Dating and relationships
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Disabled Dating Sites

csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
edited November 2020 in Dating and relationships
HiEveryone, 

How is everyone doing in the Dating Game?

I dont know about you Guys, but I have found from the websites I have looked at or even tried, especially for the visually impaired. They all seem to have the same design, functionality and Members on them. Why is this?  What do you all reckon? 

CSno01

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  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,780

    Scope community team

    Hi @csno01

    Which dating websites have you tried?  We recommend members visit The Outsiders which is a socialising and dating club run by, and for, disabled people - have you visited this one?

    Also, have you had any dates recently?  I would imagine the pandemic and lockdown has made it tricky!
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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    Hi @csno01

    Which dating websites have you tried?  We recommend members visit The Outsiders which is a socialising and dating club run by, and for, disabled people - have you visited this one?

    Also, have you had any dates recently?  I would imagine the pandemic and lockdown has made it tricky!
    Hi Cher, 

    i am aware of the Outsiders  websites yes. They have a group which they run through Facebook, which, I check in on regularly. I have also tried Facebook Dating but I find the problem with that is, members are globally scattered. There are others but I cant think of them right now. 



  • Ross_ScopeRoss_Scope Posts: 3,651

    Scope community team

    edited November 2020
    Fingers crossed you'll be able to safely get out and meet people in public soon @csno01, that will surely help 

    I have no experience of online dating but I am visually impaired, have you struggled with the layout of the websites in terms of accessibility?
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  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 10,222 Disability Gamechanger
    I tried outsiders and found it very difficult to use gave up as I couldnt even workout how to set up a profile 

    I use face book dating also but agree most people I get likes from are miles away.

    I met my last boyfriend on tinder 

    What amazes me about any site is the amount of fake profiles and also people just want intimate pictures or to sex text, I would have thought that people of similar age to me would have more than that on their mind . 
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,593

    Scope community team

    I think they use a Google Form to sign-up members @janer1967. Did you not find that accessible? 
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  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 10,222 Disability Gamechanger
    I used the facebook group got signed up but couldn't get a profile set up never mind not really the right time to be thinking of dating anyway 


  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,593

    Scope community team

    Ah right I see @janer1967. Indeed, it's definitely not a great time to be dating! 
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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    Hi @Ross_Scope
    Thank you Ross. I lack confidence and so I find this more of an issue then anything else really. Also, having a disability adds to it, especilly when it comes to mainstream dating. If like me, your disability is hidden, then its a 50-50 game. Does anyone else find themselves in the same boat?

    I am confident with the layout of websites so have not really found them an issue. 


    Setting up a profile on Outsiders wasnt so bad for me, although I agree, the layout isn’t very user friendly. Again, like you mentioned, Members aren’t 
    Local to me. I emailed them asking the question and I was told this. 

    I am aware of Tinder but have never used it. 

    Another site I have looked at is disableddatingclub. Again, I had no luck. 

    I am also in agreement with you that you spend ages setting up your profile and typing lengthily messages and get no reply in return.   This is what I dont like.

     
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,593

    Scope community team

    Chloe has a post about being in a relationship and having cerebral palsy, which you might like to read @csno01. She mentions dating apps in it, saying: 
    Yet could this be down to the fear of rejection based on my disability? For the brief time that I was on Tinder (other dating apps are available) I felt very judged by its focus on physical appearances. The casual nature just wasn’t for me and at what point do you ‘reveal’ your disability?
    I definitely don't think you're the only one to feel this way. 

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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    Chloe has a post about being in a relationship and having cerebral palsy, which you might like to read @csno01. She mentions dating apps in it, saying: 
    Yet could this be down to the fear of rejection based on my disability? For the brief time that I was on Tinder (other dating apps are available) I felt very judged by its focus on physical appearances. The casual nature just wasn’t for me and at what point do you ‘reveal’ your disability?
    I definitely don't think you're the only one to feel this way. 

    Thanks @Tori_Scope. I will take a look. 
  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    csno01 said:
    Chloe has a post about being in a relationship and having cerebral palsy, which you might like to read @csno01. She mentions dating apps in it, saying: 
    Yet could this be down to the fear of rejection based on my disability? For the brief time that I was on Tinder (other dating apps are available) I felt very judged by its focus on physical appearances. The casual nature just wasn’t for me and at what point do you ‘reveal’ your disability?
    I definitely don't think you're the only one to feel this way. 

    Thanks @Tori_Scope. I will take a look. 
    This makes perfect sense. I have also since found a friendship & dating site for the visually impaired which I will look into :-)
    Are there any other bloggers here. I thought about doing a bit but is there a limit of how much do you have to write? 
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,780

    Scope community team

    @csno01 Check out this post that we did a couple of weeks back; although it's asking for young bloggers in the title we had people of all ages respond with details about their blogs :)  I'm sure they'd be happy to help you.
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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    csno01 said:
    Chloe has a post about being in a relationship and having cerebral palsy, which you might like to read @csno01. She mentions dating apps in it, saying: 
    Yet could this be down to the fear of rejection based on my disability? For the brief time that I was on Tinder (other dating apps are available) I felt very judged by its focus on physical appearances. The casual nature just wasn’t for me and at what point do you ‘reveal’ your disability?
    I definitely don't think you're the only one to feel this way. 

    Thanks @Tori_Scope. I will take a look. 
    I have since looked at this page but unfortunately, I could not find any information about Dating g Apps. Unless I am looking in the wrong place? 

    On a similar note, I have come across a website called OKCupid. Does anyone know if  this platform for disabled people? I have registered and taken a look and so, far it doesn't seem to be. 
  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    csno01 said:
    csno01 said:
    Chloe has a post about being in a relationship and having cerebral palsy, which you might like to read @csno01. She mentions dating apps in it, saying: 
    Yet could this be down to the fear of rejection based on my disability? For the brief time that I was on Tinder (other dating apps are available) I felt very judged by its focus on physical appearances. The casual nature just wasn’t for me and at what point do you ‘reveal’ your disability?
    I definitely don't think you're the only one to feel this way. 

    Thanks @Tori_Scope. I will take a look. 
    I have since looked at this page but unfortunately, I could not find any information about Dating g Apps. Unless I am looking in the wrong place? 

    On a similar note, I have come across a website called OKCupid. Does anyone know if  this platform for disabled people? I have registered and taken a look and so, far it doesn't seem to be. 
    this was the source where I found out about the OkCupid dating site: https://disabilityhorizons.com/2015/03/disability-dating-sites-we-round-up-the-best/
  • Ross_ScopeRoss_Scope Posts: 3,651

    Scope community team

    I've never heard of that platform before @csno01, how are you finding it so far?
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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    I've never heard of that platform before @csno01, how are you finding it so far?
    I have tried a couple of different platforms such as: Outsiders and one called Deafblind UK - This one is more of a friendship group rather then dating. I had the opportunity to take part in a Zoom video call with Outsiders too. I have been trying to get to an Outsiders gathering for ages, but for some reason, it never came to light. Thanks to the use of Zoom, I had and took the opportunity to participate in a video call.   I took as a learning curve. It has been something I have wanted to do for ages.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,651 Listener
    edited January 4
    The last "date" I went on was taking my ex from school to the Odeon in 1989 at the age of just turned 13.

    Unless you can count taking female carers to the movies, I don't, I did like some of them but as usual I was loads too old :(


  • MPowell_1991MPowell_1991 Member Posts: 25 Connected
    csno01 said:
    HiEveryone, 

    How is everyone doing in the Dating Game?

    I dont know about you Guys, but I have found from the websites I have looked at or even tried, especially for the visually impaired. They all seem to have the same design, functionality and Members on them. Why is this?  What do you all reckon? 

    CSno01

    hi @csno01 - personally, when i was in the dating game, i found that disability exclusive sites required a membership fee which was both extauisionate and disgusting. Having said that, i met my now fiancee on Plenty of Fish which is free to join but be warned, there's some disingenuous people on dating websites so please be careful :)
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 10,222 Disability Gamechanger
    I have recently met someone through facebook dating 

    Yes any dating site has lots of scammers and fake profiles and those who are just looking for one thing but I did find the site better than others I have used 
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,651 Listener
    Last year I was on Plenty Of Fish, got a few matches but eventually I got tired of constant emails and deleted my account, especially when I'm in Sheffield and most of the matches were from the South East, London and that.

  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    Wow.
    I bet that was a while ago. @MrAllen1976Thats great news @MPowell_199
    I am aware of POF and have used it in the past, although I have had little success with it. This was due to either being upfront about my limitations, which lookking back on it, was probably too soon.  Or, sending out lots of emails and not getting any responses. 
    A couple of my friends who arent disabled, have used the site and have found their life-long partners Too. 
  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    Hi Everyone, 

    I hope you are all keeping safe and well? 

    I came across this article which I had a read of and thought I would share to get your thoughts. I struggled to understand it and was wondering, what message is it giving the reader? I hope it is ok for me to post as it mentions people / persons name.

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/3fd6b74d-e71e-4327-b2f7-3257e6a3c1ea 

    Thanks,
    CSno01 
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,593

    Scope community team

    Hi @csno01!

    The article is perfectly fine to share :) I think that some of the messages it's trying to give the reader are:

    Hidden motives for dating a disabled person

    Shane and Hannah:
    "Our society tells us that disabled people aren't worthy partners," she says. "There's almost no positive representation of disability or dating with a disability in our media, so many people think that disabled people couldn't possibly be in a healthy, wonderful relationship.

    "This means when they see Shane and I, they invent conspiracy theories to try to reconcile our relationship with what they’ve been taught."
    Gina and Charlie:
    In terms of social perceptions, it's interesting that people often assume we're siblings. Sure, we're both ginger, but I think it's easier for people to assume a disabled person would be out with their family instead of having a partner.

    We also get a lot of people thanking or praising Gina for being with me, which makes me sound like a booby prize or that she's settled for something she shouldn't have to put up with.

    This is saying that some people, unfortunately, hold such prejudice against disabled people that they find it difficult to believe a non-disabled person would want to be in a relationship with a disabled person. They might therefore invent fake theories about the relationship such as:

    • they're only in it for the money
    • they're faking it for fame
    • the non-disabled person must be in another relationship at the same time

    Whether or not to use the term 'interabled couple'

    In the US, some couples, including within the disability vlogging community, have started to use the term "interabled".

    But it's not widely accepted. Some feel it's an unhelpful reinforcement of narrow-minded, medically-orientated thinking.

    "It's inaccurate and focuses on the physical or mental differences between the two people (or more) in a relationship," says disability campaigner and broadcaster Mik Scarlet.

    "Disabled people spend far too much time trying to get wider society to understand the 'social model of disability', which suggests we aren't disabled by our bodies but the way society treats us, so when a concept like 'interabled' takes hold it undoes so much of that work."

    This is saying that the term 'interabled' is controversial, as it doesn't fit with the social model of disability. The social model of disability states that people have impairments, but it is society that disables them. Saying that a couple is 'interabled' might suggest that one person is 'able-bodied', and the other is not, which isn't language that the social model supports.

    Sex

    Lucy and Arun:
    there's definitely a taboo around disability and sex, in that people think you cannot have both.

    While this may be true for some cases, I feel people who are disabled have a much deeper appreciation about what it means to be intimate and have sex. It's not just about penetration (sorry to be so blunt), but I think more about the feelings and emotion, the foreplay and the pleasure.

    It's a whole experience that I think some non-disabled couples would say that they are lacking.

    Lorna and Rob:

    Plus, that guy is like, obsessed with me or something, he's happy just being with me! Our sex life is strong, mainly because we communicate.

    These bits are just making the simple point that disabled people can enjoy sex, and non-disabled people can enjoy having sex with disabled people. 

    Care

    Gina and Charlie:
    People also seem to think it must be a very one-sided relationship, with Gina doing everything for me. The opposite is true: it's a two-way street just like everyone else's relationships. Yes, she may help physically day-to-day but I support her through mental struggles and everyday life.

    If there's one thing I want people to understand it's that relationships are relationships. They have ups and downs, responsibilities, and care and understanding for each other. Having a disability doesn't change that. If you're in a relationship with someone with a disability, it is just that. No ulterior motives.

    I think a lot of the misunderstanding comes from people believing that helping a disabled person can only be a chore - the duty of a paid friend or assistant.

    What they fail to understand is that, actually, when I help Charlie, it doesn't weaken the relationship and take the love away. If anything it heightens it. I never use the word carer for this reason, I am Charlie's partner through everything.

    Lorna and Rob:

    Rob has to help me with some personal care, such as showering and other day-to-day tasks.

    I would say it absolutely brought us closer as a couple, and continues to do so. I think care within a relationship, although often tricky to navigate, can be so intimate.

    So although I may not be able to do the hoovering or the cooking, I listen to him when he needs to offload about his day. I do the meal plans to ensure we're both getting a healthy, balanced diet.

    The fact is, care of some form should exist in all romantic relationships - abled and disabled - otherwise what exactly are you doing with each other?

    I think these sections are trying to show that it may be the case that a non-disabled people might need to help their disabled partner out with various things, depending on their needs, but that this isn't a 'burden' or unpleasant job. Caring for your partner is an important part of any relationship, and it isn't one sided. It can also bring you closer.


    I hope this makes sense? I just tried to get a few of what I thought were the key points across. 

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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    Thank you very much for taking the time to do this @Tori_Scope. It makes sense now. 

    Csno01
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,593

    Scope community team

    No problem @csno01 :) Do you have any thoughts on it? 
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  • csno01csno01 Member Posts: 208 Pioneering
    No problem @csno01 :) Do you have any thoughts on it? 
    Hi Tori_Scope,

    I have posted this topic on several other forums / sites and I have got mixed responses. I am unsure what to make of it although your response is the most positive.
  • MPowell_1991MPowell_1991 Member Posts: 25 Connected
    csno01 said:
    Wow.
    I bet that was a while ago. @MrAllen1976Thats great news @MPowell_199
    I am aware of POF and have used it in the past, although I have had little success with it. This was due to either being upfront about my limitations, which lookking back on it, was probably too soon.  Or, sending out lots of emails and not getting any responses. 
    A couple of my friends who arent disabled, have used the site and have found their life-long partners Too. 
    Hi @csno01 - i hope that you are keeping well? I've always been up front about my disability, it's you, there is, in my opinion no point in hiding from it. For sure, has the fact i'm in a wheelchair deterred some girls before? The answer is simple, of course it has but i would strongly advise you persevere. Really try to get the bottom of what you want in a relationship, what are the qualities and the attributes which you value? - i very often sent lots of messages to all kinds of different people and rarely got a response from anyone.

    You wouldn't believe the amount of times my partner gets asked by friends and colleagues if i'm capable of having sex, truthfully though, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being up front and direct with people if that's something which you're comfortable with :)
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