Random jokes and funnies thread.

I went into B and Q, I said “can I have a kilo of nails please?” An assistant said “ of course, how long do you want them?” I said “ forever.”

A slab of black tarmac and a slab of concrete walk into a bar and ordered 2 pints. They sat down with their drinks and commenced a discussion about who was the toughest. The tarmac said that he was the strongest because he bore the weight of the country's traffic on his back. The concrete retorted that he was stronger as he was the chosen material for all the airports runways and that day after day fully laden planes took off and landed on his back day and night. The conversation continued in this vein for some time, getting increasingly more heated.
Then a slab of red tarmac walked in and the conversation abruptly stopped. The barman then said to the black tarmac and concrete, 'I don't understand you two. You were going at it hammer and tongs and then shut up when the red tarmac walked in. Why?'
They replied to the barman ' we don't talk to him. He's a cycle path.'  (Psychopath.)



Went to get coat but it had already gone!!!!

Ha ha

I told a couple of friends at work that I had found a secret screen on Call of Duty where you can create your own weapons. So I made a boomerang grenade and discovered the flaw in my design when I first tried to use it. Two of us could not stop laughing when the other asked where he could find it.

I told my daughter in Far Cry 5 on Christmas Day I had received a notice that I was on Santa's permanent naughty list after killing 8 reindeer in succession. She asked me if that was a real achievement in the game. Only on Christmas day and they are pulling a sled and a large jolly gentleman with a large sack