What traditions would you ditch?
Mishal
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Mother-of-two Mishal found that letting go of her the picture-perfect Christmas meant it could be one that her whole family could enjoy.
“‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Every creature was stirring,
Yes even the mouse!”
I saw this adaptation of the famous “A visit from St Nicolas” poem a few years back and it’s stuck with me since.
Both of my children (Beth, 15 and Nathan, 7) are autistic which means our nights are never restful and Christmas certainly isn’t any different. In fact, Christmas, with its different lights, sounds, smells and routine can bring about a whole host of other stresses that lead to a less than Silent Night.
Despite its stresses, I love Christmas and look forward to it every year. My kids don’t feel quite the same way. My daughter is 15 now and as soon as the first Christmas adverts find their way to our screen, Beth’s whole demeanour changes and the atmosphere in our house follows. When I told her I’d been asked to write this blog post, we got into a conversation about all the things she doesn’t like about Christmas and here are two of the main things she mentioned:
“There’s too many rules. I don’t understand presents,” and “It looks different and everything is different.”
They really struck a chord with me and I wonder how many of us can relate? Who hasn’t felt the pressure of the unwritten rules around gift-giving and present etiquette? And how would you feel if you walked into your living room and someone had redecorated, changed all the lights and furnishings and filled it with things that smell different? But for someone with autism, these things are more than just an annoyance.
When Beth was little, before her diagnosis and before I’d realised she was ‘different’, Christmas was a nightmare. It was as if the decorations went up and she’d start acting out and refuse to engage. In turn, I’d try and make Christmas more special and more magical. I’d throw up more lights and bring home more decorations and it became a constant battle. I’d been inundated with visions of how Christmas is supposed to be and grow frustrated that mine wasn’t. Children were supposed to love Christmas and we were supposed to develop traditions and make memories, but it never seemed to work out.
When she was old enough to ask for what she wanted, the problems got worse. Even if she would have loved it, if it wasn’t on her list, she’d have a meltdown. Relatives thought she was rude and ungrateful, but she genuinely couldn’t understand why someone would buy something she hadn’t requested and it would send her anxiety into overdrive.
Over the years we adapted and I let go of the Christmas I’d pictured, and it was the best thing I could have done. We found a new way to celebrate and found some things that helped us along the way.
Keep a Christmas-free zone
For us this is our kids’ bedrooms, but anywhere can work equally well. We found it important to give them a space that was ‘normal’ that they could retire to when things get too much and they need a break from the sensory overload that is Christmas!
Plan, plan, plan!
My children like schedules and to know what’s happening and what to expect. With planning I can pre-warn them of upcoming changes and make the transition easier.
Try and see it from their point of view
The change from the humdrum of regular life may be a welcome break for most of us, but to my children (and many children with autism) the change of routine is a huge problem. Nathan is really struggling at the moment as lessons with maths (his favourite) have been replaced with card-making. Then there’s Christmas Jumper days, Christmas parties and practising for the class assembly. Christmas doesn’t just affect our routine at home but infiltrates every aspect of his life and the usual rules and schedules he normally relies upon are suddenly buried under a mountain of tinsel.
Ignore the criticism!
This was a big one for us. Over the years we’ve had well-meaning family and friends point out that we shouldn’t ‘pander’ (and they were the kinder comments!) The best thing we ever did was learn to let it wash over us and stay focused on our children’s wellbeing.
Let go of your picture of an ‘ideal’ Christmas
Traditions are great but make them reflect your family and their interests. It doesn’t matter if that’s beans on toast instead of a turkey roast. What’s most important is that you’re happy as a family, otherwise what’s the point?
Now, we limit family visits to just one day and don’t run over our agreed time limit. We decorate gradually and with the kids involved and don’t do it overnight as a surprise, or go overboard and our Christmas elf remains firmly on the shelf.
Our Christmases are never going to be ‘typical’, but by making a few small tweaks, they’ve become events that my children don’t have to endure, but can enjoy.
What have you done to make Christmas more inclusive for your autistic child? What traditions do you have? And what traditions would you ditch if you could!?
Replies
I always hang stockings up on the first day of December. I have decided to make a fruitcake and mince pies as well as a turkey. One more Christmas tradition I started last year is to read a story from a Bible specifically for children. Before Christmas we will have a quiz night at home.
Another beloved longstanding family Christmas tradition involves me singing to my children. On Christmas Eve morning, we open a few of the presents then take a walk for fresh air in a local park and then have a simple lunch at home. After a quick nap we open more gifts.
Then we head to church at some point in the afternoon or evening. To promote the festive spirit at night, we start off telling Christmas stories then play a card game as a family. This year we will also celebrate with a suitable Christmas movie.
On Christmas Day, we have turkey in the morning. By lunch time we usually will have had slices of cake and sipped some mulled wine. Before tea time we pose for a bunch of family photos and then during tea time we make small talk. Afterwards, we dance to music. As the sky turns dark, we sing carols and perform a short Christmas play.
What are your Christmas traditions? Which ones particularly mean the most to you? Which ones are less than appealing? I’m curious. The key is simplicity for my family as much as possible. Rather than a full Christmas lunch, we serve turkey sandwiches and fruitcake. Any leftovers are for my cat. I usually invite a couple of friends over too.
It is all about the memories. With that in mind, we go easy on the food to reduce waste. I keep wine and other alcoholic drinks in the kitchen on purpose. Christmas is not all about drinking.
Matt himself is autistic and has grown up with Christmas but added bits himself to cope. So when we did our first Christmas we had negotiations.
The tree
We have no room for a big tree. So we brought a four foot one and it sits on the cat scratch post. Too many lights especially the really colourful ones hurt Matts eyes. So we have plain white one that stay on and don't put them on any other settings. Now the tree has no tinsel on mainly due to cats. However it's called the random tree as I doubt there is another one like it. We decorated it our way, so odd baubles, toys and a fredo frog with a Christmas hat sits on top of it.
We have a few garlands and other bits that Matt and me have decided on together.
Music / films
No christmas music is allowed we both have enough of that at our jobs. Though we do have a CD of our favourite songs that may get played quietly. If I want to watch a Christmas movie I do so upstairs unless Matt wants company. Surprisingly I put this rule in as Matt should have a zone where he can chill without being forced to endure more Holiday sprite.
The day
Now Christmas day it self we sleep in. Maybe at 9 or 10 we will get up. Why force ourselves up as it's just us. Bacon rolls starts the day then we unwrapped presents. Now dinner is not turkey as Matt hates it, but instead it's chicken, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, pigs in blanket, stuffing, gravy and veg for me. Again Matt is hypo sensitive to taste so no veggy for him. The cats get their treat wet food, and the reptiles and amphibians get a treat food as well.
Then Matt potters again finding space for his new things while I chill. He refused help as states I cooked so he will sort.
Family
We don't see family on Christmas. We planned with them when to visit. My mum is easier as she is normally off for Christmas but Matts parents are hard with his mum working as a nurse it has to fit in.
Before January the decks all come down as Christmas is on forever and a bit of normality is greatly appreciated.
Haters
People hate my tree, think I should force up more decorations and dinner but I am truly happy with my odd Christmas time as its perfect for both of us.
bonfire night and ALL fireworks...ever!
With her birthday on Christmas Eve we got used to the idea that wrapping was what she considered her main presents. The last one being unwrapped mid January and her discovering lots of new things around February were hers. We have always included her in the decorations and especially what went on top of the tree, including pink power ranger, dinosaurs and a telly tubby one year. This year we have a two foot rainbow tree.
As she got older rather than concentrating presents on two days a year we would buy her things she wanted as we went along with a few cheap presents for her birthday and Christmas.
We take our cues from her as to what she wants to happen for Christmas and she loves it. There are things she wants us to do together on the day, and she knows that she can go to the sanctuary of her room whenever she needs to.
I loved the comments about 'pandering' and 'spoiling' her as a child. We have stress free birthdays and Christmas and enjoy them as a family.
As an individual I stood alone.
As a member of a group I did things.
As part of a community I helped to create change!
Fireworks? Why? Turkey? Why? Tree indoors? Why? Eating extra sugar, drinking extra alcohol? Why? Buying extra food?Why?
Shutting the country down in many respects, from early December to early January? Why?
The planet can't take pointless consumerism, so the sooner the better for everyone to ask "Gifts? Why?"
Too much commercialism too much point scoring those who insist they having a wonderful time.
In reality using Christmas and the holiday to get ahead, impress those who have in their eyes need to score points .
Point scoring never a good idea. Why exaggerate the truth the ideal Christmas in reality a lot lonely people who feel the need to make friends and the sudden need or urge to tell every one as they do.
All about in vivid detail.
Had this former friend who used a Christmas to spend his time inviting those he had met in friendship to his home.
I had met him and several of us had been listening to his life story and all his experiences nearly every time. I used to start to think is this for real and could not understand why he kept telling these stories.
Unfortunately as I found out mentioned everything he was doing, all the wonderful impressionable and exciting things he was promising,
I had to get there by lunch time enticing.
When I got there, he was in bed and I expected a Christmas lunch he was telling every one cooking.
Two ladies appeared next thing we all queuing outside to get in he still in night attire .
Are you ill, or you sick no I forgot you were coming he uttered.
Need I say more. A ruined Christmas . Back home and having something to eat, took me hours to get there.
Still a memory I recall and think if he is definitely not going to heaven. Sorry to tell that, deception and misinterpret the truth.
Simply not good to do is it not.
Why say all that what is it exactly doing for him.
I am as added have a faith why mislead people who are friends and work colleagues.
Mystery.
Lesson there .
All I know the song by Bobby Vee always springs to mind.
Nights has a Thousand Eyes.
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I hope you all have a nice Christmas....and maybe think about cutting down next year and sending the rest to the homeless or foodbanks ect. ......my usual Christmas is " Bah ...Humbug " 🙄😮🙂