How to get people past the disability to stop them hating and hurting you — Scope | Disability forum

How to get people past the disability to stop them hating and hurting you

ulrichburke Member Posts: 18 Courageous
I had posted this somewhere else here but it seems to have vanished and so I'm posting it again in the hope someone will answer it.

Dear Everyone.

I'm 51, with Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia, Caetextia and Asperger's, no wheelchair.  Categorization-wise, I seem to fall between all the stools going - I'm learning disabled, yet I can't get on the same wavelength as the others in in the L.D. day centres they put me in. I've officially got a very low IQ, yet I've got 16 quals., including an HND equivalent in Computing. My disabilities come out in my face.  I 'look weird' to able-bodied people, and that's the problem that's beset me my entire life.  

To cut a long post short, I've been beaten up loads, through schooldays to the present day. I've had all my teeth kicked out and my head caved in by bovver boots and chunky rings. When I lived in London, I had my flats burgled all the time, had really very repulsive accusations chucked at me by able-bodied people (if you 'look weird', you must 'be weird' and you'll get worked over 'on spec'.)  I got banned from loads of places because people complained about having to look at me/thought I might 'do things' to their kids (that one's followed me for-EVER with absolutely no basis in fact. It's just if you look weird you must BE weird and that's the weirdest thing people can think of.) The police, of course, were a marvellous help - I've been beaten up 4 times by them, too.  They're experts at it, there's never any bruises when they finish with you but you know you've been through it with them,  trust me. 

Eventually they ran out of places in London to put me, so they moved me down to Hastings.  And it started all over again.  Except because Hastings is a lot smaller than London, it's impossible to dodge the idiots. They're all there waiting for you.  I was getting accused of being anything you can think of, having all my giro money mugged off me as I left the post office, all my flats burgled (the cops would move me to a new flat, I'd get followed back by some idiot and his friends would do it over).  Then I got left a legacy, started my own business with it and my business partner ran off with all the money.  Of course the police never found him.  I got declared mentally ill (I'm NOT, I'm mentally HANDICAPPED, there's a difference) and put into a psychiatric home which then got closed down and I got moved to Brighton.  

Where I am now, and it's started all over again.  The guy downstairs constantly kicks my door in and swears he'll 'have me out on the street' where 'you belong, why should decent people have to live with effin' weirdos like you?' I've tried to make friends and been banned from loads of places for doing it, seems they were talking to me to my face and complaining about me talking to them the moment my back was turned. I'm banned from the Pier because the big bouncer says I scare customers (that's based on a bunch of Oriental girls looking at me and running off screaming and giggling!) I've been worked over 4 times since I've been here (which is a LOT better than Hastings or London, I'll say that!) but I still flat can't get any work, voluntary or otherwise.  Why? Glass ceiling, in all three towns/cities. If you're disabled, you're below the glass ceiling and you're one of the Helped. If you're able-bodied, you're above the glass ceiling and a Helper.  The idea of a disabled person being a Helper is totally alien to 95% of all able-bodied people (if not more!) 

Thing IS, over the last half a century I've never made friends, nor ever been included in groups anywhere (including school) I've had so little practice conversing with others I'm totally useless at conversation (imagine you're trying to converse in a foreign language you don't really understand and you'll see what it feels like to me) and I'm SO scared of going out and trying to DO anything where there's able-bodied people that I just sit in most days.  Not that that works too well because if I try DOING anything, like writing music which I love doing, or housework, anything, I'll get my door kicked in by the idiot downstairs more than likely.  I found a great collection of courses on how to get on with people run by the local Community Living Disability Team - but they wouldn't let me do any of them cos they said I wasn't disabled enough.  So I asked the local Scope rep. how I could get onto those or similar courses and she never answered me.  

Please, what do I try next? I'm scared of the guy downstairs because I'm in Brighton on a fluke, if I get kicked out of this place they won't rehouse me, I'll just be street homeless and the guy downstairs is busting his nuts to get me kicked out.  I'm terrified of going into anywhere that's in anyway communal incase I find it's another place I'm banned from. I've tried volunteering at the local Learning Disability day centre and got turned down because the boss lady said other people wouldn't like looking at me (story of my life!) I've tried volunteering in every voluntary shop in the area and been turned down by the lot (mainly cos I've no references, I don't know anyone, I've never kn own anyone, it's just me.) And I'm honestly beginning to wonder if it isn't better to just end it all right now and stop being a  flamin' parasite on the community. I didn't work to earn my quals. to spend a life on benefits, that's been forced on me. But right now I'm completely flat out of ideas.  

I want to have friends, know how to get able-bodied (and other disabled) people past the fact I look like a reject from Star Wars and onto the fact I'm a human being.  I want to learn how to 'do' conversation, because I've had SOOO little practice (can go for 6 months or more without talking to anyone save shop staff, me, cos if you talk to people you get banned.) that I cannot do verbal conversation (I seem to do alright typing it, dunno why it works that way and not verbally for me) And I want to get to fit in. Somewhere. Without being banned/beaten up by bouncers (or cops!) or other locals.  

All ideas will be tried - but people, don't post silly ideas as a joke cos chances are I won't REALISE they're silly ideas - I'm not good at seeing the difference - and I'll try them and end up in it even worse than I am now. Of all the above, before starting finding places to go, I need to learn to do conversation because otherwise I just sit there looking stupid and feeling terrified because I know all the verbal skills everyone else takes for granted are alien to me, so people wonder why I'm 'behaving weird' when it's just I don't know how to DO it.  Got zero confidence in personal communication.  

Yours hopefully



  • Markmywords
    Markmywords Member Posts: 419 Pioneering
    Hello @ulrichburke ,

    I'm sorry to hear of your sad experiences but not surprised.

    You will need to collect video evidence of your neighbour being violent before going to the police. If they don't want to get involved then write to the local Police and Crime Commissioner telling them what has happened.

    The non-disabled don't want to be around the disabled even if their disability doesn't show. There is a complete lack of local social groups for the disabled. It doesn't help that many disability groups focus on a single disability or condition.

    I think only other disabled people would be accepting of us. So most disabled people are likely to be less confident than average. Some might not have the confidence to go out to a social group even if they existed.

    We're all looking for an answer. I think one will have to be created.
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,676 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 2017
    Hi Im sorry you have had such a touch time.

    We have some Community Engagement groups in Brighton and it might be good for you to get in touch with them.  

    Our Community Engagement programme, supported by People's Health Trust, gives disabled people, their families and unpaid carers the time and space to think about what issues matter to them in their own local community, and the opportunity to take action on them together.

    You can contact them on 07824 457234 or by email [email protected]
    Senior online community officer
  • Liam_Alumni
    Liam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 1,105 Pioneering
    edited July 2017
    Hi @ulrichburke,

    I'm so sorry to hear about the problems that you're having.

    Here's a comment by @BeccaShark123 that was left on your previous discussion:
    "Hi Chris

    It sounds like you've had some really awful experiences. Have you tried approaching the police about this?

    I have dyspraxia, some mental health issues and fibromyalgia, so I can empathise with being branded as 'weird'. It's the lack of coordination that sets me apart from others.

    Although I did get bullied in high school and college, I have never encountered violence or emotional abuse beyond that, because the girl harassing me in college got caught out after a very long tribunal-like process.

    I know you say in your post you're a little worried about approaching the police, but not all the police can be bad people- have you considered perhaps approaching the Brighton police force?

    I'd advise also, that you try to see Brighton as a new opportunity- I imagine there would be some group out there you could join to make friends. Have you ever considered accessing a befriending service?

    There's a link here to the service in your area- it's run by the charity Mind.

    Finally, you've always got support here from all of us at Scope. They have a helpline if you want to speak to someone over the phone and discuss this, to get some help and information: 0808 800 3333. Or reply here, and we can always chat. Whatever works best for you!
    Becca  "
  • Liam_Alumni
    Liam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 1,105 Pioneering
    We also have a section of our website with information about disability hate crime which you might find useful. Our Helpline team are also available on 0808 800 3333 and [email protected] should you need further support.

    Is there any additional support you need?
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 126 Listener
    Hey @ulrichburke

    Just wanted to reach out to echo the previous sentiments expressed by other members of the community - please do get in touch with the helpline if you'd like to chat about this further.  We can get quite busy on the phones, so if you can't get through you could always send us an email instead: [email protected] - this actually might be a better option for you if you find it easier to express yourself in writing.
    I'm sure that there will be other community members who come forward to share their own experiences and tips about what's worked for them in tackling these very difficult issues and I look forward to reading them. 

    You have multiple experiences of abuse, of hate incidents, and of hate crime.  This is awful.  I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, and worse, happened to you repeatedly over such a long period of time, in multiple locations.  

    There are specialist hate crime reporting centres in some areas, a list for Brighton can be found on the Safe Space Sussex website.  There are also national organisations that provide this service - the main ones are Stop Hate UK, and Report-It.   I think Sussex police has an app that you can use to report incidents too. 

    If you would like to get some support in reporting these incidents and crimes, you could contact Possability People who are in Brighton.  They provide a range of services to disabled people and could assist you with a referral to a specialist advocacy service.

    I hope this has been useful and please do feel free to reach out using the methods described above if you wanted to chat about this further in a more private setting.

    warm wishes,

  • tru88le
    tru88le Posts: 207 Courageous
    Yes you should get video evidence or audio to back up any complaints.
    Ive never heard of such a catalogue of abuse its insane.