Wife/Carer - cancer ?
Comments
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She's about to go off on her own for a cancer diagnosis because she "doesn't want me anywhere near her,"
I have no support network or friends locally and can do virtually nothing myself.
The mood that my wife is in - she probably won't even tell the Dr that I exist but even if she did , what can they do?
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Wibbles, have you reached out to your GP for support, even just a telephone appointment to talk this through?
I've been in an unhappy marriage but we weren't dealing with profound physical disability. You both need help in this situation but your needs and fears sound more urgent.
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No - we have different surgeries (in different towns / counties but that's a different matter)
I also cannot speak on the phone !
It's my wife's mood swings that really concern me. one minute she's happy, I do one thing "wrong" and you would think the world had ended - she turns BLACK and I get her full wrath (not physical I must add) more VERBAL
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I am concerned that she will need an operation and SOON - ie) perhaps next week - which does not give me any time to arrange for carers etc (I do have "savings" so no PAID for care)
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Before I do anything - I await the return of my wife (she will be around 1 1/2 hours) in case it is not as bad as we think - but I believe that it is cancer….
if it is - she will get 6 weeks post op reablement care - but will that include myself ?
i can't image a carer coming in - ignoring me and concentrating soley on my wife ?
And what about the week (or so) that she will be in hospital for - what would happen to me ? It's way too late to arrange carers for next week (if it is then)
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Is it worth my applying for Continuing Health Care ?
Everything is broken/not working on my body *except my brain (surprisingly since that is what started my decline)
my arms. shoulders, knees, heart all bad
I cannot walk 1 yard, (knees shot). my shoulders are riddled with arthritis and tendonitis, my heart beats too fast and irregularly
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I really hope today goes better than you are expecting. Genuinely.
But I want to say something and I hope you will take it the right way because it comes from a good place.
Whatever happens today, good news, bad news, or somewhere in between, you need to get proper care sorted out for yourself. Not eventually. Soon.
Right now everything depends on your wife. Everything. And that is not fair on either of you. It is not fair on her because she is carrying it all with no help and no break. And it is not fair on you because if something happens to her, whether it is this or a bad cold or she just needs a day off, you are stuck with nothing.
You do not need to phone anyone. You can do this online. Go to your council's website and search for a care needs assessment. Fill in the form. You are entitled to one. It does not matter that you have savings, the assessment itself is free and it gets the ball rolling so that if you ever need care in a hurry it is not starting from scratch.
Same with your GP. Most surgeries have an online form now. Write to them. Tell them your situation. Exactly as you have here.
This is not about replacing your wife or saying she is doing a bad job. It is about making sure you are not one bad day away from having nobody. Because right now that is exactly where you are.
Whatever today brings I am hoping for the best for both of you. But please do not let things just carry on as they are. You both deserve better than this.
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I think you need to try something and email communication with your GP would be a good first step then they can liaise with those other services. You will not be left alone without care.
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I had a care needs assesment 4 years ago
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Thinking of you and your wife
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Waiting for results via GP
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OK Wife received a text, yesterday at 8:00 - telling her to expect a phone call between 9:00 and 11:00 - no mention of what it was about or the name of the doctor…
Come 11:00 - no call - so my wife checked her NHS account on-line and discovered that she would receive a call NEXT Monday - so they had sent the wrong info in the text….
They obviously have the results of her cancer scan - but are now forcing my wife to wait, another week for results !
You would hope that the results are negative.
Not exactly a good surgery.
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Sorry @Wibbles that your wife has been put through this. I’m glad to hear she was given a scan last week, as that’s really the only way to know what’s going on.
But being given the wrong date for a call about cancer results is a serious mistake, and it leaves your wife carrying worry and anxiety that could have been avoided.
If I were in your wife’s situation, I would be calling the surgery and asking to speak to the practice manager. Your wife can explain the anxiety this has caused, especially as she wouldn’t even have been thinking about the results being back yet if they hadn’t sent that text.
Most people are human, and I am sure the practice manager will understand the impact of their mistake and recognise the harm it has caused. I am sure they can arrange for someone to give her the results today rather than leaving her in limbo for another week.
Also, the practice manager needs to know this mistake has happened and ensure it does not happen again. In my view, this is totally unacceptable, and it’s exactly the kind of issue a practice manager is paid to sort out.
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I agree but my wife doesn't appear to want to complain
I would be EXPLODING about their mistake - but she just says "What's the point"Sometimes I really do give up.
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If your wife doesn’t feel up to taking it further, that really is her call and it deserves respect. Everyone copes with this kind of pressure differently, and she’s already carrying so much.
I just wondered whether you’ve had time to look into getting a care assessment yet. It’s one of those things that can easily slip down the list when you’re dealing with worry and your wife's appointments, but it can make such a difference.
I only mention it because if your wife does end up needing treatment, she might not be able to look after you in the same way. Being ahead of the curve could save you both a lot of stress rather than scrambling in a crisis.
It might ease some of the anxiety she’s carrying, and give you a bit more reassurance too.
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Hi Wibbles, I am keeping everything possible crossed that your wife's results are negative. I agree though with everything @MW123 has said. Perhaps a care assessment for yourself will put you in a position of just knowing what support you can have, if and when needed; if not now, then in the future. It doesn't do any harm to investigate this. Take good care and very warmest wishes.
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I asked my council adult social care (OT) contact a few years ago, what I should do if my wife was ever "out of action" and was told that because I had savings of over £23.25k - I was on my own !!
They didn't even want to do a Care Needs Assessment on me because "all my needs are being provided by my wife and the occupational therapist (OT) requirement has been carried out, so no support plan is necessary" but eventually, they sent a woman (who couldn't speak proper English) to assess me - her written report was awful (poorly written and full of mistakes) and when I pointed this out - I was told that since I was not receiving any assistance, it was unimportant……….
I did manage to get a few rails and grab handles fitted by OT and an electric adjustable bed.
Also a power wheelchair which came after the OT assessment courtesy of NHS !
She was unable to grasp the concept that if my wife was ill / left me - I would be alone and due to my disability, would be unable cope from day 1 and would need instant help - so eventually I gave up and kept my fingers crossed that it would never happen.
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It’s clear they did follow through on the OT side. The rails, grab handles, adjustable bed and power wheelchair are all really important, and I’m glad you got those in place.
But an OT assessment isn’t the same as a Care Needs Assessment under the Care Act. The OT looks at equipment and adaptations. A Care Needs Assessment looks at your whole situation, including what happens if the care your wife provides suddenly stops. That’s the part they didn’t do properly.
What you were told a few years ago, that having over £23,250 in savings meant you were on your own, simply wasn’t correct. The Care Act doesn’t allow councils to refuse an assessment based on savings. Finances only come into it afterwards, when they work out who pays for care. It should never be used as a reason to turn you away.
And the report you described, full of mistakes, dismissive, brushed off as “unimportant”, really wasn’t good enough. You raised a completely valid concern about what would happen if your wife couldn’t care for you, and it wasn’t taken seriously. That’s a failure in the process, not a reflection on you.
The equipment helps day to day, but it doesn’t answer the bigger question you were asking, what happens if your wife can’t do everything? That question matters more now than ever.
It’s obviously something only you and your wife can decide together, but do you not think it might be time to consider having a bit of care coming in once or twice a week to give her a break? The council should be looking at your wife’s needs as well as yours. Nobody is meant to provide care with no respite and never have a day off.
I think it is shameful the way you have both been let down.
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