Dark place revisited. - Page 2 — Scope | Disability forum
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Dark place revisited.

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  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thanks Spiceman for another interesting reply. It sounds like we've both had a kinda tough life and that's what brings me to tell you about my greatest love in life, animals, especially Cats, hence my nickname, I totally and utterly adore them. Animals are such great therapy for me and have always offered me comfort when people wouldn't or couldn't. 

    I'm living with Rach my partner and her parents, Casper is here too, he's three and a half and I've had him since he was two months old. Rach lost her kids last year, they were taken into care due to her continued domestic violence against me. I owned a small flat at the time and the four of us were squeezed into that. One of the things we had to do, in order to get them back was to secure a bigger property. I'd lost my job by then so I had no option but to sell my flat. 

    The assaults against me continued however as she was still drinking. My heart ruled my head and I kept forgiving her, even though her assaults at times were truly awful, she'd use her teeth and other things to hurt me. She ended up in Prison for a couple of weeks, held on remand but released on Probation and to her Mum's address a long way from where we were living. The sale of my home went through and I moved in with Rach's family in September. It really aint easy here, we live in the lounge and have constant interuptions.

    There's a lot more to my story, believe me. I don't really do an awful lot as my health isn't so good at present. I do however like to read, when I can focus and listen to music .
  • janejr
    janejr Community member Posts: 149 Pioneering
    Hi Catman my heart feels your pain. I had 21years of DV before I had courage to end it. Funny thing is I loved him and the breakup sent me on a very dark road for nearly 2years. Now I still have issues in relationships but at least I don't live with fear. My ex still drinks and beats his now girlfriend. He even punched one woman that hard she fell through a glass patio window and her eye came out of her socket. Your girl has an illness because that's how I see alcoholics but then it's not your fault and you have to take care of yourself. I'm glad your here on scope , there are many kind and understanding people here and we all will be happy to listen and help. Take care Catman 
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thanks Jane for sharing a very difficult experience. Our relationship is like a constant rollercoaster to be honest. Right now she's being mostly very loving but I still see signs at times of her anger and it worries me. The money from the sale of my home is being eroded away and I'm fearful for my future. If anything happens once the money has gone, I have no idea what I'll do. I'm almost waiting for something to happen so Casper my furbaby and I can take flight. I'm really not sure what the heck to do, I'm exhausted. 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Catman   Thank you for reply.  Sorry I did not get back to you .

    I know I sent a long post but the hardest part, I still can not write with  a lot of guilt and regret. Which is the effect of my illness.

    No one talks about domestic violence in relationship if it is the woman doing the hurting.  We are men and it is upsetting to deal with it.  To be truthful and honest first time I talked about to a Doctor about my situation in my own relationships.  I was never believed. 

    Only well even now I never really talked about it.  I talk about the violence my Mother did just last few years.  Had to getting to me.  Never thought the women who you are having a relationship is hitting, fighting you.  Physical punches.

    I was at the time still very much involved drinking so they were.  Unfortunately no matter what.  One of us had to relent and one of us had to go.

    I had to find away out.  I had to move away.  Try to sort myself out.

    Please can I ask what is the situation with you own family,? if you do mind asking.
    If you have problems with them then I understand

    Please can I ask do you need her family?  

    Please do you think you are safe?

    I ask all these questions because these are important.

    Take some time out.  Write down what you wish for and want to do.

    Make a plan with what you wish to do.

    I am always doing this myself it helps.

    One final point think of this you need to become aware of what would happen if she came back into you life.

    Do you want that?

    You need to make some sensible decisions.

    No one wants to see anybody hurt.  

    On a lighter note that is good you have animals cats to help you through the day.  I can feel the stress.  They have a calming effect.

    I am fully aware of your mental health and health issues.  Thank you for telling me.  Are you getting help and support with any of it.?

    That is an essential requirement to take care of yourself.

    One final point please may I say thank you for your courage and bravery in admitting to the community about alcoholism the effects it is having on your relationship. That is not easy.

    Always in my thoughts and prayers

    Your friend
    Community Champion
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  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    That was about as bad as it got. She bitt my nose and fractured my thumb on that night, Weds March the 22nd last year. I took that pic just before the Police got me to Hospital 
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Please dont worry about how long you or anybody takes to reply.
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    As for Support I've not long been trying to get my health in check and a lot of referalls have been made, mostly diabetes, sleep apnoea and Fibromyalgia related but I am being referred for Counselling for the PTSD caused by the Domestic Violence I've endured. 
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  • janejr
    janejr Community member Posts: 149 Pioneering
    Hello Catman I think I called it walking on eggshells when I was with him and that horrible feeling something bad was going to happen constantly had me living on my nerves. I know you love her but I'm afraid I don't think she will ever change. I lost 21years , wasted years when I could change been happy. You can't cure her with your love and trust me things could and most likely get worse. Nothing I ever did made it better and like I said he has continued to do the same to other women. My best advice to you is to take your beloved cat and run. Don't be afraid but please find courage to run. I can't stand being around men that drink alcohol even now 10 years after breaking free. Please get councillor the effects of what you've been through are grossly underestimated. It's like being held hostage for years. Will be thinking of you 
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Thanks Victoria and Jane. You both make a lot of sense. I am constantly walking on eggshells and over-apologising. I really can't be the true me and wasn't designed for the life I'm presently living. I'm so exhausted and can't think straight right now. 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Catman Sorry I was not up and about early to bed for me, just to keep warm.

    I noticed you have not replied to me Email.  So I thought I would just add some comments if you do not mind.

    How are you?

     You were in my thoughts I am like that.  I do care about people on this forum.  Just thinking of my own situation.  You remind me of what happened to myself.

    Please can I say seen the photo.  I do think you have received lots of support from the two ladies.

    We as a community are not interfering just caring and compassionate.

    I do feel for you please can I say I left everything behind, personal stuff, clothes and just moved out of the environment I was living.

    I am still on tenterhooks even now.  So long ago.  I hope you please have the courage to do this.

    You have the right to leave go to another area find your feet.  Just worried if you stay love is not the answer.

    Spent too many days thinking I have done the right thing leaving.  The answer is yes.  I can do what I want.

    I left a lot of stuff behind, that can be replaced.  What can not be replaced is your life if something happens to you.

    Hope you do understand what we all are saying to you.

    I do know you seem desperate to seek change only you can do this we can not only give our time.

    Take care

    Your Friend


    Community Champion
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  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Sorry spiceman, didn't know I gave you my email addy. My head is all over the place and the pain and fatigue is through the roof right now and I'm unsure if it's all down to the Fibromyalgia. I'm finding it incredibly hard to stay focused. I'm in pain from my hands to my toes. 

    My IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) has referred me to Counselling and no longer sees me as my partner's behaviour has sufficiently improved. 

    Today I'm really proper pooped. Thank-you all for your support and kind words. 
  • Catman
    Catman Community member Posts: 64 Courageous
    Victoria, yes, perhaps I do need to get back in touch with the Domestic Abuse Services here again. 
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  • dee4848
    dee4848 Community member Posts: 256 Pioneering
    Good day my friends hope all is well.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Catman It is OK we all understand.  I see Victoria has sent loads of useful advice.  Has been sending support. 

    Great as long you know we are all here, just to say.  I know your heads all over the place.  So would mine.  I had to say something this afternoon that is all.

    Please remember you are the one change your life.  If the help is not forth coming.  Ask SCOPE advisors on the phone to help.  What you need to what to  do next. .  Thank you for your honesty and sharing.

    You are in control. you are the one to find the help and support.  You can do this.

    Please can I add I have been in your shoes.  Had to do this and yes it was painful .  When I read your story it reminds me of what I have been through.

    I just did it.  Made a plan got my head together and yes there will be set backs, knock backs on the journey you will be taking

    Every one goes on a journey carrying their suit cases of woes, problems and history.

    The path is never smooth if you put obstacles in the way.  You can stay or go around them.


    Always here to listen.
    .

    Take care

    Your friend
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
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  • janejr
    janejr Community member Posts: 149 Pioneering
    I'm not saying it's easy to leave the person you love I loved mine for 21year and part of me cracking up after it was over was I still loved him. Just knew I had to go , he had made me feel worthless and unfit to be loved. The damage he did was immense,,, , to many bad thoughts going through my head now but I'm so happy I'm out. Not saying you got to leave her or even that you should . Just trying to give you courage to see your worth loving and it got to start with loving yourself. Your worth being happy is all I'm saying. 

Brightness