Dark place revisited. — Scope | Disability forum
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Dark place revisited.

Catman
Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
I'm caught in a trap right now. I sold my home last August in Bristol and moved to where my partner lives with her parents in Sheerness, Kent. My partner is presently on Probation for domestic violence against me, aided and abetted by her Alcoholism. I kept forgiving her despite the violence. She's sober now and the DV has stopped but despite that, I'm at an all time low with Depression and Fibromyalgia pain. Her family want me to find a place to rent near here but I'm incredibly homesick and uncertain if my partner and I can ever safely live together again as I'm in constant fear that she'll drink again. She's lost her children because of what she's done to me so I know she must be hurting like hell. I'm forty-seven and my health is worsening, I've even recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I'm battling a strong urge to head West again but I'll need a place that will accomadate my cat as well and I'm still in love with my partner. 

Right now, I'm totally and utterly exhausted, in crippling pain and really don't know what to do for the best. I'm thinking about getting away for a while as I desperately need time by myself but am not sure how to explain this to her and her family.

Any advice would be welcomed. Thank-you kindly for reading this .
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  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 1,741 Listener
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  • dee4848
    dee4848 Community member Posts: 256 Pioneering
    Hi @Catman I'm 48 I have numerouse joint problems I live in a 3 bedroom house run by incommunties the stairs are becoming a problem for me ., I have a fantastic doctor who has been seeing me for over 15 years incommunties are going to assess me for a bungalow with the Support of my doctor before the qualifing age , you could apply for housing through your circumstances, I found it better and safer living apart and staying friends hope you find the right answer Good luck.
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thank-you, both of you. I just wanna be alone with Casper my furbaby for a while so housing has to accomadate him as well. I no longer work either, due to all my illness. I'm way too old for a drama filled life and want it quiet, simple and loving. 
  • dee4848
    dee4848 Community member Posts: 256 Pioneering
    edited February 2018
    @Catman there will be loads of room for your Casper I'm sure where ever you are , try to keep smiling your only young yet  :)
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thanks Dee. X 
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 1,741 Listener
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Catman How are you ?  Reading your post.  The most important thing is you and your health.

    Surely that comes first.  No matter what.  You need to be safe and to think of you.  I am sorry  I am only saying that.   Being practical and sensible You love your partner.  Which more important her or you.

    I had a addiction history been clean for eleven years.  Living with an alcoholic is the hardest thing ever.  I should know.

    I have to be honest and say yes your partner is clean for now.  Unless treatment or programmes work to her benefit.  They do work only if she wants to sort her self out.  You got enough to cope with.

    I am only trying to put a cross the argument.  If she comes back in to your life and starts again drinking.  You might end up worse being ill and worse than that having regrets.

    Depression is an illness so I should say that you need time right now to get help and support.

    I had previous relationship found out my alcoholism.  Even though I lied, even though I was hurting her, mentally.

    I had to stop going forward with the relationship because one of us was hurting the other one.  I could not stop drinking and she her self started down the same path as me.  I left the relationship because I felt I was being dragged down .  Not only myself but she was doing it to me as well.

    That's is what happens when you are a partner of a alcoholic.  Social life ruined, friends family disappear.  You are left in the dark my friend.

    I have been there sorry to be harsh.

    I had to move away start again .  Went to rehab and clinic sorted myself out.  Thirty years an alcoholic.

    I know you love your partner, I loved all mine girlfriends and friends but I had to do this for me.

    That is important right now.

    Take care
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  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thank-you Victoria, Dee and Spiceman for your kind and supportive replies. My partner is trying really hard right now to amend her ways but I'm not sure now what I'm feeling. I'm badly scared mentally from her abuse and don't think I'll ever fully get over or forget it. I need some time out by myself for a while but not sure how it'll go down with her and her family. 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello  @Catman Please can I say thank you for reply.

    I thank you for sharing and being honest not only to all the community.  Most of important for your self.

    I know it is the hardest thing ever I have been there so many times to explain to the person who you love.  Sorry I need to sort myself out.  I need myself to be alone.

    I am ill from alcoholism and tell the truth it hurts me now saying it.  This is a disease.  Please can I say that is what the World Health Organisation calls it.

    Please tell you self you have done the right decision.  You will my friend one day meet some one who is just right for you.

    Remember I am here and wish to say please talk to me.  If you would like to read any of my posts on alcoholism.  If that helps please do.

    I have in my life met lovely ladies who I thought were the one.  Get married have children.  Then I have this disease in my head and body.  Had to be honest now.  No more lying.  Who am I hurting not only me but my lover.

    Time will heal you as I hope and pray you take care.

    You are in my thoughts

    Take care


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  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 1,741 Listener
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  • dee4848
    dee4848 Community member Posts: 256 Pioneering
    @thespiceman Hope your in a better place now 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @dee4848 Pleased to meet you  Thank you very much for caring and concern.

    I talk about my addiction on here a lot.  Especially the alcoholism.  I have been clean for eleven years this year. .  This I know is good for my health but you still have days of doubts, depression and anxiety.  Struggle and strive to keep off.

    I have the itch every day to drink but what helps is the love of people on the forum and community.

    Always have now related mental heath issues and other physical problems.

    I am here and alive talking to every one and you about any thing.  All my lovely friends on the forum I love you all.

    Found God eleven years ago that helps.  You have helped sending me a message of support.  Thank you

    Also what has helped is trying advise and hopefully inspire others to take small steps to a better life.  It is never ever easy.


    Take care Hope to speak to you again.

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  • dee4848
    dee4848 Community member Posts: 256 Pioneering
    @thespiceman I am so please you found God , God can do the impossible in everybodys' life i hope they seek him ...Iv always had faith in God .It's a pleasure to speak to you only if it's  through my phone .
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    THANK-YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart for your amazingly kind and thoughtful replies!!
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Not sure what happened there, I tried posting a lengthy reply and only a part of it was posted. My phone must be playing up again. 
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Spiceman, I'd love to keep in touch with you if that's okay. My journey through Alcoholism took me to hell and back. 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Catman Thank you for reply and kind words.  Love to keep in touch.  Either on my wall or here.  Glad to meet you.  One of the points that I have found coming on this forum.  We regard ourselves as gentlemen and we need to talk.  It is been extremely helpful for me to off load.

    That is one of the issues is talking .  About how us gentlemen are doing.  Regarding our health and hopefully help, comfort and ease worries.. Yet we as gentlemen some times do think just because were men or gentlemen we have problems or issues do not wish to discuss them.  I hope that if you wish to talk to me.  I am here to listen.

    I will look out for you..  If you send me a reply.  Don't worry I will be on soon as possible.  I am here on this forum most days.

    Start the day replying to every one who has sent lovely comments and words of support

    Anything you wish.  Please do not worry we as a community are friendly, supportive.

    You take care

    Pleasure to meet you

    Your friend

    Ps I write some times long posts.  Hopefully you will see many of them on the forum.
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @dee4848 Thank you for reply.  I thank you kind words.  Pleasure to meet you.

    I use the bible useful.  There are a few of us on the forum who find religion a great help and support in our lives.

    I have been to various Churches but it in my opinion their rules their Church.  So I practise The Church Of The Spiceman.  My rules, my faith, my prayers.

    I am the only member.  You do not need a Church to have a faith.

    I have my prayers getting ever longer for those in my thoughts.  You know who you all are.

    Do you go to Church or do you practise your faith like myself.

    I hope what ever you do have a pleasant evening.

    Speak to you again

    Take care
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  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thanks Spiceman. I'm also very much a believer and read a book whilst serving a short prison sentence back in 2005, it was by Nick Charles MBE, Through a Glass Brightly and at the back of that was a piece of scripture, Rev 21:4, All things Anew, that still holds much meaning to me to this day. It wad whilst I was inside that I read a book by Nicky Cruz, Run Baby Run. Nicky's conversation to Christianity is an inspiring story to say the very least. 

    You're welcome to call me Phil, I'm 47, living in Sheerness in Kent and feeling home sick. I moved here in September last year and miss the West Country badly. 

    I still have my Big Blue (AA) book and Daily Reflections by-the-way. I will however be honest with you, though I don't drink, I smoke a joint on an evening to ease the pain from my Fibromyalgia. All those involved in my treatment are okay with it as I strictly use it medicinally, though I do feel a sense of guilt. None of my meds seem to be of much help so I have little alternative. 

    I've got a host of ailments, Type 2 Diabetes being my latest, I was diagnosed with that in January. I also suffer from Depression, PTSD, Sleep Apnoea and gastro-intestinal problems amongst other things and can no longer work. I was also diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome by a Psychiatrist back in 2009. I've a lot of time on my hands now and have a lot to share .


  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Catman Thank you for reply.  Thank you sharing your story  I like your user name.  I think it is great and sounds like a friend of mine who thinks of Super Hero names.

    I could call you your name but I do not know what the rules are I suppose no harm why not.  

    I hope you do not mind I stick with my user name if you do not mind.  I am known by some on the forum as The Mystery Man.

    They call me The Spiceman because I use herbs and spices for health benefits.

    I will be honest here I have also taken drugs as well. although my main addiction is alcohol.

    I was a what they call in the States a Club Kid had a fine time.  Doing the clubs.  Into Motown and The Northern Soul Scene in the eighties.

    Took Speed to get by.  Then alcohol blighted my life.  My story is well simple.  Have a disability of fingers and toes.  Have found out genetic disorder.  My Mother had a file kept stuff from me, taken a lot to get answers.

    My family tormented me especially my mother .  Those days of the 60's and 70's no one talked about violence in the home, my Mother was the cause.

    Alcohol played a part always there.  Served at meals.  Being with a disruptive, abusive Mother.  Turned to alcohol need it.  By early twenties had probably severe alcohol consumption and addicted to speed.

    Have a condition when I used to drink called alcoholic amnesia.  Which means I used to drink to oblivion.  Can not remember how and where I have been.

    Taken me thirty years to get off.  Relapsed several times.  I had to go to rehab about eleven years ago.  Problem was when you withdraw pain is really bad.  No drugs can help so turned on advice to cannabis.  Never smoked it used it for tea.

    Comes in teabags then that took 18 months.

    Now I am 53 have symptoms of mental health issues anxiety and depression.  Physical symptoms muscles wastage skinny arms.  One time legs wasted now built up, slightly.

    Effected eyesight have deafness all genetic but alcohol played a part.  Still finding out stuff.  Have a friend up the road who works in the local alcohol and drug clinic.

    Have called on him many times.  I am honest about myself.  Felt like a drink every day so he is there if I have issues.  Cravings never go away.

    Last year had dreaded assessments.  I get assessed and reassessed every 18 months.  So say I am fit some say unfit.  Then I have to sign on.  Benefits get messed up.  I get severe anxiety depression about it all.  On meds to cope.

    Last year had the first time a near relapse got support mental health charity.

    That is another issue mental health can get what I can.  Charities and budgets, over burden system.  Means for long lengths get no support.

    Except here of course.

    Please can I say I went to AA several meetings had a sponsor but had problems.  Mainly with people who turned out had never travelled my road.  In the sense there are many people who turn up at AA meetings who have never been to a clinic or rehab.  Had a few too much at a party and they think they have got drink issues. 

    I could not believe this but this is true.  I tried other places and other associations but it is not for me.  Ironically at one of those meetings.  Met a lad the same recently as I was.  He found it differcult to understand.  Had similar experiences.

    I am not critical of AA if it works for some fine.  I went through clinics and rehab.

    So that is me.  I have found by talking helps.  Used to go to support groups after care sort of groups.

    Problem is as my friend says who works in the clinics says.  There is help for you to stop drinking .  Nothing for those like yourself who just need care and support.  Have been clean a while.  Lack of resources, funding.

    That is basically who I am . .  By the way please come on and talk about what is troubling you.  Talk about your health  What do like to do?  What are your hobbies and interests.

    Anything am here.

    Take care

    Look forward to being a friend
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