Binge Eating Relapse

I am on the autism spectrum and have been dealing with a binge eating disorder for six years. I had started to get help for it in 2020 but I have started to relapse and gain weight. My parents are so upset with me because I didn’t tell them until I couldn’t hide the weight gain anymore and they’re saying that the lying to them about it is destroying them and is abusing them.

I am ashamed to the point where I feel sick, I don’t wanna eat again and I feel like it would be better for them if I’m not on the planet. I look for emotional release in self harm and I like binge eating out of all the forms of self harm as it gets rid of the bad voices in my head. I’ve broken the trust and I know I’m not getting it back.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m toxic to them. I had my last day at my horticulture project where everyone was so lovely to me and wishing me luck for my new job, and all I can think about is why are they being nice to me I don’t deserve it. I’ve been isolating myself from them, self harming via binge eating in front of them and sometimes have been too snappy when delivering instructions for work when I should not have been.

I’m just so toxic and I want to stop putting people through hell, but I don’t know what to do. And I already felt like a burden before I got caught out for binge eating again.