Mental health issues
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male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
I've started this discussion for anyone who suffers from PTSD ONLY.
Would you care to share your experience of PTSD and maybe share how your PTSD began?

I'll begin

I am a PTSD sufferer. I say sufferer because I am still experiencing PTSD and not a survivor of it.
Others may argue that I am a survivor but in my mind I do not feel I am.
I was diagnosed with it along with other illnesses after I left work. I had no choice to leave i was paid off on recommendation of the firms doctor.
Over time mightmares began and wakening up in cold sweats, some nights screaming and punching out. I slept on a single bed after that for awhile before returning to my own bed, I didnt want to accidently punch my wife..
I had counselling and thought that isnit all over and done with..But i was wrong. A few weeks went by and the nightmares began. Over and over and over. 
It was recommended I should go to a special organisation that helps with people who have been injured physically or physcologicaly in The Troubles.
It was good to be around others who either lost a loved one or were injured in some way also.
I would attend once weekly for over a year. And after that they would keep in touch and I was always welcome to go back anytime.
Nightmares stopped but only for a short time and since then they have returned worse than before. I'm remembering more and more almost daily.
Sometimes they are so severe i don't want to go to sleep at all..
I sit up on bed just listening to the world go by outside then the silence and darkness. Then I waken with the visions and cold sweats and have to get out of bed and sit on a chair in living room.
My cat will come sit on my knee grooming my hand then himself and fall asleep with his head on my hand. This helps me relax and before I know it, it is morning and I'm exhausted. 
This is how I live daily. 
I truly believe no one can understand what sufferers of PTSD go through unless they have PTSD or experienced it in their lifetime.
Counselling is fine but very regimental with the same phrasing of questions or comments. Eg  "how did that make you feel"

So thats me with PTSD

I've heard all the supportive phrases and comments before from counselling  and support lines and even joined one of those organisations and have been trained to help others and undertook extra training amd counselling courses and mental health first aid to name but a few degrees and certs I have.
But yet my nightmares continue. I guess I dont want to let go of them who knows.
I have helped hundreds maybe a thousand people I've lost count but can't help myself.
Someone might ask me I feel about typing about it or talking about it and so OK to type or talk about it as you can see.

So now whoever reads this and has PTSD would you care to share?

Best wishes.
Best Wishes 


  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering

    Firstly I would like to say how really sorry I am to hear about what you are going through because of your PTSD.

    Secondly I would like to thank you for starting this thread. I think it’s a really important subject which a lot of people just don’t understand😞

    I also have PTSD which I got as a direct result of being bullied and harassed at work for several years with nothing being done to stop it. 

    I have posted about this in a Workplace Bullying thread which I started, in Room 101 and in a Squirrels and Friends thread which I started. 

    I recognise some of the symptoms that you have and I have come across many people who do not understand what it is like to have PTSD😞. 

    You have asked for people to share their experience and I feel safe in doing so in this supportive online community without fear of my employer finding out.

    I will be repeating some of what I have already posted in other threads however, I need to explain why I have PTSD otherwise it might not make any sense.

    I was bullied and harassed by one person at work for several years and although the person is not at my workplace he is based at another location. I live in fear of seeing him again.😞

    I have vivid nightmares and flashbacks. I ruminate over what happened to me and I see people when I am out who look like the bully.

    If you haven’t read my posts in Squirrels and Friends you might wonder why I have mentioned PTSD under that thread. 

    I started that thread because I love wildlife especially squirrels and spending time interacting with wildlife acts like a form of therapy for me. 

    However, two days ago I was verbally abused by a complete stranger when I was feeding the squirrels

     (please see Room 101 for further details). However, I can tell you that not only was I really shaken up but guess what? It triggered my PTSD😞

    Although the stranger and the workplace bully are not connected, the fact that I was on my own when it happened so I felt scared, alone and isolated made me think about what happened in work because despite being surrounded by lots of “colleagues and managers” I also felt scared, alone and isolated. 

    I thought why me? Why do some people think it’s okay to pick on me? I thought that I might as well put a sign on my head asking people to target me😞

    Many people don’t realise that long term bullying and harassment does have long term implications.

    I already have Rheumatoid and Osteoarthritis. 

    Rheumatoid Arthritis is a very serious disease and I already had enough to deal with when the bully chose me as an easy target because bullying is a choice.

    I am not trying to turn this thread into one about workplace bullying but in my case it is the cause of my PTSD. 

    I appreciate that many people suffer from PTSD as a result of different things that have happened to them in their lives but in my case it was as a direct result of workplace bullying.

    On a more positive note, it’s great that you have helped so many people. 

    I am not trying to patronise you but I am really sorry it has been difficult for you to help yourself.

    I had counselling which helped a little bit. I then started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which was unfortunately interrupted by Covid 19. 

    I have had a lot of support however, from this online community which I only joined recently😁

    I explained what happened to me in the park and several members of this wonderful community took the time to help me😁

    I find it extremely difficult to deal with my PTSD because as I have explained in other posts I managed to cope quite well with my diagnosis of RA because I know with modern treatment it can be controlled. I also had a positive attitude in managing my condition because I knew what I should and shouldn’t do. 

    I am not demeaning physical disability because I am physically disabled, however, I have found it extremely difficult to deal with having PTSD which I have said I didn’t want or ask for on top of what I already had.

    Unfortunately the bully at work has been targeting people especially disabled people for years and has become “untouchable”. His behaviour including physical violence towards other members of staff has been covered up by senior managers who don’t want to deal with his behaviour because he makes vexatious complaints when anyone has tried to complain about his behaviour.

    The bully has been protected at all costs by senior managers and I am the one who wasn’t protected. I have to live with the consequences.

    I wish people would think before they choose to target disabled people in the workplace because in my case I already had enough to deal with without suffering from PTSD which had nothing to do with my original disabilities.

    I got virtually no support from colleagues who didn’t care because he left them alone, they were scared of him making vexatious complaints about them and couldn’t understand what I was going through. 

    I have been told “to move on” “to pull myself together” and “to forget about the bully” None of this things help and actually make matters worse. 

    I read a really good book about trauma and I have posted details in Squirrels and Friends.

    I’m sure you already know about this because of your extensive training, however, there are two ways in which the brain deals with trauma. One way is to desensitise itself so you feel nothing so effectively you don’t live your life and the other way is for the brain to be on constant alert expecting something bad to happen. I am in the later category.😞  

    I hope my comments are of some help and I am happy to contribute further to this thread because it helps me to talk about it when I believe people are willing to listen and understand what I am going through😁
  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    First if all can I say ii just love your user name the warrior part is awesome 👌 
    Secondly thank you for being strong to publish what has happened to you and what you went through and have gone through since. 
    Lots of people tend to think that to have PTSD one has to have gone to war, been through really bad accidents or something like this.
    Little do people understand what counts as trauma.
    Abuse in the home, workplace, or online can be so traumatic that it can actually lead to self abuse or taking ones life .

    I'd like to ask you one question I think I know the answer already but here goes..did you ever feel you could report it to an outside police?

    Your work so called colleagues and managers should hold their head in shame I don't class them as anything other than cowards.
    Then I have to walk in their shoes and think have they also been abused by that bully or perhaps a bully elsewhere in their lifetime.

    I dont know if its same there, I'm in Northern Ireland by the way and school children here are being taught that bullying is bad, doesn't work and to report it.
    They've been told to report it to a teacher, a class leader or a buddy who are other older pupils who wear a coloured hat who act as prefects.

    When I grew up bullying was prevalent in schools and workplaces and often the bullies succeeded in their goal. It happened to me in my street when I was a teenager. Many many years later I met the same person..and I just had to smile at him as he recognised me and took a red face lol..he weighed about 24 stone bald and panting for breath.
    Now I'm now in anyway mocking anyone in similar situations anywhere, but that was my revenge if you'd like to take that way. I walked on happy.

    One day you will hear news that that bully has met their match. What goes round comes around i always believe in.

    The bully must hold sensitive details over managers in the workplace. Maybe not. But a bullys time always comes back to haunt them.

    Just awhile ago a friend of mine wore a secret hidden camera to gain evidence on someone which worked and that person was then arrested.

    I'm so glad you read my post and decided to write yours. And I'd like to hear more if thata what you'd like to do. Ask me anything  ill give you an honest reply.
    Meanwhile I will look for your two threads to read up on them.
    My best wishes
    Stay strong and don't let fear hold you back..use it 
    Best Wishes 
  • WorldsoldestNEETWorldsoldestNEET Posts: 42 Member
    I hear some ppl had to go all the way to a war-torn country to get PTSD.
  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    I hear some ppl had to go all the way to a war-torn country to get PTSD.

    HI @AblistScumbagsMustGo
    No not all people. Many people can get PTSD  from many situations.
    Some from schools, some from workplace bullying, some from families, some from worry and stress, and many more situations.
    Do you know of someone with PTSD
    Do you have it?
    Is there anything you'd like to know about having it?
    Best wishes
    Best Wishes 
  • WorldsoldestNEETWorldsoldestNEET Posts: 42 Member
    Oh I'm very much aware. I got PTSD from a job interview.
  • MrCatMrCat Posts: 26 Member
    I probably have PTSD. However, the Government switched me over from real therapy to ABA before I could get diagnosed. Apparently every Aspie needs ABA because the Geniuses in charge know more about Autism then people who actually have it.

    By the way I from the USA... Land of Deep Narnia Closet Cases!
  • MrCatMrCat Posts: 26 Member
    Um, Scumbags have you ever heard of child abuse or all the other things which cause PTSD?
  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    Oh I'm very much aware. I got PTSD from a job interview.

    Care to share more please
    Best Wishes 
  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    MrCat said:
    I probably have PTSD. However, the Government switched me over from real therapy to ABA before I could get diagnosed. Apparently every Aspie needs ABA because the Geniuses in charge know more about Autism then people who actually have it.

    By the way I from the USA... Land of Deep Narnia Closet Cases!

    Welcome and thank you for contributing to this thread.
    I'd like to hear more if that's OK 
    Best wishes
    Best Wishes 
  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 700 Pioneering
    There is a difference between PTSD  and CPTSD.   Nevertheless,  I would suggest nobody  can harm themselves by being better informed, especially when most professionals have been  misinformed.   There are many (free) you tube talks by Anna Runkle.  Two or three are  particularly interesting. 
    Truth about effects of c.p.t.s.d,  and Myths about c.p.t.s.d., and Why I quit therapy. Oh, and one on Tough love.  She is a pleasant,  mild woman, who explains  reasonably,   nothing alarming!

    One highly relevant point is that much factual research has been done only in recent years, and few professionals are up to date.  (Surprisingly perhaps,  u.k.'s N.I.C.E. actually does have up to date guidance warning against the usual 'treatments', somewhere buried away, including the advice that talking therapy, diagnosing with mental illness labels, and giving drugs, may be fine for some, but for others, the 'treatment' will do harm. )Many people get 'treated' for decades,  to their detriment. 

    Anna Runkle explains well, and there's a book other people on the Scope site like a lot, called The body keeps the score. I've not seen it.

    Another point Anna makes is along the lines of concentrating more on how lucky you are, and as someone said "I wept because I had no shoes. Then I met a man with no feet"
  • MrCatMrCat Posts: 26 Member
    male45 said:
    MrCat said:
    I probably have PTSD. However, the Government switched me over from real therapy to ABA before I could get diagnosed. Apparently every Aspie needs ABA because the Geniuses in charge know more about Autism then people who actually have it.

    By the way I from the USA... Land of Deep Narnia Closet Cases!

    Welcome and thank you for contributing to this thread.
    I'd like to hear more if that's OK 
    Best wishes
    America is a country with a huge ego and not much else. 

    My staff apparently love to act like I am insane and so every day is another Gaslighting? 
  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    I haven't officially been diagnosed yet but thanks to a few on here I'm beginning to reach out for therapy (and therefore diagnosis). TW mentions of abuse, assault, narcissism

    I've had a series of different events, but the thing that triggered it all was a narcissistic carer I had for 3 years. I'd even call him a psychopath. It's not like I was abused for that long... or saw him for that long every day he came. But there was something about him that stuck within me somehow, always. His last game he played with me and another carer backfired on him though - he misjudged my character and it ended up getting him fired from the care agency and I never saw him again. But it was super stressful and my (former) friend assaulted me while it was going on and l just felt completely scarred and psychologically violated.
    I'm not 'normal' with ptsd symptoms as I completely shut down and have complete amnesia of trauma events and generalised amnesia of my life. I can remember some things but it's like vague parts of a book that are words that have no relation to me. My dissociation is hell and the worst thing for me, but I dissociate and numbed so much I can't remember or feel anything. And it's also like it fractured my Self. but everything confuses me at the moment so it's difficult to know what's completely happening to me. I hope that when I see someone about it, it'll help me understand properly.
    I believe that it's always good to know others with similar experiences who can relate and bring each others experience and help together. Also it helps me to talk about it to help put my thoughts together and also to know others who are trauma survivors, so I'm thankful you began this thread
  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering

    Thank you for your comments, support  and kind words👍

    Thank you for the compliment about my username👍

    I chose my user name because it relates to my attitude in managing to deal with living with a serious illness as RA. It’s just a pity I can’t cope with the PTSD in the same way😞

    I also started a Rheumatoid Arthritis  thread a few weeks ago if you’re interested. You will see that I can write forever about RA because although I am not a medical professional it’s something I do know a lot about. This is in complete contrast with my PTSD because I struggle to deal with it.

    It might sound strange but it’s as if there are two different people posting on the Rheumatoid thread and this one. I think it’s because of the huge difference in the way I have coped so well with one illness (RA) which I didn’t want either and so badly with the PTSD which I certainly didn’t want 😞 

    I posted about what happened to me because I think people who have PTSD might be able to help each other. I am really grateful that you started this thread😁

    There are many myths about PTSD as well including that it only affects war veterans or adults who have had a really bad childhood. There are many people who have PTSD because of those reasons however, in my case neither of those situations applies.

    Many people don’t realise that workplace bullying can cause PTSD.

    It is very hard for me because I was bullied and harassed as an adult. I have mentioned this in other threads but some people have said “Oh I wouldn’t have let him bully me”
    I would like to see what would they have done if they had been in my shoes. These are the same people who refused to help me.

    Well when you go to work that’s exactly what you are there for, to work. However, I was subjected to bullying and harassment for years by the same person. It wasn’t a one off incident, this went on for years😞

    I did think about reporting it to the Police as a disability hate crime but I raised a formal grievance containing a lot of evidence and naming several witnesses. The grievance wasn’t investigated properly as none of the witnesses were interviewed and the senior managers chose not to believe me😞 

    I was on my own because NOBODY would help me. 

    A series of managers chose to ignore his behaviour because he used to accuse anyone who dared to question his behaviour of racism which was completely unfounded. The irony is that he used to openly make racist remarks regularly!

    The bully didn’t want to do any work and spent the day insulting and ridiculing people. I didn’t want to join in so he started on me. If you “didn’t dance to his tune” he would get even more abusive them make false complaints to the manager about me.

    The bully mainly targeted disabled people and referred to them as “sickies”😞

    He used to make extremely vulgar comments which I cannot post on here because they are too disgusting. 

    Basically it was a living hell when I was in the same workplace😞

    I agree with your comments about my “colleagues” It was a case of “I’m alright Jack” or they were scared of being accused of racism.

    I really appreciate the fact that you understand my situation because so many don’t. I am fed up with being told “to move on” If only it was that easy. 

    I believe that out of work he is a coward and he is pathetic for targeting someone like me who was clearly already physically disabled.

    Most of the bullying was verbal. He would insult me, ridicule me and make vexatious complaints about me to various managers. He got sympathy from the managers who refused to do anything about it.
    Hindsight is a very good thing and if I had the mental and physical strength at the time I should have gone to an employment tribunal but it’s too late.

    By the time my formal grievance was not upheld, I had lost so much weight, I couldn’t sleep, I lost my self esteem, I lost the confidence to do my job, a job I was good at despite all my health issues and I was broken😞 I couldn’t face going to an ET only for the judge to support the bully. 

    I still work but I am no longer the same person and my enthusiasm has gone. My employer didn’t protect me and the real problem is that it’s not over because the long term result is PTSD which believe on top of having Rheumatoid and Osteoarthritis has been devastating for me.

    I am also terrified of seeing him again and people just don’t understand😞

    I see people who loom like him when I am out.

    Pre-Covid 19, I was in a bookshop with a friend and the bully looks like someone on television and I was saw a book with a picture of the tv person, my friend saw the book and immediately covered it with another book because my friend saw my reaction 😞 How do you explain this to people who either don’t understand or don’t care? 

    To many people a book with a picture of someone is harmless but it’s not if that one image transports me back to the time I was being bullied😞 

    I hope it makes sense😁

    Thank you again for your support as I really appreciate it 😁

    I apologise if I have written a lot about my situation but I hope it is helpful. 

    Thank you so much 😁

  • cupcake88cupcake88 Member Posts: 898 Pioneering
    Hi what a good thread I’m sorry for every one has experienced. I’m sending every one my good well wishes  nobody should have to face work place bullying im
    currently taking my past employer to tribunal I advice every one should not tell work places treat you like this . 

    (Warning sensitive subject may trigger some people ) 
    I my self suffer with ptsd led pychosis . I used to be such a care free Person no anxiety no nothing . Until I was with an abusing partner this was when I was in my mid 20s he slowing made sure he controlled me mentally emotionally and physical I become trapped in a abuse he terrorised every part of my life he nearly killed me and my my precous dog in a car he used to speed cars up to control me , he used to throw away my food when I was eating , he would wait till I did a full shop and throw it all in the bin , he would throw beer in my face , throw things at me , drag me out of bed in the middle of the night and beat me he forced him self on my sexually . I finally found the strength to leave I was ok for the first year but then I remember being out and then feeling like I had to get back to my dog incase some thing bad happened to him I remember all these panicked thoughts racing threw my head soon after that year by year I got worst and worst and to the point I was seeing men trying to kill me , hearing male voices , I still wake up in the night screaming I feel so bad that my partner does the not get any sleep because of me I don’t sleep well at all even tho this was years ago it still feels like yesterday for me , I have flash backs I can feel his hands on my neck . 

    I’m blessed to have such a amazing partner now but I feel like he really has to take care of me , he’s so worried bout me most of the time , he doesn’t sleep well because of my sleep pattern . I always wish that he knew me before I was poorly . 

    I’m under a mental health community team and im
    on medication and under a pych doctor . It took me to get extremely ill before I got all this help I went into major crisis when I actually ended up running threw the streets screaming I was being chased by the devil . Now I carry round like a card that explains my illnesses with my partners contact details but not like I go out any way . Im to scared of the out side world. 
  • GrinchyGrinchy Member Posts: 318 Pioneering
    This is an interesting posting, all very sad,  i feel for all of you, i hope as time goes on it eases for you
    I have complex PTSD, from years of childhood abuse from my mother and father both sexual and physical abuse, to much to write about really, but i was sold for sex to groups of men abused sexually by my father   a really horrible time, i suffer with flashbacks, nightmares and visions, and also have non epileptic attack disorder were i have seizures,     i write this just to share, i have had various counselling but the last time it was just bringing up more and more memories so was not helping, i am on various meds including antipsychotic i don't go out unless its with my wife, she is great and looks after me really well, my anxiety and depression gets me down but i try and stay positive, i have a star wars room where i go to destress, i love the movies and they have always helped me since i was a kid, no matter how bad it got i knew i had Luke and the gang to be there for me, anyway wishing all of you the best
  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    Hi all
    Well thank you to all for your lovely comments.
    I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner but I took myself and family off to the beautiful mountains of Mourne my favourite hotspot.
    I'm glad to read that many of you are openly sharing your experiences and I say to you allnthat I'm so sorrybthat you have had to go through and still are going through some very difficult times.
    I think its ok that professionals talk to us or treat us (I say loosely) but unless they walk in our shoes they can't treat 100 per cent.
    I think its good that there a group of us on here able to share and I hope none are having nightmares because of sharing.
    I would also hope that if others happen to stop by this thread and read someone our posts they might summon up the strength to post of their own experiences or illnesses no matter what ails them.

    So thank you one and all..
    Lets support each other..ill answer any questions I can regarding my own ptsd if asked.

    Best wishes
    Best Wishes 
  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering

    I hope you had a lovely holiday :)

    I am so grateful that you have started this thread. As I have previously said, many people don't understand what it's like to have PTSD unless they have it. PTSD has many causes and there are many myths about it.

    I get fed up with people telling me to "move on" or to "pull myself together", if only it was that simple. 

    As I have said before my PTSD was caused directly by being bullied at harassed at work so even trying to explain to "colleagues" why I feel the way I do is pointless because they simply don't understand. Many of them have said "oh just forget about him". 

    Well believe me I already had enough to cope with because of my OA and RA so I didn't exactly want to acquire yet another medical condition which is very hard to deal with because something which might seem like nothing to other people, can trigger an emotional reaction. :'(

    On a positive note, by sharing what has happened to me esspecially because I have other very serious medical conditions helps me and I hope it helps others because although the cause of my PTSD may be different to other people in the online community, I think we can try to support each other.

    I don't have nightmares because I have shared my experiences  here because I don't believe that anyone on here is trying to harm me.

    Thanks again for starting this thread. :)

  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering

    I am really sorry to read about your appalling experiences and I am sorry because I can't find the words that are strong enough to express my utter shock by what you have described.  I am trying not to sound patronising but thank you for having the courage to share the causes of your PTSD with other people in this online community.

    Please accept my apologies if I say the wrong thing or upset you because PTSD is an extremely difficult condition to talk about.

    What I can say is that you have my support and some of you have already given me support on other threads recently for which I can't thank you enough.

    As I have said previously there are many causes of PTSD but we all have PTSD regardless of the cause.

    Perhaps we can support each other by sharing ways in which we try to hope with PTSD but only if you feel comfortable in doing that.

    I know some of you already know about my love of wildlife and by interacting with wildlife this is one way in which I try to cope.

     If you haven't had a look yet, I have posted lots of photographs in the Squirrels and Friends thread, the Wildlife and Photography threads.

    I am not medically trained however, I find interacting with wildlife and just being outside lifts my mood. Perhaps this is similar to @Grinchy amazing Star Wars Collection :)

  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    I get fed up with people telling me to "move on" or to "pull myself together", if only it was that simple @RAwarrior that is so true people often said same to me, I'm sure said to others also. I listened out of respect to those who told me same but after awhile I just ignored them by not being around them. I became a loner for years. Then I joined an organisation and found it challenging but trained me to find myself and I came out of my shell and learned to speak for myself in ways I never knew I could. I have not got a mind that if someone doesn't like me for who I am then I dont care...
    One way that I have learned to deal with my nightmares is to imagine those that troubled me is to imagine them naked as keystone cops in a movie...then I laugh and that helps.

    I've always loved animals..and I believe they have a sense if your feeling low or high.
    My cat for example seems to feel when I'm on a high he comes and tortures me to play with him or groom him or both when I'm on a low he just sits on my knee amd enjoys that. Dump i know but thats what I imagine :smile:
    Best Wishes 
  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering

    Thank you for your comments😁

    I try to distance myself from people who don’t want to try to even understand and I don’t trust many people now. I am always looking at the motives or intentions of people to determine if they are going to harm me or not😞

    PTSD unfortunately in my case does change the way I see other people and I become very defensive if I sense someone is trying to harm me and I don’t physically harm me. 

    I have changed because I try to defend myself now to try to stop anyone harming me. That might sound really good but I do it with most people I meet which because of Covid 19 means I come into contact with less people which in my case I actually prefer. 

    I apologise to people who have been impacted by Covid 19 because they have come into contact with less people and it has affected their mental health but I am only talking about how it has affected me.

    The other thing that really irritates me is the person who is not a medical professional who “knows about psychology” and tries tell you what to do which usually includes the “moving on”, “Pull yourself together” and the “Forget about it” phrases😁

    I just find these people really annoying. I don’t mean people like the ones in this  wonderful online community, I mean the ones we come across including at work. I don’t bet but I can bet that someone who reads this has come across one of those people😁 My advice is to walk away from those people who can do more harm than good.

    I agree about your comments regarding your cat as cats are very perceptive animals who do sense if something is wrong.

     I think I enjoy spending time with animals because I know they won’t harm me😁
  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    Hi there.
    I have to agree with you about staying away from people because of lack of trust and wondering whay they're up to. Same goes for me. When someone talks to me I try to second guess why they're asking me a question or I body watch to read them. I watch their eyes as I believe theyre the hardest part of our body to disguise from fibbing.
    Theres nothing wrong with not trusting people it is sad though we do but its understandable and in many ways wise. It can save us from scammers, or fake people as I title them.
    People do what they need they feel they must do to survive...the animal kingdom does this  sonthe stronger survive..and with is doing it then we are strong.
    I often people watch and over time I've learned to read their body language. Some i get wrong but many I get right  so that helps also.
    Do what you need to do to survive and be you...only you know appear to be a smart person so I if you feel you're OK this way then carry on regardless.
    If, you want to change..then join an organisation that help people, become a volunteer and by doing so then I time you will learn who the real you is and it will come out in you and give you more confidence.  
    As for the bully.
    Bullies are cowards they pick on the quiet people, the weak, the disabled..on anyone they feel are afraid of animals they can sense this..what they don't expect is retaliation...fight back. You don't need to be physically able bodied to fight this coward...but if you summon up your inner strength you will find a way to fight back. Nothing illegal..everything legal and above have brains  the coward doesn't...
    Is this something you've wanted to do or others telling you to dobthis?
    What do YOU want to can't live your life afraid of a cowars can you...
    Remember  fear is transmitted...
    Best wishea
    Best Wishes 
  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    I'm inside crying because of the understanding between us.
    @RAWarrior I wouldn't have even thought sharing it possible, I've only been able to say anything about it until recently, so I'm really proud of myself for doing that. Maybe a part of my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I understand about trauma from bullying, my favourite carer was bullied by the narc so I know the effect it can have. Also I'll be happy to be your friend if you'd like.
    I've always been honest, trusting and I always tried to be kind towards others. It's really sad that I was taken advantage of because of that... I think I was naive about others because I naturally tend to see the good in others. But it's important to remember that there are good people out there too! My friends are from LGBTQ community so I suppose they're already in a vulnerable group, but they're genuinely good, supportive people so I know they're out there. It's easy to generalise about the bad people in the world so I just wanted to remind you that there are good people physically too. That said, I'm pretty wary now. I ask myself: is this person good for me? I think we can heal if we have people that are good for us around us. So I'm focusing on having people that are "good for me" around me and leave others behind. I read eyes and body language now, and also test them with seeing how they respond to certain words/phrases (as my narc didn't react badly to charged words)
    Also I agree completely about the pretend-psychology experts and the ones who are really dismissive. My sister is one of those unfortunately, so I try not to involve my health with her. When I was going through domestic violence, I managed to tell my sister that I was being abused (which is super difficult when you're being controlled) and she said I was just being sensitive... bleugh ><
    I've definitely become wary and not trusting about new people now and am pretty emotionally closed off. I have a "persona" that comes out whenever I'm in social situations, I think she is my protector. (No, I don't have DID, but it feels like my Self has split into pieces)

    Also if anyone's interested, I found a new therapy called "Internal Family Systems" that I'm going to start that's about understanding the different parts of our subconscious and what they're trying to tell us and healing ourselves as a whole. E.g. when a tf-CBT may ground us when we dissociate, an IFS would talk to the dissociated part of us and try to understand it. It's just something I wanted to share but of course feel free to ignore. This got way too long so I'll stop now
  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering
    Hi @Francis_theythem

    Thank you so much for your comments and support :)  I really do appreciate your understanding in relation to trauma and bullying especially as many people refuse to link the two things.

    I also think you should be extremely proud of the fact that you have had the courage to talk about your situation which will also help other people in similar situations.

    Although the causes of the PTSD which we both have are very different I still think that we can support each other.

    I only recently joined this wonderful online community and my first posts were about workplace bullying. I also never thought I could post anything about what happened to me and I do not participate in any form of social media.

    I am not a medical professional but please try not to think about the fact that you feel taken advantage of because as human beings we do try to see the good in people. As I have mentioned in my posts, I do not trust many people and I also read their body order to protect myself. I too feel that people (including the workplace bully) have taken advantage of me, however, I have tried to learn from my experience. My instincts whether this is right or wrong are to protect myself. 

    I am really glad to hear that you have a group of very supportive friends. I agree that there are good people and I just don't waste my time with people who don't even try to understand. 

    I really do appreciate @male45 for starting this thread because regardless of the cause of the PTSD, I think people in this online community can help each other.

    I was given a lot of support last week by several members of the online community after an incident in the park when I was feeding my little squirrel family.

    I have mentioned a really book which I read about trauma in the Squirrels and Friends thread if you are interested, however, please be aware that some of the book doesn't make pleasant reading. However, it did help me to understand how and why I have reacted to trauma. It also details the types of treatment in relation to trauma.

    There are also videos on Youtube with the doctor who wrote the book if you are interested. The doctor is Dr Bessel Van Der Koch. There are also videos on the Ted Youtube channel and Ted channel about trauma.

    It's interesting about what you say about having another "persona" and perhaps some of the other members of the online community have been in a similar situation.

    Thank you also for the information about Internal Family Systems which I will look up as I had never heard of it. :)

    On another note and I hope you don't mind me mentioning it on this thread however, how is the string art coming along? The photograph you posted on the Kaleidoscope Thread was really lovely.

    Many thanks again😊

  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering

    How are you all?
    Its good to know none of you have left and are able to share your experiences. It takes strength and courage to do so. I'm not patronising you just praising you and saying well done.
    If you notice in each post telling of what happened to each of us theres a common factor. That is fear...fear to face up to the bullies, what others see us as eg weak.
    We tend to stay in not go out unless with a close relative..we watch others we hear what they say and wonder why they use this phrase or word in that comment or this comment. We are always on alert.
    Is this a way to live?
    Cupcake you left your bully and found a new life . Francis_theythem you drew uonthe strength to help get your physco carer the boot. Grinchy you are a survivor of serial abuse of the most terrible way.
    Each of you including RAwarrior have come along way and are able to openly share what has happened to eaxh of you. 
    I started this thread in the hope that there would be at least one other member on this forum that may have PTSD  and share something about themselves.
    I am absolutely  in awe that more than one has decided that they'd like to share and I hope that by reading each others PTSD stories we might all form a bond and know we are not alone. We can walk in each others shoes and not ridicule each other because we understand and believe each other.
    I would hope others will have the strength to come on here amd share.
    For all of us that have shared but have held something back i encourage you to think if you'd like to share what you've held back. Decide if it will help you if you decide its not the right time that's fine. You are in control. Remember  ..YOU ARE IN CONTROL
    Think of those words amd think back that you weren't as you went theough your worst times.

    My best wishes
    Best Wishes 
  • mouseymousey Member Posts: 16 Courageous
    Hi, I thought I would chime in here as I have PTSD / cPTSD.

    I've done several sessions of trauma focused therapy but mostly it was working on my severe dissociation. I realised I had been dissociated for years in a row and most of my childhood. Sadly it became clear I need specific therapy for my psychotic illness before going back to the trauma specialists... That 'three stages of trauma recovery' thing.

    I was so relieved to get my CPTSD diagnosis after years of having PTSD labelled but it didn't fit. So, hi!

    Something I wanted to mention is since I've had my mobility scooter (I've only been out a couple of times) but I feel so much more 'safe'. Due to my physical disabilities I haven't been able to walk safely / pain free for years and even longer since I've been able to run. Being able to 'move fast' is really good.
  • WorldsoldestNEETWorldsoldestNEET Posts: 42 Member
    Oh yeah. Some ppl concider disassociation a bad thing, don't they?
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    Thank you for sharing this with us @mousey. I'm glad you feel your diagnosis now reflects your experiences. I hope you have still been able to access support throughout the pandemic.

  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @WorldsoldestNEET, here is what MIND says about dissociation:

    Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.

    Experiences of dissociation can last for a relatively short time (hours or days) or for much longer (weeks or months).

    If you dissociate for a long time, especially when you are young, you may develop a dissociative disorder. Instead of dissociation being something you experience for a short time it becomes a far more common experience, and is often the main way you deal with stressful experiences.

    Obviously, dissociation is initially a way of our brain protecting you. However, this means the trauma hasn't been processed. Like all coping mechanisms, we can resort to dissociation every time a stressful experience is present. 

    Working with a mental health professional can help to break down and understand the cycle of dissociation and allow us to process things.

  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering
    One of the main things I struggle with is getting my employer to recognise that I have PTSD and that “I can’t just forget about it and move on”. 

    It is really difficult to get people to understand the long term impact of what the bullying and harassment at work which after all was caused by one of their own employees, has done to me. 

    The bully is still employed as I previously explained and no doubt he is okay because he is working at another location but he has left a trail of destruction i.e. I have PTSD as a result of being bullied and harassed by him for years!

    I have read lots of the posts in the online community and I see that a really big problem is getting people to understand about mental health issues. 

    I have enough trouble explaining to people about my physical disabilities but trying to get people to understand about mental health is extremely difficult.

    It really annoys me especially in recent years there has been a lot of awareness about mental health issues in the media which I think has been a good thing, so why do so many people still refuse to help people with mental health issues? 

    There is a legal requirement to help disabled people in work under the Equality Act 2010 but in reality this means absolutely nothing to me.

    The Equality Act didn’t protect me when I was subjected to being bullied and harassed and it’s not protecting me now when I try to get my employer to help me.

    I used to be a dedicated and conscientious employee who took pride in the fact that I had remained in work despite my original disabilities. However, I got PTSD because my employer covered up what the bully did to me and now I have to pick up the pieces🙁

    As a disabled person with both physical and mental health issues (the mental health issues I got because of being bullied and harassed at work) I feel like a nuisance to my employer anytime I suggest something which might actually help me so help them😞

    Unfortunately mental health awareness is just a box ticking exercise by many managers so they can say they have done their awareness training but in reality it’s is equivalent to doing nothing😞

    In my case my employer wants to sweep it under the carpet and get me to “ move on”.

    Well I am the one that is suffering. 

    In case any of you are wondering why I am feeling so bad today after all I have posted photos on the Squirrels and Friends thread who many of you will know me from, but I had terrible nightmare last night about work. 

    Vivid nightmares are a big problem for me.

    In addition because I am feeding really stressed oday, my Rheumatoid Arthritis is flaring up so I am in a lot of pain today.😞

    I am fed up having to explain myself over and over again. 

    What really annoys me is when I hear my employer talking about equality which means nothing to people like me.😞

  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @RAwarrior, thank you for sharing this with us. Some really good points! I hope you aren't in as much pain today.

  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    I've been really struggling today. Y'know how trauma cascades can start with the simplest of things...
    Like there was a cricket game that my uncle's family have a rivalry with against mine soo apparently I messaged him to be like 'just your friendly reminder that the odi is today...yes I am continuing to remind you about these :p' and then he eventually replied with like 'thanks ... I guess' and I guess it just released a ton of tension that I have about my personality switches and how different parts of my fractured mind influence and control everything I say or do (or type in this instance) and I just broke down crying.
    Mm I talked to crisis and they helped stabilise my mood a bit and now I've been messaging my very non-judgemental friend but I can't get rid of the feeling that I should remove myself from the world and everyone - but self-isolation wouldn't work because my attention-seeking and social selves won't ever stay away from attention and seeking affection and safety that I never even get due to feeling unsafe around everyone except my aunt and uncle that sent me this so now I feel alienated from them too. Trying to err away from the conclusion that not living is the only way of not inflicting myself or my alternate selves and the mesh that is us all on anyone
    I guess maybe I'm also wondering if there was anyone on here that has multiple personalities, partial identity separation/alteration, DID or OSDD
  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering
    Hi @Chloe_Scope

    Thank you very much :)
    I am a bit better today :)
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    edited September 2020
    Hi @Francis_theythem.

    I'm sorry to hear that you were really struggling yesterday. I know that you've been having a difficult time recently anyway, so that can't have been easy.

    I'm really glad that you felt able to talk the crisis line, and that they and your friend have been able to make you feel a bit more stable. 

    I know that these things take time, but have you heard any more news about accessing some therapy? I think last time we spoke, you'd self-referred yourself to a therapy centre, and you'd found another place that you'd be able to contact over webchat or email if you needed to speak to someone more urgently, is that right? Were they the crisis people you spoke to yesterday? 

    I'm worried by your comment about feeling as though you should remove yourself from the world. I know you said that you're trying to stay away from the idea not living being an option, which is good, but I'd just like to remind you that you don't have to try and do that alone. Accessing some therapy will be the best thing in the long-term, but in the meantime please bear in mind that you can always contact the crisis people you spoke to before, ring or email Samaritans, or use the SHOUT text service. If you don't feel able to keep yourself safe, please call 999 or go to your local A&E. 

    Please do let us know if there's anything we can do to help :) 
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  • male45male45 Member Posts: 313 Pioneering
    Please remember you are NEVER alone. You can talk and we will be here for you as will the crisis line or any of the links  listed by @Tori_Scope

    Best Wishes 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Francis_theythem, how are you feeling today? I hope today will be a bit better.

  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    @Tori_Scope I'm sorry I worried you - I wouldn't have done anything dangerous to myself, I say things like that when I'm upset sometimes. Thank you for the links, I haven't heard of shout before. I use Samaritans sometimes but I have to email because phone phobic, they're useful for talking things through. Sometimes they ask questions that make me think but they wouldn't have helped in this instance.
    Because I have physical health problems they wanted to get an accompanying referral from my GP to understand my health problems better. The charity emailed me on thursday saying they hadn't had any response from my GP so I chased it up. Should come through sometime this week? Delay is because of my GP, basically.

    Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone @male45 I need that sometimes. It's kind of hard sometimes because i haven't come across anyone with the type of trauma response I have. Like I'm suspecting OSDD but structural dissociation apparently only happens with adverse childhood experiences and I wasn't abused as a child sooo I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that I'm just really really messed up and that noone will understand :(

    @Chloe_Scope I forget things really really quickly so I don't actually remember the emotions and thoughts that made me collapse so I'm fine now. Day-to-day amnesia does have its uses sometimes given I'm so unstable at the moment. 
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,731

    Scope community team

    Hello @Francis_theythem

    it's good to hear you are okay and I'm glad you chased up your GP to move along your referral.  Keep us updated with how it goes and if we can support you with it  :)   

    You are definitely not alone here and you fit in like an utter star.  How has today been for you?

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  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    There's no need to apologise @Francis_theythem, don't worry :) That's understandable, I just wanted to try and make sure that you were safe. 

    I think a lot of people are worried about speaking on the phone, so it's good that you're able to email Samaritans. I've heard SHOUT can be useful and it's good to have the number if you need it, anyway. 

    I don't know if you've ever heard of Papyrus, but they also have an email service ([email protected]) and a text service (07860 039 967). Their services are designed for younger people, so it could be worth saving their details somewhere too in case you need it. 

    It's good that they're taking into account your physical health. Fingers crossed your GP will get back to them as soon as possible! Keep us updated.
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  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    I found a forum for dissociative identity and here are people there who have the same experiences as me, which felt really validating.
    Oooh I've never heard of Papyrus before, if I'm feeling like that, I might try them :) Thank you
    It's been a week already since I chased them up and still nothing :( *sighs*

    I've been a bit better today. My pacing has been all over the place and I didn't get out of bed till midday but I did some lowkey drawing today.  They were just spiral patterns that I copied off google because I think my trauma is stifling my ability to be creative so I can't really create anything at the moment so I just copied patterns. But it was kinda relaxing a bit.  My book came two days ago as well - it's called "healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by janina fisher so I hope that will be helpful too. Some of my module next term happens to be on identity too - I think I'm going to end up having a proper identity crisis soon ><
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    That sounds great @Francis_theythem! It's good to speak to others who've had similar experiences. Have they been able to give you any tips?

    No problem :)

    DEEP sigh. I think GPs are quite swamped at the moment. If you haven't heard back during next week, maybe you could chase them again? That is frustrating, but don't give up.

    Try and focus on the positives- you got out of bed! That can be really hard sometimes, so try not to feel too bad that it was at midday. 

    The drawings sound good! You could always post them on KaleidoScope if you wanted? No pressure. The main thing is that you enjoy it. I can't draw at all, but I do little doodles sometimes to entertain myself.

    Ooh, the book sounds interesting.  I did a module or two on identity as well, I hope you find it interesting. Ha, well fingers crossed you don't have an identity crisis. Knowledge is power, hopefully... :D 
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  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    Not any tips, but it's just good speaking to people with the same experience as me - someone literally has exactly the same thing as me in social situations. They say I'm not inconsistent with DID, so that was validating in itself, because it was like oh I'm not making this split identity up? I think it kinda made me more confident about my symptoms because it's really easy to doubt myself. I'm saying this about DID on a PTSD thread...oops. Hopefully he won't mind ><
    Will do. The trauma centre seem pretty on it and quick to react (like within a few days) so I know when they get it they'll set up an appt pretty quickly. But the GP ugh she's usually better than this. I can understand how busy they are at the moment though
    Oooh I could do, it's not much though. I can't draw but I can do patterns.
    Technically it's on experience and perception, and how it relates to how we experience mental illness, especially reality/unreality in schizophrenia. Hehehe I will do my best
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    I'm sure he won't mind @Francis_theythem! That all sounds really positive and validating. 

    It's good that they're quick to react. I'm sure it's on her list, fingers crossed she'll get round to it ASAP.

    Go for it :) Patterns are cool. 

    That's so interesting! I hope you enjoy it.
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  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    Have you heard anything yet @Francis_theythem?
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  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    They literally just contacted me this afternoon! I have an appointment with a senior psychologist on 15th October!! Yaaaaaay
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    Yesss @Francis_theythem! That has brightened a rather wet and dreary Wednesday. Well done for persisting.
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  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    Hehe xD I was a little anxiety shaken after that conversation though but that was because it was by phone. Also good news is that my uni dept decided to start a mentoring program and I got my mentees names and contact info today! Will be starting soooon, I'm excited about getting to mentor people.
  • Parrot123Parrot123 Member Posts: 137 Pioneering
    I hear some ppl had to go all the way to a war-torn country to get PTSD.
    Sorry i really don't know what you mean??? I was 1st Diagnosed with ptsd aged 3. After a burn. Then again when I was 30 after a trauma. You don't have to go to war. It's horrible. Take care 😊 Will 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    I really hope it goes well @Francis_theythem! You'll have to let us know how you get on. :)

    Thank you for sharing this @Parrot123. :)

  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    That's a success in itself @Francis_theythem!

    What a great programme, sounds really good :) 
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  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,565

    Scope community team

    I'm sorry you went through that @Parrot123. You're right that PTSD can be caused by many different events, not just war.
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  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 120 Pioneering
    This is something that I've been struggling with - trauma disorders don't have to come from what others may see as not "bad enough". Like the war stereotype. In my case though it's about me telling myself that I can't possibly have an identity split because I didn't have "bad enough" childhood adverse experiences - mine were just that I was completely overwhelmed by all social situations that made me dissociate and caused enough stress/pressure to make me have different selves that front in different circumstances (anxious, social, dependent child). And the common thing in my (suspected) disorder is that only severe repetitive child abuse/neglect can cause it. Yet I have the same symptoms nonetheless.
    So it's about how we as individuals at that moment reacted to some thing. Not that this certain thing happened and this is the only way to develop ptsd/osdd/did. That's how I look at it.

  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Francis_theythem, your symptoms are just as valid, and of course still have a big impact on you. I imagine it is really frustrating to not be believed.

    Emotions are extremely powerful and can have a lasting impact. Like you say, it is a very individual experience and we all can react to the same situation differently, but that is not our fault. 

    I hope you are doing okay this morning. :) 

  • RAwarriorRAwarrior Member Posts: 430 Pioneering
    I agree with the comments about the causes of PTSD.

    As I have mentioned previously, I got PTSD just because I wanted to go to work.  I was bullied and harassed for many years by one person in work. One of the main problems which I have is trying to explain to others about my mental health because many people just expect me "to move on." 
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