Hi, my name is cordicole! Any guidance on my son's behaviours?

cordicole

I have a 7 year old son who I believe may be ASD he is high functioning and school haven't picked up on alot of things, but more symptoms present as he gets older and I am personally finding it hard to navigate some of his behaviours that are not dangerous to others but mentally self harming to himself. Need any help and guidance anyone can offer. A referral has been submitted but I have been warned I will be waiting years for a diagnosis and ultimately any help 😔

I find myself desperate some days as I don't know how to support him.

Bluebell21

Hi @cordicole Welcome to the Community. I am glad you have had a referral but it can as you say take some time for a diagnosis.

IPSEA might be able to help you with any educational issues you have.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk

Any questions just ask.

Take care.

anisty

What behaviours is your son showing?

Many behaviours shown by autistic people are born of anxiety and you need to look at the behaviour and try to understand what might be going on beneath the surface of the iceburg.

At 7, your son will be very dependent upon you to scaffold a very safe and predictable routine for him.

He will feel more comfortable if you can reduce choices and keep his day to day very safe and easy.

Tasks that have to be done can be broken into smaller steps. Keep the language load right down.

A very simple technique is the forced alternative. Where you give a simple choice but, in fact, your son still does what you need him to do

Eg "do you want to put your shoes on or will I?"

Do you want to eat now or after this programme finishes?

Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your story?

So - simple choices, easy language load and the task gets done.

Which is so much easier for an asd child than a harassed parent's usual "i'm not arguing with you, if you don't brush your teeth i am going to get really cross! We have been through this umpteen times now. Don't run away!! Ok then, are you getting into bed. You have to brush your teeth or go straight to bed. Don't you dare go back downstairs!!

And on it goes, nothing done. Parent stressed. Child stressed. Asd children, like toddlers cannot process lots of language like that. And, unlike NT kids, they don't really understand that you are tired, stressed because you just had a bad day at work.

They think it's all their fault which makes them anxious and on edge and even less able to face the sensory overload of a toothbrush and cold water plus yuk toothpaste in their mouths.

cordicole

See it's advice like this I need!

My son masks at school so when he gets home he unloads, but that looks different to each family member. To me he brings all his emotions and self blame (everything is his fault) My husband he gives anger and it doesn't help that my husband gives orders and not choices (this is even more strain, as my husband's view is he should just do as he is told, regardless of possible ASD)

My son's main symptoms are not feeling safe, fear of failure, toilet anxiety, OCD over being clean, constant ticks, usually whistling or gunning and difficulty making friends and dealing with conflict (he usually hides or runs)

His biggest issue is failure, that results in big meltdowns crying and sometimes banging his head on things.

cordicole

See it's advice like this I need!

My son masks at school so when he gets home he unloads, but that looks different to each family member. To me he brings all his emotions and self blame (everything is his fault) My husband he gives anger and it doesn't help that my husband gives orders and not choices (this is even more strain, as my husband's view is he should just do as he is told, regardless of possible ASD)

My son's main symptoms are not feeling safe, fear of failure, toilet anxiety, OCD over being clean, constant ticks, usually whistling or gunning and difficulty making friends and dealing with conflict (he usually hides or runs)

His biggest issue is failure, that results in big meltdowns crying and sometimes banging his head on things.

SaraC_Scope

@cordicole

Hi there. I completely understand and recognise the behaviours you are describing, as an adoptive Mum to my now 21 year old son. We experienced these challenges when he was around your son's age.

He would mask all day in school, or when he was at activities. When he walked through the door, all I would ask was, how was school/activity and he could go from 0-60 in a matter of moments. If something had upset him during the day he couldn't articulate this and held it in. As his Dad and I were his safe space, we would get the emotions and behaviours he had been supressing all day.

As Anisty has said, those techniques are really helpful. We learnt, with some help, to ask short open ended questions and have a low demand household. Our son is demand avoidant. Our routines had to be structured and I needed to know what the school week looked like in advance to prepare him for unexpected changes. e.g. school trips, Christmas parties.

It might be worth visiting your local Autism organisation.National Autistic Society for more support and advice, alongside this community.

Mary_Scope

Sensory processing checklist.docx

Sensory processing strategies.docx

Hi @cordicole and a warm welcome to the community!

I see Poppy, Sara and Anisty has already given some great advice and information.

I'm wondering if your son has many sensory difficulties or if he has had any sensory support? Sensory challenges can have a big impact on behaviors and the amount of input your son will be able to tolerate. I have attached the sensory checklist to this comment and strategies which you can fill in which will hopefully be helpful in identifying any sensory issues your son may have and hopefully offer some strategies to help!

ERIC has some good information toilet anxiety and toilet phobia in children that may be useful as you mentioned your son has toilet anxiety and they also have a helpline for all things related to childrens toileting.

I hope this was helpful, please reach out if you have more questions or would like further support 😀

anisty

If he's in a mainstream school, you'll have a real battle on your hands getting them to recognise, understand and support your son. But it's important to keep fighting - I am in Scotland so am not up on the education system in England but you really do need to get in there and make sure the school are properly on board.

The toilet can be a huge issue in schools - hand driers can be terrifying, fans, vents etc really can be very frightening.

Social stories can be helpful in school and home. They tell the child what can happen at each stage of routines (eg going to the loo, having a meal, getting ready for PE or whatever your child finds tricky)

Whilst you want to take pressure off as much as possible, you also want to help your son, very gently and step by step to remain in some difficult situations. When you remove a child from a difficult situation (eg you avoid all toilets with noisy hand driers) then you re-inforce to the child that certain toilets are very scary.

With re assurance and just slowly practising difficult things, fear levels reduce and you support your child to achieve more skills.

The key definitely is to support and re assure though, never to push. Sometimes a chart can help if something needs to be done in a set time frame.

Break the task down and reward on the chart (gold star sticker) for each stage achieved.

Sometimes, because autistic children can be very literal, you can use that to your advantage so if you tell them you are giving them the gift of bravery they will believe they do have a magic brave power that allows them to move past the sticking point in a task.

** with regard to asking about his day after school - don't!!

This puts pressure on and so many parents bombard their kids with questions about school as soon as they get out the gate - even NT children don't like it.

You know that is a stress point so just keeping a routine of getting him home and letting him chill with a bit of screen time might be best.

It's natural you want to know how his school day went, but see if you can get a daily report from the teacher instead. Try a day without any questions to your son (autistic kids hate questions!!) Observe more. Talk less.