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Share a joke with us!

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  • KevStA
    KevStA Community member Posts: 12 Courageous
    How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb ??

    Juan
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger

    There were two men eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

    (Frank Carson)

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • CJ61
    CJ61 Community member Posts: 70 Courageous
    why did the mexican throw his wife off the cliff

    tequila

    not very pc but it makes me laugh. sorry bout that
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    Sorry but not really able to laugh at these although I used to be a very good joke and story teller. However, I will try to think of some that aren't either too racist or too near the knuckle.

    Ofc I used to be ambivalent but now I'm not so sure.

    Ruling out baby jokes, essex girl jokes, racist jokes and dirty jokes I'm finding it hard to think of any but if this next is too off then remove it by all means.

    Two small children standing in the corridor at school. One says to the other "There's a contraceptive behind that radiator". The other replies "What's a radiator?".

    And on and on........

    Why do ducks have webbed feet? So they can stamp out forest fires!
    Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees!
    Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of cherry trees onto burning ducks!

    How do you know when you have elephants in the fridge? They leave footprints in the butter!

    And ending.........

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • KevStA
    KevStA Community member Posts: 12 Courageous
    What did the Mexican fire chief call his two sons ?

    Hose A and Hose B
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger

    So I went to the doctors and he asked me what seemed to be the matter, I said “I feel like a Belisha beacon.” So putting on sunglasses he asked “ how frequently? I said “ oh, off and on.”

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Pioneering
    Why do crabs make such good burglers? 

    Because they're great at pinching things. 
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger

    What’s a bees favourite power tool? 

    A buzz saw

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • CJ61
    CJ61 Community member Posts: 70 Courageous
    at the end of a horse race people started throwing cheese, ham, strawberries and pickles at the winner. The commentator said over the mike.....Oh no he's been hampered............
  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Posts: 10,586 Disability Gamechanger
    Love this thread!  :D
    Scope

  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger

    If I was horse in a field and someone came over to me, picked some grass and offered it to me I’d be totally dumbfounded! What! You’ve seen me eating and you think I need help? This is a gift? I’m in a field! Grass I got already! Carrots! I want a carrot, or an apple, a nice juicy apple! Anything but graaaaasssss!

     Luckily horses are too polite to say anything.


    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Pioneering
    They say that the national sport of the UK is queuing

    to hear the punchline, please wait...
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    @ross2503 I was actually waiting for the punchline...doh!

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger

    I went to my accountant and asked him what my net worth was. He said “not sure, show me your net.”

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 10,821 Scope online community team
    What's Forrest Gump's password?

    1forrest1

    Community Manager
    Scope
  • Subzer0_Scorpion
    Subzer0_Scorpion Community member Posts: 14 Connected
    A man walks into a butcher's and asks "do you have a sheep's head?"
    "No," replies the butcher " it's just the way I part my hair"
  • Rhodie72
    Rhodie72 Community member Posts: 17 Connected
    For the abstract intelligentsia:

    Q: What is the difference between a tree?
    A: A banana 6 inches in color

    Ripped from the School of Logic examination papers. 
    Dream big, plan well, achieve goals, live the dream.

  • Rhodie72
    Rhodie72 Community member Posts: 17 Connected
    Another ASD riddle

    A genuine exam question for final paper. Usually only one question is asked... Students have 3 hours to complete the answer to be marked. 

    Q: Is this a question? 

    A: If this is an answer. 
    Dream big, plan well, achieve goals, live the dream.

  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 2020
    I once went on a dream holiday but when I got back I couldn’t remember a thing.

    whats the biggest bee of all?
    a capital B! 

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot, it got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

    (anon)

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

Brightness