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Share a joke with us!

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  • KevStA
    KevStA Community member Posts: 12 Courageous
    What do you call a fake noodle ??

    Impasta
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    why is Peter Pan always flying?

    he Neverlands.

    (anon)

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • serenity2
    serenity2 Community member Posts: 250 Pioneering
    edited July 2020
    What do you call a funny lizard ?

    a stand up chameleon ?
    —————————————-
    why don’t people eat clocks?

    its too time consuming ! ?


    Trying to cheer myself up after watching the football last night ?
     :)
    Best Wishes
    serenity2 
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
    The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.” I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

    ‘Ten dollars! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

    ‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.’

    (Anon)

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 10,821 Scope online community team
    An old favourite:

    What do you call a nosy pepper?
    Jalapeno business!
    Community Manager
    Scope
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 2020

    First day at junior school I fell in love with my teacher, now I understand, professional ethics prevented reciprocation (also there was a height difference)

    I was completely ignored by the barman in my local last night, it's my fault, I asked him for the usual.


    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • 1st_Ade
    1st_Ade Community member Posts: 11 Connected
    I am not sure what is the best thing about Switzerland, but the flag is a big plus.
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 2020
     what did the pirate say when he turned eighty years old?

    Aye matey!

    (anon)

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Ross_Alumni
    Ross_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,652 Disability Gamechanger
    What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? 

    A can't opener 
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  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

    because it was two tyred

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 10,821 Scope online community team
    I was going to tell a time-travelling joke, but you lot didn't like it.
    Community Manager
    Scope
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
      Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

      because he was a little shellfish.

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,964 Disability Gamechanger
    How do you make an egg laugh

    Tell it a good yolk
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    What did one hat say to the other?

    you stay here I’ll go on a head.

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Cher_Alumni
    Cher_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,741 Disability Gamechanger
    How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

    Ba-dum tish!

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  • Cher_Alumni
    Cher_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,741 Disability Gamechanger
    How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

    Ba-dum tish!

    Online Community Co-ordinator

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    Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.
  • KevStA
    KevStA Community member Posts: 12 Courageous
    Nice one Cher.
    A Yorkshire farmer went to his Doctor and said "Doctor, your receptionist sounds like a mouth organ"
      "Aye, that'll be our Monica"
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    Why couldn’t the pirates learn the alphabet?

    because they all got stuck at sea. 

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • amsofly
    amsofly Community member Posts: 29 Courageous
    Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer? 
  • amsofly
    amsofly Community member Posts: 29 Courageous
    What did one plate say to his friend?
     
    Tonight, dinner's on me!

Brightness