Today I wanted to die.
I am a 57 yr old mother/grandmother. I am very afraid, and feel very much alone. I am sitting alone and writing this, my family are busy and think nothing is wrong. They have been through a lot lately.
I am crying whilst writing this, because i am afraid.
I always thought of myself as strong, loving, caring and hard-working.
I'll start from beginning. APRIL 2019, I felt myself slowing down, knew I was tired but just brushed it off. On the 12th April 19, I was in the park close to my home, with my 2yr old grandson. Suddenly I had a sharp pain in my chest, I fell to my knees, was gasping for air, sweating and shaking. I looked at my grandson, looked around the park no one in sight, and to let you understand this park was always busy dog walkers etc. I got to my feet, took my grandsons hand and was taking him home. Kicking and screaming as he'd just got there. All i could think was, what would happen to him, a 2yr old if i died there, I had to get to at least the outskirt of park and hopefully meet someone who knew me. Noone, had to pass a couple of houses to get home, no one in or about. Luck my son had just arrived home opened door, blurted instructions , get 300 mg aspirin out of medicine box, call ambulance.
Woke up on operating table, thought I was in morgue, it was that cold. All of sudden heard voice saying keep still Lynn, then i must have passed out again, probably drug induced. When I came round was on a drip and wired up to machines. I'd had a grown up heart attack they said, had 4 stents put in. I was in hospital for about a week, was ready to be discharged. Explained I have medicine to take for a year. I went to get out of bed but collapsed in pain. The panick button was hit and doctors rushed in , apparently i'd ruptured in groin area where they had entered to operate. Was rushed for repair. I felt scared then but thought come on i'm lucky to be alive.
As the weeks went by I thought, I would or should be improving much better.
After 6 weeks, I was getting frustrated, asked what can i do to improve. (Being a smoker, i gave it up instantly) Explained to my Doctor (GP), I am exhausted, breathless, anxious and all round very ill. They took blood tests and told me that time is a healer.
Late July, I got a call from my GP, to ask if anyone had contacted me, I said no. He asked me to call up and see him later in the day. He informed me that my thyroid had stopped working, this was determined by the blood tests in May. Instructed me to start taking Levo thyroxine 25 micrograms, increase after 2 wks to 50 then 75. Come back and take more blood tests in 3 months.
2 weeks later, I landed back in hospital, pains in chest, still feeling poorly. They arranged to send me home with a follow up of an angioplasma. I went in November for this procedure, the cardiologist, decided to change the medication, then follow up with another angioplasma in Dec, with the instructions of putting in another 2 stents. However a week later, I landed back in hospital and had 2 stents put in.
This is now 17th Jan 2020, I am feeling very poorly. I still have breathing problems, I don't sleep well, am depressed, anxious and frustrated. One of the Doctors asked me what I want them to do for me. Not much, I just want my life back. I watch my children's face's, when they look at me and see the shadow of myself. I have put on a great deal of weight even though i eat really healthy, this is causing me great frustration.
My major frustration is the waiting for appointments, getting answers, in order to understand why I feel suicidal. I am tired exhausted, overweight, not any better. Am getting very annoyed and dont want to be here.
The tin lid, word October called to register for PIP claim, as I can't work, haven't worked since APRIL.. Sent forms back to them 11th November 19, had a face to face on 15th January 2020, was told they would make a decision in the next 8 weeks. They literally made me feel like scrounge, faker and looser. I have a few choices of jobs if i want them, would love to take anyone of them, but am so sick.
HELP ME, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO..
HOW DO INDEAL WITH HEART CONDITION?
HOW TO I LIVE WITH HYPOTHYROIDISM?
AM I ENTITLED TO PIP?
ARE THERE ANY HELP GROUPS?
