If this is your first visit, check out the community guide. You will have to Join us or Sign in before you can post.
Receiving too many notifications? Adjust your notification settings.
Dark place revisited.
Catman
Member Posts: 64 Courageous
I'm caught in a trap right now. I sold my home last August in Bristol and moved to where my partner lives with her parents in Sheerness, Kent. My partner is presently on Probation for domestic violence against me, aided and abetted by her Alcoholism. I kept forgiving her despite the violence. She's sober now and the DV has stopped but despite that, I'm at an all time low with Depression and Fibromyalgia pain. Her family want me to find a place to rent near here but I'm incredibly homesick and uncertain if my partner and I can ever safely live together again as I'm in constant fear that she'll drink again. She's lost her children because of what she's done to me so I know she must be hurting like hell. I'm forty-seven and my health is worsening, I've even recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I'm battling a strong urge to head West again but I'll need a place that will accomadate my cat as well and I'm still in love with my partner.
Right now, I'm totally and utterly exhausted, in crippling pain and really don't know what to do for the best. I'm thinking about getting away for a while as I desperately need time by myself but am not sure how to explain this to her and her family.
Any advice would be welcomed. Thank-you kindly for reading this .
Right now, I'm totally and utterly exhausted, in crippling pain and really don't know what to do for the best. I'm thinking about getting away for a while as I desperately need time by myself but am not sure how to explain this to her and her family.
Any advice would be welcomed. Thank-you kindly for reading this .
Replies
Surely that comes first. No matter what. You need to be safe and to think of you. I am sorry I am only saying that. Being practical and sensible You love your partner. Which more important her or you.
I had a addiction history been clean for eleven years. Living with an alcoholic is the hardest thing ever. I should know.
I have to be honest and say yes your partner is clean for now. Unless treatment or programmes work to her benefit. They do work only if she wants to sort her self out. You got enough to cope with.
I am only trying to put a cross the argument. If she comes back in to your life and starts again drinking. You might end up worse being ill and worse than that having regrets.
Depression is an illness so I should say that you need time right now to get help and support.
I had previous relationship found out my alcoholism. Even though I lied, even though I was hurting her, mentally.
I had to stop going forward with the relationship because one of us was hurting the other one. I could not stop drinking and she her self started down the same path as me. I left the relationship because I felt I was being dragged down . Not only myself but she was doing it to me as well.
That's is what happens when you are a partner of a alcoholic. Social life ruined, friends family disappear. You are left in the dark my friend.
I have been there sorry to be harsh.
I had to move away start again . Went to rehab and clinic sorted myself out. Thirty years an alcoholic.
I know you love your partner, I loved all mine girlfriends and friends but I had to do this for me.
That is important right now.
Take care
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
I thank you for sharing and being honest not only to all the community. Most of important for your self.
I know it is the hardest thing ever I have been there so many times to explain to the person who you love. Sorry I need to sort myself out. I need myself to be alone.
I am ill from alcoholism and tell the truth it hurts me now saying it. This is a disease. Please can I say that is what the World Health Organisation calls it.
Please tell you self you have done the right decision. You will my friend one day meet some one who is just right for you.
Remember I am here and wish to say please talk to me. If you would like to read any of my posts on alcoholism. If that helps please do.
I have in my life met lovely ladies who I thought were the one. Get married have children. Then I have this disease in my head and body. Had to be honest now. No more lying. Who am I hurting not only me but my lover.
Time will heal you as I hope and pray you take care.
You are in my thoughts
Take care
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
I talk about my addiction on here a lot. Especially the alcoholism. I have been clean for eleven years this year. . This I know is good for my health but you still have days of doubts, depression and anxiety. Struggle and strive to keep off.
I have the itch every day to drink but what helps is the love of people on the forum and community.
Always have now related mental heath issues and other physical problems.
I am here and alive talking to every one and you about any thing. All my lovely friends on the forum I love you all.
Found God eleven years ago that helps. You have helped sending me a message of support. Thank you
Also what has helped is trying advise and hopefully inspire others to take small steps to a better life. It is never ever easy.
Take care Hope to speak to you again.
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
That is one of the issues is talking . About how us gentlemen are doing. Regarding our health and hopefully help, comfort and ease worries.. Yet we as gentlemen some times do think just because were men or gentlemen we have problems or issues do not wish to discuss them. I hope that if you wish to talk to me. I am here to listen.
I will look out for you.. If you send me a reply. Don't worry I will be on soon as possible. I am here on this forum most days.
Start the day replying to every one who has sent lovely comments and words of support
Anything you wish. Please do not worry we as a community are friendly, supportive.
You take care
Pleasure to meet you
Your friend
Ps I write some times long posts. Hopefully you will see many of them on the forum.
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
I use the bible useful. There are a few of us on the forum who find religion a great help and support in our lives.
I have been to various Churches but it in my opinion their rules their Church. So I practise The Church Of The Spiceman. My rules, my faith, my prayers.
I am the only member. You do not need a Church to have a faith.
I have my prayers getting ever longer for those in my thoughts. You know who you all are.
Do you go to Church or do you practise your faith like myself.
I hope what ever you do have a pleasant evening.
Speak to you again
Take care
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
You're welcome to call me Phil, I'm 47, living in Sheerness in Kent and feeling home sick. I moved here in September last year and miss the West Country badly.
I still have my Big Blue (AA) book and Daily Reflections by-the-way. I will however be honest with you, though I don't drink, I smoke a joint on an evening to ease the pain from my Fibromyalgia. All those involved in my treatment are okay with it as I strictly use it medicinally, though I do feel a sense of guilt. None of my meds seem to be of much help so I have little alternative.
I've got a host of ailments, Type 2 Diabetes being my latest, I was diagnosed with that in January. I also suffer from Depression, PTSD, Sleep Apnoea and gastro-intestinal problems amongst other things and can no longer work. I was also diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome by a Psychiatrist back in 2009. I've a lot of time on my hands now and have a lot to share .
I could call you your name but I do not know what the rules are I suppose no harm why not.
I hope you do not mind I stick with my user name if you do not mind. I am known by some on the forum as The Mystery Man.
They call me The Spiceman because I use herbs and spices for health benefits.
I will be honest here I have also taken drugs as well. although my main addiction is alcohol.
I was a what they call in the States a Club Kid had a fine time. Doing the clubs. Into Motown and The Northern Soul Scene in the eighties.
Took Speed to get by. Then alcohol blighted my life. My story is well simple. Have a disability of fingers and toes. Have found out genetic disorder. My Mother had a file kept stuff from me, taken a lot to get answers.
My family tormented me especially my mother . Those days of the 60's and 70's no one talked about violence in the home, my Mother was the cause.
Alcohol played a part always there. Served at meals. Being with a disruptive, abusive Mother. Turned to alcohol need it. By early twenties had probably severe alcohol consumption and addicted to speed.
Have a condition when I used to drink called alcoholic amnesia. Which means I used to drink to oblivion. Can not remember how and where I have been.
Taken me thirty years to get off. Relapsed several times. I had to go to rehab about eleven years ago. Problem was when you withdraw pain is really bad. No drugs can help so turned on advice to cannabis. Never smoked it used it for tea.
Comes in teabags then that took 18 months.
Now I am 53 have symptoms of mental health issues anxiety and depression. Physical symptoms muscles wastage skinny arms. One time legs wasted now built up, slightly.
Effected eyesight have deafness all genetic but alcohol played a part. Still finding out stuff. Have a friend up the road who works in the local alcohol and drug clinic.
Have called on him many times. I am honest about myself. Felt like a drink every day so he is there if I have issues. Cravings never go away.
Last year had dreaded assessments. I get assessed and reassessed every 18 months. So say I am fit some say unfit. Then I have to sign on. Benefits get messed up. I get severe anxiety depression about it all. On meds to cope.
Last year had the first time a near relapse got support mental health charity.
That is another issue mental health can get what I can. Charities and budgets, over burden system. Means for long lengths get no support.
Except here of course.
Please can I say I went to AA several meetings had a sponsor but had problems. Mainly with people who turned out had never travelled my road. In the sense there are many people who turn up at AA meetings who have never been to a clinic or rehab. Had a few too much at a party and they think they have got drink issues.
I could not believe this but this is true. I tried other places and other associations but it is not for me. Ironically at one of those meetings. Met a lad the same recently as I was. He found it differcult to understand. Had similar experiences.
I am not critical of AA if it works for some fine. I went through clinics and rehab.
So that is me. I have found by talking helps. Used to go to support groups after care sort of groups.
Problem is as my friend says who works in the clinics says. There is help for you to stop drinking . Nothing for those like yourself who just need care and support. Have been clean a while. Lack of resources, funding.
That is basically who I am . . By the way please come on and talk about what is troubling you. Talk about your health What do like to do? What are your hobbies and interests.
Anything am here.
Take care
Look forward to being a friend
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
I'm living with Rach my partner and her parents, Casper is here too, he's three and a half and I've had him since he was two months old. Rach lost her kids last year, they were taken into care due to her continued domestic violence against me. I owned a small flat at the time and the four of us were squeezed into that. One of the things we had to do, in order to get them back was to secure a bigger property. I'd lost my job by then so I had no option but to sell my flat.
The assaults against me continued however as she was still drinking. My heart ruled my head and I kept forgiving her, even though her assaults at times were truly awful, she'd use her teeth and other things to hurt me. She ended up in Prison for a couple of weeks, held on remand but released on Probation and to her Mum's address a long way from where we were living. The sale of my home went through and I moved in with Rach's family in September. It really aint easy here, we live in the lounge and have constant interuptions.
There's a lot more to my story, believe me. I don't really do an awful lot as my health isn't so good at present. I do however like to read, when I can focus and listen to music .
I know I sent a long post but the hardest part, I still can not write with a lot of guilt and regret. Which is the effect of my illness.
No one talks about domestic violence in relationship if it is the woman doing the hurting. We are men and it is upsetting to deal with it. To be truthful and honest first time I talked about to a Doctor about my situation in my own relationships. I was never believed.
Only well even now I never really talked about it. I talk about the violence my Mother did just last few years. Had to getting to me. Never thought the women who you are having a relationship is hitting, fighting you. Physical punches.
I was at the time still very much involved drinking so they were. Unfortunately no matter what. One of us had to relent and one of us had to go.
I had to find away out. I had to move away. Try to sort myself out.
Please can I ask what is the situation with you own family,? if you do mind asking.
If you have problems with them then I understand
Please can I ask do you need her family?
Please do you think you are safe?
I ask all these questions because these are important.
Take some time out. Write down what you wish for and want to do.
Make a plan with what you wish to do.
I am always doing this myself it helps.
One final point think of this you need to become aware of what would happen if she came back into you life.
Do you want that?
You need to make some sensible decisions.
No one wants to see anybody hurt.
On a lighter note that is good you have animals cats to help you through the day. I can feel the stress. They have a calming effect.
I am fully aware of your mental health and health issues. Thank you for telling me. Are you getting help and support with any of it.?
That is an essential requirement to take care of yourself.
One final point please may I say thank you for your courage and bravery in admitting to the community about alcoholism the effects it is having on your relationship. That is not easy.
Always in my thoughts and prayers
Your friend
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
I noticed you have not replied to me Email. So I thought I would just add some comments if you do not mind.
How are you?
You were in my thoughts I am like that. I do care about people on this forum. Just thinking of my own situation. You remind me of what happened to myself.
Please can I say seen the photo. I do think you have received lots of support from the two ladies.
We as a community are not interfering just caring and compassionate.
I do feel for you please can I say I left everything behind, personal stuff, clothes and just moved out of the environment I was living.
I am still on tenterhooks even now. So long ago. I hope you please have the courage to do this.
You have the right to leave go to another area find your feet. Just worried if you stay love is not the answer.
Spent too many days thinking I have done the right thing leaving. The answer is yes. I can do what I want.
I left a lot of stuff behind, that can be replaced. What can not be replaced is your life if something happens to you.
Hope you do understand what we all are saying to you.
I do know you seem desperate to seek change only you can do this we can not only give our time.
Take care
Your Friend
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
My IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) has referred me to Counselling and no longer sees me as my partner's behaviour has sufficiently improved.
Today I'm really proper pooped. Thank-you all for your support and kind words.
Great as long you know we are all here, just to say. I know your heads all over the place. So would mine. I had to say something this afternoon that is all.
Please remember you are the one change your life. If the help is not forth coming. Ask SCOPE advisors on the phone to help. What you need to what to do next. . Thank you for your honesty and sharing.
You are in control. you are the one to find the help and support. You can do this.
Please can I add I have been in your shoes. Had to do this and yes it was painful . When I read your story it reminds me of what I have been through.
I just did it. Made a plan got my head together and yes there will be set backs, knock backs on the journey you will be taking
Every one goes on a journey carrying their suit cases of woes, problems and history.
The path is never smooth if you put obstacles in the way. You can stay or go around them.
Always here to listen.
.
Take care
Your friend
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
My Escitalopram has recently been upped and I wonder if that's making my depression worse. When I take a dip with my depression I become a lot quieter and withdrawn, which is what's happening to me now. Rach is a little worried as I'm less physically affectionate but I've let her in a little about my depression which I mask fairly well.
From what you have wrote I'm not surprised your depression is bad. Rest my friend take things easy try to eat as food important to being strong mentally as well as physically. Chat anytime you need us take care
Thank-you so much for your concern and support. Life has to get better.
Thank you for reply. I am sorry you're in pain. I see you are on meds for depression. This might be an idea just a suggestion. Make a visit to surgery. Being concerned. I have a good doctor I hope you do.
If you're in pain what are you taking.
I wake up every day back pain result of my addiction. Get pain in legs and feet.
Just take over counter meds. If worse know Doctors there for help. Also pain advisor here might help.
Please can I say hope you OK. I know I sent a lot to you. Just a guy who cares.
Take care
Your friend
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
The pain is so bad on a nighttime that I sleep with a pillow between my legs to avoid my knees and ankles hurting even more.
I feel for you buddy as you seem to be going through similiar. Thanks again for your support.
Phil.
We guys are we not yes we are in pain. Spending days in pain well I can take that, do not wish to make an issue out of it. Sorry mate this is what I say to my self.
In the end had to go down just did not want this. I am crowding the surgery. I have just have to get on with it. I say this all the time.
I have to go though. Helped me in the end. Guess the Doctor I have you know said to me. Come down if I can help, I can help.
I feel for you as well you know. My friend. Admitting to all of us what is happening. Telling the community. Need to share. Admire you for doing that.
Total respect. First time I ever talked to this community lot of response and now many of them are like yourself.
Proud to call a mate.
I see that you have lots in place to cope with pain.. Although it would not do any harm . What do you think? Follow up anything that benefit you a bit extra.
No one wishes to make a fuss. Just worth a look at what else is there.
At the end of the day all of us in the community are here to listen. Hope if and when needed a lot of advice, information. Soothe and ease the worries and pain.
I want you to know I get up most nights in either back pain or leg pain. So I use meds but still it is hard to sleep. Try to relax have wind down music and all that. That is me though.
Hope to speak to soon
Take care
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes
Right at this very minute, the pain is so bad that it's making me nauseous and as for the fatigue, that's another matter, I'm exhausted.
Thanks for keeping in touch my good friend. Keep strong.
Please can I say sounds like could be hunger as well I get really tired with meds and pain. I am not your Mother are you eating OK? Just a thought my friend.
Have a fruit bowl handy for snack attack. Lot's of energy there. Got simple ideas if wish to know. All about right balance. Are you OK with nuts? Peanut Butter sandwich. Whole meal bread, use with honey, crackers with fruit cheese just a snack my friend.
Sometimes we guys do not eat. We have to though. I buy like to night Cooked Chicken easy sandwich or salad. Buy a lot of the stuff made, coleslaw and potato salad. That helps B vitamins just ideas my friend.
Do not wish to make a fuss.
I hope you get sorted please come back to chat. Stay safe Just remember do not be afraid to ask any of us anything.
No matter how trivial.
Some times us guys just need to say how we are
Your friend
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes