from you all and would give you all a huge hug if my arms could reach you. Thanks again xx
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Blakespops - So pleased to hear from you, but wish it was better news on all fronts, apart from the housing, where it's good to read you've had some offers of help.
    I don't know if any of the Scope team can advise about you being billed for benefit money you didn't see. Was this not paid into a bank account in your name? Or perhaps you had a joint account? Might the local police help, as she has been controlling the finances? They are well aware of domestic abuse.
    As far as PIP goes have you managed to get in touch with the assessment centre, or failing that the DWP to explain?
    Sorry you have to wait so long for social services. Life will get better, I hope sooner than you think.
    Thank you for your kind words to us all. I believe we all have great feeling for this ordeal you're having, & just want to see you both come through. You are part of this 'family.'

  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Hi,

    all benefits apart from my pip was paid into her own account and I never received any paperwork from the benefits agency and what I did get regarding my pip she would open it and then give it to me. The only mail I ever got without her opening it first was the mobility magazine as it came in a clear bag and she knew it had nothing to do with money coming in. I even paid for the car we had from my pip.

    Before I left I recorded a conversation with her about the benefits and how I was being given £50 a week for each of me and my son and what I was expected to pay for with it. Including Everything my son needs from clothes and uniform to food, activities and gifts for Christmas and his birthday plus my own food and both our phones. She also said that she expected me to be able to buy her gifts and her son and “our” grandson who was her daughters son who we had a SGO over and he will be 2 years old next week and I miss him like crazy. So in total with the pip I had to do all that on 150 a week but it included the electrodes for my tens machine and the other disability expenses that I had.

     I recorded her saying that the rest of the money was for her and her children (2 didn’t even live at home) and as the 2 child rule meant that she didn’t get anything extra for my son he gets nothing as he is not her responsibility.

     I have played the conversation and shown the texts to the council and DWP and CAB and they all said that it was extreme financial abuse. She even admitted that she had taken the light bulbs out of my sons bedroom in August for him falling asleep once with the light on and he will never be allowed to have lights in his room because of it. She said that him being autistic is a crock and him saying that he feels like he is a girl inside a boys body is the funniest thing she’s ever heard about and her friends are still laughing about that one. She’s said on the recording that she has posted things on Facebook that she and her friends knew were digs at me but I was too trusting and gullible to notice. 

    I have proof for almost every form of abuse she could do to me and the people who have seen it have said that I could and should report it to the police but as I am still in the area and I have a restraining order against her dad for assault on me already I didn’t want to make things worse for me and my son. 

    We have said that we would love to live in Nottingham as I used to live there as a teenager and I support Nottingham Forest. However the council has not given us that as an option. We were told that we would be moved to a male refuse for men who have been abused and as they are not many of them and less that take men with kids we would have to go to Scotland or wherever was available with no choice but accept the first place they found or we stay here.

    2 years ago I had purchased a range cooker for the house as we were planning to do a swap with the dining room and kitchen as dining room was much bigger than the kitchen and as we never got around to doing it (due to family court action and fighting for the baby to stay in the family (babies daddy was the huge issue) and as we got him on a joint SGO priority was with him) so when I asked her to give me the car as I would have to return it to motability as I can’t drive she’s retuned it to this homeless hostel I am in with the range cooker in it so that I can not simply return it and I have no place to store the cooker and I don’t have anyone else who would drive it for me so I am stuck. Hopefully it will fit in the flat we’re going to get and then she will have done me a favour but it was simply a last way for her to do something to cause me problems.

    by the time that she returned it to me she was in possession of a letter from pip telling me that I had a assessment appointment to attend and she said nothing about it. Now pip has been stopped and I was reported as not showing up. Luckily they were able to see the dates that we left and the letter being sent would overlap and by the time their system updates my address I had missed the appointment so they agreed to send me back to assessment and reinstated the pip as if nothing had happened. But it’s all just ways she is doing her best to make my life hell.


  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 621 Pioneering
    Hang on, I think you are being  fobbed off with  incorrect  information.   You absolutely  must get more advice.  Before  everyone  shuts for Christmas 

    Here's  the thing, and you need to confirm it but I am fairly  confident. I am a cynic. I absolutely  don't  want to give the wrong advice. But you and your son deserve better.  You need independent  advice.

    It sounds as if it cannot be true for the council to tell you because you are a male, you must go to Scotland.  Women and men,  and boys, all need equal  rights to flee from domestic abuse.  The organisations  and the laws to help women must help you too.  At least, as far as your flat tenancy goes, they must.

    It is true that the first night or weeks, a women -only refuge would not accept  you. But now,  you have a temporary place  of short term sanctuary.   It's  the equivalent of  a women's  refuge.  You are fairly  safe there, but  with the abuser being so near, and her son being  in your boy's  classroom,  it is important you move to Nottingham if that gives you both peace and hope.

    Don't  accept housing in the existing  area,  if Shelter or domestic  abuse  specialists  confirm you  can insist on Nottingham , if you and your son will  be  safe and happy there.

    I believe you have a triple winning hand of cards.  My understanding is you are an abused vulnerable disabled,  single parent of  a vulnerable abused special needs child. Both of you are domestic abuse victims running away.   The offender continues  to scare both of you.  She is nearby.  She still acts maliciously  if there is opportunity.  You both wish to escape  the  neighbourhood

    Other people  on the housing list won't have your priority.  And they cannot choose to leave the area.  You can. You can go to Nottingham.  You don't need  to  go to Scotland.   But if you waste this chance, you  won't  be able to run away to Nottingham 

    As to the car, would someone  drive you to Nottingham? When you get there, would someone  drive you round?  If not, maybe having the money instead of the car would suit you better?  You could pay  for  cabs with it.  It probably isn't  worth  keeping  it  merely  as a place  to store the range.


    The range might not be needed. You won't ever be given a tenancy without a cooker.  It isn't  legal.   Or,  is the range particularly  suited to your needs?   Again,  maybe you could  turn it back into money,  if you sell it.   

    You are wasting your own  and other people's  efforts if you collect furniture for a flat you dont want to have as your home.   The  same efforts would be better spent on  getting to Nottingham  and a permanent home.

    Please  check with some  domestic  abuse  organizations  and with shelter.   

    But i believe domestic abuse victims can choose  where to go.  The chosen new district has no option.  It must give fleeing victims suitable  housing  even ahead of their existing local applicants.

    They won't  want to bother.  Nor will your existing  council.   If your current council  can take the easy way out, fob you off, tick the box and wash their hands of you, it will be easiest for them.  That is why they will push  you  or trick you to take whatever  flat  they happen to have at their own disposal.  As you say, they weren't  even offering  permanent  secure tenancy.   Disabled,  you need security.  Autistic,  your son needs stability. 

    They probably never even asked Nottingham,  and won't,  unless some specialist  experts  who know your rights get onto the case on your behalf. 

    Even so, you are right that they  may have to be carefully dealt with.  With expert advice, you can avoid any bear traps. You don't want to find they are rigging the system so they can say you were offered a perfectly good flat and refused unreasonably,  so they can tell you you are intentionally homeless.   You have good cards, but need to play them correctly. 
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Blakespops Please can I ask have you ever looked at any of the links that I had  given you a lot of advice, guidance and information in your current situation..
    When you first joined the community.
    Also my friends   @chiarieds and @newborn   have given you a lot of reassurance and some links to finding support.
    As a community champion I am happy to be supportive.
    Just some one who cares and had concern.
    I do understand what your experiencing .  Never easy a situation and a problem your in.
    I would like you if you can to take some time to look at the links in the post. I sent you. You might ended up with a lot of information, guidance, support.
    Supporting you, might have some assisting you.
    Please if you need these again pleas ask me happy to add again no problems.
    Please if you need to ask anything please do. I can hopefully answer or contact one of the team to ask them .Either SCOPE or one of the community champions one member have exceptional knowledge of benefits.
    Please can I stress you are not alone, what is important is finding the correct advice and guidance. I know a stressful, anxious times.
    If you are feeling anxiety or your son is I can give you a organisation to contact, offer a lot.
    Please take care.
    @thespiceman


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 621 Pioneering
    Isnt spiceman lovely?!
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @newborn you made a gentleman blush if your screen going red it is me the other side lol.
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous

    Yes thank you the links for Salvation Army was what got me to a local place that has lined up help for us when we get the flat they are going to be offering us.

     I have been in contact with shelter twice and they are getting some legal group to contact us with regards to the advice we have received although they have been two weeks almost with no response. I just don’t want to pester them and allow them the time to respond as they have said that they will.

     I have been focusing my efforts on the housing and benefits for now as they seem the most important things to do. The emotional issues I am going through can wait as helping my son is more important to me. I have been trying to get new activity groups and events for him as her son went to some of the ones that Blake was going to. I simply don’t want him to be isolated from people his own age. This week he’s managed to complete the young leader training for the scouts and he now has his leader neckerchief.

    via one of the other links and comments I contacted adult social services care team and I am going to have them assess my needs and then see what they can do to help. 

    I am so grateful for all the help and support you have been giving us each and every person that has replied. The advice of us playing our cards right and moving to Nottingham is something that I will most definitely be checking out on Monday. 
    I have a note book that I am using to note my todos and keeping records of what I have done because some days something happens and that makes me think of her or somehow it effects me so that I am unable to focus on anything and I get fearful of shadows or something equally silly. I loved the analogy that I was a battery chicken freed as it made me laugh yet was so true. Being just me and Blake I am not wanting to do anything but be strong and there for hit yet I miss having people that I can actually sit and chat with over a coffee about it. I know that this situation is not but a little tiny second that will soon be over and we will have a new chapter of life that we have control over and she’s got no more hold in our lives but this dot of time is one that took my friends too as we had joint friends I would never try to talk about it to them as they would be being given a choice to be on the side of one or the other and they deserve far more than being dragged into it by me or anyone.

     I will try and see if any coffee mornings or other activities are available for meeting new people/friends locally on Monday too.

    again I can’t say thank you for the help support and encouragement you have all shown us xxx

  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 621 Pioneering
    Us hens must learn good clucking!
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Blakespops   Thank you for sharing, please if I can help with anything.
    Please get in touch.
    Happy to be supportive pleased for you and just let you know you have friends here.
    I was just concerned have a lot of time and do care for those going this situation your re in.  
    Having had a history myself so I can and do identify  every thing your saying.
    No one from our community wishes to hear your struggling, emotionally.
    If you ever did please let me know. Contact one of the SCOPE team who be able to help you.
    Part of my role I do as a community champion is to ask SCOPE team can you contact this member see how we can help them, do this a lot.
    Just to reassurance you that is something we do as community champions and the SCOPE team.
    Please take care.
    Wish your son the best hope you and him are coping OK.
    In prayers and thoughts.
    @thespiceman
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Blakespops   How have you been, I have been thinking about your situation.
    There is a charity called Richmond Fellowship that deals with mental health issues. Your son could qualify as he is autistic know would help.
    I have no ever asked you do you have any mental health issues or anxiety or depression, I say this.
    I know do have a lot to offer including the following.
    Mental health support workers, welfare assistance and form filling in, plus attendance at any meetings. Do also have their own housing advisors and lots of aspects of wellbeing.
    Worth a look.
    https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.
    Might not be in all areas double check.
    If not use this other one.
    https://www.mind.org.uk.
    or https://www.rethink.org.
    There a charity deals with advocates interventions of health issues relating to mental health, medical professionals not helping you.
    Speak on your behalf.
    Please if that helps please use them, often a excellent source of signposting and relevant organisations, information.
    Please take care.
    @thespiceman

    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Blakespops - I'm just wondering how you both are doing. I hope Blake enjoyed his recent birthday!
    Were Scope able to help you in any way? I do hope so.
    Just to let you know you are still in my thoughts, & it would be lovely to hear from you if you can manage.


     
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Hi all, Blake’s had a good birthday. 

    We are still not sorted out yet for benefits. Both ESA and UC are messing us around to the point that CAB is going to be putting in an official complaint and possibly take legal action. I am in receipt of the severe disability premium on my housing benefits claim and I therefore should be able to get ESA but ESA says that I have to claim UC. At the same time UC say that I can’t claim it as I am getting the severe disability premium. Claimed 8th November and I am still running around sorting it out.
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Blakespops - Great to hear that Blake enjoyed his birthday, & thank you for replying. How is your housing situation going?
    I'll ask another member here who has a great understanding of benefits to see if she can help you. @poppy123456, I would be grateful if you could help here. Blake's dad has been in a dreadful situation fleeing physical abuse with his son, & so much more. Please may you advise.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello  @Blakespops    pleased to meet you again, sorry to hear you have problems with the benefit situation.

    Please can I ask did you look at anytime the links I provided for you.

    All have benefit advisors.

    This one is another organisation you can use.

    https://www.turn2us.org.uk.

    Helps with any thing benefits.

    Please I hope my friend can help you deserve all the support and advice we can give, please one other point your not alone.

    We as a community are here.  To  support you.   Please if you have any questions.

    Please ask.

    Please take care.

    @thespiceman





    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Neil at citizens advice is dealing with it as per his email above. He is livid with the DWP. 

    We’re now in interim accommodation and it’s a great place that we would love to be permanent if we were not just about a mile away from my abusing ex partner. 

    I have been in contact with some of the people in the list and I have also been involved with the police over things to do with ex’s family making threatening comments that I have managed to get on camera where I was told that I would be in hospital or the ground soon. 

    I have been reclusive since I bumped into him in the town centre. 
  • poppy123456poppy123456 Community champion Posts: 22,214 Disability Gamechanger
    HI,

    I'm one of the community champions here at scope.

    Thanks for the tag @chiarieds

    I'm sorry to hear everything you're going through and happy to hear your son had a lovely birthday.

    As you are having help from your local CAB and they are in contact with DWP and your local JCP then there's really nothing i can advise you with. There should be no reason why you're being refused legacy ESA because you have the SDP added to your housing benefit.

    All i can say really is that i hope your local CAB can sort this issue out for you very soon. Sometimes DWP are their own worst enemy.

    Do let us know the outcome and i wish you and your son best wishes for the future and a peaceful Christmas and New year.
    Community champion and proud winner of the 2019 empowering others award. This award was given for supporting disabled people and their families for the benefit advice i have given to members here on the community.
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Hi, thanks for your confirmation that we should be able to get the legacy ESA. 7 weeks of them being a tennis team and I am just the ball is getting to be a pain. As if we haven’t already got enough to deal with without them messing around with us.

     I will have an update after I have been to see them at 11 am tomorrow 
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Hi all,

    been to the job centre and I was told that esa is refusing to do anything because I am not getting SDP with housing benefits so I called housing benefits whilst sat there and had them confirmed that I was getting it and the dates for that. I was then told to phone UC SDP special number for confirmation of what I should be claiming to be told to call esa and tell them to take my claim and when I did they have said that I have to stay with UC. And so another day wasted being messed about.
  • chiariedschiarieds Community champion Posts: 6,312 Disability Gamechanger
    So sorry to read that this debacle continues; it must be driving you nuts!
    Would just like to add my best wishes that you & Blake enjoy your Christmas, & have a much happier New Year. Things have got to get better!
  • BlakespopsBlakespops Member Posts: 13 Courageous
    Maybe I should wait until next year and then they will have 2020 vision to see what [email protected]@holes they are being lol
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