Tell me a joke!

pollyanna1052

Sir

Richard_Scope

I have a joke about fish and herbs.

But now is not the thyme or the plaice.

GettinOlde

pollyanna1052 said:

Sir

Nope.

How do you address a titled drake?

M'lard 

GettinOlde

Richard_Scope said:

I have a joke about fish and herbs.

But now is not the thyme or the plaice.

Careful with the foodie jokes or @thespiceman might come and salt you out. ?

thespiceman

  Hello  @Adrian_Scope    A few more stories .  Around my Parents. Those life and attitudes were often naïve and had no idea of modern living.

Technology and everything about it clueless.

Those of the days of new inventions and ideas.

We once got a cooker with a timer.  My Mother used to mess up meal times. Often been awoken to have our evening meal for breakfast.

The days of space technology.  Do you want your meal early? . The shuttlecocks taking off.

Means Space Shuttle.

Once persuaded my Parents whose attitude to going abroad was a ordeal had and since did not wish to travel. My Father especially.

Must share my Mother used to lie constantly about travelling and any where she had been. At a Party announced to every one been to Monte Carlo.

A party member came to me your Mothers marvellous been to Monte Carlo.  Never must have been a long time ago.

I would not say the plane was old.  Glenn Miller lunch was on the back seat and she sat near the rear gunner.

Another part I heard her being asked. Have you been to Greece. Well yes.  Did you have The Shish Kebabs ?. My Mother said straight away as soon as we got off the plane. Up all night with them.

So Channel Islands beckons much persuasion after purchasing a loads of travel magazines and brochures. Every country had a fault.

Mentioned Germany. They bombed our hen house in 1942 . Never forgive them for that.

So we arrived at the airport. All of us had got on board except my Mother no where to be seen. Next moment a security announcement. A breach of security.

We will be delayed by the next ten minutes and it went on. I sat next to a smartly dressed business man have to be going to St Helier have to be in by evening.

Then she appeared my Mother flustered. As I asked no reply very quiet and said nothing as he was escorted to the back of the plane. Off we went.

Next moment hear can you pass this please. As this voice booming out to every one. I got a tap on my shoulder. To be met with a stinking, smelly, tuna and mayonnaise sandwich.

She had bought food on board.  I said no thanks as my lunch was being presented by the stewardess. Could hear my Mother saying Oh did not know you serve food on board bought my own.

By the way I said no to the sandwich as it was passed back to my Mother shouting in this very small plane. Much to the annoyance of all the passengers.

On landing we suddenly realised she was the security breach and had searched her and the sandwiches.

She quipped disgusting poked and prodded every where plus tested all these sandwiches. Think I am some sort of drug courier.

Me a member of a Parish Council.

As my fellow passenger remarked when he heard what has happened. Madam all drug couriers come in all sorts and shapes and sizes.

She mouth agape.

Have many more .

@thespiceman

thespiceman

Hello @GettinOlde Got lots of those.

Did my first meal when I was young Beans on Toast took me half a hour to get the beans out of the toaster.

Which Herb is an Rock and Roller

Elvis Parsley

I had a friend who bought a microwave. Did not read the instructions, rang me one night.  Meals are not being cooked.

All raw.  So I went around and this burning smell filled the kitchen.

He had only put the box in a set a time.  Scorched boxes lay on the unit.

I could not believe this.  Removed the box showed him the instructions. 

This is what you do remove from the box the contents. Piece the clingfilm  and set the time according to the box.

Oh well I did know that he quipped.

Who I am to argue.

@thespiceman

M_Anthony

A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks why such the long face?

thespiceman

All the toilets seats have been stolen from my local Police station.

The Police have nothing to go on.

Chloe_Alumni

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

thespiceman

I used to be teachers pet at school.  Kept in a cage at the back of the class.

Ails

A man goes to the doctor's.  "Doctor I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones.  Is that normal?"  Doctor replies, "well it's not unusual".   

thespiceman

Hello @Ails   Love all the Doctor jokes like that one thanks very much.

Man goes to the Doctors can you help feel like a pack of cards.  Doctors said I will deal with you later.

Doctor , Doctor man rushing in can you help me out. Why which way did you come in.?

@thespiceman

Chloe_Alumni

@Ails... I now have Tom Jones songs in my head! 

Ails

Haha @Chloe_Scope, you can't beat a bit of Tom!  

Chloe_Alumni

Very true @Ails!! 

M_Anthony

What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

Geoark

I decided to get with the modern age and took inspiration from Will.I.Am, sadly Ge.Or.Ge did not work so well.

thespiceman

I lived in a small village very quaint and very much old fashioned.  Lots of places had the new take outs.

We had a bring it back.

The local pharmacy, chemist store plus any thing else it sold was run by two old ladies.

I went in one time what can you give an over sexed teenager. 

Reply came back a rent free room for a year and a third of the business.

They employed an attractive female assistant bit embarrassing going in asking for as you do at that age of teenager. I used to come away with tooth brushes.

I never used to kiss girls just clean their teeth.

One girl said to me once kiss me somewhere different so I took her to Seaton Carew.  Lovely fish and chips.

A few one lines to amuse the start of the day.

Adrian_Scope

Thanks guys. This thread is always good for a chuckle.

thespiceman

My father was useless at D.I. Y. went in to a home he was renovating wow the ceilings are high.

Yes your Mother wanted two rooms knocked into one.

Kept changing all the windows replacing the glass till he realised he had a crack in his glasses he was wearing.

Used to do painting at home.  On the list to do jobs.  Watch out we used to have to . Anything that moved was covered in paint.

Even our black cat ended up like a zebra.

Only came into for something to eat.

Imagine trying to catch a cat covered in paint exhausting.

You could tell where it had been all over the garden and any where else . Tell tail signs of white paint on every tree or bush.

Like that made a pun out of one line tell tail .