Dating and relationships
If this is your first visit, check out the community guide. You will have to Join us or Sign in before you can post.

Relationship issues

coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
edited January 28 in Dating and relationships
I have just discovered that my partner of 2 years has been cheating on me online.  We're in lockdown together so this has been taking place under my nose.  I am angry, hacked off and feel like a fool for being taken advantage of.  My problem is that at the moment I am financially dependent on him and he owes me a substantial amount of money.  He doesn't know that I know, but I don't know how long I can keep this under my hat.  I am in full fight or flight mode right now - pounding heart, red face and stomach in knots.  HELP
Tagged:

Replies

  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 3,817 Disability Gamechanger
    @coylygirl sorry to here that especially in lock down 

    When you say your financially  dependent on him in what way does he work or claim benefits for you 

    You can get benefits in your own name if you decide to leave him 

    Have you got anywhere else to go or do you think you can work through this 

    You can get help from shelter if you need somewhere to live  or you can speak to citizen advice 

    Do you have a disability,  you gavent said very much so that's all I can suggest at the moment 

    Others will reply 
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi there 

    I am sorry to hear this and can empathise with you been there done that 

    If you want to end the relationship dont let the financial reliance stop you there are always alternatives 

    Try not to do anything on impulse as you will be hurt and angry at present and this may cloud your judgement 

    Do you feel you can approach him about this ? And I am presuming he hasn't cheated physically though it's still no excuse 

    Always someone here to chat you.will get through this 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    I am in debt - due to partner - and need him to pay me some back before I can kick him into touch.  It's my house, so I have no accommodation issues, fortunately.  I have bipolar and I'm feeling a bit manic at the moment
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    You can sort out the debt dont let that stop you 

    You can arrange an affordable repayment plan 

    I'm not being harsh here but will you actually get the money back he owes you? You could again set up a signed agreement 

    Dont give him any more money 

    If you are feeling unable to cope and it is affecting your bipolar please contact your gp 

    Do you have any family or friends to help support you or just talk to 
  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 3,817 Disability Gamechanger
    @coylygirl do you have a mental health worker that you can speak  to 

    You could speak to scope on the phone for advice  @janer1967 may know of other places that can help you I have tagged them so hopefuly reply soon 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you all so much for your replies and support x
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,010

    Scope community team

    Hi @coylygirl :) Welcome to the community. I'm very sorry to hear that you're in such a difficult situation at the moment, and it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling stressed about it. 

    We're sending you an email from [email protected], so please do keep an eye out for it and let us know if there's anything more we can do to help. 
    Online Community Coordinator, she/her

    Want to give us feedback? Complete our feedback form now.
  • kami24kami24 Member Posts: 362 Pioneering
    So sorry to hear that you rely on him financially. There is help available. I would advise speaking to the council if you are considering leaving him or even the social work department if you have bipolar and no where to live in the future. I have been in a similar situation in the past and the council do help if they can do. I have personality disorder 
  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 3,817 Disability Gamechanger
    @kami24 its her own house so housing is ok which is a blessing 
  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 3,817 Disability Gamechanger
    @Tori_Scope thank you  its an awful position to be in 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thanks folks, hanging on in there x
  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 3,817 Disability Gamechanger
    @coylygirl hope things get better for you soon 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you.  Speaking to the bank tomorrow so fingers crossed x
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    Fingers crossed for you hang on in there 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you so much x
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    I know what it is like and how you must be feeling so anytime you want a chat just reach out 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you, will likely take you up on that x
  • woodbinewoodbine Member Posts: 3,730 Disability Gamechanger
    hi @coylygirl from a male perspective I would say soon as you sort the money side out kick him out, lifes too short to have people in it you can't trust, but as above if you need to chat heres as good a place as any.
    my advice is given freely and is correct to the best of my knowledge.
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you woodbine, I have lost the trust and no second chances x
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    ...and in the meantime clean the dogs bum with his toothbrush....
    Best wishes.
    My opinions are my own and
     do not necessarily represent the scope website...
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    I have had thoughts along those lines lol.  Thank you for making me smile x
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    I'm finding it hard to keep my **** together
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Do you have someone you trust that you can talk to?
    Even a help line might give you some comfort untill you're feeling better able to cope, this must be a big shock for you to have to deal with, but focus on yourself, take it easy on yourself and you will get through this, don't try and cope on your own.
    Things will get better, take care.

  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you so muc x
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    It wont help if you are holding it in and putting a brave face on so he doesn't know you have found him out 

    You need space to heal and be able to let your feelings out the sooner you get him away from you the better. Yes you will miss him but better than it is now 

    I spent 3 years of hell suspecting my husband was cheating but didnt do anything for sake of our son but tbh when it all came to a head it was a huge relief.  It was still heartbreaking finding out my suspicions were right 

    So for yourself a favour and dont drag it out 


  • chiariedschiarieds Member Posts: 7,940 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @coylygirl - I have no particular words of wisdom, nor have I been in your situation, however, to me, to love a person I also felt you should like them too. In other words, respect each other, &, as you mention, trust.
    If you still have strong feelings for him, talking may be the way forward; only you can know.
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    He has been sexting her and now wants me to go upstairs and....  There are no feelings left
  • kami24kami24 Member Posts: 362 Pioneering
    So sorry to hear coylygirl
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,010

    Scope community team

    You don't have to do anything you don't want to do @coylygirl. Let us know how you get on with speaking to the bank :) 
    Online Community Coordinator, she/her

    Want to give us feedback? Complete our feedback form now.
  • woodbinewoodbine Member Posts: 3,730 Disability Gamechanger
    Cress said:
    ...and in the meantime clean the dogs bum with his toothbrush....
    Best wishes.
    My opinions are my own and
     do not necessarily represent the scope website...
    That made me laugh out loud ! hope it doesn't give senior management any ideas :)
    my advice is given freely and is correct to the best of my knowledge.
  • kami24kami24 Member Posts: 362 Pioneering
    Not funny errrl
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,334

    Scope community team

    Hello @coylygirl How are things going?  Please let us know if you need any support and I really do hope the situation has gotten better for you  <3
    Online Community Co-ordinator

    Want to tell us about your experience on the online community?  Talk to our chatbot and let us know.
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    An update for you, things came to a head on Monday and the police were in attendance and took him away.  I had a full blown Bipolar relapse and am extremely manic.  Fortunately I had already contacted my GP who was amazing and referred me to Mental Health Team.  I am being supported by Home Treatment Team, Psychiatrist and 24 hour helpline.  They are currently sorting my meds which hopefully will be here this afternoon.  Currently on high dose of Diazepam for my anxiety and mania and it is helping.  After 48 hours awake and hypervigilance, I finally got 6 hours sleep last night.  Getting all the support I need from professionals and my amazing friends. Feeling the love and so much gratitude.  The police have had a word in his shell-like so he hasn't contacted me since Monday and is blocked anyway.  Pressing charges for the assault which is classified as ABH.  Feeling slightly more in control and making a simple, manageable plan for every day.  Am so grateful this forum.  Best wishes to all xxx
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @coylygirl
    Thanks for the update I hope you are ok 

    It sounds like you have a plan and support to get through all this 

    All you can do is take it one step at a time 

    I'm sorry it came to you being assaulted that must have been very scary and glad the police are taking action 

    We are always here to give you all support we can 

    Big massive virtual hug x x 



  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 3,817 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi glad your getting your life sorted so pleased for you 

    You can try and move forward now with the support you have 

    I wish you all the best 

    Take care 🙂 
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,334

    Scope community team

    Hi @coylygirl

    Thank you so much for taking the time to update us on the situation.  It sounds like you have had a rough week and I'm so sorry it got to that point :(  

    It's great to hear you are getting lots of support from friends and mental health services.  Always remember our community is here for you whenever you need us  <3  Look after yourself lovely. 
    Online Community Co-ordinator

    Want to tell us about your experience on the online community?  Talk to our chatbot and let us know.
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    Thank you so much for that, am feeling the love.  I have a manageable plan for today which includes getting some fresh air.  I have bubbled up with another household in my village so will be able to have some company  Blessings to you and yours xxx
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    I had been relatively stable for about 3 years and was looking for work and planning a move up country.  So benefits agency took away my PIP 2 months ago.  My income has halved and I am struggling financially.  Can I reapply for my PIP after what has happened?  TIA x
  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 9,127 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi again 

    Regarding pip I would appeal the decision you had 2 months ago if you didnt appeal at the time rather than put in new claim 

    You can actually appeal up to 13 months after if you explain reading for not appealing within the month as stated 

    I would contact welfare rights for some expert advice 
  • coylygirlcoylygirl Member Posts: 238 Pioneering
    It's my daughter's 20th birthday tomorrow and I have had no contact with her for a year as she is in a dark place and she emailed me telling me I am not her mother and not to contact her - this was last March.  I am going to email her some Amazon vouchers and just say "always thinking of you".  I have a simple plan in place for tomorrow to distract me :)
Sign in or join us to comment.