How is your day going?

i had a so so day. at times was ok but also i had been very jumpy. my anxiety is really bad. i went to the oriental shop and bought some food, noodles etc.. .. and now i a m at home. i am not sure what to do to be honest. i am always got that feeling of being scared and it does not stop. i am really tired of this… everyday is the same and the prospects for recovery very slim. i rather do not think about it. i hope you have a good evening… and night. i still did not have the courage to write down a message in my journal about that deduction. i probably ill try to do it tomorrow. but it is very hard for me to find the courage to do almost anything. it takes take and loads of willpower to do things, i just rather feel like being in bed with all blinds on. as dark as possible and stay there. rather bleak….. the future is.

I am rather angry with myself. I really hate myself when I misplace stuff. My memory is so bad and this was a shopping list. Now I probably will have to be in the place walking around until I remember the stuff I wrote down. Fact chance. I am sure I did not throw it away . I might never find that list. Hence the reason I really have to tidy up. Anyway I will try to forget about it as it really angers me on how useless I am.. it was an IKEA list. I know it was not big stuff a couple of things the rest is good I think. It is silly but for me Is a mountain. Only people with anxiety knows the feeling . I can not help it..

Fascinating; I always knew of the Scottish ancestry from my mum telling me. Funnily enough, I always felt a strong affinity with Scotland and Northern Ireland too (including the old music so when hearing it felt I knew it /heard it before). It was only when I sent off my DNA test (for Ancestry hobby) that I had links to both and something like 33% Ashkenazian Jew which is from my maternal grandfather who came to Scotland from Poland.

I should rejoin the ancestry thing again. I only really stopped as my sisters would say don't tell me/not interested. But also didn't know how to link up to the different country's Registers to properly delve into it but there must be a way!

Your other post (from The Guardian) re ME/CFS genetic link, reminded me of this as I recall reading something once about the DNA having memory, not sure I really understood it tbh but would be interesting to explore it again.

I'm sadly estranged from my sisters but I can always come here to bore everyone 😴 🤣🤣🤣 or create an Ancestry thread once I actually know something!

I'm really sorry to hear that Ranald. It's a source of great angst to me and sadness and I'm still working on accepting that after we last spoke on 7th January 2024. I would never make contact but if either of them turned up here it would be the happiest day to me. They won't (ones even moved home/I don't know to where so she obviously doesn't want contact 😪). Some things can't be fixed I've come to realise. If their life is better without me in it then so be it. No judgement/criticism from my dogs who are my world so I've a lot to be grateful for too!

Its dull, a bit of rain and wind out there but I'm going out this afternoon to meet friends who I meet every Thursday.

I woke up at 2 and 5