Life is'nt easy whether disabled or with a hidden illness

I have suffered with anxiety ,stress,worry,all my life,plus ME/CFS and now living alone those conditions have magnified.
People see me as the person of fun and jollity but its all a front and i'm hurting.
Every day i am confronted with things to deal with,things i cannot put off for another day.
After living with my soulmate for 30 years,and now finding myself living alone,the days become unreachable,and untenable.
Maybe i depended on my partner David far to much,but anything that worried me he would put right,he was an extraordinary man,and i miss him far more than i can say.
Sometimes now,i feel tremendous guilt that i was not a better partner,and until i was looking through his personal papers i had no idea what i had put him through,he never once let me down or critisized me,he was a one off ,and i am so blessed that he came into my life,and it was at a very bad time...was i selfish,was i uncaring,was i not considerate enough,this now weighs heavily on me to the point where i have little interest in the future.
Until now i was house proud to a degree that i was obsessive,but now i just dont care,i let everything slide,and thats not like me at all.
I just dont know whats wrong with me,except grief is a terrible thing.