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  • csno01
    csno01 Community member Posts: 387 Pioneering
    Wow.
    I bet that was a while ago. @MrAllen1976Thats great news @MPowell_199
    I am aware of POF and have used it in the past, although I have had little success with it. This was due to either being upfront about my limitations, which lookking back on it, was probably too soon.  Or, sending out lots of emails and not getting any responses. 
    A couple of my friends who arent disabled, have used the site and have found their life-long partners Too. 
  • csno01
    csno01 Community member Posts: 387 Pioneering
    Hi Everyone, 

    I hope you are all keeping safe and well? 

    I came across this article which I had a read of and thought I would share to get your thoughts. I struggled to understand it and was wondering, what message is it giving the reader? I hope it is ok for me to post as it mentions people / persons name.

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/3fd6b74d-e71e-4327-b2f7-3257e6a3c1ea 

    Thanks,
    CSno01 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,488 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @csno01!

    The article is perfectly fine to share :) I think that some of the messages it's trying to give the reader are:

    Hidden motives for dating a disabled person

    Shane and Hannah:
    "Our society tells us that disabled people aren't worthy partners," she says. "There's almost no positive representation of disability or dating with a disability in our media, so many people think that disabled people couldn't possibly be in a healthy, wonderful relationship.

    "This means when they see Shane and I, they invent conspiracy theories to try to reconcile our relationship with what they’ve been taught."
    Gina and Charlie:
    In terms of social perceptions, it's interesting that people often assume we're siblings. Sure, we're both ginger, but I think it's easier for people to assume a disabled person would be out with their family instead of having a partner.

    We also get a lot of people thanking or praising Gina for being with me, which makes me sound like a booby prize or that she's settled for something she shouldn't have to put up with.

    This is saying that some people, unfortunately, hold such prejudice against disabled people that they find it difficult to believe a non-disabled person would want to be in a relationship with a disabled person. They might therefore invent fake theories about the relationship such as:

    • they're only in it for the money
    • they're faking it for fame
    • the non-disabled person must be in another relationship at the same time

    Whether or not to use the term 'interabled couple'

    In the US, some couples, including within the disability vlogging community, have started to use the term "interabled".

    But it's not widely accepted. Some feel it's an unhelpful reinforcement of narrow-minded, medically-orientated thinking.

    "It's inaccurate and focuses on the physical or mental differences between the two people (or more) in a relationship," says disability campaigner and broadcaster Mik Scarlet.

    "Disabled people spend far too much time trying to get wider society to understand the 'social model of disability', which suggests we aren't disabled by our bodies but the way society treats us, so when a concept like 'interabled' takes hold it undoes so much of that work."

    This is saying that the term 'interabled' is controversial, as it doesn't fit with the social model of disability. The social model of disability states that people have impairments, but it is society that disables them. Saying that a couple is 'interabled' might suggest that one person is 'able-bodied', and the other is not, which isn't language that the social model supports.

    Sex

    Lucy and Arun:
    there's definitely a taboo around disability and sex, in that people think you cannot have both.

    While this may be true for some cases, I feel people who are disabled have a much deeper appreciation about what it means to be intimate and have sex. It's not just about penetration (sorry to be so blunt), but I think more about the feelings and emotion, the foreplay and the pleasure.

    It's a whole experience that I think some non-disabled couples would say that they are lacking.

    Lorna and Rob:

    Plus, that guy is like, obsessed with me or something, he's happy just being with me! Our sex life is strong, mainly because we communicate.

    These bits are just making the simple point that disabled people can enjoy sex, and non-disabled people can enjoy having sex with disabled people. 

    Care

    Gina and Charlie:
    People also seem to think it must be a very one-sided relationship, with Gina doing everything for me. The opposite is true: it's a two-way street just like everyone else's relationships. Yes, she may help physically day-to-day but I support her through mental struggles and everyday life.

    If there's one thing I want people to understand it's that relationships are relationships. They have ups and downs, responsibilities, and care and understanding for each other. Having a disability doesn't change that. If you're in a relationship with someone with a disability, it is just that. No ulterior motives.

    I think a lot of the misunderstanding comes from people believing that helping a disabled person can only be a chore - the duty of a paid friend or assistant.

    What they fail to understand is that, actually, when I help Charlie, it doesn't weaken the relationship and take the love away. If anything it heightens it. I never use the word carer for this reason, I am Charlie's partner through everything.

    Lorna and Rob:

    Rob has to help me with some personal care, such as showering and other day-to-day tasks.

    I would say it absolutely brought us closer as a couple, and continues to do so. I think care within a relationship, although often tricky to navigate, can be so intimate.

    So although I may not be able to do the hoovering or the cooking, I listen to him when he needs to offload about his day. I do the meal plans to ensure we're both getting a healthy, balanced diet.

    The fact is, care of some form should exist in all romantic relationships - abled and disabled - otherwise what exactly are you doing with each other?

    I think these sections are trying to show that it may be the case that a non-disabled people might need to help their disabled partner out with various things, depending on their needs, but that this isn't a 'burden' or unpleasant job. Caring for your partner is an important part of any relationship, and it isn't one sided. It can also bring you closer.


    I hope this makes sense? I just tried to get a few of what I thought were the key points across. 

    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

    Join our call for an equal future.
  • csno01
    csno01 Community member Posts: 387 Pioneering
    Thank you very much for taking the time to do this @Tori_Scope. It makes sense now. 

    Csno01
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,488 Disability Gamechanger
    No problem @csno01 :) Do you have any thoughts on it? 
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

    Join our call for an equal future.
  • csno01
    csno01 Community member Posts: 387 Pioneering
    No problem @csno01 :) Do you have any thoughts on it? 
    Hi Tori_Scope,

    I have posted this topic on several other forums / sites and I have got mixed responses. I am unsure what to make of it although your response is the most positive.
  • MPowell_1991
    MPowell_1991 Community member Posts: 83 Courageous
    csno01 said:
    Wow.
    I bet that was a while ago. @MrAllen1976Thats great news @MPowell_199
    I am aware of POF and have used it in the past, although I have had little success with it. This was due to either being upfront about my limitations, which lookking back on it, was probably too soon.  Or, sending out lots of emails and not getting any responses. 
    A couple of my friends who arent disabled, have used the site and have found their life-long partners Too. 
    Hi @csno01 - i hope that you are keeping well? I've always been up front about my disability, it's you, there is, in my opinion no point in hiding from it. For sure, has the fact i'm in a wheelchair deterred some girls before? The answer is simple, of course it has but i would strongly advise you persevere. Really try to get the bottom of what you want in a relationship, what are the qualities and the attributes which you value? - i very often sent lots of messages to all kinds of different people and rarely got a response from anyone.

    You wouldn't believe the amount of times my partner gets asked by friends and colleagues if i'm capable of having sex, truthfully though, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being up front and direct with people if that's something which you're comfortable with :)
  • svelpeeeette
    svelpeeeette Community member Posts: 3 Listener
    I been on different dating sites and some dating site were disabled dating or learning disabilities dating.
    Best Dating Site - https://hespac.com/datingus.htm I met my soul mate on here two years ago.. we have just had our first baby together and life couldn't be any better.
  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 374 Courageous
    @csno01 Hi,I'm Caitlin and did has some success with Facebook dating and some bit of success of badoo and apps that i'm using is chat and date that is made same brand of badoo but didn't success with learning disability dating agency websites . just be wary with some mainstream dating websites . i also try plenty of fish no  succes and okcupid and no lucks .

  • csno01
    csno01 Community member Posts: 387 Pioneering
    Hi @Splatmate24,

    Thank you for your message, it is nice to hear from you. 
    Badoo Dating, that is one I have not heard of if I am being honnest. I’ll have a look. Facebook Dating, people are widespread. I have also tried POF in the past too. 

    Currently, I am using meetup.com. That way, I get to meet people in person. :-)
  • csno01
    csno01 Community member Posts: 387 Pioneering
    You should be a campaigner / speaker for the disabled with regards to dating. 
  • Autism_at_40
    Autism_at_40 Community member Posts: 724 Pioneering
    I've tried all the regular dating sites, but didnt like them.
    Then I tried Autistic Dating, didn't like that either.
    I discovered that most people want to meet up straight away, because they feel like it's pointless otherwise (like saying it's just a penpal), but I am too shy to do that.
    So, I think for me, I have to meet people in person first, in regular situations, as I would be too nervous about just going on a date or meeting up with a new group of people.
    Catch 22 I think.
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,979 Disability Gamechanger
    It's absolutely ok, and valuable, that you recognise what does and does not work best for you @Autism_at_40 :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
  • Autism_at_40
    Autism_at_40 Community member Posts: 724 Pioneering
    It's absolutely ok, and valuable, that you recognise what does and does not work best for you @Autism_at_40 :)
    I ended up going back on Autistic Dating, see how it goes this time.
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,979 Disability Gamechanger
    Good luck @Autism_at_40. Please feel free to let us know how it goes for you this time and if there's anything we can do to support you  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
  • Autism_at_40
    Autism_at_40 Community member Posts: 724 Pioneering
    Thanks @L_Volunteer
    Well, I have had a few messages from people.  Some of which I found inappropriate, so I told them as much.
    Others just don't go anywhere.
    I was talking every day to this one bloke, thought were were getting on really well, messaged every day, but I've not heard from him since Thursday, so I don't know if I have been ghosted.

    I'm also talking to someone else but it's not quite the same.  It would only be as friends with these people anyway I think.

    I'm just really bad at making friends it seems...
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,979 Disability Gamechanger
    It is really important to have those boundaries in place @Autism_at_40, well done to you. It sounds really difficult that you have not heard from him since Thursday though.

    Is this something you feel able to ask him? It might be that he has a valid explanation, hopefully, but none of us know this but him  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
  • Autism_at_40
    Autism_at_40 Community member Posts: 724 Pioneering
    Thanks @L_Volunteer, I felt like if it were me on the receiving end, I would want to know, rather than just ignoring the people who send things like that, I thought it best to tell them.

    I've still not heard anything from that particular person, honestly, I don't want to push it.  Past experience has made me feel like I should just let it go.

    I've had messages from other people, but definitely not the same as him.
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,979 Disability Gamechanger
    I completely hear you @Autism_at_40. Quite often, when we put ourselves in other people's shoes we are much more considerate and think differently about things. 

    How are you feeling about everything this weekend? I hope you are well but please don't hesitate to let us know if we can do anything to support you  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
  • Autism_at_40
    Autism_at_40 Community member Posts: 724 Pioneering
    Thanks @L_Volunteer
    I was talking to someone new, but he said my messages were too long, shortened my name without asking and I just felt was a bit too much on some things.

    I've not been feeling great recently, so I have not told him that I don't want to talk to him anymore, but I will, as I feel I should.

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