Loosing the will to live

cripps

I need someone to talk to I’m loosing the will to live, suicide is looking good and soon 

leannemich

Heyyyyy don’t think like that!
youre not alone and there’s a lot of people who feel like that, once you hit rock bottom the only way is up! I’m here for a chat. I’ve got all the time in the world  
xxx

cripps

Things are really bad, my life is a mess, even my health is terrible just can’t see a way out anymore. 

leannemich

cripps said:

Things are really bad, my life is a mess, even my health is terrible just can’t see a way out anymore. 

Do you not have any family that can come around and have a night in with you?
things may be really bad now but this time in a few weeks you’ll think what was I worrying about?
youre worth more than thinking like that xxx

cripps

I don’t have any friends or family, i live totally on my own ( well i do have a cat) I’ve been trying to sort a new home out for my cat 🐈. I’ve been at the bottom for a while now and i can’t find a way up. I have tried for 8 years to get somewhere but it just gets worse. I’ve got a social worker but she is totally useless and my careers just do there job, what i need is emotional needs and i don’t mean being locked up in a padded cell.

leannemich

Is there no local groups you can go to? Maybe ask your social worker and see what they say because usually they do  
theres also days out they can sort out for you too and you’ll be with other people, it will do you good!
When my nana passed away my grandad used to go on all different kinds of days out because he felt lonely and he used to really enjoy it! Please  don’t think people aren’t here to help you because they   xx

cripps

Thank you 😊 i really do need help and soon. 

leannemich

Maybe give your social worker a call and explain how you feel, tell them you feel alone and ask for different support groups that are available and day trips and they will point you in the right direction 😊 I’m always here for a chat too! Xx

cripps

Thanks i don’t know what to say, I’ve spoken to my social worker but she doesn’t really care or maybe understand how bad i feel. I’d like to chat, talking is a good thing, that’s what i miss most is talking to people , I know you mean well and i appropriate ever word but company would help me a lot.

cripps

I did tell my social worker i was going to kill my self but she didn’t seem to botherd. 

leannemich

Well she’s not a very good social worker just leaving that! Social worker or not if somebody says that means they need genuine help and support not just fobbing off! I wish I could help more than just talking over the internet xx

cripps

Don’t worry it’s nice to talk, if you have something else to do you go and do it, i don’t mind. 

leannemich

Don’t worry I can talk as much as you need me to ha ha! I don’t mind x

cripps

Ok then tell me all about yourself, 

loopyt

Hi Cripps,
Please don't feel that you are alone, keep posting and someone will reply. If you feel you need to talk to someone straight away please don't hesitate to call the Samaritans on 116 123. They will always help xx. Are you mobile at all? Could you visit the local animal sanctuary as a way of getting to meet people? If you are not getting any help from your social worker maybe someone can tell you on here if you can request a different person to be allocated? Xx

leannemich

I am 26, I have a rare genetic skin condition called Epidermolysis bullosa distrophic that causes blisters to my skin and usually have to be bandaged up (especially in this hot weather it’s a nightmare haha) its not very nice to live with but you just have to deal with it, it needs more awareness really but hey ho! I have two little girls that are 4 and 2 and they keep me on my toes (as much as they can when I can get about ha ha) what about you?  

cripps

I’m in a wheelchair and need help getting out but nobody is willing to take me out so I’m stuck and with no visitors it’s gets very lonely. I’ve come to the end with social workers there not what i expect when i took them on. I’ve not met a nice one yet all the nice people are on this forum. 🤗

cripps

Well I’m a middle aged man (53) in a wheelchair with one or two other problems. I’m still having treatment at other hospitals but the main problem is I’m on my own with no family. One good thing is i have a cat 🐈 which keeps me on my toes especially at 4 in the morning. I do have two little boys but i don’t see them because there mum is not very nice ( she left me when i got cancer because it was too much for her to take) . It’s nice to hear you have children there always nice to have a round and to hear how you cope puts me to shame your very brave and you’re right conditions like yours need more awareness. It’s nice for you to be on the forum  talking to me so i assume the children are in bed 🛏. ? 

loopyt

Are you able to contact your local age UK? I know you are a young man but they could put you in touch with someone local to you who could call you for a chat? It would be nice for you to make some contact locally. What area are you in? Have you explored Scopes help and support section? Keep making contact xx

cripps

I haven’t tried there support  section I’ll check it out tomorrow maybe they have something in the Cheshire area where i live, thanks. It be nice if there was something local i may not feel so insulted. 

leannemich

cripps said:

Well I’m a middle aged man (53) in a wheelchair with one or two other problems. I’m still having treatment at other hospitals but the main problem is I’m on my own with no family. One good thing is i have a cat 🐈 which keeps me on my toes especially at 4 in the morning. I do have two little boys but i don’t see them because there mum is not very nice ( she left me when i got cancer because it was too much for her to take) . It’s nice to hear you have children there always nice to have a round and to hear how you cope puts me to shame your very brave and you’re right conditions like yours need more awareness. It’s nice for you to be on the forum  talking to me so i assume the children are in bed 🛏. ? 

Oh that’s the same age as my mum 😁 and aw two little boys! I’m sure when they’re older they will realise it wasn’t you, cancer is a awful thing. My dad died of cancer when I was 7 it gets the best people!! 
We all deal with our conditions in different ways, I was born with EB so I’m used to it now, it hurts a lot but I have to plod on  
yes they’re in bed! They’re like two little whirlwinds ha ha x

justg72

Hi Crips
Really sorry to hear your feeling like this. I agree with leannemich your social worker is not supporting you at all. I would ring where the social worker is based and ask for a change, she should be giving you the support you need. Please dont give up you are better than that. I have 3 cats and they have helped me through my darkest times. One of mine knows when I am going to have a seizure before I do they are so intelligent. Heres a number which can help just for men called calm which is freephone 0800585858 they might be able to help and give you contact numbers for agencies for places to meet people. You mentioned you have no friends or family do you have any neighbours who could give you company. If you feel you can no longer longer look after your cat you could try this website https://www.catchat.org/index.php/cat-rescue-centres-cheshire. It says its based in Cheshire so they maybe able to help you. Cripps if you need people to talk, you can talk to me as well I will be glad to hear from you. If you feel like you need to talk I will be here as well. Take care x

debbiedo49

Try the Samaritans

debbiedo49

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/samaritans-free-call-helpline-number-faqs

debbiedo49

 https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/

loopyt

Hi Cripps, hope today is a better day for you? I do hope you are able to keep your cat xx please keep messaging everyone on here are a big help 

cripps

Morning everyone hope you’re feeling well today, to be honest my mood is pretty low so it’s not going to get better over night, I’ve just let my cat 🐈 in he’s been out all night and he’s off to bed. I myself have bits to do so I’ll keep busy and the sun is out here. 

gwen65

see you are not alone . change your social worker i had a absolute shambles of social worker for my son as soon as his new one arrived she's like a breath of fresh air gets things done has ideas about getting him to go out and also listens to his worries she an absolute star x

cripps

Sounds like you have a good one there, me unfortunately has one that doesn’t care just does what she has too and that’s that this is my second social worker so i don’t think they will let me change again. I’ll just put up with what I’ve got it’s not what i was hoping for but there’s not much else i can do. 

sue66

Cripps just keep chatting to us on hear, we are all hear for each other and def for you.   I definitely agree the first step is change your social worker, i am mortified that you told her how you felt and you didn't get the right response and the help you so clearly need. How could she just walk away.    You sure have had a rough deal and little support from anyone.  Maybe the Samaritans or age concern can put you in touch with someone. The number given for you which can help just for men called calm  sounds like it may be another good option. Just having a visitor or one person to take you out for even a drive would benefit you so much and i pray you will get a call soon. once you have rang these numbers. May i ask your christian name rather than call you cripps. Im Sue

cripps

Thank you you’re so kind, it’s seems everyone i chat to have best intentions and i really appreciate every word. If you like you can call me NEIL it probably better than cripps. I’ll call the number tomorrow and see if i can get any help because I’ve got to give it a go because as it stands it’s falling apart. I very much appreciate your post, if i may I’ll call you SUE. X

Yadnad

Social workers? we both gave up with that lot years ago!

They were supposed to offer help and arrange care for me when I was discharged from hospital. A total of 6 weeks worth of help/care was promised for my wife. Received zilch! My wife was at her wits end, trying to get me to eat food (after months of being fed by intravenous line in hospital), trying to get me to move around (after months in a hospital bed).

Then when things were at breaking point some years later through my health deteriorating we asked for help again. This time we both had an assessment and my wife was told that she would be given time off away from me to recover meeting other people in a similar situation. I was told that whilst she was away someone would pop in and check on me. Neither of us heard or saw anybody. Weeks later I telephoned them and was told that my case had been closed as I had received the help I needed???/ I put the phone down in disgust.

So now we have only ourselves to look to - to solve problems and plan our lives. You just get used to finding ways around the problems the best way that you can.
Ironically it has made me stronger in will and I now take responsibility for pushing myself to become a part of the general population.

So suggesting that Social Workers are the be all and end all is in my opinion a load of rubbish. 

cripps

Another thing that bothers me if you don’t mind me saying is the medication I’m on, I’m so addicted to it with the morphine and pregabin and so called other drugs i just can’t come off them I’ve been on these drugs for over 4 years now. I’ve spoken to my GP and consultants about this but they want take me off them because they say i need them, I’m sure with there potency they have a big say in how i feel and my moods . I know i need drugs for my day to day living but if there going to turn me into someone I’m not I’d rather not take them.

cripps

I’m glad I’m not on my own with social workers being a waste of space, thank for that it sounds daft but that’s put a smile on your face. 😊

Yadnad

cripps said:

Another thing that bothers me if you don’t mind me saying is the medication I’m on, I’m so addicted to it with the morphine and pregabin and so called other drugs i just can’t come off them I’ve been on these drugs for over 4 years now. I’ve spoken to my GP and consultants about this but they want take me off them because they say i need them, I’m sure with there potency they have a big say in how i feel and my moods . I know i need drugs for my day to day living but if there going to turn me into someone I’m not I’d rather not take them.

I know how you feel. I am supposed to take (as per the pain clinic/GP/psychiatrist) 10ml Oramorph every 4 hours, Sertraline 150mg every 12 hours, Morphine MST 90mg every 12 hours and Pregabalin 150mg every 12 hours.
I understand the symptoms you describe and it was because of that reason I saw my GP and told him that I wanted off the stuff. He tried to persuade me to keep on with them but I insisted. Eventually he relented and gradually reduced the dose to nil over a few months.
I am still in pain and suffer from PTSD, depression etc but my brain works again!!

Given the choice of feeling like a zombie or in pain with mental health difficulties  I chose the latter.

Sometimes the side effects  of the medication  can be worse than the symptoms of the condition that they are treating

cripps

I see where you’re coming from, the medication is a nightmare but as you Say it’s better to have a brain than none at all. I’ll speak to my GP once again and see what happens. 

Yadnad

Previously I was on a much higher level of anti psychotic and anti depressant medication including the dreaded Lithium. That was an awful period of my life, I attempted suicide twice (setting a derelict house on fire with me sat on the floor and riding my motorbike at 4am looking for a decent wall to crash into). For both of those my wife alerted the local police who found me and took me with them to the police station. For those two I was sectioned. It was when my physical health then failed that put me in hospital for months, weeks on end in HDU that I found the easiest way out. I refused all food and liquid. Eventually I was fed through a tube into my neck and hydrated via an IV. I just gave up. Even the consultant on one of his rounds told the nursing staff that if I was left like this I would be dead in weeks and for that reason I must be discharged to go home. The  nursing staff refused to comply but the consultant forced the issue. That was when I was supposed to have a minimum of 6 weeks of care etc via Social Services which never happened.

So I too have been through it - you are not on your own. All I did was find just one positive thing I wanted to do and concentrated to try to take my life back. It need not be a big step, as long as it is a step in the right direction.

My first step was to eat something. My wife tried everything to tempt me eventually finding the one thing I eat - a toasted bacon sandwich!! The first bite of food for many months.

Money was extremely tight as both my DLA award and IIDB had been terminated due to not sending back the completed review forms whilst I lay in the hospital - this was in early 2004. It took me a further 7 years (2011) to gather the strength (both physical and mental) to re-apply for both benefits. So for those 7 years we lost a lot of income which had to be put on the credit card.
Ironically for the IIDB one, the DWP actually agreed to backdate the award to when it stopped but because I failed to appeal against the determination to suspend/cancel the award in 2004 they said that they could not make the 7 years of back payments (£20,000+).

cripps

I can very much understand your feelings because I’m running out of options of what to do, I’ll stick it out as long as i can but i do need help with what’s going on with my thinking 🤔, not sure if it’s the medication or me but need someone to talk this through before it’s too late. 😩

Yadnad

The reason for my lengthy postings is trying to show that you are not alone in the way you are thinking. I got through it without any real help. You must not think that life is not important - it is important. And believe me there are many people out there that are in a much worse place than you or I are - think yourself lucky that people do actually care.

Take care

cripps

I take that as a telling off!!!! I know there’s a lot of people in a worse place but I’ve just had enough of fighting just to have a life because every which way i turn there’s a wall of muck. Sorry to be on a downer on such a lovely day but I’m just being honest. I love 💕 the way people care and i love chatting but all I’m asking is to talk to someone to see if they can help, I’ve tried with everyone i know but they just turn their back. 

cripps

so If we’re talking honestly that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s about time i did because I’ve lied to others in the past with me saying I’m fine when clearly i wasn’t and that’s why I’m where i am. 

Yadnad

You're at the turning point with that statement!! Yes I am trying to get you to 'smell the coffee'. I became a very good liar when asked about how I felt at the time. especially with the medical professionals. 'It's not me that's mad, it's the rest of the blooming world that is!'
My advice - go see your GP and tell him/her that you are reaching out for help where in the past you were in the denial stage.
If not, go onto your council website and look for a Councillor close to you. Ring him/her up tomorrow and ask for a chat at your home. Tell him/her that you want help but have no idea of how to ask for it.
I honestly don't know any Councillor that would not come round to see you. You will be surprised how knowledgeable the person will be. I do it for my residents!

cripps

Ok thanks I’ll try it and maybe after all the phone calls i do someone may bite the bullet and help. One thing i haven’t mentioned is I’m at the hospital tomorrow to see if they can help with my bladder that gave up a long time ago when i first had cancer, do you think 🤔 i should say anything to them about how i feel or what for a counciler? 

Yadnad

What would I do at the stage you are at? If at the hospital you feel comfortable with the person who is seeing you just tell than that you need help for other things. They will ask what other things then you can say what you feel like saying. They may just tell you to go see your GP. Saying that means that they have taken ownership of what you have said and have suggested a way forward for you. As for a Councillor just tell them that you feel awkward in opening up about a health problem. Tell them as little or as much as you feel comfortable with. They too will make a suggestion as to the way forward. If it was me, I would be proactive and suggest that if you want to I would go with you to provide moral support.

cripps

I understand i just need to find someone i can trust and move forward. 

Yadnad

Yes that's right. Just go by your instincts. 

sue66

cripps said:

Thank you you’re so kind, it’s seems everyone i chat to have best intentions and i really appreciate every word. If you like you can call me NEIL it probably better than cripps. I’ll call the number tomorrow and see if i can get any help because I’ve got to give it a go because as it stands it’s falling apart. I very much appreciate your post, if i may I’ll call you SUE. X

Yes Neil of course you may call me Sue, let us know how it all goes for you wont you. I have been so depressed i once stuck my head in a gas oven.! Severe post natal depression but that was like 49 yrs ago now. Back then no mobile phones, no home phone, cut off an isolated.  You have been given some real good helpful advice hear,  We all need to feel that someone just cares enough to reach out but they cant if they dont know.   Your social worker let you down miserably, if she didn't feel she could help then should have put you in touch with some one who could. Im sure this time next month things will be looking up for you. 
Sue 

RainbowEyes

Cripps, I know right now you probably feel like there's no one out there who can help you and that you have run out of options, but I promise you there IS help out, and people DO care. As difficult as it is you need to keep trying, and have shed loads of patience. I found myself in a similar position to you. Feeling like the 'professionals' were just there to earn money rather than actually proactively help, but eventually you WILL find someone who you click with who will be able to help you. A good place to start is your gp. Can you ring your surgery and say you need to speak to your doctor? Sometimes you can leave a message for your doctor and they phone you back later in the day, or some have 'morning surgery' where you show up and just wait. You need to explain to them how you're feeling about everything. They may suggest going on antidepressants. Are you currently taking any? In the mean time a great place to look is charities. On many occasions when I've felt overwhelmed and need to just 'off load' I've emailed the samaritans. [email protected] You can email any time and they get back to you in a few days. If you want to talk to someone immediately call 116113. You can phone any time day or night. It's also worth looking up any groups/support near you. Do a google search for 'disabled people [your county]' or 'support [your county]'. If you have a samaritans office near you you can always drop in there and have a face-to-face chat with them. I've used them when I've felt really low and found I left feeling a little lighter. They may even be able to point you in the direction of other services.

Your everyday activities etc can also help. I know when you're depressed you don't feel like doing much, but having a bit of structure to your day can help. I like to plan my day the night before so I know I won't have too much time to just sit around and mull over my anxieties. I can appreciate it's hard to get out sometimes with a disability, but there are activities you can do at home too. I find if I just give in to the depression and don't eat and lay in bed all day my mind is so much worse. Have regular meal times and schedule activities to do in between. Distraction can help. Cross words, arrow words, films, writing, reading a novel. There are even websites that link up pen pals, so you could receive regular contact from someone who could become a friend. Just do a google search for 'penpal finder'. 

I know things seem difficult and feel like you're getting nowhere sometimes, but I believe if you push on you WILL see improvements. Stay strong. You can do this!

cripps

Hi sue i certainly hope so i want to get to next month so that’s why I’m asking for help now. I’m sorry to hear you went through a really bad patch but glad to hear you’re back and up and running 🏃‍♀️ But the big question is is why is it people like myself that’s not just disabled but also with mental health issues. It’s all one big roller coaster ride until you fall off and make room for the next person. The thing is the authorities know this but don’t help and don’t show themselves until it’s too late!!!! 

cripps

Well I’m back to my roots tomorrow Knutsford Hospital to see if they can sort my bladder out, good luck to them because nobody else has been able to. Maybe I’ll look my ex wife up that ran off when i got cancer, give her a shock to see me still around. 👋hi

debbiedo49

@cripps it sounds to me like you may not be on the best meds for you. I would ask for a review of meds. It’s hard to get the balance right. Plus there should be out of hours services or crisis lines where you live who can give you the correcf advice for you and your conditions. Good luck 

cripps

Thank you I’ll have a chat with someone tomorrow because these meds will kill me. 

cripps

I’ve never tried antidepressants before, they have been offered but I’ve always tried to avoid them, maybe it’s time to rethink my options. 

debbiedo49

Good for you. Lots of people take them and they can make a big difference . 

cripps

Do you take them yourself? 

debbiedo49

Yes but I don’t want to talk bout it here it’s private . Thanks 

cripps

Ok sorry i was just asking 🤭

cripps

I didn’t mean anything by it. 

debbiedo49

That’s okay you can message me if you want more details 

cripps

I’d like to but i don’t want to pry into something that’s personal, it’s yours if you want to keep it that way 

debbiedo49

It’s okay the wall is public so people should be careful what they write that’s all

cripps

Very true in fact that’s the end of that conversation , let’s talk about something else. 

Sam_Alumni

Hi @cripps
Im sorry to hear you have been feeling down again, it's good to see so many responses from members and it is good to hear you sounding a little brighter in more recent posts.

As we have said before, if you feel you can't keep yourself safe right now, seek immediate help.

• go to any hospital A&E department (sometimes known as the emergency department)
• call 999 and ask for an ambulance if you can't get to A&E
• ask someone else to contact 999 for you or take you to A&E immediately

If you need some support right now, but don't want to go to A&E, here are some other options for you to try:

• contact the Samaritans on freephone 116 123, they're open 24 hours and are there to listen
• contact your GP for an emergency appointment or the out of hours team
• call NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (Wales)
• contact your local crisis team
• click the  'I need urgent help' button
• see the page on helping yourself cope right now, and on crisis services.

cripps

Hi 👋 sam to be honest I’ve come to the end now it’s sad and a waste but i can’t do this anymore to many people interfering in my life, i haven’t got a life my life ended a long time ago. 

RainbowEyes

Cripps, you're really not alone, there are people out there who genuinely care and I'm confident if you keep searching you'll find them. I know right now finding inner strength seems impossible, but I want you to dig deep and scrape that final bit of will to live and make a phonecall. To the samaritans, to any mentalhealth helpline. You can do this Cripps!

cripps

Thanks for your support but I’m not sure if i want to make a phone call. My social worker knows everything and even my GP but they haven’t done anything so to be honest if they don’t care then that’s it. I’ve got a couple of weeks to make the decision so I’ll roll it round my head for a while, I’m about 90% to ending it but you never know what’s around the corner. 

sue66

cripps said:

Thanks for your support but I’m not sure if i want to make a phone call. My social worker knows everything and even my GP but they haven’t done anything so to be honest if they don’t care then that’s it. I’ve got a couple of weeks to make the decision so I’ll roll it round my head for a while, I’m about 90% to ending it but you never know what’s around the corner. 

Neil its Sue again. no you don't know whats around that corner. Give it a month not a couple of weeks.  Not prying but you mention bladder problems as well. I know from experience just this alone is enough to make one feel extremely uncomfortable and miserable too. Presume your being thoroughly checked out and hope your not suffering from any sort of infection, i know these can be very painful. (not expecting an answer to this one) 
 As to making another phone call, ok your not getting any wheres with social workers or GP so why not give one of the other numbers a go, this may well be what you need, to talk to someone who has the time to listen and actually help you.  This move may take you to another level around that corner which you so rightfully deserve and need.  so don't roll it around in your head for to long Neil.
Sue 

cripps

Hi sue hope you’re doing well? The problem with my bladder is that it doesn’t work anymore and my stomach is giving up so i have to food through a tube, as well as that my bowl doesn’t work and the pain has just gone through the roof. I just feel like my body is giving up on me. The cancer just destroyed any life i had because what I’ve got now is worthless. Sorry to sound miserable 😩 but I’m finding really hard. 

cripps

And please call me Neil it sounds a lot better than cripps.🤪

sam12

We won't be able to eat or anything bills rising up food etc we all be trapped in our homes . Serious action need prompting to mp

sam12

Well if  lose mine am goin to starve myself was don't cover much 

sam12

Esa 

Pippa_Alumni

Hi @sam12, how are you doing today? As mentioned on your other post, please take care of yourself and if you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. You can call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]. 

If there's anything we can help or support you with in terms of your ESA application, please do let us know. It can feel like a really daunting process but even if the outcome isn't what you're hoping for, there are ways to appeal the decision and ensure you're getting the correct award.

sam12

Worried about  pip. And my bf phns been off am worried he had a heart attack  he already had a stroke

sam12

cripps said:

I need someone to talk to I’m loosing the will to live, suicide is looking good and soon