Complex PTSD and no help available

HollyGCat

Great quote...I think from what you’ve written, even if I could make eye contact and do EMDR, it wouldn’t work for me. Too many and too much trauma. Nicking the quote for my Facebook status if you don’t mind

JeremyJ

Holly - of course no problem, I’m grateful to whoever pointed out to me. 

newborn

Holly G l do feel  for you.   Your daughter knows it wasn't possible for you to go,  just as it would  be if you were  in a hospital  bed with a broken  leg in traction.    Neither she, nor anyone else,  would give it a second thought.    Of course  you  couldn't  go.    It isn't  as if you deliberately chose  to go off somewhere else that day, is it?  The only reason you didn't  go was that it simply  wasn't  possible .   So please don't 'beat yourself up'.

As to the psychology and the  labels and the up to the eyeballs drugs, ......you  say you have been going on  being cured for three years,  without improving.   Do you think you have answered your own question?      

Whatever else is being done to you , it certainly hasn't been empowering has it?  Hasn't  raised  your self esteem? Hasn't boosted your own strength? Hasn't got you back  your independence or your career?     You are clearly  bright and clearly  a good person.     You shine those strengths out, but you don't seem to value yourself.

It is absolutely none of my business.    I know nothing about  cures. The experts are the people who have been curing you so hard for so long.

Of course some of the people some of the time get some benefit out of some of the curing and some get some  benefit from some  of  the  drugs.  Some of the people even emerge strong and happy.   Some even manage to take  some drugs for some time without getting hooked for the rest of their days.   

It is surprising that others go on for decade after decade under expert treatment which never  works and never changes. To me it is surprising that getting hooked on street drugs is considered to be A Bad Thing,   but meanwhile the  medical  professionals busily  create prescription drug junkies and consider it perfectly acceptable.

Cat19

JeremyJ said:

I've tried EMDR and whilst it is 'the' recommended treatment I found it too linear ie if there was only one abuser and you could go to your first trauma memory then you might be able to process. But for multiple abusers and pre-cognitive issues I think it won't 'shift' or fix the problematic wiring up top - it's just too messy! 

My history is similar to yours (multiple abusers etc) and although I did EMDR with my first private psychotherapist, it didn't do much for me. It helped but not significantly. 3 years later I found a therapist specializing in 'attachment-focused EMDR' and it made a world of a difference. The EMDR modality changed massively in the last few years. Standard EMDR works best for ptsd, whereas attachment EMDR works for CPTSD. What I find fascinating is that together with my therapist I'm working on body memories from my pre-verbal state (anxiety in utero, traumatic birth, messed up events post birth etc) and it's helping tremendously.

This is not to invalidate your experience, I too was recommended ptsd therapies that didn't work for me. Only wanted to highlight that sometimes finding the right therapist can make a huge difference. 

gillian72

@SurvivingTara thank you for your message it made me feel I'm not losing my mind ,I'm seeing my dr today an I feel like I'm going to a new school sounds silly doesn't it I don't even know what to say to her , ok guys look aswell as coping with my past being triggered , I have never told any one I have  false teeth 17yrs ago I went to my Drs to be referred to the hospital to have them out (I was totally scared to death of dentists) while I was there he ended up convincing me to have 2moles of my face an 2 off my neck he told my to go to a dentist get a set of teeth made the dentist tried telling me it was stupid as I still had my own teeth in but I wouldn't listen to her so she made them for me anyway  I went back to hospital when I got them an he was telling me how amazing I would look when I woke up with new teeth an hair line scars on my face then will disappear after 6 months anyway since then I've lived with only the top set in bottom set was way to big and managed to use pads an fixodent an get away with it up till about 3 yrs ago I have to big scars on my face an neck and live on fixodent I feel so disappointed in myself for letting. Myself get in this shame full state and believeing that dentist I should have known better that someone wanted to do some thing nice for me an not want some thing back for it , my mouth is in a right mess at the moment as u can guess an hopefully they stay in to get to the Drs  I know this story is a bit of the tracks to this page but I'm to ashamed to tell my dr what I've done to myself any help would be grateful guys my brains like a jigsaw puzzle at the moment am even thinking of cancelling going 

HollyGCat

newborn said:

As to the psychology and the  labels and the up to the eyeballs drugs, ......you  say you have been going on  being cured for three years,  without improving.   Do you think you have answered your own question?      

Whatever else is being done to you , it certainly hasn't been empowering has it?  Hasn't  raised  your self esteem? Hasn't boosted your own strength? Hasn't got you back  your independence or your career?    

Didee51

Thank you so much Jeremy and I'm also very grateful for book suggestions esp Pete Walker's "from surviving to thriving" which I've just bought.

Also grateful to read everyone's posts ?

I've only very recently been diagnosed with cPTSD but at last I can put a name to the 'suffering and 'lostness' I've felt all my life. I know I've got a long way to go but now I know I'm not a crazy person, because all the symptoms fit!!  I've struggled greatly with fully trusting people and have lost many friends and colleagues due to the self-sabotaging aspect of this disorder, (always distrustful, I could never quite believe they were genuine) - this means, ironically I've lost the very ones I've really needed.

I'm going through a MH crisis - triggered by a house move and relocation to another town (after 36yrs) which sent me into a downward spiral. I've found the move very traumatic and is proving to be incredibly hard to cope. It's been explained that undoubtedly the house represented that safe and secure base which I never had in childhood and now that I don't have that, I've lost my security. 

I'm really hoping and praying that this new found knowledge of what I've been struggling with, along with all these many resources will gradually lead me and yourselves to a measure of peace. 

Sorry to go on but wanted you all to slowly get to understand me a little ?

HollyGCat

@newborn I probably have answered it, and the medications are probably the only thing they can offer; but it is frustrating when you want to find a way to live a life you can be content with.  Feel of some value.  My career was in the public services and that was where I felt I was doing something worthwhile.  I used it even when I look back.  Losing it was a significant trauma in its own right.  I felt I had fought for that career, fought to get there, then, I was put back where I belong.  With no hope of ever returning from it.  


If not the medication then what is there?  I just so want some hope that things can change.  I'm probably to used to, from my work to follow a set route to an outcome.  Its something I can follow and do.  I guess I'm conditioned to think this way.  Certainly your thoughts have given me something to raise this afternoon at the Psychologist.  


Your comments re my daughters Graduation are thoughtful and yes, its completely true that I had no choice, though, even though she says it was all good, it does make me feel like a failure.  Now I am supposed to have put your quote in my comment and I think I need my daughter to show me how to!!!!:)

JeremyJ

Cat19 said:

JeremyJ said:

I've tried EMDR and whilst it is 'the' recommended treatment I found it too linear ie if there was only one abuser and you could go to your first trauma memory then you might be able to process. But for multiple abusers and pre-cognitive issues I think it won't 'shift' or fix the problematic wiring up top - it's just too messy! 

My history is similar to yours (multiple abusers etc) and although I did EMDR with my first private psychotherapist, it didn't do much for me. It helped but not significantly. 3 years later I found a therapist specializing in 'attachment-focused EMDR' and it made a world of a difference. The EMDR modality changed massively in the last few years. Standard EMDR works best for ptsd, whereas attachment EMDR works for CPTSD. What I find fascinating is that together with my therapist I'm working on body memories from my pre-verbal state (anxiety in utero, traumatic birth, messed up events post birth etc) and it's helping tremendously.

This is not to invalidate your experience, I too was recommended ptsd therapies that didn't work for me. Only wanted to highlight that sometimes finding the right therapist can make a huge difference. 

Cat - thank you ? it’s what I can’t remember that troubles me as much as the things that I can. I didn’t know about this type of pre-cognitive  EMDR and will look into to. 

HollyGCat

Okay I give up....how do I take a quote and put it with the comment!  I used to think I was able to use a computer!  Can someone please tell me what I am supposed to click....thanks.....me

Cat19

I'm not sure this is the right way but what I do is click on the 'Quote' button, delete the text I don't need and only keep the text I need. I attached a print screen with the button.

HollyGCat

@gillian72 Your experience sounds awful and has obviously left you understandably terrified...but I hope you go as if you don't try you can't know.  Keep us posted if you can on how it goes, its brave and this I know.  Just go and the words will come.  Wishing you strength:)

JeremyJ

Didee51 said:

Thank you so much Jeremy and I'm also very grateful for book suggestions esp Pete Walker's "from surviving to thriving" which I've just bought.

Also grateful to read everyone's posts ?

I've only very recently been diagnosed with cPTSD but at last I can put a name to the 'suffering and 'lostness' I've felt all my life. I know I've got a long way to go but now I know I'm not a crazy person, because all the symptoms fit!!  I've struggled greatly with fully trusting people and have lost many friends and colleagues due to the self-sabotaging aspect of this disorder, (always distrustful, I could never quite believe they were genuine) - this means, ironically I've lost the very ones I've really needed.

I'm going through a MH crisis - triggered by a house move and relocation to another town (after 36yrs) which sent me into a downward spiral. I've found the move very traumatic and is proving to be incredibly hard to cope. It's been explained that undoubtedly the house represented that safe and secure base which I never had in childhood and now that I don't have that, I've lost my security. 

I'm really hoping and praying that this new found knowledge of what I've been struggling with, along with all these many resources will gradually lead me and yourselves to a measure of peace. 

Sorry to go on but wanted you all to slowly get to understand me a little ?

You’re definitely not crazy and totally agree about finding peace. I think the feeling lost and not trusting are very distreading. Re the trust and insecure attachment it’s really difficult - rationally all the evidence can point to a safe relationship but the sabotaging (fear response) hurt inner child will look for the one bit of undermining information to ruminate on and feel distressed about - it can be exhausting! I can only say that I feel fortunate to have met a nice person who is validating and kind - but this has been helped by me being able to understand myself, my reactions etc and own my feelings etc and to reassure them that my reaction is not about them but can be triggered by minor things thus feeling abandoned etc I’ve noticed a pattern in myself - I can start to feel hyper (excited/energy) over small things and often I’m prone to hypoarousal following a trigger, so I’m conscious already of signs of emotional disregulation and try to coach back or yoga/meditate back to the ‘zone of tolerance’

good luck on your journey too ? and thank you for your contribution.

HollyGCat

@Cat19
Thanks….I have impressed myself being able to tag you....I will have a go...here's hoping;)

newborn

HollyGC

....if not drugged, then what?.....well,......a relationship with someone who loves you, I should  think........We only  know the tiniest bit about you, but many of us would give an arm to have the close loving caring relationship you and your daughter share.  You both sound lovely people. 

.....Your hard earned career
Like a lot of us, we are rubbish at standing up for ourselves,  but feel all fired up when we recognise someone else  who needs to battle.      Its only my two pennies worth, but i have noticed when people are downhearted, just as when other people are zonked out on mind-numbing, they don't think straight.......Hmmmm, bit of a Duh there, as stunning insights go.

So, if you were so to speak 'sobered up' from drugs, or even beforehand,  there might  be ways to put your unusual combination of skills and experience to good use.   On line forums are a start.  Others need you.  You could make this world a better place, just as and when and how you are up to it.   There is no need for the harsh division between full time career or full time stare-at-wall.   


You know, and we don't,  exactly what might be done in theory,  even from  home.  My ideas are almost  certainly rubbish,  but yours won't  be.      (Just to give you something to argue against,  here are a couple of daft ideas: In time, perhaps you might manage a bit of unpaid mentoring for others in your own specialist professional area? Or fix up some alternative source of assistance if you know from experience there were some gaps in the official conveyor belt?

 

gillian72

@hollygcat thank you for your message I'm afraid I didn't mention it to her after her telling me she's sending me for a brain scan and mri on back again but I did ask to go back on Prozac which I have been on an off them for 30 yrs but didn't want to ask for them because I'm on so many painkillers I though she'd say no so little pat on my back for that lol  also I understand how u feel about ur daughter I missed my daughters 18th party she tells me it doesn't matter she just wants me to get better and I get lost in a fog most days and end up answering weeks later to some thing my kids have said 

gillian72

Has anyone been on the truth project website ?

newborn

Gillian72  re truth commission : Yes,  began to do the process but i would prefer to have some documentary facts.  I do know where, but don't  have the assertiveness to  get hold of it.   

The commission   didn't  give the least  impression they won't  believe people, or be at all disrespectful,   but  proof/evidence  would do no harm  at all, when  there are institutions or systems which could be changed,  to stop the bad guys getting opportunities. 

By the way, it's  absolutely none of my business whatsoever,  but as an outsider to the world of drugs, it surprises me how folk tolerate being doped to the eyeballs to the point it stops them enjoying family life (a Human Right).  Especially when they know,  and the doctors know, that the drugs are doing no good, and are doing harm in many cases, according to any evidence i ever read about painkillers, tranquillisers,  antidepressants alone or, worse,  combined, particularly  when consumed for extended periods.  Still, nothing to do with  me of course.   All best wishes.  

newborn

Jeremy J you say you are interested in what you can't remember.  Really most of my life has been best kept from me, by a kindly sensible brain.  For ordinary things my memory  seems excellent,  which is useful.

   Are you sure it would be somehow good  for you to go and peer closely into a cesspit?   I'm delighted not to re-live, re-experience or remember  anything much about whatever  was so bad the first time.  There are fragments and clues.  I wouldn't  call it flashbacks but just facts, little fraction of a second glimpses  of a sort of mental  video recording.   

Mainly it is, i admit,  information  which makes  sense of something,  and I'm  almost pleased  to be 'given'  some facts.  But luckily it is such  a  short glimpse  its more like a dispassionate  explanation than a re-enduring of any incident in detail or at length.   It's nasty to have to know about, worse to have happened to me, but mercifully the  jigsaw has 90% missing, which is fine by me.

Didee51

gillian72

Has anyone been on the truth project website

No gillian have thought about it but isn't it just relating to institutional abuse? Unfortunately mine was closer to home! ?