Romina Puma on disability, dating and the myths about wheelchair users’ sexuality.

Cher_Alumni

Romina Puma is a comedian with Muscular dystrophy who is perhaps best known for being candid about her sex life as a disabled woman.  Using comedy as a tool to confront prejudice, her upfront words both make people laugh and challenge the views that oppress people living with impairments.  

To see Romina in action, check out this video from Scope’s 2016 #EndTheAwkward campaign in which she talks about the pleasure of sex toys.

https://youtu.be/N7vK9XKtbr8

Interview with Romina Puma

We caught up with Romina over the New Year to chew the fat about dating, sex and how far society still has to go in dismantling stigmatised views.

It’s been 4 years since you recorded ‘On the prowl’ for Scope.  Have you always been so open about your sex life and what reaction did you get at the time?  Do you still advocate the use of sex toys?   

Wow, already 4 years? Time flies! No, to be honest I wasn’t so open when I was younger, probably getting older you don’t care so much anymore what people think. People were impressed, you don’t see often talking about that topic, it was eye opening and a lot of fun. It all started from my solo show where I was talking about my disability and all the things I went through since I was diagnosed, and the part of the show people remember the most is the part about sex and disability. I’m very proud of that show, because I raised a little bit of awareness about it. I do not really advocate, but if I get asked to advise I always recommend the use of sex toys, not only to people with disabilities but everyone should. With sex toys you can discover things about your body you never knew you liked, or at least that is what happened to me. 

Have you met anyone since 2016 and was being disabled ever an ‘issue’? Or, are you happily single and navigating the lockdown dating life? 

I have met my partner just before Christmas 2016. It was the best present I could ever get. We are still together, and he actually proposed last year. We met on Tinder, I know one in a million dates that actually worked, and in my profile picture I was sitting in my wheelchair. It was a quick way of making it clear from the start and if it was a problem I wasn’t even getting contacted. However, my partner didn’t mind me being in a wheelchair, so he swiped right, we met, we clicked and the rest is history; and now my show is all about him.    

Overall, how do you think attitudes to disabled people and sex are progressing? Are there any stereotypes that you think still need to go?

There is still a lot of work to do. Stereotypes do not go away that easily. I’m sure there is more awareness, but also still a lot of ignorance. The most common stereotype about being a wheelchair user is that by default nothing works down under, but it is not always the case and on top of that there different ways to feel pleasure and more powerful than the normal sex everyone knows and does. Through comedy I always try to raise awareness, talking about being a person with a disability and in a relationship and my relationship is exactly the same as any other between able bodied people, not more nor less. 

What would your words of advice be to our disabled community members who are nervous about dating and don’t know where to start or lack confidence?  
I would say to be strong and be prepared for all sorts. Especially if you go for online dating. I went on and off a few times, because it was getting too hard to cope. But do not give up, go out, meet people or go online and do things you like to do, be yourself and honest, and maybe when you least expect you will find the right person. 

Thank you Romina, we hope 2021 is a great year for you.

To keep up with Romina, follow her on Twitter @RominaPuma and visit her website.

Over to you:

• What stereotypes about disability and sex most frustrate you?
• How are you finding dating during lockdown?
• Do you have any messages for Romina?

Drop us your messages below!

Tori_Scope

I really enjoyed reading this! Lots of interesting insight, and it's great to hear a positive story  

Richard_Scope

Thanks for the post, Romina.
People assume all too often that disabled people can't or don't have sexual feelings or desires. Another thing that really grinds my gears is when people also assume that partners I have had are my carers!

janer1967

Hi since becoming disabled and single I have used dating sites I have had 2 partners I met online sadly they didn’t work out but were amicable break ups 

The first restored my sexuality and gave me the confidence to embark on a full relationship 

It is hard to find a suitable partner who can find you attractive and can cope with your limitations but there are such people out there needle in haystack 

however lockdown isn’t a good time to start anything as you can’t actually meet but can use the time to get to know each other more and if they get bored waiting then they prob not as interested in you as a person 

WestHam06

Thank you for sharing this, a really interesting read. Thank you. 

cartha

Very interesting. Romina has some great recipes on her Youtube channel. I've given up on dating for now, found it too difficult to cope with break-ups, plus can't really date properly under current restrictions. Not interested in toys, they aren't the same.

SOB

My experience of dating is nil! I don't know if I'm gay or a-sexual etc, maybe being sexually abused as a kid is my problem!
I've found making that first approach, asking for a date difficult. The fear of rejection maybe, being touched by a stranger?
I had a look on dating websites, zoosk for one. But was hacked and I keep getting emails from the Ukraine, the women are phishing for dater or money. So everyone should watch out for this and do not get scammed. 

Cher_Alumni

Hi @SOB

I've just sent you an email, if you could give it a quick read and get back to me.  Thank you

Lisatho11987777

@SOB I am so sorry that happend to you I have also been through your experience as a child and it took along time for me to decide  when I was younger I am 58 now but its been a struggle you will get through it and you will find  yourself  and know   I hope scope can help you  and I sincerely wish you the best and take care 

SOB

Thank you for your kind thoughts and understanding, as for what happened to me still hurts. As an 8 year old, I didn't know what was happening. But till years later, I started having flash backs. Every time child abuse is mentioned on the TV, that terrible feeling comes back. I don't like to rake over the past, but I try forget and forgive instead. 

Lisatho11987777

@SOB I experienced this at a later age I was 14 it went on for two years  in my own experience you will need help to deal with it as from what you have written it is affecting your life 

I know its hard but just telling someone about your experience  and talking about your feelings  realy does help please don't let the abuse lead your life and define the person you are it took me years to deal with it but now I am a stronger person for it  scope will help you please reach out and take that help  the abuse took your childhood  don't let it tske any more 

Ross_Alumni

Hi @SOB

I completely understand why you are still hurting after what happened to you, those mental scars can take a long time to heal if at all. I would advise reading the email from Cher if you haven't already, but I'm curious if you have ever sought counselling for what happened to you? You might wish to speak with your GP about this, or look for support through the Survivors Trust.

cartha

SOB said:

My experience of dating is nil! I don't know if I'm gay or a-sexual etc, maybe being sexually abused as a kid is my problem!
I've found making that first approach, asking for a date difficult. The fear of rejection maybe, being touched by a stranger?
I had a look on dating websites, zoosk for one. But was hacked and I keep getting emails from the Ukraine, the women are phishing for dater or money. So everyone should watch out for this and do not get scammed. 

A friend of mine was scammed by someone from one of those countries next to Russia. I can't remember which one. She wanted money for the air fare to come to UK to meet up but took the money and never arrived.

I also have a problem approaching people, and find it more difficult as I get older. I think a lot of my problem is confidence, and I always seem to choose someone not good for me. I would like to have a special someone in my life but can't see it happening at the moment. I'm uncomfortable being touched by someone I don't know (really don't like hugs from complete strangers but I accept them because I don't want to be rude or give them the feeling of being rejected), Even hugs from most friends don't feel right to me. In a close relationship I do love the hugs and touching so it isn't that I have a problem with touching itself. My abuse happened as an adult but it was emotional abuse. I've also tried dating websites because I don't meet new people, but I gave up on them some time ago. I didn't pluck up the courage to contact anyone, and those who contacted me turned out a bit weird or scammers.

Lisatho11987777

@cartha so sorry you suffered emotional abuse have you sought help with this any sort of abuse is awful and can define how you live your live 

I am sure you will meet someone one day I think during lock down it eill be harder 

They used to have clubs  ore lockdown such as the over 50s club where you would go and meet people the one I  used to help out with was mixed disabled and able bodied  and we ran separate ones aseel

It may help to talk to someone  about the emotional abuse thst  gappend to you maybe scope will be able to help you 

Lisatho11987777

@SOB how are you you doing today just wanted to check in with you hope your ok 

Take care ? 

SOB

Thanks for message,
Well I'am stuck at home today. The weather is bad, nice days can help lift my mood. ?

Lisatho11987777

@SOB 9 know the weather hasn't been good at all hope you feeling ok though 

Take care ? 

cartha

lisathomas50 said:

@cartha so sorry you suffered emotional abuse have you sought help with this any sort of abuse is awful and can define how you live your live 

I am sure you will meet someone one day I think during lock down it eill be harder 

They used to have clubs  ore lockdown such as the over 50s club where you would go and meet people the one I  used to help out with was mixed disabled and able bodied  and we ran separate ones aseel

It may help to talk to someone  about the emotional abuse thst  gappend to you maybe scope will be able to help you 

Hi Lisa, thank you for your reply. I've been trying to seek help for years but a recent event prompted the GP to send me off for testing. I've had the results but haven't found anyone to help. I have been referred to the mental health hospital twice but they tell me they can't help me with my mental health problems because I have autism. I'm on the waiting list for the Integrated Autism Service. I never knew I have autism until my recent diagnosis (in my 50's). Since doing a lot of reading it now makes a lot of sense of things that have happened in my life. One of my exes actually pointed out that I had the same weird behaviours as my daughter (she has ADHD and ASD), which I never picked up on because my daughter and I are normal to each other. Anyway, I've had diagnosis but no actual help yet. I have tried Mind, etc. but I was only offered groups, which I'm not ready for. There are things I'm not allowed to talk about outside certain professional circles so I really need a one on one with someone from within the circles, which includes social workers but they tell me they don't have any services that can help me. Everything is waiting on the Integrated Autism Service at the moment. CBT won't work for me, apparently. NHS (at least around here) only seem to do a autism diagnosis for adults but don't offer any help. My daughter has tonnes of help she has access to. Kind of feel like they have written me off because of my age. Or is the the ASD? Anyway, I don't like to go on about it I much prefer to try to cheer other people up. My mental health problems are PTSD, AvPD, depression and anxiety. It has taken a year or two for me to pluck up the courage to post anything on Scope. I joined ages ago. Just never felt I had anything interesting to say, and was worried about the response if I introduced myself and spoke about my problems. I don't like a lot of attention or sympathy, I just wish I could find solutions. I don't usually like going on about my problems. I did have eleven weeks of private therapy but didn't find it any help. I can't afford that any more, anyway. I married someone with NPD who completely took over my life. I would have been classed as a vulnerable adult according to the definition but I didn't know at the time. That's another story. Dating clubs aren't for me. I would be the one quietly sitting in the corner trying to not be noticed. Thanks for the thought, though.
Carl.

cartha

SOB said:

Thanks for message,
Well I'am stuck at home today. The weather is bad, nice days can help lift my mood. ?

Have you had snow where you are?

Lisatho11987777

@cartha I am so sorry  I blurted everything out on another thread  about myself  because I was pushed but its out now so I can help others now 

I have very good help for what happend in my past and for my disability I am sorry that you aren't getting  any help yet 

It doesn't help  with the corona virus either can scope help at all they are usually very good  I hope it isn't because of your age I am 58 and get very good care did you say you live in Wales 

I hope things will get better and you get the help you need 

cartha

lisathomas50 said:

@cartha I am so sorry  I blurted everything out on another thread  about myself  because I was pushed but its out now so I can help others now 

I have very good help for what happend in my past and for my disability I am sorry that you aren't getting  any help yet 

It doesn't help  with the corona virus either can scope help at all they are usually very good  I hope it isn't because of your age I am 58 and get very good care did you say you live in Wales 

I hope things will get better and you get the help you need 

Thank you. Yes, I'm in Pembrokeshire but the services here are awful. They keep trying to close down the hospital, and it's nearly impossible to get a GP appointment at the moment (combination of lockdown and another surgery closing down). I haven't tried asking Scope yet.  I'm glad you have been able to find help. My problems are more complicated that I have explained but they're not for a public forum. I suppose I'm still at the beginning as I have only recently been diagnosed. And the lockdown problem, as you say. I'm also waiting for a support worker from Goleudy to get in touch but waiting lists everywhere at the moment. I've been 21 for 34 years (or at least my brain thinks so. My body will probably disagree) ;-)

I'm working on things. Hopefully get there in the end. Just wish this virus would stop being a problem, it's holding a lot of things up. My dad just had is first jab so that's a start. It's nice to have a forum where I can talk and not be looked down on. I wasn't sure if this was the right place for me because my problems aren't physical but I have seen others talking about mental health and autism, so that has helped me a bit to talk (type). The games are a great idea. Keep them going :-)