Dark place revisited.

Catman

I'm caught in a trap right now. I sold my home last August in Bristol and moved to where my partner lives with her parents in Sheerness, Kent. My partner is presently on Probation for domestic violence against me, aided and abetted by her Alcoholism. I kept forgiving her despite the violence. She's sober now and the DV has stopped but despite that, I'm at an all time low with Depression and Fibromyalgia pain. Her family want me to find a place to rent near here but I'm incredibly homesick and uncertain if my partner and I can ever safely live together again as I'm in constant fear that she'll drink again. She's lost her children because of what she's done to me so I know she must be hurting like hell. I'm forty-seven and my health is worsening, I've even recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I'm battling a strong urge to head West again but I'll need a place that will accomadate my cat as well and I'm still in love with my partner. 

Right now, I'm totally and utterly exhausted, in crippling pain and really don't know what to do for the best. I'm thinking about getting away for a while as I desperately need time by myself but am not sure how to explain this to her and her family.

Any advice would be welcomed. Thank-you kindly for reading this .

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dee4848

Hi @Catman I'm 48 I have numerouse joint problems I live in a 3 bedroom house run by incommunties the stairs are becoming a problem for me ., I have a fantastic doctor who has been seeing me for over 15 years incommunties are going to assess me for a bungalow with the Support of my doctor before the qualifing age , you could apply for housing through your circumstances, I found it better and safer living apart and staying friends hope you find the right answer Good luck.

Catman

Thank-you, both of you. I just wanna be alone with Casper my furbaby for a while so housing has to accomadate him as well. I no longer work either, due to all my illness. I'm way too old for a drama filled life and want it quiet, simple and loving. 

dee4848

@Catman there will be loads of room for your Casper I'm sure where ever you are , try to keep smiling your only young yet 

Catman

Thanks Dee. X 

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thespiceman

Hello @Catman How are you ?  Reading your post.  The most important thing is you and your health.

Surely that comes first.  No matter what.  You need to be safe and to think of you.  I am sorry  I am only saying that.   Being practical and sensible You love your partner.  Which more important her or you.

I had a addiction history been clean for eleven years.  Living with an alcoholic is the hardest thing ever.  I should know.

I have to be honest and say yes your partner is clean for now.  Unless treatment or programmes work to her benefit.  They do work only if she wants to sort her self out.  You got enough to cope with.

I am only trying to put a cross the argument.  If she comes back in to your life and starts again drinking.  You might end up worse being ill and worse than that having regrets.

Depression is an illness so I should say that you need time right now to get help and support.

I had previous relationship found out my alcoholism.  Even though I lied, even though I was hurting her, mentally.

I had to stop going forward with the relationship because one of us was hurting the other one.  I could not stop drinking and she her self started down the same path as me.  I left the relationship because I felt I was being dragged down .  Not only myself but she was doing it to me as well.

That's is what happens when you are a partner of a alcoholic.  Social life ruined, friends family disappear.  You are left in the dark my friend.

I have been there sorry to be harsh.

I had to move away start again .  Went to rehab and clinic sorted myself out.  Thirty years an alcoholic.

I know you love your partner, I loved all mine girlfriends and friends but I had to do this for me.

That is important right now.

Take care

Catman

Thank-you Victoria, Dee and Spiceman for your kind and supportive replies. My partner is trying really hard right now to amend her ways but I'm not sure now what I'm feeling. I'm badly scared mentally from her abuse and don't think I'll ever fully get over or forget it. I need some time out by myself for a while but not sure how it'll go down with her and her family. 

thespiceman

Hello  @Catman Please can I say thank you for reply.

I thank you for sharing and being honest not only to all the community.  Most of important for your self.

I know it is the hardest thing ever I have been there so many times to explain to the person who you love.  Sorry I need to sort myself out.  I need myself to be alone.

I am ill from alcoholism and tell the truth it hurts me now saying it.  This is a disease.  Please can I say that is what the World Health Organisation calls it.

Please tell you self you have done the right decision.  You will my friend one day meet some one who is just right for you.

Remember I am here and wish to say please talk to me.  If you would like to read any of my posts on alcoholism.  If that helps please do.

I have in my life met lovely ladies who I thought were the one.  Get married have children.  Then I have this disease in my head and body.  Had to be honest now.  No more lying.  Who am I hurting not only me but my lover.

Time will heal you as I hope and pray you take care.

You are in my thoughts

Take care

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dee4848

@thespiceman Hope your in a better place now 

thespiceman

Hello @dee4848 Pleased to meet you  Thank you very much for caring and concern.

I talk about my addiction on here a lot.  Especially the alcoholism.  I have been clean for eleven years this year. .  This I know is good for my health but you still have days of doubts, depression and anxiety.  Struggle and strive to keep off.

I have the itch every day to drink but what helps is the love of people on the forum and community.

Always have now related mental heath issues and other physical problems.

I am here and alive talking to every one and you about any thing.  All my lovely friends on the forum I love you all.

Found God eleven years ago that helps.  You have helped sending me a message of support.  Thank you

Also what has helped is trying advise and hopefully inspire others to take small steps to a better life.  It is never ever easy.


Take care Hope to speak to you again.

dee4848

@thespiceman I am so please you found God , God can do the impossible in everybodys' life i hope they seek him ...Iv always had faith in God .It's a pleasure to speak to you only if it's  through my phone .

Catman

THANK-YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart for your amazingly kind and thoughtful replies!!

Catman

Not sure what happened there, I tried posting a lengthy reply and only a part of it was posted. My phone must be playing up again. 

Catman

Spiceman, I'd love to keep in touch with you if that's okay. My journey through Alcoholism took me to hell and back. 

thespiceman

Hello @Catman Thank you for reply and kind words.  Love to keep in touch.  Either on my wall or here.  Glad to meet you.  One of the points that I have found coming on this forum.  We regard ourselves as gentlemen and we need to talk.  It is been extremely helpful for me to off load.

That is one of the issues is talking .  About how us gentlemen are doing.  Regarding our health and hopefully help, comfort and ease worries.. Yet we as gentlemen some times do think just because were men or gentlemen we have problems or issues do not wish to discuss them.  I hope that if you wish to talk to me.  I am here to listen.

I will look out for you..  If you send me a reply.  Don't worry I will be on soon as possible.  I am here on this forum most days.

Start the day replying to every one who has sent lovely comments and words of support

Anything you wish.  Please do not worry we as a community are friendly, supportive.

You take care

Pleasure to meet you

Your friend

Ps I write some times long posts.  Hopefully you will see many of them on the forum.

thespiceman

Hello @dee4848 Thank you for reply.  I thank you kind words.  Pleasure to meet you.

I use the bible useful.  There are a few of us on the forum who find religion a great help and support in our lives.

I have been to various Churches but it in my opinion their rules their Church.  So I practise The Church Of The Spiceman.  My rules, my faith, my prayers.

I am the only member.  You do not need a Church to have a faith.

I have my prayers getting ever longer for those in my thoughts.  You know who you all are.

Do you go to Church or do you practise your faith like myself.

I hope what ever you do have a pleasant evening.

Speak to you again

Take care

Catman

Thanks Spiceman. I'm also very much a believer and read a book whilst serving a short prison sentence back in 2005, it was by Nick Charles MBE, Through a Glass Brightly and at the back of that was a piece of scripture, Rev 21:4, All things Anew, that still holds much meaning to me to this day. It wad whilst I was inside that I read a book by Nicky Cruz, Run Baby Run. Nicky's conversation to Christianity is an inspiring story to say the very least. 

You're welcome to call me Phil, I'm 47, living in Sheerness in Kent and feeling home sick. I moved here in September last year and miss the West Country badly. 

I still have my Big Blue (AA) book and Daily Reflections by-the-way. I will however be honest with you, though I don't drink, I smoke a joint on an evening to ease the pain from my Fibromyalgia. All those involved in my treatment are okay with it as I strictly use it medicinally, though I do feel a sense of guilt. None of my meds seem to be of much help so I have little alternative. 

I've got a host of ailments, Type 2 Diabetes being my latest, I was diagnosed with that in January. I also suffer from Depression, PTSD, Sleep Apnoea and gastro-intestinal problems amongst other things and can no longer work. I was also diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome by a Psychiatrist back in 2009. I've a lot of time on my hands now and have a lot to share .

thespiceman

Hello @Catman Thank you for reply.  Thank you sharing your story  I like your user name.  I think it is great and sounds like a friend of mine who thinks of Super Hero names.

I could call you your name but I do not know what the rules are I suppose no harm why not.  

I hope you do not mind I stick with my user name if you do not mind.  I am known by some on the forum as The Mystery Man.

They call me The Spiceman because I use herbs and spices for health benefits.

I will be honest here I have also taken drugs as well. although my main addiction is alcohol.

I was a what they call in the States a Club Kid had a fine time.  Doing the clubs.  Into Motown and The Northern Soul Scene in the eighties.

Took Speed to get by.  Then alcohol blighted my life.  My story is well simple.  Have a disability of fingers and toes.  Have found out genetic disorder.  My Mother had a file kept stuff from me, taken a lot to get answers.

My family tormented me especially my mother .  Those days of the 60's and 70's no one talked about violence in the home, my Mother was the cause.

Alcohol played a part always there.  Served at meals.  Being with a disruptive, abusive Mother.  Turned to alcohol need it.  By early twenties had probably severe alcohol consumption and addicted to speed.

Have a condition when I used to drink called alcoholic amnesia.  Which means I used to drink to oblivion.  Can not remember how and where I have been.

Taken me thirty years to get off.  Relapsed several times.  I had to go to rehab about eleven years ago.  Problem was when you withdraw pain is really bad.  No drugs can help so turned on advice to cannabis.  Never smoked it used it for tea.

Comes in teabags then that took 18 months.

Now I am 53 have symptoms of mental health issues anxiety and depression.  Physical symptoms muscles wastage skinny arms.  One time legs wasted now built up, slightly.

Effected eyesight have deafness all genetic but alcohol played a part.  Still finding out stuff.  Have a friend up the road who works in the local alcohol and drug clinic.

Have called on him many times.  I am honest about myself.  Felt like a drink every day so he is there if I have issues.  Cravings never go away.

Last year had dreaded assessments.  I get assessed and reassessed every 18 months.  So say I am fit some say unfit.  Then I have to sign on.  Benefits get messed up.  I get severe anxiety depression about it all.  On meds to cope.

Last year had the first time a near relapse got support mental health charity.

That is another issue mental health can get what I can.  Charities and budgets, over burden system.  Means for long lengths get no support.

Except here of course.

Please can I say I went to AA several meetings had a sponsor but had problems.  Mainly with people who turned out had never travelled my road.  In the sense there are many people who turn up at AA meetings who have never been to a clinic or rehab.  Had a few too much at a party and they think they have got drink issues. 

I could not believe this but this is true.  I tried other places and other associations but it is not for me.  Ironically at one of those meetings.  Met a lad the same recently as I was.  He found it differcult to understand.  Had similar experiences.

I am not critical of AA if it works for some fine.  I went through clinics and rehab.

So that is me.  I have found by talking helps.  Used to go to support groups after care sort of groups.

Problem is as my friend says who works in the clinics says.  There is help for you to stop drinking .  Nothing for those like yourself who just need care and support.  Have been clean a while.  Lack of resources, funding.

That is basically who I am . .  By the way please come on and talk about what is troubling you.  Talk about your health  What do like to do?  What are your hobbies and interests.

Anything am here.

Take care

Look forward to being a friend

Catman

Thanks Spiceman for another interesting reply. It sounds like we've both had a kinda tough life and that's what brings me to tell you about my greatest love in life, animals, especially Cats, hence my nickname, I totally and utterly adore them. Animals are such great therapy for me and have always offered me comfort when people wouldn't or couldn't. 

I'm living with Rach my partner and her parents, Casper is here too, he's three and a half and I've had him since he was two months old. Rach lost her kids last year, they were taken into care due to her continued domestic violence against me. I owned a small flat at the time and the four of us were squeezed into that. One of the things we had to do, in order to get them back was to secure a bigger property. I'd lost my job by then so I had no option but to sell my flat. 

The assaults against me continued however as she was still drinking. My heart ruled my head and I kept forgiving her, even though her assaults at times were truly awful, she'd use her teeth and other things to hurt me. She ended up in Prison for a couple of weeks, held on remand but released on Probation and to her Mum's address a long way from where we were living. The sale of my home went through and I moved in with Rach's family in September. It really aint easy here, we live in the lounge and have constant interuptions.

There's a lot more to my story, believe me. I don't really do an awful lot as my health isn't so good at present. I do however like to read, when I can focus and listen to music .

janejr

Hi Catman my heart feels your pain. I had 21years of DV before I had courage to end it. Funny thing is I loved him and the breakup sent me on a very dark road for nearly 2years. Now I still have issues in relationships but at least I don't live with fear. My ex still drinks and beats his now girlfriend. He even punched one woman that hard she fell through a glass patio window and her eye came out of her socket. Your girl has an illness because that's how I see alcoholics but then it's not your fault and you have to take care of yourself. I'm glad your here on scope , there are many kind and understanding people here and we all will be happy to listen and help. Take care Catman 

Catman

Thanks Jane for sharing a very difficult experience. Our relationship is like a constant rollercoaster to be honest. Right now she's being mostly very loving but I still see signs at times of her anger and it worries me. The money from the sale of my home is being eroded away and I'm fearful for my future. If anything happens once the money has gone, I have no idea what I'll do. I'm almost waiting for something to happen so Casper my furbaby and I can take flight. I'm really not sure what the heck to do, I'm exhausted. 

thespiceman

Hello @Catman   Thank you for reply.  Sorry I did not get back to you .

I know I sent a long post but the hardest part, I still can not write with  a lot of guilt and regret. Which is the effect of my illness.

No one talks about domestic violence in relationship if it is the woman doing the hurting.  We are men and it is upsetting to deal with it.  To be truthful and honest first time I talked about to a Doctor about my situation in my own relationships.  I was never believed. 

Only well even now I never really talked about it.  I talk about the violence my Mother did just last few years.  Had to getting to me.  Never thought the women who you are having a relationship is hitting, fighting you.  Physical punches.

I was at the time still very much involved drinking so they were.  Unfortunately no matter what.  One of us had to relent and one of us had to go.

I had to find away out.  I had to move away.  Try to sort myself out.

Please can I ask what is the situation with you own family,? if you do mind asking.
If you have problems with them then I understand

Please can I ask do you need her family?  

Please do you think you are safe?

I ask all these questions because these are important.

Take some time out.  Write down what you wish for and want to do.

Make a plan with what you wish to do.

I am always doing this myself it helps.

One final point think of this you need to become aware of what would happen if she came back into you life.

Do you want that?

You need to make some sensible decisions.

No one wants to see anybody hurt.  

On a lighter note that is good you have animals cats to help you through the day.  I can feel the stress.  They have a calming effect.

I am fully aware of your mental health and health issues.  Thank you for telling me.  Are you getting help and support with any of it.?

That is an essential requirement to take care of yourself.

One final point please may I say thank you for your courage and bravery in admitting to the community about alcoholism the effects it is having on your relationship. That is not easy.

Always in my thoughts and prayers

Your friend

Catman

Catman

That was about as bad as it got. She bitt my nose and fractured my thumb on that night, Weds March the 22nd last year. I took that pic just before the Police got me to Hospital 

Catman

Please dont worry about how long you or anybody takes to reply.

Catman

As for Support I've not long been trying to get my health in check and a lot of referalls have been made, mostly diabetes, sleep apnoea and Fibromyalgia related but I am being referred for Counselling for the PTSD caused by the Domestic Violence I've endured. 

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janejr

Hello Catman I think I called it walking on eggshells when I was with him and that horrible feeling something bad was going to happen constantly had me living on my nerves. I know you love her but I'm afraid I don't think she will ever change. I lost 21years , wasted years when I could change been happy. You can't cure her with your love and trust me things could and most likely get worse. Nothing I ever did made it better and like I said he has continued to do the same to other women. My best advice to you is to take your beloved cat and run. Don't be afraid but please find courage to run. I can't stand being around men that drink alcohol even now 10 years after breaking free. Please get councillor the effects of what you've been through are grossly underestimated. It's like being held hostage for years. Will be thinking of you 

Catman

Thanks Victoria and Jane. You both make a lot of sense. I am constantly walking on eggshells and over-apologising. I really can't be the true me and wasn't designed for the life I'm presently living. I'm so exhausted and can't think straight right now. 

thespiceman

Hello @Catman Sorry I was not up and about early to bed for me, just to keep warm.

I noticed you have not replied to me Email.  So I thought I would just add some comments if you do not mind.

How are you?

 You were in my thoughts I am like that.  I do care about people on this forum.  Just thinking of my own situation.  You remind me of what happened to myself.

Please can I say seen the photo.  I do think you have received lots of support from the two ladies.

We as a community are not interfering just caring and compassionate.

I do feel for you please can I say I left everything behind, personal stuff, clothes and just moved out of the environment I was living.

I am still on tenterhooks even now.  So long ago.  I hope you please have the courage to do this.

You have the right to leave go to another area find your feet.  Just worried if you stay love is not the answer.

Spent too many days thinking I have done the right thing leaving.  The answer is yes.  I can do what I want.

I left a lot of stuff behind, that can be replaced.  What can not be replaced is your life if something happens to you.

Hope you do understand what we all are saying to you.

I do know you seem desperate to seek change only you can do this we can not only give our time.

Take care

Your Friend

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Catman

Sorry spiceman, didn't know I gave you my email addy. My head is all over the place and the pain and fatigue is through the roof right now and I'm unsure if it's all down to the Fibromyalgia. I'm finding it incredibly hard to stay focused. I'm in pain from my hands to my toes. 

My IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) has referred me to Counselling and no longer sees me as my partner's behaviour has sufficiently improved. 

Today I'm really proper pooped. Thank-you all for your support and kind words. 

Catman

Victoria, yes, perhaps I do need to get back in touch with the Domestic Abuse Services here again. 

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dee4848

Good day my friends hope all is well.

thespiceman

Hello @Catman It is OK we all understand.  I see Victoria has sent loads of useful advice.  Has been sending support. 

Great as long you know we are all here, just to say.  I know your heads all over the place.  So would mine.  I had to say something this afternoon that is all.

Please remember you are the one change your life.  If the help is not forth coming.  Ask SCOPE advisors on the phone to help.  What you need to what to  do next. .  Thank you for your honesty and sharing.

You are in control. you are the one to find the help and support.  You can do this.

Please can I add I have been in your shoes.  Had to do this and yes it was painful .  When I read your story it reminds me of what I have been through.

I just did it.  Made a plan got my head together and yes there will be set backs, knock backs on the journey you will be taking

Every one goes on a journey carrying their suit cases of woes, problems and history.

The path is never smooth if you put obstacles in the way.  You can stay or go around them.


Always here to listen.
.

Take care

Your friend

janejr

I'm not saying it's easy to leave the person you love I loved mine for 21year and part of me cracking up after it was over was I still loved him. Just knew I had to go , he had made me feel worthless and unfit to be loved. The damage he did was immense,,, , to many bad thoughts going through my head now but I'm so happy I'm out. Not saying you got to leave her or even that you should . Just trying to give you courage to see your worth loving and it got to start with loving yourself. Your worth being happy is all I'm saying. 

Catman

Hi Dee, Spiceman and Jane, thank you all for your replies and so sorry for my late reply. Spent a lot of yesterday resting and same again today, was an early get-up today to drive my partner to an appt, so no medicinal smoke last night to ensure I was fit to drive, so pain was a major issue last night as it is today. 

My Escitalopram has recently been upped and I wonder if that's making my depression worse. When I take a dip with my depression I become a lot quieter and withdrawn, which is what's happening to me now. Rach is a little worried as I'm less physically affectionate but I've let her in a little about my depression which I mask fairly well. 

janejr

Hello  Catman was just thinking about you. Sorry to hear you had a bad night and in pain. I have Osteoarthritis in all my joints and a disk desease in my back so know the effects of pain. I'm not good at pain and when it's at its worse will admit I cry. 
From what you have wrote I'm not surprised your depression is bad. Rest my friend take things easy try to eat as food important to being strong mentally as well as physically. Chat anytime you need us take care

Catman

Thanks Jane. It's sad also for me to hear that you're in so much pain as well. I mourn the old me when I was so much more active and always going off on road trips. I miss working, I'm a skilled Aircraft Fitter and was on a good wage, now sadly I'm unable to work due to my conditions. I'm retired at the grand old age of forty-seven.

Thank-you so much for your concern and support. Life has to get better.

thespiceman

Hello @Catman Good afternoon.  Guess you have a day of thinking, well rested.

Thank you for reply.  I am sorry you're in pain.  I see you are on meds for depression.  This might be an idea just a suggestion.  Make a visit to surgery.  Being concerned.  I have a good doctor I hope you do.

If you're in pain what are you taking.

I wake up every day back pain result of my addiction.  Get pain in legs and feet.

Just take over counter meds.  If worse know Doctors there for help.  Also pain advisor here might help.

Please can I say hope you OK.  I know I sent a lot to you.  Just a guy who cares.

Take care

Your friend

Catman

Hi Spiceman. I take Gabapentin and Codiene for the Fibromyalgia but it really doesn't do much for the pain. I'm registered here with a doctor but progress is slow. I was under the Pain Clinic at Southmead Hospital in Bristol and have had acupuncture, seen the Pharmacist there and the Pain Psychologist. I was due to embark on a pain management course but moved before it was due to start. 

The pain is so bad on a nighttime that I sleep with a pillow between my legs to avoid my knees and ankles hurting even more. 

I feel for you buddy as you seem to be going through similiar. Thanks again for your support. 

Phil. 

thespiceman

Hello @Catman Thank you for reply.  Always here. Doctor's I wonder if it worth contacting them.  I know system slow.  I have had similar experiences.

We guys are we not yes we are in pain.  Spending days in pain well I can take that, do not wish to make an issue out of it.  Sorry mate this is what I say to my self.

In the end had to go down just did not want this.  I am crowding the surgery.  I have just have to get on with it.  I say this all the time.

I have to go though. Helped me in the end.  Guess the Doctor I have you know said to me.  Come down if I can help, I can help. 

I feel for you as well you know.  My friend.  Admitting to all of us what is happening.  Telling the community.  Need to share.  Admire you for doing that.

Total respect.  First time I ever talked to this community lot of response and now many of them are like yourself.

Proud to call a mate.

I see that you have lots in place to cope with pain.. Although it would not do any harm .  What do you think?  Follow up anything that benefit you a bit extra.

No one wishes to make a fuss.  Just worth a look at what else is there.

At the end of the day all of us in the community are here to listen.  Hope if and when needed a lot of advice, information.  Soothe and ease the worries and pain.

I want you to know I get up most nights in either back pain or leg pain.  So I use meds but still it is hard to sleep.  Try to relax have wind down music and all that.  That is me though.

Hope to speak to soon

Take care

Catman

Yes my friend, Spiceman I do need to see the doctor again, I guess. They did increase my nightly Gabapentin from 300 to 600 mg, that was a couple of months ago and has done nothing to ease my pain. They've also referred me to the Rheumatologist. Back in Bristol, I was due to see Physio so they could get me some water therapy. 

Right at this very minute, the pain is so bad that it's making me nauseous and as for the fatigue, that's another matter, I'm exhausted. 

Thanks for keeping in touch my good friend. Keep strong. 

thespiceman

Hello @catman That's OK we as guys have to help each other.  Not easy is it.

Please can I say sounds like could be hunger as well  I get really tired with meds and pain.    I am not your Mother are you eating OK?  Just a thought my friend.

Have a fruit bowl handy for snack attack.  Lot's of energy there.  Got simple ideas if wish to know.  All about right balance.  Are you OK with nuts? Peanut Butter sandwich.  Whole meal bread, use with honey, crackers with fruit cheese just a snack my friend.

Sometimes we guys do not eat.  We have to though.  I buy like to night Cooked Chicken easy sandwich or salad.  Buy a lot of the stuff made, coleslaw and potato salad.  That helps B vitamins just ideas my friend.

Do not wish to make a fuss.

I hope you get sorted please come back to chat.  Stay safe  Just remember do not be afraid to ask any of us anything.

No matter how trivial.

Some times us guys just need to say how we are

Your friend

Catman

Thanks my friend, I do have to be careful with what I eat now however, as I've recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I was a chocoholic with a very sweet tooth so I've had to change my diet. Rach and I are presently living with her parents so I've got two women fussing over me and making sure I eat right.