Depression

Wibbles · January 17

How do I deal with a depressed Wife/Carer ?

She's got a history of depression but I've never seen her so bad before…

Any advice please

Holly_Scope · January 17

Hi @Wibbles Bless her. And it's really nice that you pick up on this - you clearly care very deeply for her needs. Is she willing to talk about it with you? I know sometimes just talking about feelings helps. There may be something specific that's making her feel this way, and by talking you could work together to find a way to help.

Also, it's important that she has some time away for herself too. Even without taking into account the caring side, I think every couple need their own space or it can have an impact. Does she have friends/family that she socialises with?

You've mentioned the depression being historical. Has she received support for this before. I'm just thinking, she might have contacts or know a little about who to reach out to i.e. GP or community support but just needs a bit of encouragement to reach out. It's important that she does get support and the GP is a good starting point for that.

I hope things improve for you both and know we're here for you both. 💛

Best wishes,

Holly

WhatThe · January 17

Hello Wibbles, the best of us sometimes need medication to recover from and manage depression.

Try to persuade her to book a GP telephone appointment next week. The GP is always the first port of call. She may want a private visit to the surgery instead of a call. She may not want you to know something or she may not realise how unwell she is.

Showing that you care in the smallest of ways is what you can do this weekend.

.

Wibbles · January 18

It's caused by the menopause!

Unfortunately - she won't go to her GP for help - for anything

Albus_Scope · January 18

Sorry to hear she's being stubborn @Wibbles do you think you could be able to persuade her to speak to a GP at all? I know how tough the menopause can be for so many women, she deserves to get some support.

Wibbles · January 18

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/969946#Comment_969946

No I can't get her to contact her GP for help

Her GP is not a very good surgery

I have a different surgery (cross the county border for historic reasons) which she cannot join

Wibbles · January 30

My wife/carer tells me that she wants to leave me and has actively been looking for a solicitor !!

We've been married for 22 years. She has had no support at all from anyone during this time and has done everything herself.

I am concerned, not only for her but also for myself - what I should do if it happens ?

I am unable to do virtually anything for myself, my speech is extremely poor, my mobility is zero and I am in constant pain from arthritis in my shoulders, knees and spine….I also have an extremely overactive bladder - so as you can see - I am a mess !

I asked a Council contact for the email address of social services for someone who can help me 24/7- if she does go AND QUICK, because I am unable to phone for help and have no local support network.

She told me no such facilities are available and, virtually, I am on my own !

I also asked her about Personal Health Budgets - she totally ignored that question.

We live in our own home and have savings - so are not entitled to any financial assistance…

What should I do ?

Kimmy87 · January 30

As you currently aren't entitled to financial assistance, you can contact a care agency direct to discuss your needs and put a plan in place for someone to come in several times a day as an interim measure.

You can ask the care agency or one of the carers to make a safeguarding report to your local council, or you can do a self safeguarding report.

24/7 care would probably fall under a care home so you might want to start researching possibilities.

Paid live in 24/7 care is not always easy to arrange because you need several people to cover different shifts, holidays, sickness and other time off.

michael57 · January 30

have you thought of equity release on the house splitting it with your wife and paying for a live in carer for yourself

Wibbles · January 30

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/976567#Comment_976567

But these things take time to set up - I have no idea how much warning I will get if she decides to leave me !

Kimmy87 · January 30

I appreciate that which is why you should start very soon.

Perhaps the self safeguarding report would be the first thing to do.

You should be able to do this online without speaking to anyone on the phone.

Wibbles · January 30

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/976578#Comment_976578

Thanks - I have emailed one company already

Wibbles · January 30

It's not looking very promising - nothing heard from the company for over an hour

You would have expected a virtual instant response to a question like I asked….

Wibbles · January 30

Stiii nothing heard

It's been 3 1/2 hours

Wibbles · January 31

Still nothing - not very good are they ?

judie · January 31

So sorry you're having to deal with this. I went through the menopause a couple of years ago and it was a nightmare. Unlike my depression I was actually convinced I was going insane. My emotions were all over the place, I was scared and angry all the time. If anyone lived with me they too would have been living my nightmare, I can't imagine how hard it is for you. Take the practical steps you need to but remember your real wife, the one who has been with you all this time, is still in there, she is desperately struggling with the unknown.

Santosha12 · January 31

@Wibbles I've read through your thread, am so sorry you're both going through all of this and especially, your vulnerability. It sounds like your wife is your sole carer. Is she feeling exhausted (physically and mentally).

Will she talk to you about it? Could you afford for her to have 'respite' (small holiday) herself for a week or so but with a plan to get regular care in so it isn't all her responsibility. Is her saying she's looking at leaving because she's exhausted and it feels too much for her. I'm not asking all this for you to answer but to consider/think about. Caring, no matter how much you love somebody can be so very hard. If you have the money, a serious talk about what options you both have to ease things could be a good way forward.

We all know the social care sector is in crisis. Would you consider having a week say in respite care yourself so your wife has a break at home.

I don't want to offend you with my comments/ideas, I really don't. I just care for you to get the right support, whatever that looks like for you. It sounds like it could potentially be bordering on a crisis for you and just hoping that could be avoided but, big change could be needed to 'pull things back', if that makes sense.

But you can't do it all on your own.

www.menopausematters.co.uk is a brilliant website however I've read what you say about your wife not getting help. It's very sad if she doesn't take her own responsibility to help improve her wellbeing as we all have that and moreso I'd say when you're in a 'couple'.

I do wish you good luck and hope you can find ways to get the right help you might need.

This site is VERY GOOD. Others will have better ideas than me I'm sure. Take very good care.

Santosha12 · January 31

@Wibbles sorry just wanted to add that sounds harsh of me about your wife taking responsibility too for her health as her depression could be too deep for her to take action at the moment so I'm sorry, I certainly don't mean to judge her at all.

Depression

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