Tell me a joke!

Adrian_Scope

In honour of National Tell a Joke Day, we want you to tell us your best/worst/favourite jokes.
Please remember to keep them suitable for the community. 

To get you all started:

What's the best thing about Switzerland?*
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

*Joke shamelessly stolen from @Sam_Scope

Ami2301

Yeah....my joke I made isn't suitable for the community ?

Adrian_Scope

Then I shall expect it emailed into the community inbox for ...uh ... moderation.

Sam_Alumni

What does the mexican nosy pepper do? 

Gets jalapeno business

Sam_Alumni

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a whisky and .............. coke. 

Why the big pause? asks the barman. 

The bear says 'Im not sure, I was born with them'

pollyanna1052

what do seaside donkeys have for lunch?

Adrian_Scope

I don't know, what do seaside donkeys have for lunch?

GettinOlde

Sam_Scope said:

What does the mexican nosy pepper do? 

Gets jalapeno business

Over my head - you'll have to explain. ❓

GettinOlde

Adrian_Scope said:

What's the best thing about Switzerland?*
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

Boo! ??? ?

Richard_Scope

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty nuts.

Richard_Scope

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the loo could spell disaster

Ami2301

I will send it over in a moment ?

@GettinOlde all up in yo sounds like jalapeno 

@Richard_Scope I was worried where your second joke was going after reading your first joke ?

GettinOlde

Richard_Scope said:

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the loo could spell disaster

Ouchie or Pebbled[ash] ?

GettinOlde

Ami2301 said:

@GettinOlde all up in yo sounds like jalapeno

Yeah, I was playing with the syllables but couldn't make it sound right - hal-ap-en-yo -but I get it now, "all up in your business".

wilko

Paddy’s neighbours dog was barking in their back yard all evening.
Paddy and his wife went to bed and the dog was still barking. Right said Paddy I’ve had enough, he goes down stairs, be carful his wife shouted. Ten minutes later Paddy returned to the bedroom, his wife said I can still hear the dog barking what did you do.Paddy sat up in bed and said to his wife, I put the dog in our backyard and see how they like hearing a dog barking in our yard

thespiceman

Hello  @Adrian_Scope   Like this thank you for a cold wet day freezing where I am.  Need an uplift to the evening.

Few jokes and now are you  sitting comfortably a few stories to amuse and titillate  .   

A piece of string walks into a bar asks the barman for a drink no do not serve drinks to string.

Walks out second piece of string walks into a bar are you a piece of string no I am afraid not. 

Penguin walks into a bar showing every one a photo nodding his head in dismay . Comes to me have you seen my brother? . What does he look like ?

As you probably did not know used to buy and sell things. So one day asked to go to a village on a call out. Met a very elderly lady at her home. In the Yorkshire dales.

Two dogs scampering to meet me at the front door as I knocked. Entered her home very pleasant offered me tea.

Poured a nice cup of tea and some biscuits on a plate on the coffee table. 

Gone a while these biscuits scrummy.  Very nice lovely.  When she came back shock horror where are the biscuits. Sorry I have eaten them no there not for you for the dogs.

Went to this house frequented by an elderly couple who were very emotional when I arrived.  Sorry to hear your upset do want me to leave.?

No it alright our two dogs had died last few days we have had  them a long time.  A  gent in the village is a taxidermist . Oh that is nice I remarked. Are you going to get them mounted.? No love just side by side.  Will do.

So it is a hot sticky day in Sunderland I just taken charge of my new mobile phone. It was the Eighties had one with an aerial and rather snazzy.

So arrived at this block of flats near Roker park no lifts working to visit this lady.

Arrived sweating and tired got the door she opened it rather petite old lady. The heat hit me straight away being July had the heating on.

Got into this little hallway locked the front door after me. Then into another room locking that one as well.

So here I am in a front room of sorts all alone with her. I answered meekly. Do you live alone.?

No I am getting married soon. Oh that is nice when?. Well all it takes is the wrong number.

Buttocks clenched suddenly taken keen interest in me.  Trying to steer me into no mans land. If you get my drift.

I am a polite gent. 

Suddenly thought my mobile phone in my sweating jacket pocket. Guarantee you pressed every button on that thing, bleeps, whistles going off.

Sorry that is the call on my mobile.  Have to go. Sorry just as we were getting acquainted she uttered.

Forget about the lift not working never ran so fast to get out not every day you have an encounter with over sexed seventy or maybe older.

My grandma was a widow often went with us on Holiday. Had an annual season ticket for funerals. .

My grandma looking through obituary columns disappeared off to complete strangers funerals.

Apparently on the hunt for another husband. Well she quipped where else can I meet gentlemen of my age.

Only found out one evening when she had too much sherry came back all in bits and pieces.  

Started talking about it.  Mention the last one was awful still had the crusts on the sandwiches and they used white bread the buffet terrible. I mean who serves crisps and nuts.

I meekly asked not any one catch on well love no really just never asked at all.

Besides she sniffed it was a lovely service.  Lots of gentlemen there besides she said it saves time putting an ad in the paper.

Used to go on dates a lot of them at one time. Had so many dates had a contract with Holland and Barrett.

In fact one time went to meet the girl I was meeting at a restaurant. We introduced each other. I said to her they do an  al a carte menu . Sorry she whispered do not want a cart do not we get a plate . To eat off.

She ended up with two knives for her ice cream.

So I arrived to meet my date for the evening. Where we going she asked?. Do you like Scampi ?. Oh I love that Disney film.

I am so unlucky in love once put an ad in the paper. You know Own teeth and hair. GSOH dresses well the attributes the hobbies and interests.

Got one reply my Mother.

I am so unlucky in love once won a years supply of After Eight Mints going to give them to my girlfriend  they all melted before Quarter to Eight.

I once went a date with a girl who was just continuing talking me getting no where talking and talking she was. Had and hated everything about her self. The food the restaurant the car the job as she had as well. I hate this dress.

I should be in something blue and over flowing  she hollered. I replied back how about the North Sea.

If you run hard I uttered you be able to catch the evening tide.

Got up and stormed out.  I quipped I hope she does not get a sore throat have to go around just to see if it is quiet. 

Take care.

@thespiceman

Ami2301

Oh @thespiceman you do make me chuckle ?

wilko

Our parish was celebrating 50 of being ordained a priest so we ha a low key service to mark the occasion.
Just before the final prayer and blessing he said I’ll leave you with a smile on your faces.
A Rabi and a priest where flying back to the UK sat next to each other reading their books. The Priest stopped reading and ask the Rabi can I ask you a question. Yes of course you can what is it. The priest asked is it right you lot still can’t eat pork? The Rabi replied yes we can’t eat pork that’s the rules. After a pause the priest asked have you ever been tempted, the Rabi said yes I was at a wedding stuffing this meat down my throat like no tomorrow and a gentleman said that’s not chicken it’s pork, well I couldn’t tell the difference. After a long pause the Rabi looked at priest and said can I ask you something, yes of course you can. The Rabi started is it right when you become a priest you have to remain celibate, yes that correct when we take the vows of Holy orders we promise to remain celibate. The Rabi paused then asked the priest have you ever been tempted. Well said the priest in my first parish there was an attractive house keeper. Pausing for a while the Rabi said looking at the priest, it was better than pork wasn’t it. 

During the celebration afterwards to mums where serving serving the deserts and one said to the other my eleven year son , said I don’t get that joke mum explain. 

GettinOlde

@thespiceman

A frayed knot. ??

GettinOlde

A one-armed man walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

As he reached for his glass his empty sleeve, which had been tucked into his jacket pocket, came free and dipped in another punter's drink.

" Hey, be careful!", said the punter.

"Why?", said the one-armed man, "There's no arm in it."

GettinOlde

wilko said:

it was better than pork wasn’t it.

And the cannibalistic witch-doctor said, "I wouldn't know, I've never tasted housekeeper" ?