Suspected AuDHD at 56 (is it or am I being daft?)

I so know what you mean about not being able to bite your tongue, years as a senior staff nurse tried several times for promotion but always the bridesmaid never the bride. A consultant I hadn't seen for a few years asked me Sister ? when I said no he said all you have to do is keep quiet and bite your tongue, just till you get the post. I told him I tried it once lasted a month and it nearly killed me. As for how to cope with it, well it got my card marked for refusing to play the nasty politics , a colleague with MS was bullied into medical retirement, she was fighting so they trumped up some imaginary mistakes and complaints, I stood up for her at the disciplinary hearing, when no one else would. They got rid of her and I became next in line. I'd do the same again. Think if it's minor things , not dangerous or not bullying I learnt to pick my fights. When a manager would try to undermine me or bully me I developed a poker face. Inside I'd be seething, lots of expletives , but I would smile, agree with whatever they were saying in a vague non committal way then make my excuses and walk. Funniest was when a manager had had a talking to from a senior, He spluttered at me about how he had been caught off guard , some figures or something he should have forwarded and that they were needed today , I responded with " and you want me to do what with this information " didn't earn myself any favours. So sometimes just need to take a deep breath and think is it worth it, or more to the point are they worth it, always give a second chance, but never forget.

I'm 52 diagnosed bpd bdd pmdd dyslexic to the point don't know alphabet after all these years still can't get right don't know how to put capital letters full stop ect I'm awaiting adhd test 100 percent have adhd and autism makes the most sense don't get comfort from people an hour in anyones company and I'm drained spent hours in my own head get very angry rages talk non stop iny head don't like being touched stared at haven't been able yo hold jobs down I always feel overwhelmed my life is actually unbearable at the moment have menopause and it's ramped everything up and with goverment saying disabled go back to work I'm terrified I know I want make it I'm so tired of the constant noise in my head all saying bad things I cant deal with this I'm drained

It makes sense to me and now thier saying disabled go back to work I cant eat sleep have rages and meltdowns and now I'm completely drained I always pretend I'm OK but I cant hide it get rages with family friends it's just constant in my head all the time

Yes I'm doing one to one managing emotions thankyou

Oh thankyou x

Catherine21 I totally get that - I think it's only with 'old age' and in the last 3 years that I've realised it all did me more harm than it did to the unfair person. If I could advise my younger self I'd say 'Give yourself a break, let it go, walk away and sometimes you can't put the world to rights'. I wasted so much angst and stress over things I was never going to be able to change. Truth is, some people are just rubbish people, and unfortunately somehow alot of them seem to have got into positions of power. It's taken me years to realise that people are entitled to think and be as they like, and sometimes that's really unpleasant. But that's on them, not you. Let it be THEIR problem - the minute your behaviour gets out of hand all anyone sees as the problem is you, which is unfair in itself but it's how it works. When I have a meltdown no one asks what bad thing someone did that caused it, they just see ME being 'ridiculous'. Instantly we're the ones criticised and the 'bad' person then gets a degree of sympathy because people think however awful they were being it was probably justified because WE'RE behaving badly. I had it pointed out to me by a counsellor when I told her I was going to rip into one of my neighbours and she asked, 'But is that REALLY going to change things in the way you want?' and I had to admit, no, it'd make it all worse. So now I try to walk away when I feel the 'red mist' rising - sometimes ten minutes later I'm still sure I need to say something (although I might say it in a more appropriate or considered way!) and sometimes the 'mist' clears and I decide it's not worth it. The same counsellor told me that I'm entitled to say, 'Excuse me, I need a minute' and remove myself from a situation. The 'breathe in for four and out for six' thing is hard enough to take your concentration, slow your emotions and at least look after your own wellbeing. Don't let idiots make you ill! Stress is bad for us - I read somewhere that autistic people often have a shorter-than-average lifespan. That'll be the stress then I guess - bad for your heart, your immune system, digestive tract, etc. Says the person who's constantly stressed lol But we can TRY to regulate things and look after ourselves. It makes me laugh to think of the phrase, 'Leave it, Kevin, he's not worth it!' Because these rubbish people seldom ARE worth it, and if we end up looking the bad guy it must make their day. Don't give them the ammunition! And if people are determined to be tools then let them get on with it on their own or try it on with someone who's not you. I have a photo of 'Gunny Highway' (Clint Eastwood) at home with his phrase, 'Go hump somebody else's leg, mutt face'. If somebody's refusing to be reasonable, walk away. ❤

Honestly, it's dead true what my autism assessor told me (I was in a really bad place at the time after being fired) - you CAN work, if you're in the right environment with the right people. People who understand and don't judge, people who just shrug it off and don't take it personally if you have a meltdown, people who will ask, 'What can we do to help?' if you're struggling rather than driving the knife in. Those jobs are few and far between but they ARE out there. I'm interested to hear how all these politicians think they're going to get us all back to work - by making workplaces fair? By making people understand and accept diversity and disability? By making employers give us a chance? Not being able to work isn't ALL on you. It's true, I think, that society disables people with a disability. People could be more helpful. And if they can't find it in their hearts as a fellow human being to do so maybe employment law should be there to enforce it. And be upheld rather than just being a whimsical notion nobody adheres to. Don't beat yourself up over it - our past bad experiences create anxiety and make it harder and harder. We just need someone to meet us half way. I hope you find that good place❤

Totally! You're not alone - there's at least two of us lol Nobody even knows the extent of how badly I'm doing, I daren't say it because it'd be further owning up to my 'failures' and make me look even worse. I've always been completely dysfunctional, can't take care of myself. Life's one big struggle, isn't it?! I said to someone yesterday, if we couldn't do school and university then we pretty much cut our own throats before we even started, and without all the education and skills you'd only make it by sheer winning personality, which we also don't have. I admit it's hard, but don't panic and don't be hard on yourself over it. You gotta learn to love yourself even if nobody else does❤

I'm probably on that list as I relate to a lot of what you have said (and thank you for the "but do I really want to know YOU" reflection, because I've noticed some neurotypical generally assume everyone wants to be in their company, and that they have the right to dictate who is and isn't socially acceptable. While mostly being horrible people.

What I understand less is why the nicer NT people just go along with it. Is it just too much effort to fight back?

As I said before, I'm quite lucky in my workplace. But I have one NT colleague who is lovely but every time I talk to her I feel like her comments are a trick question, or that she's looking for some nuance that I haven't put there. I'll ask a question and she'll answer in such an unexpected way, I wonder what signals I'm inadvertently giving out.

We do get along fine. It's just she's way NT and I'm way ND and sometimes we're speaking different languages.

I also have a couple of ND colleagues. I never have this issue with them, but random conversations are a lot more common ;)

This (I think) is one of the main ND/ NT differences! Our moral compasses and passionate stands differ - I find ND people are very honest and morally true to themselves, we'll happily get in a scrap to our own detriment if it means doing the right thing. We're used to being ourselves and standing alone. However, NTs live in a world where the social group is everything, and 'making a stand' might upset the status quo or get them targeted or cause them a disadvantage or a conflict or get them disliked or thrown out of the group so they'd avoid it. I once asked a colleague why he stood by when he could have saved someone by speaking up, and his reply (as if he thought I was insane for asking) was, 'Why would I get involved when I don't have to and end up getting bullied as well?'. And I was equally incredulous that he would say that. I've lost out loads of times by doing the right thing and I'm not sorry, but I see why others just look out for themselves. It takes guts to call out your peers, and the average person has none. It's why there's racism and sexism and any other 'ism' - didn't somebody say something like 'All evil needs to prevail is for good men to do nothing'?! It's easier to do nothing though, right?!

I once did some early Police training - all the handbooks said you must ALWAYS challenge these things. And yet the Trainers sat by whilst it went on amongst the Trainees under their noses and they never confronted it in house, so I didn't see how they were ever going to manage it with the general public. If you can't challenge a colleague during a coffee break in a classroom I doubt you will on official duties during a conflict on the street…

My colleagues fall into three categories:

1/ Nice to my face but not behind my back and put onto me their version of an autistic person based on whatever they've read or been told, which is nearly always misconceptions, misjudgements and prejudgements. They try to be 'pink and fluffy' in a very stilted and awkward way then complain about having to do so to anyone who'll listen.

2/ People who just openly hate me, mock my autism and call me a freak.

3/ People who avoid me and don't speak because they think I'm too complicated, can't be bothered and don't want to get called out for being diversity adverse because they don't know what to do and see problems where there aren't any - it's fear. Plus probably a bit of the 'not wanting to stand up to peers' thing.

I'll be honest, I'm learning to ignore the ignorance - it seems the only way to get by. If you keep pulling them up it just pours petrol on the fire so you just have to take it all it seems. Unfair, but I've not found anywhere or anyone different. Of course there are more intelligent, compassionate, open-minded people who find the differences fascinating and like to learn. I just don't work with any😊I've come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, because autistic people often don't get on well at school and therefore often don't do loads of further education we often end up in low-end jobs where the people are -shall we say - more BASIC. I think more educated, intelligent and diversity aware / interested people might value me differently. But I base that on the very few better people I've met. Or maybe it's upbringing - I'm not over-educated but I was brought up to be aware of other people's differences and that my views aren't necessarily the only or right ones, it's basic consideration for others. The trouble is, NTs are like a huge GANG - the majority always ends up prevailing over the minority just by huge overpowerment. If ten people think one way and you think another then YOU must be wrong, that's their view. And they don't do 'different', everyone has to do the same so they can all feel comfortable and complacent and know-all. Because they couldn't deal with the constant uncertainties we have to face all day every day! And I'm afraid it's got worse as people seem to be getting more selfish and self-serving / self-protective and everything seems more 'dog eat dog'. If you're going to take TIME or CONSIDERATION or EXPLANATIONS or ASSISTANCE or if they have to fall out with a friend to support you or you're going to challenge them on stuff then you're just a thorn in a NTs side. They don't speak up because it's just too much trouble for them. They'd rather avoid you because they fear you than ask a question, get to know you and NOT be scared! I find that all round they are just completely gutless compared to a ND who was born having to be inquisitive about their world and courageous about it's challenges. They see ME as the poor person with the disability, but I think it's them who are unfortunate lol Putting everything in your NT life into a comfortable pigeonhole and ignoring the rest means you notice less, care less, learn less, try less, enjoy less, feel less, improve less, appreciate less…

I get the 'trick question' thing. I used to have a manager who'd come along if I looked stressed with my work load and ask, 'Shall I do this bit for you to help you out?' and if I agreed she'd tell my colleagues that she'd had to do half my job for me AGAIN. It took my innocent little brain a while to cotton on to what she was doing and it quite upset me the day I overheard her bitching. I now have a new one who does the same - asks me how I'm doing and then tells everyone I've been whining about everything or slagging people off. Two of my managers quite often 'repeat' conversations with me that we've never had. Another ND / NT thing I find - we're more likely to report accurately - NTs read things in that aren't there and tell stories with brass knobs on. I tell you, it's like the Wild West out there!🤣