Mental health issues
If this is your first visit, check out the community guide. You will have to Join us or Sign in before you can post.

Cursed Loneliness!

IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
edited March 2020 in Mental health issues
Yep...

Here I am, again, listening to deathly silence, living alone, no visitors, housebound (phobia) and it proves that life, for me, never changes.  I'm just...stunned, I guess, at how many times I say to people, "Whether I'm alive, unconscious, comatose or dead, if you need me, just pick up the phone and I'm there...I'm always there," those I know as acquaintances and call themselves "friends" have NO IDEA how to be friends, at all.  To tell them all to go to hell would be a little self-destructive...or, would it?  Now and then, I have a conversation on the phone with one of them - pretty much always when I phone them, of course - and, after a few minutes of their total failure to participate in the phone call, that reaching out is over, too, just like all the others.  I'm too good to these people.  I should withdraw my 24/7 offer and let them get the hell on with it all.  Trouble is, of course, they pick things up for me, from shops and I can't do without that. 

I wouldn't mind betting that, out there, in Britain, right now, there are around 1,000 people with whom I would get on incredibly well, even if the Net was our only medium of comms.  Truth is...where the hell are they?...how the Heck do I find them?

One relative I'm sometimes on the phone with...she keeps too much silence while I'm talking and, now and then, I say, "Hey...pretend this is a conversation and take part!".  The inevitable line, with others, too, is, "Well, what do you want me to say?"  What the hell kind of answer is that?  She knows my entire situation, loneliness, isolation, mental health troubles, no visitors, but she still doesn't take part in our phone calls unless I ask her how her dog is, or how my nephew is doing.  I just...can't understand these people.  With the same keenness as when I phone them, in desperation, why can't they pick up the damned phone and phone me, to even just see how I am.  This includes close-ish acquaintances and closer family (sister, etc.,) who don't even phone to see how I am, not even when they know I'm going through a breakdown, or when I have a physical ailment that has got me down.

Over around 50 years, people have simply forgotten how to be warm and compassionate with others and it's a tragedy that it has come down to this.  The only escape from my loneliness is when I go to sleep and the entire world can just sod off, but the only hitch...the only bad side of that...is that I have to wake up, again.  And, on waking, I know how the day will go, with the phone only being used if I phone somebody else on/with it.  To whom does a person like me turn, to remedy this apparently eternal problem?
Tagged:

Replies

  • woodbinewoodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 4,546 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello Ian, sorry you are feeling this way, but remember you will always find someone on here to "talk" to, that's one of the benefits of the internet, the downside being that we are more socially isolated than we were 40/50 years ago which is such a shame. I know that over the 20+ years I have been ill that I have lost many friends and have found it difficult to make new ones, but I have my OH and family, and I have made friends on the internet.
    "Putting a child into care, isn't caring for a child" (T.Rhattigan)
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    Hey Ian! How are you?
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    I'm cruising along, Laura, just as folk do, I suppose.  I'm disappointed in the world, I suppose.  There should be a new subject added to the curriculum of every school or local authority education policy:  "How To Be A Real Friend", and it should be compulsory.  I'll survive, I think.   :)
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    You will, I reckon. What've you been up to so far today? I've been thinking about how to make the tofu in my fridge last for a couple of meals - haha!
  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 713 Pioneering
    Hi Ian. Do you think maybe being alone has made you concentrate  on  yourself? If you had recorded all your calls, and played them back with a timer, how much of what you say would  be showing your interest and concern with the other person? How much of the time would be listening attentively to them?

    It wouldn't  be surprising  if  you  lost some of your social  skills, but perhaps  it's a bit like a language you might once have spoken,  but now you might need to concentrate and make a  big effort,  starting in short sessions of just a few minutes, till you get back in the hang of it.  You will know you are getting fluent when you can usually get people talking about themselves,  and hear them laugh. while they chat to you.  (And when you don't say much, but what you do say is something new or something  likely to be of particular interest to that person)

    It isn't  just you, everyone who  gets isolated is sure to get a bit rusty on the social side. 

  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    edited March 2020
    Hello @IanHaines   Sorry to hear that you struggling.

    Being lonely as I am most days do not speak to any one but have friends on here.

    We talk a lot. One of the best bits of advice I can give even though might be difficult is to find some help coping with your mental health.

    I do know by accessing support for your mental health brings with this sociability and activities .

    I use Mental Health Charities.

    These three 

    https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk

    https://www.mind.org.uk

    https://www.rethink.org

    All offer floating support and advice on mental health, benefits and guidance on anything else.

    This situation we are in I do know if there are accepting new clientele you could ask.

    Concerned and care about this situation your in with friends seems they are not considerate, wishing to be helpful.

    Often this happened to me, one friend been through addiction with hurts like hell but you will survive.

    Question you need to ask do you really need these fairweather friends, poachers hangers on, all sorts of words to describe them.

    Understand in my previous life as an alcoholic only became friends with me because they used abused me.

    Door mat once clean sorted gone, do I feel hurt of course.

    Some knew for a long time, including at school.

    This was the situation I can feel your pain and can identify every thing.

    If I can suggest the following.

    Are they friends to rely on of not find other avenues to help yourself.

    Shopping for one and anything household food and anything else.

    Use the following supermarkets delivery service, if not got those due to the Covid difficulties .

    Sign up to many as you can, I asked the a while ago all of them are trained dealing with our Community.

    Last TESCO driver actually added we are aware of our disabled customers any problems have and will contact any one.

    Contact you and make sure we can offer the best service.

    OCADO new one the same great to know.

    Use AMAZON they sell groceries have a pantry I use them myself.

    Offer a sub per month PRIME account.

    https://www.amazon.co.uk.

    Look at things you can do for yourself to improve self esteem.

    Look at volunteering much of it can be done at home, I volunteer here never go out.

    [email protected]

    Send an Email meet plenty of friends on here helps with self esteem confidence.

    I use this every day to offload .  Speak to SCOPE team.

    Do simple tasks jobs hobbies gardening herbs grow them or small plants inside.

    Make and do tasks house work other things put up beat music on, little exercise.

    Lifts you up, I do Tia Chi small slow movements.

    Make a list of goals and achievements you would like to do.

    No matter how big small .  Improvements social and mental well being help, I used to do a lot of courses on line . Your helping your mental wellbeing.

    Great to do something connected to your illness or conditions.

    I have a vast knowledge of mental health and diet, nutrition my own personal circumstances.

    https://www.futurelearn.com

    Is an on line company specialising in courses, education on line no need for going out.

    One other I know in my own circumstance not worth it the lost friends now.

    Saw one in my local village still in a rut still a pain and never moved on.

    Has a job and in the past relied on me the bank, the supermarket the taxi and when lost my car.

    Evaporated never contacted me again after I mentioned never going to get a car.

    Suggested if I needed some help to get about he would help. See his wide eyes and shocked stunned appearance it is not worth it.

    Made a decision come last year my mobile, phone book censored cut and blocked every one off.

    I had serious illness last year recovered now but asking for help from no one.  Coping on my own, if they can not be bothered to ring you or talk to you.

    Not friends leave them and find ways to cope.

    I used around so many services on line everything from eds deliverd to every day items.

    Plus do this have my bible . 

    That is another one look at diferent avenues of support.

    Salvation Army often has support groups.

    https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk.

    I do puzzles, word games have Classic FM.  On radio have music on every day have my Motown. Northern Soul.

    On right now yes am lonely but it how you deal with.

    One other food make it enjoyable cook if not be able to.

    Happy to advise and support.  Lots of my recipes on here.

    Do something different have a haircut or new clothes new approaches at thinking how to declutter.

    Look at what you can do. 

    I quote the following.

    If there is a stone in my path do I go around or go over or do I stand still.

    Success comes in cans not can nots.

    Or my favourite this apply to you.

    Be near radiators not drains.

    Who wants to be near a drain, horrible time for me to get rid of those.

    I hope that helps gives you reassurance.

    Please am here every day your not alone.

    @thespiceman






    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    The only subject in which I appear to excel, Newborn, is communication.  On the phone with people, whoever phones who else...the subject is me for around 10-20% of the time.  The rest of the time is either about them, or is me saying something and them leaving a silence where some words should be.  

    I agree that some folks probably pick up on the desperation/aloneness factors of my speech when talking with me on the phone.  Even with all that considered...my phone rarely rings and that, to me, is significant.  I also agree that people can sometimes get out of shape, in socialising terms. 

    A relative of mine had a cold during last week. During that week, I phoned her FOUR times, to see how she was doing.  I did that - NOT because of how lonely I was or how sick I am of my phone never ringing - but, because she lost her husband a year ago and I wanted to show my genuine concern for her welfare and state of mind.  I'm just tired of being the only person left in my social (joke) circle who does that for one/some of the others.   I started a breakdown around 4 weeks ago, or thereabouts.  Not even one of those people who knew - 9 of them - has even phoned to ask how I'm doing.  Caring (and contact based on that caring) should be multi-directional!
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    TheSpiceMan...

    Thanks for that...you're a tidal wave of resources and suggestions and it's always nice to read through them.  

    Radiators and drains...a picture well conveyed.

    Ian.
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    laura222 said:
    You will, I reckon. What've you been up to so far today? I've been thinking about how to make the tofu in my fridge last for a couple of meals - haha!
    Well, Laura...I'm gobbling chocolate, watching a comedy film and typing on my downstairs machine, all pretty much at the same time.  "Tofu"?...I don't think I've ever holidayed there - is it a good venue! :):):)
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    Ah, what a multi-tasker! ;) I'm gradually running out of comedy panel shows to watch (one of my usual escapes!) so will have to move on to comedy films. Any recommendations?
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    Recommendations?  "Warm Bodies", "The Duff", "Ghost Town", "Red 1", "Red 2", "Daddy's Home", "Vacation", etc..
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @laura222   Old ones for me still classics .

    Some Like It Hot

    Harvey

    Odd Couple 

    Anything by the Boulting Brothers.  Series of films with Peter Sellers and comedy legends a many.

    I am Alright Jack.

    Heavens Above.

    Two Way Stretch

    Sir Norman Wisdom Films a joy to watch did his own stunts.

    Trouble At Store

    Square Peg

    Bulldog Breed

    Many others.

    Carry on Films the Sixties ones hilarious .

    That should keep your amused.

    @thespiceman




    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @IanHaines   Did you look at the links I provided and think about any to the suggestions ideas.

    All of these helped and me maybe others as well.

    Always a good idea if there is a list make one.

    Three reasons why am I alone do these reasons hinder me.

    If the friends I have what is there purpose, do they care.

    I am there for them bit by bit every time. Do I need to be thinking the positive and can I benefit from the best friend I have.

    Which is me.

    Understand all of these questions need to ask.

    One other ask this of yourself.

    Some approaches you tells you the story you have told us the community.

    Please can I ask what would you be advising them.

    Only you can do this.

    I actually one time several moved away new life new beginnings need to.

    A desperate choice but did this.

    Why suffer so your in control time to maybe start to find your purpose in life.

    I just do not want to see any one like myself wasted I have thirty of my years.

    With those who used, abused. Made fun and gave me grief constantly.

    Alcoholism is a serious problems of course that never helped.

    Off the substances and now the is the best time.

    Support those like myself and on this community.

    Life is a journey make it a special one.

    Only quotes those words I used were from Support workers who deal with those like me.

    Now see the light.

    Only achievements and goals in life is making the day count.

    I hate to say this spent too many times in the black suit and tie saying good bye to those wasted their life.

    Please take care, keep safe anything I can help with ask.

    @thespiceman
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    I can't get my brain around tactical/curative thinking, right now, Spicey...I'm just cruising along.  My mental health problems are over 50 years of age + I'm utterly housebound + I live alone + have no friends + badly damaged immune system + almost non-existent diet.  Put all that together, and, yes...the situation is one of total pointlessness.  
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    BUT...I intend to try to get out, this year!  My entire year hangs on that desire and intention.   

  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    Wow @thespiceman! What a list! That'll keep me going for a long while. Thanks. :)
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    @IanHaines I love the RED films, I might give them another watch! Thanks for the other recommendations. :)

    Where are you planning to get out to? I have a list of a few places that I intend to go to eventually, when everything, pandemic included, is lined up properly of course! Haha!
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    I've not chosen, yet, Laura, but after this much incarceration, almost anywhere would be nice.

    I love the RED films.  I thought Catherine Zeta Jones kinda spoiled the 2nd one, though, because her character was something of a cliche and her walk was seriously overdone when first seen.  

    Pandemic, yeah...sometimes, it pays to be alone.
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    In my mind they've all blended into one film, I can't quite remember her in it. Was she Bruce Willis' girlfriend?

    I suddenly feel rich with expertise for people who are struggling with staying in! It must be difficult when you're not used to it. We're the pros!  ;)
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    No... Mary-Louise Parker ...was his girlfriend, in both films.  Catherine Zeta Jones started in the 1980s British comedy, "The Darling Buds Of May".

    Yeah...I often say that I could write a huge handbook for people with anxiety, health anxiety and depression, but I never get around to starting it.  I've noticed that there is, while even anxious, a certain calmness that I know comes from many decades of experience with anxiety, and I get a similar feeling even during depression periods.  I've been having a lot of trouble with my periods, lately.

    So, yes...I know what you mean.

    One thing is certain...if I did write a book, I think it might be a comedy, with a few serious trimmings!!!
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    Hey @IanHaines

    How're you today?

    The sun's out!!! Hooray! (But I'm not - I can tell by looking out the window - heehee!)
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    I'm cruising, as usual.  My place has that new glass...the transparent stuff, y' know? 

    It's great, but they put two giant window frames in, everywhere, instead of only one.  I don't think they've quite understood the concept of double glazing, just yet, but I live in hope. 

    I've been stuck in here for 22 years, anyway, so it's a busman's holiday, to me. 

    I've just applied to my local authority for permission to sneeze and I'm so excited that they're gonna say yes!  I've said 15 male hairies - wasn't it clever of me to get God on my side!?  :D

    Keep your rubber-gloved fingers crossed for me, folks!
  • mrbuttonsmrbuttons Member Posts: 221 Pioneering
    IanHaines said:
    Yep...

    Here I am, again, listening to deathly silence, living alone, no visitors, housebound (phobia) and it proves that life, for me, never changes.  I'm just...stunned, I guess, at how many times I say to people, "Whether I'm alive, unconscious, comatose or dead, if you need me, just pick up the phone and I'm there...I'm always there," those I know as acquaintances and call themselves "friends" have NO IDEA how to be friends, at all.  To tell them all to go to hell would be a little self-destructive...or, would it?  Now and then, I have a conversation on the phone with one of them - pretty much always when I phone them, of course - and, after a few minutes of their total failure to participate in the phone call, that reaching out is over, too, just like all the others.  I'm too good to these people.  I should withdraw my 24/7 offer and let them get the hell on with it all.  Trouble is, of course, they pick things up for me, from shops and I can't do without that. 

    I wouldn't mind betting that, out there, in Britain, right now, there are around 1,000 people with whom I would get on incredibly well, even if the Net was our only medium of comms.  Truth is...where the hell are they?...how the Heck do I find them?

    One relative I'm sometimes on the phone with...she keeps too much silence while I'm talking and, now and then, I say, "Hey...pretend this is a conversation and take part!".  The inevitable line, with others, too, is, "Well, what do you want me to say?"  What the hell kind of answer is that?  She knows my entire situation, loneliness, isolation, mental health troubles, no visitors, but she still doesn't take part in our phone calls unless I ask her how her dog is, or how my nephew is doing.  I just...can't understand these people.  With the same keenness as when I phone them, in desperation, why can't they pick up the damned phone and phone me, to even just see how I am.  This includes close-ish acquaintances and closer family (sister, etc.,) who don't even phone to see how I am, not even when they know I'm going through a breakdown, or when I have a physical ailment that has got me down.

    Over around 50 years, people have simply forgotten how to be warm and compassionate with others and it's a tragedy that it has come down to this.  The only escape from my loneliness is when I go to sleep and the entire world can just sod off, but the only hitch...the only bad side of that...is that I have to wake up, again.  And, on waking, I know how the day will go, with the phone only being used if I phone somebody else on/with it.  To whom does a person like me turn, to remedy this apparently eternal problem?

    hi Ian
    jeez you are going through it. I'm sorry to hear that and can agree with you about so-called friends. we find out who is genuine in times like these. I have been let down and hurt by 2 people i trusted who have abandoned me despite telling m to contact them If I ever need anything. i am learning that most people, if they are honest, can't really be bothered to do things that don't directly benefit them.it's unforgivable to leave people high and dry when you have offered to help them. it's cruel.

    on the other side, I wonder if some people think they are being kind but they are actually being selfish. or are we too demanding?


    in my situation, I think more honesty on all sides would be useful in setting boundaries so everyone knows what is expected and when to offer help and when to not. it avoids feelings of disappointment and abandonment. if i  ask too much of people i wish they would just say so and not promise to be there and then ignore me for months on end.sometimes its nice to hear a human voice on the phone even if you are only talking about the tv.

    some of us only want a chat now and again not a major clinical intervention from those around us. once years ago i said that to a 'friend' who had let me down and she said that she was scared to get too close to me because i had so many issues  (anxiety depression and physical disabilities) at the time and she could get overwhelmed. i understand that concern but not the need for the crushing rejection.
     i, sorry i have vented my own problems here but your post really chimed with me. i hope that something i  posted might be helpful to you.

    take kind care of yourself :)
  • IanHainesIanHaines Member Posts: 27 Courageous
    Mr B...

    The people to whom I refer always know what's expected of themselves (no contact, no support) and they know what is expected of me (to hear them say they'll be in touch, not get in touch and not get any grief about that) and I one day just decided to let them know about their empty promises and their worthless idea of support.  They support me by making sure the phone doesn't ring during ANY 24 hours period so that I won't have to tire myself out, picking it up and then go through the stress of having to actually talk on it.  I'm so blessed.  One day, the tables will be turned and they'll know how it feels; I'll make sure of it.  What have I to lose?
Sign in or join us to comment.