Suspected AuDHD at 56 (is it or am I being daft?)

Tanga

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/871927#Comment_871927

to be honest I cant remember anything that obviously was affected by it in work. I know I enjoyed things that were defined, like accounts/book keeping etc. I enjoyed work where I gave people information. I was praised by a manager for having a tendency to tell her/give her facts/what she actually needed rather than what she asked for and thought she wanted!

NDmummy

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/871929#Comment_871929

I so know what you mean about not being able to bite your tongue, years as a senior staff nurse tried several times for promotion but always the bridesmaid never the bride. A consultant I hadn't seen for a few years asked me Sister ? when I said no he said all you have to do is keep quiet and bite your tongue, just till you get the post. I told him I tried it once lasted a month and it nearly killed me. As for how to cope with it, well it got my card marked for refusing to play the nasty politics , a colleague with MS was bullied into medical retirement, she was fighting so they trumped up some imaginary mistakes and complaints, I stood up for her at the disciplinary hearing, when no one else would. They got rid of her and I became next in line. I'd do the same again. Think if it's minor things , not dangerous or not bullying I learnt to pick my fights. When a manager would try to undermine me or bully me I developed a poker face. Inside I'd be seething, lots of expletives , but I would smile, agree with whatever they were saying in a vague non committal way then make my excuses and walk. Funniest was when a manager had had a talking to from a senior, He spluttered at me about how he had been caught off guard , some figures or something he should have forwarded and that they were needed today , I responded with " and you want me to do what with this information " didn't earn myself any favours. So sometimes just need to take a deep breath and think is it worth it, or more to the point are they worth it, always give a second chance, but never forget.

Amaya_Ringo

With regards to work, the biggest challenge for me is getting through the interview. I am very bad at them. Let's leave it there. The problem is that none of the standard stereotypical adjustments are helpful to me, since first point is can I find the place, let alone get into it. And giving me more time to answer a question I can't remember is…also not helpful. I get fed up with being scored against nondisabled people ON POINTS.

This happened at my current workplace, so I currently have the lowest rank job and the fewest hours. BUT. I have proven that I can do the job, even if I can't talk to someone in an interview. And I actually love the colleagues who got the positions ahead of me. One in particular. But now I need more hours. And I would rather have them where I work now, because I can find it and know what I'm doing - but it's a public sector job and currently political parties are queuing up to cut chunks off the funding, so good luck with any extra hours coming up any time soon…

I work with the public, I have always done this, I love doing this. Do I like people in my space outside of work? No. But at work, do I like helping people? Yes. It's very weird. I'm really good at customer service. But when I get out of work, the work switch goes off and I'm in travel home mode, do not disturb xD.

I finished study right before the pandemic, I had a lot of trouble finding work of any kind after because I was so disjointed and our lockdown lasted longer. I had one job chance I had to turn down mid-pandemic because of no relocation support. I just feel like more than the job itself, the actually GETTING INTO A JOB is harder. I can't work full time either - my brain can manage 25 hours in a week before it starts to implode - so that's also a challenge. No transport, no interview skills and no full time hours = limited opportunities despite my experience and qualifications being pretty good.

For me the week or two before an interview, and the time after waiting for the result is a meltdown situation. Most people don't have to do job interviews when they're also in fight or flight mode. Maybe if more NT people had to do a job interview while being chased by a bull, the playing field would be more level…something to consider.

I did have a situation at a previous job where they pushed me to apply for a promotion and put me through all that stress only to give the job to someone else. That did a LOT of damage at the time. So yeah. Getting into work is the biggest challenge.

Also, Albus, I don't know if you meant it or if it was a typo, but I love neurospicy xD.

Catherine21

I'm 52 diagnosed bpd bdd pmdd dyslexic to the point don't know alphabet after all these years still can't get right don't know how to put capital letters full stop ect I'm awaiting adhd test 100 percent have adhd and autism makes the most sense don't get comfort from people an hour in anyones company and I'm drained spent hours in my own head get very angry rages talk non stop iny head don't like being touched stared at haven't been able yo hold jobs down I always feel overwhelmed my life is actually unbearable at the moment have menopause and it's ramped everything up and with goverment saying disabled go back to work I'm terrified I know I want make it I'm so tired of the constant noise in my head all saying bad things I cant deal with this I'm drained

Albus_Scope

I'm so sorry things are affecting you so much recently @Catherine21 we're all here to help you get thorugh it though. 😊
Interestingly, many women are misdiagnosed with BPD, when it's actually autism. It's frustratingly common.

Catherine21

It makes sense to me and now thier saying disabled go back to work I cant eat sleep have rages and meltdowns and now I'm completely drained I always pretend I'm OK but I cant hide it get rages with family friends it's just constant in my head all the time

Albus_Scope

The politicians are being very vague about everything right now, I've seen "those that can work, should work" which I don't see as an attack on disabled folk. I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. We'll have a better picture of things in a few weeks hopefully. I hope the brain calms down for you soon. Have you spoken to your GP about all of this? It may be worth getting back in touch with them for a catch up.

Catherine21

Yes I'm doing one to one managing emotions thankyou

eeL

Very interesting comments from everyone here that I can relate to and make me laugh and cry! Yeah, I got sacked from a company after being vilified by management and everyone hated me but oddly during all that time management was receiving letters of commendation for me from customers! I think I can do 'socially correct and pleasant' in a professional capacity but on a personal level not so much. Close and personal is a bit too messy for me. I kind of know what's expected or polite or correct or welcomed with a customer - get back to the office with all the bitching, sarcasm, politics, 'cliques' and gangs, unwritten rules, all the things I 'should have known or must surely have realised' (and didn't), ladder climbing, game playing, creeping, crawling, manipulating, lying, telling tales (with brass knobs and bells added on), rumours, gossip, two-faced assassins…..and it all goes horribly wrong because I can't understand what's going on or why. It's a minefield, like a parallel universe!

I do think a diagnosis is useful in later life if you've had the issues others mention of low self esteem because it gives you permission to blame autism for some part of things going wrong rather than totally hating yourself for being a rubbish person, and it helps you to identify why things go wrong and sometimes that helps you to guard against the pitfalls (although I've never managed to eradicate them!). For example, I too get stressed about people doing the wrong thing at work, but I've learned to make a personal choice - if the thing is morally wrong and someone needs my help then I'll wade in and suffer the consequences because I feel it's the right thing to do. But if it's just lazy people or someone's late all the time I try to let that be the boss's problem rather than mine. I've learned that some bosses seem quite happy to let people get paid for doing a really bad job, they're not bothered. And after all it's their loss, unless people's idleness impacts on my own work. I've learned to do MY job well and ignore what the rest are doing as much as I can. It really helps if you can learn to stop trying to make everything FAIR. However wrong and irritating it is, most work places aren't fair. It seems you face has to fit to get up the ladder and with autism mine's unlikely to do so. No, that's not fair, but getting stressed, angry and ill about it changes nothing and just makes my life / health worse, so I make it harder for myself. Sometimes you can't stop them from making you the loser, but you don't have to do it to yourself as well❤ I'm trying to learn to have inner peace and self respect so that what others think of me that isn't true affects me less. YOU know who you are - if THEY don't then they're the ones losing out. You got to let some of it go, for your own sake and sanity. I tend to think that people who can't see past my autism are probably the sort of narrow-minded, superficial, shallow, unkind and unintelligent people whom I wouldn't get any joy from knowing anyway. It's hard to have an interesting two-way chat with bigots so if they can't be bothered with me then it's probably for the best for all concerned! When people reject me and say 'I don't want to know you!' I've learned (rather than feeling devastated, hurt and self-loathing) to ask the question, 'But do I really want to know YOU?!' Maybe they think I have nothing to offer them. But what have THEY got to offer ME?!

And I get really angry and kick off but I'm trying to learn to count to ten and think - is that REALLY going to achieve what I want? It generally just alienates people and they stop listening to your (often very valid) point. The rest of the world just seems to be playing a game and nobody told autistic people the rules so we never win the game! It seems we have to learn to 'play the game' the way the neurotypicals do and it's goes against the grain alot of the time. I'm constantly exhausted from having to step outside my front door and pretend / try to be somebody else so as to placate the rest of the world. I don't believe it should be that way, we should be allowed to be ourselves, but we're a long way off from that world I'm afraid. If you're a minority you're expected to adjust yourself to fit in and morph into the same as the majority - I'm sure you'd hear the same from people of colour or people with ginger hair or people from non-native religions or different countries. 'Different' doesn't seem to be easily accepted - it's too inconvenient for the masses😊

Catherine21 I find it helps to pull it all apart into tiny steps and fix the bits you DO have control over. For example, even neurotypicals find everything harder if they're not eating and sleeping! So maybe fix your health first. Sometimes when I'm anxious I have to FORCE myself to eat and sleep, even if I don't feel like it. I treat myself as the parent of my 'inner child' and say, 'Ridiculous behaviour, you're over-tired, go to bed!' or 'You haven't eaten all day, I don't care if you're 'not hungry', you're going to eat SOMETHING!'. With autism I find things go pear-shaped because the emotions take over - I'm too anxious to sleep, too angry to sit quietly, too excited to go to bed, too upset to make a good decision. My emotions are so extreme I can be on a rollercoaster because things are hyper-important to me. Sometimes I think neurotypicals are lucky because they don't seem to care about anything so much. They don't get overwhelmed and have meltdowns, they never seem to get so upset, so angry, so depressed, so worried, so scared. But then I think they're never as naively happy, enthusiastic, dedicated to something, brimming with good intention and caring as me either😊It's a sever inconvenience for sure, but I've never been convinced that 'caring' is a bad thing. I think it's just that we have to keep our 'caring' in perspective and not self destruct because of it.

Catherine21

Oh thankyou x

Catherine21

I'm a great one for fairness and had a boss who absolutely drove me insane her voice the way she looked at people like thier crazy! And I had Monday to Friday job in care she moved me next door which involved night shifts longer hours I didn't relize at the time I was burnt out I got signed off I got rage and started a witch hunt on her I have pmdd as well I was phoning leaving messages on the works answer machine just had no fear it went on and on I'm sure I had a breakdown I got arrested and warned obviously lost the job after that I've totally isolated myself but when I think somethings not fair I go in on it

eeL

Catherine21 I totally get that - I think it's only with 'old age' and in the last 3 years that I've realised it all did me more harm than it did to the unfair person. If I could advise my younger self I'd say 'Give yourself a break, let it go, walk away and sometimes you can't put the world to rights'. I wasted so much angst and stress over things I was never going to be able to change. Truth is, some people are just rubbish people, and unfortunately somehow alot of them seem to have got into positions of power. It's taken me years to realise that people are entitled to think and be as they like, and sometimes that's really unpleasant. But that's on them, not you. Let it be THEIR problem - the minute your behaviour gets out of hand all anyone sees as the problem is you, which is unfair in itself but it's how it works. When I have a meltdown no one asks what bad thing someone did that caused it, they just see ME being 'ridiculous'. Instantly we're the ones criticised and the 'bad' person then gets a degree of sympathy because people think however awful they were being it was probably justified because WE'RE behaving badly. I had it pointed out to me by a counsellor when I told her I was going to rip into one of my neighbours and she asked, 'But is that REALLY going to change things in the way you want?' and I had to admit, no, it'd make it all worse. So now I try to walk away when I feel the 'red mist' rising - sometimes ten minutes later I'm still sure I need to say something (although I might say it in a more appropriate or considered way!) and sometimes the 'mist' clears and I decide it's not worth it. The same counsellor told me that I'm entitled to say, 'Excuse me, I need a minute' and remove myself from a situation. The 'breathe in for four and out for six' thing is hard enough to take your concentration, slow your emotions and at least look after your own wellbeing. Don't let idiots make you ill! Stress is bad for us - I read somewhere that autistic people often have a shorter-than-average lifespan. That'll be the stress then I guess - bad for your heart, your immune system, digestive tract, etc. Says the person who's constantly stressed lol But we can TRY to regulate things and look after ourselves. It makes me laugh to think of the phrase, 'Leave it, Kevin, he's not worth it!' Because these rubbish people seldom ARE worth it, and if we end up looking the bad guy it must make their day. Don't give them the ammunition! And if people are determined to be tools then let them get on with it on their own or try it on with someone who's not you. I have a photo of 'Gunny Highway' (Clint Eastwood) at home with his phrase, 'Go hump somebody else's leg, mutt face'. If somebody's refusing to be reasonable, walk away. ❤

Catherine21

So true I'm having one ro one sessions on controlling my emotions my trouble is I have no attention span I go into my own little world but still appear to listening and not! That's why spelling bad never focused listen dyslexic the one thing I did retain breathing methods I'm always envious of people who just get on with life relationships and work I cant trust myself to go to work everyday I have major meltdowns cant leave the house literally my mind and body won't let me

eeL

Honestly, it's dead true what my autism assessor told me (I was in a really bad place at the time after being fired) - you CAN work, if you're in the right environment with the right people. People who understand and don't judge, people who just shrug it off and don't take it personally if you have a meltdown, people who will ask, 'What can we do to help?' if you're struggling rather than driving the knife in. Those jobs are few and far between but they ARE out there. I'm interested to hear how all these politicians think they're going to get us all back to work - by making workplaces fair? By making people understand and accept diversity and disability? By making employers give us a chance? Not being able to work isn't ALL on you. It's true, I think, that society disables people with a disability. People could be more helpful. And if they can't find it in their hearts as a fellow human being to do so maybe employment law should be there to enforce it. And be upheld rather than just being a whimsical notion nobody adheres to. Don't beat yourself up over it - our past bad experiences create anxiety and make it harder and harder. We just need someone to meet us half way. I hope you find that good place❤

Catherine21

Oh bless you thankyou most my life was given to masking and I didn't relize it all makes sense now I also developed body dismorphia they say personality disorder but sure adhd and I'm dyslexic I never listened at school always aware of how I was acting how i looked not in a vain way in a repulsive way I haven't had a real career feel at 52 scared vulnerable by the politicians saying really made me look at myself and see I have no skills and that's really scary I don't trust myself to look after myself of that makes sense

eeL

Totally! You're not alone - there's at least two of us lol Nobody even knows the extent of how badly I'm doing, I daren't say it because it'd be further owning up to my 'failures' and make me look even worse. I've always been completely dysfunctional, can't take care of myself. Life's one big struggle, isn't it?! I said to someone yesterday, if we couldn't do school and university then we pretty much cut our own throats before we even started, and without all the education and skills you'd only make it by sheer winning personality, which we also don't have. I admit it's hard, but don't panic and don't be hard on yourself over it. You gotta learn to love yourself even if nobody else does❤