Mental health

So feeling pretty broken hope don't mind me expressing here I had a relationship with someone that ended up more friendship over last ten years he comes at weekends mentally I've been to the floor crying alot but try not to do in front of people I always act like I'm in control masking and I've been masking around him for 10 years exhausting last few months I've been unable to and I seen a side of him today that's shocked me beyond words I broke completely it started that I had my purds ashes in my wardrobe my dog who passed four years ago and I looked at them as I haven't been able to even touch them he started saying why have you them shows how much we communicate! I said stop being so disrespectful that's her ashes I've only been able to think of a shrine obviously that brought up pain of losing her so I broke he just sat there did noting anyways he did say I wasn't normal miserable all the time and alot more feeling extremely drained upset tired he said he will never come again I actually thought the most he cared about me as a person it's going to hurt feel panicky so sad I thought he had my back at least sorry needed to talk to someone

It's good that you're aware of that though, @Catherine21. And sometimes we can't help being this way, it's like protection to us. Remember, you've got a community here if you need us.

I get that like I'm in a bubble misty it's weird migraines are very debilitating stay in a dark room I hope it eases soon

I've been in a bubble for so long protecting myself from the outside world I honestly got myself in so much trouble and just can't do people so without being really aware I was mimicking what I thought would be acceptable when I first met him was awful for me to meet people can't do eye contact long conversation just the feeling of wanting to escape he really persistent and used to joke not in a horrible way he'd say look at me not the wall or the floor if he could see I was uncomfortable he never pushed me I was awful tried everything to push him away I have body dismorphia and is so hard to not mask I'm constantly worried I feel I look like a freak and many other things rewind many years of my bubble and the front door shut and allowing two days a week he's put up with alot tbh he wanted to move in a long time ago I just couldn't and with labour and all that's happening has made me look at myself and how painful life really is and how would I cope again I'm the outside world I've been constantly crying even having outburst just all over the place I know I could drive anyone's patience so like us all it's been a year of hell and I can see after talking to my daughter I've been a nightmare one minute up then down I'm extremely sensitive and seeing psychiatrists she's brought my whole life back to age of three left me wounded sorry going on so he's not a bad person I'm just broken and it hurts knowing I just can't do what people do holidays families even photos not one photo ten years I think the flood gates opened and the persona I created isn't real some of her is but I never show the vunerable side and I did and felt very rejected I've got alot of work to do but no energy it's not I'm lazy for work it's people being around people I can't explain gosh I go on thanks bluebell you have a wonderful way of breaking things down and are extremely caring I appreciate you