Tell me a joke!

24

Comments

  • GettinOlde
    GettinOlde Community member Posts: 495 Empowering
    Paddy jumped from the roof of the building he was working on and fell to his death.
    "Why'd paddy do that?", said one friend to another.
    "To be sure, his uncle told him he flew Wellingtons during the war."
  • pollyanna1052
    pollyanna1052 Community member Posts: 2,016 Championing
    answer to my question;

    half an hour!
  • GettinOlde
    GettinOlde Community member Posts: 495 Empowering
    answer to my question;

    half an hour!
    Oh, not carrot sandwiches then❓?

  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,283 Championing
    edited August 2019
    Elephants do not eat Penguins can not get the wrappers off.

    I was on an aeroplane with an elephant , knew he was  an elephant carrying his own trunk.

    I like parties lots of Mushrooms there last one yes there were Fun guys, (Funghi's)

    One another party was at a fancy dress one. Guy turned up with a naked woman on his back.

    Who are you I asked I am dressed as a Turtle who is the naked woman that is Michelle  (my shell)

    Went to the latest medical check up.  The Doctor said to me want you take all your clothes off and go in the corner on all fours.

    Is this part of the medical no just getting a coffee table tomorrow see if it fits in the corner.

    He asked to stand up you need to diet .  (dye it ) What colour?

    He gave me a container from a drawer want to fill that give me a specimen . What from here ?

    All my favourite Doctor jokes. Guy comes in I am a pair of curtains. Doctor pull yourself together.

    This man turns up I am acting like a dog. Sit down tell me all about it.  I can't not allowed on the furniture.

    This old man arrived at the Doctors a bit nervous I am concerned . He said marrying some one much younger than my self.  So he gave him a check up.

    The old man enquired just worried my wife might be on her own all the time.  What do you suggest?  Why not get her a friend her own age. Because the old man my time of life . Can not expect me to go out .  

    Be nice for her to have some one who can share similar hobbies and interests.

    Two weeks go by sees the Old man and his wife.  With a smile the Old man says my wife is expecting great.  Please can I ask about the friend yes guess what she pregnant too.

    Love little lad jokes. Little lad comes running in to see Grandad .

    Grandad, Grandad can you do an impression of a frog ?. Why son?

    Just when you croak were off to Florida .

    Little lad in the park with his Mother. Sees two dogs doing what dogs do. Mammy what are they doing?.

    Well the one underneath is blind the one on top pushing him around so he does not bump in to the trees and bushes.









  • pollyanna1052
    pollyanna1052 Community member Posts: 2,016 Championing
    Little lad keeps asking his parents for a bike...they continually say no.

    One day, little lad says to his mum, `Go upstairs, get into bed, I`ll be up in a minute. We`re going to play Mums and Dads`.

    Mum goes upstairs wondering what he can mean.

    Little lad arrives and says `Right, let`s have this talk about getting our lad a bike`!
  • GettinOlde
    GettinOlde Community member Posts: 495 Empowering
    I hear Scope's introducing a new helpline ...
    Scopeaholics Anonymous


  • OverlyAnxious
    OverlyAnxious Community member Posts: 3,087 Championing
    I went to the library looking for a book on turtles last week.

    Librarian asked "hardback?"

    "Yeah, with little heads", I replied. ;)
  • Pete2
    Pete2 Community member Posts: 86 Empowering
    A man walks into a bar........ouch
  • Pete2
    Pete2 Community member Posts: 86 Empowering
    A man walks into a hardware store and asks for 12 bees, the store keep counts them 1.2.3.....12 then 13....i only asked for 12 bees said the man, ah but says the store keep this ones a freebee.
  • Pete2
    Pete2 Community member Posts: 86 Empowering
    A white horse trotted into a bar..........ouch

  • wilko
    wilko Community member Posts: 2,439 Championing
    Another joke from our parish priest.
    The town council in Killarney,  Southern  Ireland where concerned about the lack of tourist so they called a special meeting to discuss the matter. The council chamber was full and the chairman spoke of the councils concerns and the reason for the special meeting.  The chairman then invited ideas and comments from the members. The member raised his hand,  when I took my wife to Venice the Gondolas  where very popular. Very good said the chairman any more ideas. Another hand raised up, we could have them on the lake in the summer. That’s the sprit we are getting some good ideas now. After a long pause and quite, the chairman asked, come on now there must be more ideas surly. Again a pause then a had rose slowly, come don’t be shy. It’s all right having the Gondolas on the lake in the summer but who’s going to feed them in the winter.
  • pollyanna1052
    pollyanna1052 Community member Posts: 2,016 Championing
    who says this

    quark quark

    a posh duck!
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,283 Championing
    edited August 2019
    A duck wanders into a restaurant chooses everything on the menu.

    The waiter enquired how will the duck pay.  

    It is OK the duck replied put it on my bill.  
  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,648 Cerebral Palsy Network
    To continue the duck theme:

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

  • pollyanna1052
    pollyanna1052 Community member Posts: 2,016 Championing
    duh!
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,644 Online Community Programme Lead
    Some great ones here. You've all definitely perked up my Monday.
  • GettinOlde
    GettinOlde Community member Posts: 495 Empowering
    duh!
    Nope - that would be duhk! ?

  • GettinOlde
    GettinOlde Community member Posts: 495 Empowering
    Free the bread !!!
  • GettinOlde
    GettinOlde Community member Posts: 495 Empowering
    How do you address a titled drake?