Today I wanted to die. — Scope | Disability forum
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Today I wanted to die.

I am a 57 yr old mother/grandmother. I am very afraid, and feel very much alone. I am sitting alone and writing this, my family are busy and think nothing is wrong. They have been through a lot lately. 

I am crying whilst writing this, because i am afraid. 

I always thought of myself as strong, loving, caring and hard-working.
I'll start from beginning. APRIL 2019, I felt myself slowing down, knew I was tired but just brushed it off. On the 12th April 19, I was in the park close to my home, with my 2yr old grandson. Suddenly I had a sharp pain in my chest, I fell to my knees, was gasping for air, sweating and shaking. I looked at my grandson, looked around the park no one in sight, and to let you understand this park was always busy  dog walkers etc. I got to my feet, took my grandsons hand and was taking him home. Kicking and screaming as he'd just got there. All i could think was, what would happen to him, a 2yr old if i died there, I had to get to at least the outskirt of park and hopefully meet someone who knew me.  Noone, had to pass a couple of houses to get home, no one in or about. Luck my son had just arrived home opened door, blurted instructions , get 300 mg aspirin out of medicine box, call ambulance.
Woke up on operating table, thought I was in morgue, it was that cold. All of sudden heard voice saying keep still Lynn, then i must have passed out again, probably drug induced. When I came round was on a drip and wired up to machines. I'd had a grown up heart attack they said, had 4 stents put in. I was in hospital for about a week, was ready to be discharged. Explained I have medicine to take for a year. I went to get out of bed but collapsed in pain. The panick button was hit and doctors rushed in , apparently i'd ruptured in groin area where they had entered to operate. Was rushed for repair.  I felt scared then but thought come on i'm lucky to be alive. 
As the weeks went by I thought, I would or should be improving much better. 
After 6 weeks, I was getting frustrated, asked what can i do to improve. (Being a smoker, i gave it up instantly) Explained to my Doctor (GP), I am exhausted, breathless, anxious and all round very ill. They took blood tests and told me that time is a healer.
Late July, I got a call from my GP,  to ask if anyone had contacted me, I said no. He asked me to call up and see him later in the day. He informed me that my thyroid had stopped working, this was determined by the blood tests in May. Instructed me to start taking Levo thyroxine 25 micrograms, increase after 2 wks to 50 then 75. Come back and take more blood tests in 3 months.
2 weeks later, I landed back in hospital, pains in chest, still feeling poorly. They arranged to send me home with a follow up of an angioplasma. I went in  November for this procedure, the cardiologist, decided to change the medication, then follow up with another angioplasma in Dec, with the instructions of putting in another 2 stents.  However a week later, I landed back in hospital and had 2 stents put in.
This is now 17th Jan 2020, I am feeling very poorly. I still have breathing problems, I don't sleep well, am depressed, anxious and frustrated. One of the Doctors asked me what I want them to do for me. Not much, I just want my life back. I watch my children's face's, when they look at me and see the shadow of myself. I have put on a great deal of weight  even though i eat really healthy, this is causing me great frustration. 
My major frustration is the waiting for appointments, getting answers, in order to understand why I feel suicidal. I am tired exhausted, overweight, not any better. Am getting very annoyed and dont want to be here. 
The tin lid, word October called to register for PIP claim, as I can't work, haven't worked since APRIL.. Sent forms back to them 11th November 19, had a face to face on 15th January 2020, was told they would make a decision in the next 8 weeks. They literally made me feel like scrounge, faker and looser. I have a few choices of jobs if i want them, would love to take anyone of them, but am so sick.




  • hdeakin
    hdeakin Member Posts: 126 Pioneering
    I am so sorry to hear about what you have been though. It sounds very stressful and life changing for you. 
    Have you spoken with the British heart foundation? I wonder if they have any support groups? My Mum has hyperthyroidism although she went hypo sometimes. It can be difficult to control but if the gp can't manage it you could get referred to a consultant specialist. My Mum had radioactive treatment to 'kill' her thyroid and now takes levothyroxine as a replacement and it is much more stable.
    I know it is easier said than done but try not to be too disheartened with PIP I know quite a few people that have felt similar to you. We would not claim it if we didn't need too! It is just not nice when they make you feel like that. Try and stay strong, I hope others on here maybe about to help more, sending a virtual hug x
  • quinnlynn
    quinnlynn Member Posts: 9 Listener
    THANKYOU, I just feel lost in the lack of answer or resolutions that would enable me to deal with these health issues. But thankyou , is there any advice your mum could give me on the thyroid issue. What were her symptoms and remedies.
  • Firefly123
    Firefly123 Member Posts: 525 Pioneering
    Hi I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through a lot lately. The British heart foundation does have supoort groups which might be able to help. I also have heart problems but mostly due to all my other health problems it does get us down but if your feeling so bad should see your doctor  x
  • quinnlynn
    quinnlynn Member Posts: 9 Listener
    I have spoke to my gp again last week. Anti depressents  prescribed. As you know they are wary with heart medication.  Its just frustrating appointments. Lack of answers.
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community Co-Production Group Posts: 12,270 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @quinnlynn - You have been through such a lot recently, but you are no longer alone, rather a valued member of this community. Here we help & support each other & share resources.
    Just to let you know I have hypothroidism & have taken levothyroxine for many years. Just remember to take this 30 mins before eating breakfast, drinks containing caffeine, or any other tablets.
    As far as your PIP assessment goes, you can ask for a copy of the assessor's report in a week's time. Let us know about it, as there are people here that can advise you; so try not to worry about that.
    You have a healthy diet, which is great; perhaps try to be kind & patient with yourself as you're doing the right thing, it just may take a little longer than you'd hoped to getting back to being you......but you will; you're a Mum & Grandma & your family needs you just as much as they ever did.

  • Firefly123
    Firefly123 Member Posts: 525 Pioneering
    Yes I totally understand that the waiting and worrying helps nothing at all but I'm the same like to know what I'm dealing with. As for pip it's all about fitting the discriotors that matters regardless of illnesses. You have a month to request a MR if you disagree with the decision I would get some help if you can from citizen advice or a similar charity 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    edited January 2020
    Hello @quinnlynn    Pleased to meet you.

    Sorry to hear what have been through.  We as a community are here to help, advise need a friend anything you need to know.

    I am one of the Community Champions on the forum, I as part of my role.. Support give members a lot of information, lots of compassion, empathy and sensitivity.

    I have a lot of knowledge, experience and education on lots of issues especially right now with your illness and mental health.

    I have myself mental health anxiety and depression. Please if I can ask you to read the following.

    This may be a lot of information, take your time either ask some one to down load this or write it part of it and come back again.

    I want to add I am going to give a lot of links charities that offer a range of services.

    The first three are mental health ones. These charities deal with your mental health right now but also do look at aspects of your health conditions.

    Offer floating support, welfare and much more.  Including benefits assessments attending, form filling in.

    Many of the staff are trained have knowledge and experience please do not be scared they are very good.

    I have an addiction history plus disability did a lot for me, reason I advise most members of the community on those issues.

    Had mine a long time use the knowledge education to help others.


    You can self refer or apply through your GP.

    Might not be in all areas.


    British Heart Foundation

    Helpline 0300 330 3311


    UK Support group. for your condition.

    Also mentioned diet I have qualifications in Nutrition.  I would seek this websites advice, also speak to your Community Health Unit wellbeing service.

    I am sure be helping you with this. 

    As diet is important these people help you more .

    Benefit advice contact the mental health charities be supportive.

    I know your frightened scared . Please remember if you feeling suicidal then you need to talk to some one.

    116123  Calls are Free.  The Samaritans they are professional people and listen to you.

    If you feel unsafe or feel going to cause harm to yourself please call 999.

    You are a valued member of our community. I am here to advise be a friend am here anytime.

    To listen, please contact me anytime.

    Your not alone.

    Please take of your self your important.

    Always in thoughts and prayers.


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • Cressida
    Cressida Member Posts: 976 Connected
    @quinnlynn do any of your family members attend your appointments with you? It is often helpful to have another person there to ask questions. They are probably really worried about you and I expect they would like to support you. Take a notepad with you to appointments with any questions and write down the replies. Unfortunately the doctors won't have all the answers until they can see how you are progressing. There are lots of heart related charities out there. Ask for information during appointments, they should have booklets. The BHF are a great start. They have local patient support groups which you might find helpful.
  • dee4848
    dee4848 Member Posts: 218 Pioneering
    @quinnlynn ynn .Hi my mum lost her Son my brother to suicide when he was 20 , she is 50 now. Although he left us because his heart was broken , he left breaking especially my mums heart ,he crushed it to pieces, to the point where she tried to do it herself, leaving herself with horrendous mental health problems.Reading your post you have gone through alot , but what a brave woman you are to put your pain aside and get safety for your grandchild.  Please think about how many hearts will be broken ,you would be missed enormously.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 
  • quinnlynn
    quinnlynn Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Dee4848 thankyou.
    I was at a really low yesterday, am sorry about the post, I have left my friends and family out of how I was feeling, I think because they had seen enough of my illness or so I was feeling. People's lives even your kids have their own dramas , I'm not one for creating more. I am glad in a way about the post, in that it gave me an avenue to get help and join a group that can help. THANKYOU.
  • dee4848
    dee4848 Member Posts: 218 Pioneering
    Glad to hear strong lady x
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community Co-Production Group Posts: 12,270 Disability Gamechanger
    edited January 2020
    Hi @quiilynn - There is never any need to apologize for anything you say here as you're amongst friends. Talk here any time, we're all here to support you. That's what this great community is about; people here really do care as you've perhaps seen. Please do try & look at the links my friend thespiceman gave as they will be helpful too.
    P.S. The link for Thyroid UK is
  • quinnlynn
    quinnlynn Member Posts: 9 Listener
    THANKYOU. I'm very pleased at the information and help. Am really glad I logged on. 
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    Welcome to the community @quinnlynn I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. As other members have said, you're a valued member of our community. I just wanted to check in to see how you are feeling today :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • dee4848
    dee4848 Member Posts: 218 Pioneering
    Wish we knew eachother in person  could be helpful x
  • quinnlynn
    quinnlynn Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Good afternoon, feeling exhausted, tired. But, more positive, have been looking at some of the links, you have recommended. THANKYOU.
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,572

    Scope community team

    Hi @quinnlynn.

    Thank you for sharing all this with us. I'm glad you're feeling a bit more positive today. 

    I hope the information and links provided in this thread have been of some benefit to you. Obviously if you're feeling suicidal it's important to speak to someone qualified and able to help you. I can see calling Samaritans on 116 123 has been recommended here, but can I also suggest you give SANEline a call on 0300 304 7000? There's also The Silver Line (0800 4 70 80 90) who might be able to suggest some avenues of support.

    If it would help, we would also be willing to look for support more local to you. If you'd like to pursue this, please email us at [email protected]

    Of course if you feel like you might ever be in danger, please call 999 or go to your local hospital.
    Community Manager

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  • pollyanna1052
    pollyanna1052 Member Posts: 2,032 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi Lynn, I`m so glad to see people`s comments have helped you.

    I was worried about you when I just read your post.

    I can identify with some of your feelings.

    I had to transfer from DLA to PIP and expected it to be easier than it was. I was a bag of nerves with it.

    I also had to deal with the council asking me to pay towards my care and a care plan re-assessment took a long time

    I said it would be better for all if I wasn't here. Times were very gloomy for me and my hubby.

    But we came through it and are doing better now, but have less money.

    I`m 67 and feel as if I`ve been dragged through life since I was 45......with so many investigations into my loss of mobility.

    I hope you are doing better now too....sometimes we wonder where to find the strength to go on, but somehow we do.

    Lots of love Pollyxxx
  • quinnlynn
    quinnlynn Member Posts: 9 Listener
    THANKYOU Polly,
    You sound a strong person. This pip is a joke. As if I'll health is not enough it's like a kick in the guts. I have lots of jobs I could take up offers to, I don't want to be this incapasitated, its not a choice. this government are a joke. But my energy needs to be focused on getting better now, and with all the links giving me more options, just small things like the thyroid tips on what foods are good and bad. 
    My darkest moment was the other day, I just felt overwhelmed . Frustration is such a barrier to over one. But one I'll have to do.  Boy do I understand suicide now, how close. 4 weeks for an appointment with my doctor. 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @quinnlynn   Please can I ask did you contact any of the mental health charities I suggested.

    Can help here offer a lot of support, advice and beneficial to your well being.

    Just a thought please if you do contact them. You will get help with problems look at other things.

    Work employment, wellbeing health coping methods strategies.

    Offer any thing else.

    Some thing to consider .

    Please if I can help further please ask.

    Please take care.


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.


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