Having a bad week

janer1967

Hi all 

I don't normally post about my problems but this week so far I'd testing my strength 

Toby struggling emotionally crying lots having issues with couple of friends , dealing with not being able to do sport or go in army.  Doesn't want to go out as everyone plays football and he can't.  He doesn't want to go to cadets anymore . His friends teasing him about me being disabled . Also starting to understand why his dad doesn't see or contact him apart from birthdays 

Do you think I should source sine counselling for him or is it just teenage hormones 

I talk to him and makes him feel better but I think I'm too close to be effective 

His friends he is having issues with are also coming and sitting in our garden outside his window I have asked them to go 
 The other night they came without me knowing while toby was at cadets and threw stuff through his window onto his bed 

Then to top it off my mum has been rushed into hospital today after gp came to see her and called ambulance 

Sorry for passing all this on but hoped by letting it out would help 

Old63

Why can't he go into the Army? Is it because he is looking after you? Some father he is. He is supposed to be there to guide the lad. Those are not his friends if they are teasing him about his mother's Health. Have you tried asking his Co of the cadets for help? A bit advice get a couple cameras put up. You don't won't un welcome guest's at any time. I hope your Mum is OK. You need to sit down and rest.

janer1967

@Old63 he can't ho in army as he has been told he can't do any sport or exercise without a knee brace due to dislocations his bones are not aligned 

Thanks for your suggestions I have thought of cameras 

I agree they are not his friends it all started since he had a girlfriend think they jealous 

Breaks my heart to see him like this 

janer1967

Thanks @Teddybear12 the gp thinks it's gall stones mum is 85 and getting quite frail 

Thanks for your support 🙏 appreciated 

It upsets me seeing what toby is going through and I feel hopeless at times with my disabilities preventing me helping him physically I can only support him emotionally 

vikingqueen

            I have just bought a small camera that links to my phone, It was about £40 and the price of a memory card. It has been brilliant as I was having trouble with children playing football. 

         I can't really suggest anything other than maybe talk to his GP, but the one consolation is he has a wonderful mum who cares deeply for him. 

66Mustang

I can't really help but just to say sorry to hear you are having problems

Maybe focus on his strengths and remind him of those would be a good way to build him back up?

I noticed when I was school age that often when someone got a girlfriend or boyfriend all their other friends of the opposite gender would stop talking to them and become passive aggressive, not heard it happen with friends of the same gender though

SueHeath

Oh @janer1967 it breaks you heart when your children go through this sort of thing, just thinking of my three lads when they hit this age they either went weepy or angry, poor Toby got it all going on - with his "so called" mates probably because he is choosing his girl friend over them, and he is unable to do his favorite things at the moment. 
What i would say, but it doesn't always work is never drop all your friends try and compremise, unless of course he is trying to pull away from them if they up to no good ???? All we can do as a parent is be there for them and give advise when they need it, hopfully things will settle soon, i found it a stressful and worrying time sorry to say xx

janer1967

I wouldn't mind but one of his so called friends I have supported as he stays here a lot eats here doesn't get on with his family then to find he has been making fun of me knowing toby is very protective of me and that it would wind him up 

He isn't welcome 

Toby does have other friends but I have spoke to him about not shutting them out . He doesn't want to meet up with them as he can't join in the football 

I'm sure he will be OK just had so much to go through this last 5 years and now he old enough to understand more it's all cimg to head 

Thanks @SueHeath nice to know it's something others go through 

His dad left us 6 years ago and 6 months later I became disabled a lot fir a 10 year old and knew it would come back to bite af some time 

bg844

Hoping he feels better soon, I definitely think he should seek help. No offence but being a teenager he might be putting on a shell even with him crying and sometimes it’s nice to rant and chat to another person. I think with the past 6 years everything might of been slowly building and now might be his time to ‘burst’ before he feels a sense of relief.

I wish you both the best.  

life

@janer1967 maybe he can do some football coaching and be involved that way. There's football coaching badges and level's. Best to start young. 

Sandy_123

Hi @janer1967 I'm glad you have posted, it's good to get support for you too. 
Some freinds they are, raise the issue with the school too. As the freinds will be doing same there I presume.
Might be worth speaking to the cadets to see if they can make him feel involved more. It's a shame you can't talk to their parents as well. 
Councilling might help. 

poppy123456

If it was me then i'd start by speaking to his school because they can hopefully help with some councelling. Sometimes, it takes outside help to give some extra support and it will be good for him to have someone else to speak to rather than you, his mum. Yes, we are always there for our children but a lot of the time they can't always open up to us about what's in their mind.

You can also speak to his GP as they will also be able to sign post you in the right dirrection. There is help out there for both of you.

janer1967

Thanks everyone for your suggestions I will consider the best way forward 

I think I will go through gp as I don't want these so called friends having more to taunt him about if they find out he is having counselling through school.

I can also imagine the waiting list time for anything on NHS 

Mum being kept in for tests etc all I know so far 

Sandy_123

Sorry Jane meant to add hope your mom is ok

SueHeath

Hi @janer1967 Hope Toby and your Mom are okay today oh and ofcourse you xx

janer1967

@SueHeath thanks for asking toby been OK yesterday and today . We have discussed counselling as an option but he feels he can open up to me rather than stranger so going to hold fire see how he is next few weeks 

Still waiting to hear any more updates about mum 

SueHeath

Bless him at least Toby willing to talk to you @janer1967 thats the best thing ever, there is going to be a few ups and downs for a couple of years now sorry to say Janer - sounds like still waiting on test results for poor mom then , we know they don't rush themselves. xx

Biblioklept

I'm sorry for what you're both going through @janer1967 I hope your mum gets answers and makes a speedy recovery soon. 
Have you or Toby ever considered signing him up for young carers group? I know it's really common for people not to want to for variety of reasons (it's new, not knowing anyone, feeling guilty saying you're a carer or like it undervalues etc). It isn't at all a reflection on the amazing relationship the two of you have. I've always heard amazing things about them and was involved when I was young. They organise day trips and activities and groups and enable him to bond with others that would understand how he's feeling and have probably been teased about their own family too. 

I love that he's so close to you and opens up, he sounds like a real gem that you've done an amazing job raising  

SueHeath

I'l second that @Biblioklept with Janer and Toby's relationship x

janer1967

I wouldn't say toby is my carer he does help me with few things but nothing that interferes with his own life just the odd chores and being my eyes . But thanks for the suggestion 

Thanks @SueHeath and @Biblioklept for your kind words it means a lot I try my best it is a challenge as a single mum however I'm sure that's why we have such a good relationship 

Biblioklept

I'm so sorry @janer1967 I didn't mean to insinuate that I thought Toby was your carer. Young Carer's isn't just for those with direct caring responsibilities, it's in recognition of the challenges young people face when living with a family member that's disabled. So like for me, my brother's disabilities really limited days out and places we could go, both because of accessibility and because finances were tight growing up because both my parents couldn't work as one was caring for him. I didn't care for my brother or have obvious caring duties etc. And the 'care' I did give him I never once saw as care because I loved him and it is just stuff you do for family and the people you love. I'd never have considered myself a carer and I know many of the others that attended felt guilty being called such. It's a bit of a stupid name for the group in some ways!!
I just thought he'd be able to hang out with other people his age that wouldn't be as cruel as his 'friends'  

Honestly though, the fact he even told you what's going on speaks wonders for your relationship and how strong your bond is You're an amazing mum