Complex PTSD and no help available

Didee51

Thanks again Jeremy, you seem to have excellent insight into the disorder and I appreciate your taking time to answer. This thread is proving to be incredibly insightful thanks to everyone's contribution 

JeremyJ

Hi Newborn

Yes - I want to be able to fully emote/feel, or as fully as I am able too. If I can’t connect with these early experiences I (my brain) won't
ever be able to process them - IMO.

So far - once I understood the nature and impact of early, sustained trauma (both as victim and witness), I’ve been able to relate awful feelings, mal-adaptive coping and disconnection, with early experiences and then mediate on the re-parenting work (See Bradshaw) which has helped me a lot. However I notice 1. That to a degree some stuff is stuck which I believe is pre-cognitive (altho I also can’t fully remember all of the childhood trauma - like you say fragments/clips and feelings. I think remembering, feeling, emoting etc is a path to healing), and 2. I need to maintain a healthy regime of self care. This feels like the right path for me.

Bless your kindly brain ?

HollyGCat

@newborn, I don’t think my session exactly or vaguely went to plan. I don’t have anything more valid to say than anyone else. My daughter has watched me fall to pieces since she was 17 (now 22). I think she is my greatest achievement and she is a joy (though I struggle/don’t) feel this. I can’t explain it. Tablets are not something that I would or would not advocate. At points I am sure they have helped, at points they have not. I certainly was never prepared, other than by the lack of nurture and subsequent nature to deal with any of this. Today I am at a low place. Tomorrow, who knows. I had strength, but did I? I am going to read it all again tomorrow and think. Right now. I just can’t. I think there was a lot of sense in your words but my tired mind has had enough of today. I just wanted to thank you for replying:)

SurvivingTara

It is really important that on forums  or social media sites where we are not actually not present with a person to read the real situation and be able to hold posters in a safe empowering space,  that everyone of us is mindful of our suffering brothers and sisters in the moment and  compassonately and kindly post, for we are not in the actual  space with them. Our posts aren't coming across as authoritarian parent and an outer critic ( re-enforcing our inner critic) which can make any of us feel judged and flash back to an earlier time in life. YES, we may have truth in our posts, like for example pharmaceutical drugs which are big business and GPs are gatekeepers of the industry to inadvertantly get people hooked on chemicals to expand business, they are trained in western world to believe they are helping. AND NO, drugs dont heal trauma only create (iatrogenesis) suppress symptoms of TRAUMA, (at any stage in life), or developmental trauma and emotional neglect and early attachment disorders(see pete walker p 108). The NHS or allied services/people are not trained to treat
 or find causes of our malady, just treat symptoms.
Everyone is doing the best they can to survive CPTSD, or trauma, etc, and we in western world have been conditioned since 1945 to go to a GP not complementary therapies or ayurvardic medicine to get to the root cause of our issue and release the energy blocks in the body. Point is, to understand many of us especially the younger generation  have been conditioned to supress symptoms. It is with compassionate support and knowledge that we need to empower suffering others in their quest for healing of the inner life, (and may even be a dark night of the soul or spiritual crisis- which the medical model does not recognise ,but pathologizes),  to be able to function once again. I want to learn that everyone is really ok on this forum today, for our ruminating minds and inner critic can awfulize things and make us feel not good enough when we are alone. We are all good enough, and doing the best we can with the tools we have been given. Love to you all. 

JeremyJ

SurvivingTara thank you, such an awesome and relatable post which has helped me feel a little bit more ok today.  

Chloe_Scope

Thank you everyone for continuing to share your thoughts and experiences on this! This is a really insightful and important thread on the community and I'm so pleased you've managed to find each other! If there is anything we can do to help then please do let us know!

newborn

The people  on this thread are a lovely  bunch, aren't  they?  To those  who can accept  it, please  could  I  send a little  virtual hug?   It is so lucky there are two sides to a coin, and the very fact that some pretty nasty things are done to us must automatically make us much more likely than average to be empathetic, i guess

newborn

Holly gc  yes, you do have something unique.   You seem  pretty  amazing  to  have achieved what you did in private  and  in  working life, and also still to be surviving despite  the  pathologising and despite the chemical  cosh. 

Apart from that, everyone  here has come  through,  still standing, after a fashion, which  wasn't exactly straightforward  for us, was it?  And each one has a different perspective due to our many and various different  experiences. 

Gillian72 it is a while  since I  looked at the truth site, but if they want to bring about changes,  they  will  need to grasp the extent of the truth they are investigating.   I think on Pandora's there are figures, but certainly the  people who do bad things are the ones who get the opportunity.   Mainly,  obviously,  that will be close to home.

People say they tried to tell a teacher, or so on.  If the government wants to make a difference,  the pathway to effective intervention must be so widely  known the entire population would instantly  know what to do. Like dialling 999, it has to be smooth and effective.  Foolishly,  there is an assumption  that a cowering powerless person will  gladly report and stand witness against a person holding power  over them. Adult or child, that is absurd.

There is a second major gap in officials' grasp of what they need to do.   The population in prisons, in mental homes, in early graves, and isolated and uncared for  in old age, are disproportionately likely to have endured the intolerable during  childhood.   

It says a lot for the survival strength of humans that we are also disproportionately likely to be the opposite of 'snowflakes '.  We typically are self sufficient,  hard working, independent and driven to achieve. It's  just that what is our strength, for instance self reliance,   can be our weakness, for instance isolation.  Being driven can run out. Being strong all alone can make loneliness a habit.  Needing nothing and always giving,  not asking, makes us kind, makes the world better for others, but reinforces our belief that others matter more than we do.
 (No Sense of Entitlement = no assertiveness)

Parliamentary do gooders appear to think it's ok to chuck a token grant to miss rantzen to run  Childline, and  a smaller one to Napac to put right everything else  from age 16 to 1006.   

HollyGCat

The isolation is crucifying. The loneliness which was always apparent is heightened. The stripping away of basic human rights is damaging and torturous. Reinforcing everything from what was experienced as a child/adult and keeping me in a place I fought to remove myself from or returning me to it. No it’s not been easy. Is not.

The sectioning process. Well, I have been subjected to further assaults and humiliation, where I know for sure that a person detained for crime would not routinely be subjected to, and if they were there are clear consequences for those acting with absolute abuse of power. The rights of someone sectioned for vulnerability is so violated I am personally horrified. 

I once considered myself strong. Now, I consider myself voiceless. I cannot make myself heard.  

@SurvivingTara, your post earlier did indeed resonate with me. It is so easy to feel you are being judged and because your experiences and or present is not something you may feel you can display, in this forum or in any.

I think, my support will come from listening and learning about similarities and differences. After all, not all our experiences have been the same. All though leaving the harsh marks we now have to fight to be ‘accepted’ for. 

Perhaps this means our route to survival, is not a one shoe fits all approach, to help.

@newborn, I think surviving after a fashion is about where I am. Inconsistently on occasion. Snowflake is certainly not something I am, just, lost with no clear path that seems followable.

I have had a difficult couple of days. So I’m off to do what I can to regroup with myself.  You are all in my thoughts and so are your wise words.

JeremyJ

Hi - I just thought I would post because this board had been a little quiet. I hope everyone is ok. I'm searching for help still with emotional release, in the short term I'm going to meet an emotional release therapist - I'm not really sure of the background but it comes from an holistic therapy point of view. My goal is to find an attachment focused EMDR therapist as suggested by Cat19. 

Am sure everyone with this condition feels that life is a struggle - I function really well in my professional life. My triggers at the moment are arising partly from being in a relationship - with a loving kind person - on the plus side I'm more able to be open and I follow the Pete Walker advice on educating my partner and feeling my way through things. On the downside there are times when I feel scared, I think it's an abandonment fear and also a trust issue (my rational adult sees all the evidence, my hi-jacking hurt inner child works against it and is powerful). When I was first diagnosed with CPTSD the psychiatrist told me that I would always have problems with relationships - so when someone tells me something like that my mind works in a way which just believes that this is the case (ie Jeremy - you find relationships hard because you have this condition, you are unlovable, there's something wrong with you etc - critical voice and the voice form my childhood that could never understand why  abusive things were happening). 

I also find that when I'm busy with work, kids, trying to please people etc etc I stop taking care of myself (less mediation, exercise, yoga, reading etc etc). So I have to double my resolve to try and get back into a better self care routine - without preventing myself form engaging with life. 

So relationships are hard for me and in some ways it would be easier if I was on my own but I think if I can let myself feel safe with someone I can allow myself to let out some of the emotion and pain and not be scared to show it (was anyone else chastised for being upset as a child too!). I think validation is so important and I despite my doubts (I'm sometimes feel that it's not fair for me to be with someone because of my condition but I also understand that it is her choice too). I feel lucky, my OH was kind to me this weekend and said that 'you carry so much pain, it has to come out sometimes'. 

So this is just me off loading some of my thoughts, feelings at the moment, my experience of being in a relationship (almost 1 year) and also that I find this forum helpful as a medium for sharing CPTSD experience. 

SurvivingTara

Jeremy J, thanks for sharing your journey as of late. One thing that came up for me, is when you said you were told you would always have problems with relationships. This is the worst thing any person let alone professionals can do is make a statement to you saying " you will always have, this or that, or its in your genes etc". Many medics do it, believing its helpful. Its not and not a true statement.It is what is called witch doctor stuff and has been known for centuries, and the way it works on people. The person we trust tells us this or that and so it is a self fulfilling prophecy. The mind does it for us. It makes it come true. Jeremy J, release this thought of you always will. Childhood developmental trauma, or CPTSD, symptoms until we have some healing and grounding,  affects adult life in various ways ( just because we experienced certain things early on) and it can be changed we can work through it and process it all. You are doing so well with the therapy and knowledge you are seeking, you are travelling.  It is a journey, set no time limits and no goal, peace and healing is on its way.

JeremyJ

SurvivingTara you're right and reading your reply, which made me feel emotional because it's validating and hopeful, has helped me. Thank you so much.

Cat19

Jeremy, so insensitive and unhelpful for a psychiatrist to say that. Yes, we will find relationships a bit more challenging than people brought up in healthy families, but 'you will always have problems with relationships' is 1) untrue, 2) disappointing and 3) hurtful. Please don't let that label you, it is not true. Especially since you're working so hard on healing yourself and having a loved one you can do all the healing work with of broken attachment. It is slow and hard going, but you will get there! Plus you're not just repairing your own broken attachment, but that of your parents/grandparents too since all this is passed down through generations. It's a HUGE amount of work which I believe is not acknowledged and appreciated enough, especially by psychotherapists (in my experience at least). You inner child will feel loved and ready to let go of old coping mechanisms that were crucial in helping him survive when growing up all alone, but aren't needed anymore in your adult life. It will happen and I'm saying it because I'm starting to walk this road myself. A big hug!

JeremyJ

Cat19 honestly, totally over whelmed by the supportive comments. I think some real life support groups would really help for CPTSD. Thank you for the kind words and right back at you with the hug and good wishes with your road.

Cat19

  !
Yes, fully agree on support groups. In fact I believe that will make all the difference since it will be about opening up to others and connecting with them. Which we didn't get as infants/toddlers/children. It's a shame our current state of society values individuality so much. It just makes us all so lonely and isolated, regardless of whether you have cptsd or not. We're social beings, we thrive in groups! It was within dance groups, acting groups and drumming group where I realised this; I was struck by this completely new feeling of being within a group and part of a group and connected with others (I was feeling both ecstatic to feel this for the first time; but also very scared as I was feeling inadequate and undeserving of it).

JeremyJ

That's so brave and energising - joining those types of groups where you're really exposed. I think also, the condition encourages isolation because it feels safer. I joined an after adoption help group a few years ago, it was ok but on reflection I can see that almost everyone in the group had CPTSD with no awareness. I think groups can give validation,  as well as connecting and opening up. 

HollyGCat

All, your opinions sought. I’m being offered a version of EMDR (it’s something my therapist tells me we have been doing).  I am not sure I understood that was what it was. I don’t make eye contact so it’s not being done with the whole finger moving thing. So anyway. I asked for more structure so I knew what I was working to.

I was handed a sheet and a contract telling me about the 8 point plan, (I found the whole contract, sign here suspicious). I feel like it was a bit back covering to show they’d tried and it had failed.

I read (UK) about NHS England’s WRAP policy, seems to me to be a ‘We will stop treating you in these circumstances’ policy. I am scared they are ticking boxes to move me on.

i know this is all a bit all over the place.

So, EMDR seems to be the only treatment I can find? But, I’m told I have never stabilised enough to move to point 3. I am thinking more and more that this is it forever.

Trigger#### mentions suicide

2 wks ago I took another OD but had no thought of death, just escape. And I was ‘not very present’. I feel like I’ve annoyed my MH team and that they’ve probably been told to get rid.

massive arguments In my home. All just awful. 

Dont really know what im asking

JeremyJ

HollyGCat 

On EMDR I found that this guy (Mark Grant - recommended by my psychologist), produces audio that really helps: https://overcomingpain.com/emdr-music-books-store/ so rather than eye movement it's sound based bilateral stimulation. I've also tried doing the eye movements on my own and when I'm outside sometimes. So it doesn't always necessarily require the finger movement as I understand it.
 
This is a brilliant survival sheet from Pete Walker http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm and something to connect with when things feel bad, not just flashbacks. I think point 7 is really useful on this list when feeling overwhelmed.

So sorry to hear that you're having such difficulties, it sounds really frustrating.

HollyGCat

@JeremyJ Thanks.  Will look. Just gets so tiring:-(

SurvivingTara

 Holly G cat, experiencing symptoms on the journey is tiring. It feels hellish at times, you are  good enough and worth life. Can understand how you feel when triggered by those who don`t know how to be empathic, compassionate and sensitive with others, when they have suffered. If you have made someone annoyed, so be it, you have a right to be you and speak. Hugs