How is your day going?

Thank You 💚

I’m really struggling to keep my head above water, I’ve really abused my finances the past week by just ordering take away everyday of which I’m ashamed of. I have neglected to do any cleaning in the flat alongside neglecting my personal care to which I’m disgusted at. I guess living alone with nobody to talk to, have that someone there who you had a connection with and could just have a hug off them and say it will be alright is just brutal and hard for me to get over. I’m not only carrying the weight of no longer speaking to or seeing my family for ten years, but just carrying them in my heart and mind, alongside severing all ties with friends just due to being the one to reach out and ask how they are doing, instead of them turning around knowing how s**t I’m doing and saying everything ok with you? Living on my own for the last 11 months has been lonely, dark, brutal, cold and a rollercoaster.

I’m just being mindful of what I say so as not to breach rules and regs.

Private Counselling won’t touch me due to the complex nature of my mental health and the physical health conditions I have going on. Two days later a junior dr at the CMHT game me outdated advice on an autism place that’s long been closed down.

I got asked recently if I have a Support Worker which I don’t, plus I couldn’t afford to pay for one and I doubt social services would event do anything.

It’s hard for me to put things into words or get my point across due to the downturn in my mental health over the last five years alongside slowly losing my short term memory since being diagnosed with long covid in 2023.

I can get so angry with both myself, the lack of support and the world on a whole. I am kind of my own Support Worker, which is ironic because I was a Support Worker up until 2020.

I’m nervous about ringing Universal Credit tomorrow as they want to see me in person next Tuesday, but I’ve told them countless times on the journal for a home visit or a video call to prove I’d which I’ve done before. I am going to ring them tomorrow and make sure that I am so worked up on the phone that maybe my point will be accepted.

I just don’t want to go into town as it terrifies me, just the thought of walking anywhere around the city centre due to gangs of youths in black and masks carrying machetes. I’m scared and worried day something could happen, which has been heightened to around four months ago someone was murdered just up the road and they arrested 11 people.
I honestly don’t know what the future holds for me, what I can contribute and in all honesty what will happen to me if I lose mental capacity.

Good morning all

I am exhausted again today but I'm going out later to enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sea views.

I am forever trying to focus on the positive aspects of life and trying to make the most of each day because life is short and I try to enjoy mine, despite many challenging health issues.

Afternoon all,

Didn’t wake up until just after 11, got woken up early hours due to bile reflux deciding to close my throat to oxygen! Plenty of usage of both inhalers helped, blood o2 was at 88% according to the old watch. Then it was a case of just sleeping, 😴 I ended up heading downstairs as my little flowerpots had been delivered, I mean 3 foot by 3 foot is suitable sizing with both being just over a foot in size 🥃
just going to spend the day resting up and recuperating.