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Share a joke with us!
Adrian_Scope
Testing Team, Community Team Posts: 7,934 Scope community team
I think we could all do with a laugh... so share your best joke or pun!
Please remember to keep them suitable for the community.
To get everyone started here's one of my favourite jokes from the last joke thread we had posted originally by @ails.
Please remember to keep them suitable for the community.
To get everyone started here's one of my favourite jokes from the last joke thread we had posted originally by @ails.
A man goes to the doctors.
"Doctor I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is that normal?"
Doctor replies, "Well, it's not unusual".
"Doctor I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is that normal?"
Doctor replies, "Well, it's not unusual".
Senior Community Partner
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Replies
It gets toad away!
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One says to the other "I didn't know you could drive!"
Specialist Information Officer - Cerebral Palsy
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You're just another part of me.
I was sitting in traffic the other day, and I got ran over
Someone knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to become Jehovah's Witness. I said I didn't see the accident?
Exit signs, they are on the way out aren't they?
Velcro, what a rip off
I went into a film store and asked them to give me An Inconvenient Truth, so he told me I was fat because I eat too much
So no one could take sides.
A: To the NESTcafe
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His funeral was very low key
He didn't want it repeating on him.
To see where the numbers came from.
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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"Pull yourself together man"
Park in it man
sorry
Shopkeeper: " sorry, we only sell plain (plane)"
Knock knock
Who's there?
Biggish
Biggish who? (Big issue)
No, not today thank you!
but I couldn't find any
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One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatily different
All it was doing was collecting dust.
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The ultrasound guy.
When the ultrasound guy is on holiday who is the coolest guy in hospital ??
The hip replacement guy.
"Stop going to these two places"
"What did the walnut say to the cashew? I walnut let you down."
I take no responsibility for this joke
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers."
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when it returned I told the postman “you can have it if you like” He said “no”, I said “why not?” He said “I don’t want any comebacks.”
Pencil Vania.
They're all about cricket!
*You've got Alexa to thank for this one.
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Phillipe Ferlop
How? I asked.
He said "Brace yourself"
Baa code.
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Likewise, there are some crackers!
What's a dog's favourite dinosaur film?
Jurassic Bark
(Jethro)
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Juan
There were two men eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
tequila
not very pc but it makes me laugh. sorry bout that
Ofc I used to be ambivalent but now I'm not so sure.
Ruling out baby jokes, essex girl jokes, racist jokes and dirty jokes I'm finding it hard to think of any but if this next is too off then remove it by all means.
Two small children standing in the corridor at school. One says to the other "There's a contraceptive behind that radiator". The other replies "What's a radiator?".
And on and on........
Why do ducks have webbed feet? So they can stamp out forest fires!
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees!
Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of cherry trees onto burning ducks!
How do you know when you have elephants in the fridge? They leave footprints in the butter!
And ending.........
TK
Hose A and Hose B
So I went to the doctors and he asked me what seemed to be the matter, I said “I feel like a Belisha beacon.” So putting on sunglasses he asked “ how frequently? I said “ oh, off and on.”
Because they're great at pinching things.
What’s a bees favourite power tool?
A buzz saw
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If I was horse in a field and someone came over to me, picked some grass and offered it to me I’d be totally dumbfounded! What! You’ve seen me eating and you think I need help? This is a gift? I’m in a field! Grass I got already! Carrots! I want a carrot, or an apple, a nice juicy apple! Anything but graaaaasssss!
Luckily horses are too polite to say anything.
to hear the punchline, please wait...
I went to my accountant and asked him what my net worth was. He said “not sure, show me your net.”
1forrest1
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"No," replies the butcher " it's just the way I part my hair"
Q: What is the difference between a tree?
A: A banana 6 inches in color
Ripped from the School of Logic examination papers.
A genuine exam question for final paper. Usually only one question is asked... Students have 3 hours to complete the answer to be marked.
Q: Is this a question?
A: If this is an answer.
whats the biggest bee of all?
a capital B!
(anon)
Impasta
he Neverlands.
(anon)
a stand up chameleon 🤣
—————————————-
why don’t people eat clocks?
its too time consuming ! 🤣
Best Wishes
serenity2
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.” I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.’
(Anon)
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno business!
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First day at junior school I fell in love with my teacher, now I understand, professional ethics prevented reciprocation (also there was a height difference)
I was completely ignored by the barman in my local last night, it's my fault, I asked him for the usual.
Aye matey!
(anon)
A can't opener
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because it was two tyred
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because he was a little shellfish.
Tell it a good yolk
you stay here I’ll go on a head.
Ba-dum tish!
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Ba-dum tish!
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A Yorkshire farmer went to his Doctor and said "Doctor, your receptionist sounds like a mouth organ"
"Aye, that'll be our Monica"
because they all got stuck at sea.
Tonight, dinner's on me!
The baa baa shop!
never mind, it’s tearable.
Probably shouldn't have eaten it tbh...
so I told her to get out of my fort.
Bit by Bit
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Interviewer asked if I could perform under pressure... I said "no, but I can do a cracking Bohemian Rhapsody!"
As an individual I stood alone.
As a member of a group I did things.
As part of a community I helped to create change!
It’s just something I could see myself doing..
I think they're planning a Coo
It was a lovely service.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen