Complex PTSD and no help available

thespiceman

Hello @SurvivingTara      Pleased to meet you.

Thank you for sharing your post, the honesty and openness of your abuse you suffered, the shared experiences.

Understand this one  learning aspect of any abuse you are never to blame, the onus is not on you.

Since I came on last year I think it was discussed my history of what has happened. All abuse, mental trauma and physical harm.

Not being believed by therapists, councillors the difficulty of explain to numerous medical professionals. There a big reason why many do not speak and talk bout the trauma.

Why being a profession as a phycologist or psychiatrist  and not ever understand any ones story.  Mystifying .

The problem with my abuse was it was my Mother. Only recently found out be open on here and sometimes being the stage of my life. Need to explain at last. I do think other stories the ones we all read the big scandals have made it the headline.

The right thing you have to do.

I feel so many not get justice from there abuser. Get light sentences no jail time  lack of proof or prosecution.

This does make me as Christian angry, emotional.

Having worked in volunteering children's charities seen the situation in some of those and do know did what I could to make issues and yet was demonised. Make to resign and my life difficult by those who are the protectors.

Of abusers who are many.  This is one of the major issues of abuse so many who side, cause and are part a wide circle of support to the abusers. The abuser  bullying, power, to instil the control.

All can say to you is sorry what has happened but there is something I think about.  Do know in my life now have the voice to speak out the courage the strength.

Believe in the Avenging Angel use my bible, Christianity and also talk about it.

One other point being in a lot mental health charities . Lots of safeguarding against vulnerable people.

Many times have reporting and reviewing of staff any problems with.  The clientele of the charities are informed at all times. Of their rights and there are care, concern much discussions of any issues with mental health and awareness.

Which has been a good thing.

You mentioned addiction first good you managed to stave off and cope. I have an addiction alcoholism . Been clean now twelve years. Happy to be supportive of others.

Please if I can help. Happy to advise or be a friend anytime.  Have compassion, empathy.

Understand your not alone with this.

Pleasure to meet you.

Please take care.

@thespiceman

SurvivingTara

Thank you Holly G Cat for your kind words and knowledge re your career. You really have something to give to the people in community. You can be by their side on disclosure of issues, with your inside training and knowledge. You know......Better on the outside than in....However, it is dangerous work. Reporting is often not an option as you say. Why would a child tell if they knew they would be physically killed by their perpetrator ?? It depends on who you get in front of you also, when you tell and their agenda.

As for my case, yes, it is a history. In 2015 I wrote it down and got it printed into book form. I did not get to publishing, because I had a breakdown. It was indeed cathartic in a way, strangely, when I saw it written down, I realized how challenging, daily the attacks and abuse at home and in the Sunday School  were.  It shocked me, for I had suppressed much to be able to carry on...For I promised myself father`s threats of killing me and proving me mad and a liar would not be a fulfilling prophecy. It became a mission to survive and function. But suppressed childhood and events, caused symptoms to rise and CPTSD got me in the end. The  negative energy was stuck, all those years in the body.

For the first time in my life, 2 years ago, I managed to source a very open, unconditional trauma therapist. It is not cheap, but its priceless the help I have and am receiving.  It is a long journey and am learning about myself, weaknesses and self nurturing skills I am lacking due to childhood abuse and trying to survive.

My father died in 2002, I hope he knows now and has had to face what he did in life. I believe he will have had a few questions to answer at his life review on the other side.

Yes, Thanks for informing me about the changes in policing and a victims right to review. I suspect like a lot of folks who have sought to get justice for victims, that these things are an appeasement gesture to society trying to support victims of crime. It is so big this abuse of children, they had to look as though they were doing something. Even big investigations are controlled and not investigated correctly. Evidence from victims and witnesses suppressed.

The investigators and good detectives are marginalized and often  got rid of..Promoted sideways..

The cases that do get through are, again an appeasment gesture to get people to think somethig is being done about this. Wrong....

I did try to bring the police in the area to book 10 years ago and ask for a review as matters had been hushed up. The investigation request was ignored.

I now have no illusion now, through research that many good honest police officers  who uncover certain crimes and who are whistle blowers, and take such information to their superiors are silenced and discredited, bullied and made sick, because they have found out the truth about what is happening at a very high level. It seems to be that it is the corrupt in these organization who under orders  suppress the truth, by whatever means.

The abuse and the using of children is global , institutionalized, accepted and is of mega proportions. The wrong people are discredited, to be able to cover up this big crime and trafficking of children. It is a sad indictment of society that children are used for ritualistic and personal abuse by some and disappear into the ether with regularity. 

Thank you again Holly G Cat for sharing, greatly appreciated...

SurvivingTara

Hello spiceman, thank you for your post and support.

Yes, a million times, this is common practice, "Not being believed by therapists, counsellors the difficulty of explaining to numerous medical professionals. There is a big reason why many do not speak and talk about the trauma".

This is all deliberate, practice, it is to discredit the victims and so the abuse in society can continue.

In  organizations and groups there are the corrupt placed, they inflltrate to choose their victims and provide for abusers who have no qualms about this. They were probably abused and  groomed themselves.

You say "Why being a professional psychologist or psychiatrist  and not ever understand any one`s story,  Mystifying"

They do understand only too well, and know exactly what you are talking about, and it may trigger memories of their abuse and are ashamed to talk about them, (they should take this  to a supervisor, they all have them), or these people are on direct cover up. Abuse of children is so big and many can`t or won`t deal with this area. That is why many and right to the top of organizations and families are getting away with these issues. It is dangerous to stand up to these powerful abusers......It is hard for many who care genuinely to get their head around such family and organizational crimes against children... That is why many are in denial...

Yes, crimes against males in society by women, was never accepted. This was part of societal culture in UK. People naively believed it did not happen and ministered to people from that agenda.  Re abuse of children happened. There is covert and overt incest. 

Yes, all addiction is part of a human beings attempts to cope with the felt symptoms of trauma, CPTSD which are not nice, so we push them away and think its helping... So many people who have addictions to something or other are running and trying to cope, distracting themselves from the horrors of abuse.. There is not much out there for traumatized children it is epidemic.

It has changed somewhat,  the belief in children, and their experience, but not enough. Males and females abuse and are colluders as well.

There are many corrupt games, people are caught up  in, when they enter some organizations and group,s and families are also part of it, breeding grounds for abusers.

Thanks again for sharing The Spiceman.

HollyGCat

Hello

is anyone awake. I am feeling poorly. I have people around me in my room. Demons. I can’t speak incase they hear me. I am scared. I need them to go. Please is anyone there?

thespiceman

Hello @HollyGCat   Sorry to hear this sorry not around to help this morning early. You know usually am just sorry.

Please if I can suggest you need to speak to some one, The Samaritans.

Call now 116 123 all calls are free.

Please can I also ask you need to think about contacting any of the links I gave you, these are important.

Understand everything, I do recognise what your going through.

I am aware of what a lot of this is. I can help as I have been there must say so many times.

Of course your scared, frightened and vulnerable but if you want the pain, the anxiety and everything else that your dealing with.

Then you need to think seriously about contacting some of the links I provided.

You have to recognise your issues and some times therapy does not work or you are not responsive to any treatment, this never ever any of your fault. Understand please I know this never blame yourself.

Guilty and emotions go together.  Causing more harm, hurt and starting issues again.

I had numerous therapists and counselling what worked for me is to speak to mental health charities with in any of those organisations.

Are a range of services to help you, many of them are useful, supportive and informative.

I will give these again here.

https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.

https://www.mind.org.uk.

https://www.rethink.org.

Please consider the first of those have a lot of specialist support.

We have talked privately and we can do again any time you wish to. I do understand and care about my friends.

I did not wish to add anything else here about you because I have respect and a lot of time for you.

Please if I can help or need a listening ear I am here talk to me PM, if that is OK.

Please can I also add that PM service a place for you to talk to any one like myself going through a lot of your own issues.

I just want to say that.

Please can add you have been given some support from the SCOPE team worth a look, please talk to them, together as a community we be supportive.

I am your friend, just thought an idea.

Please take care, keep safe and warm.

@thespiceman

Adrian_Scope

Good morning @HollyGCat.
It sounds like you were having a pretty rough time over the weekend. How are you feeling this morning?
I know in the past we've discussed making a social care referral on your behalf, but the offer is still there if it's something you feel might be beneficial to you. Just let us know by email if you'd like to talk about it on community@scope.org.uk

HollyGCat

This is hell on earth. I can’t deal with this Christmas stuff. I want everyone to go away. I am so nothing. I can see it. The disappointment I bring. I used to love Christmas once. I don’t remember what happinesses feels like. Counting the hours till this is done.

SurvivingTara

YES, Holly G Cat, for some, me thinks many, this time of year is hell for them, including me....It is NOT about, as you say "the disappointment you bring", you personally do not bring disappointment. Also you say you are nothing, this is far from truth, you are someone who is good enough, with a lot to give, who is triggered and re traumatized at this time of year, and that is where you, me, and a lot of others are right now....You hate this time of year like Many Many do..For example I have an elderly male neighbour who keeps himself permanently inebriated until new year, traumatized as a child he can`t bear this time of the year.

Also, there are many many folks who don`t like this time of year who perform for others and somehow get through it, with whatever coping strategies they use....

There is so much pressure to play happy families, laugh, and make merry. it is in one`s face and is upsetting to some, this falseness, which is Man made and commercial..

The media and TV is bad for this, it is in your face, this happy families lark. It tries to make one feel bad if you have not got it........For me it triggers traumatic events in my past, and have to switch off advertisements which play on the emotions and try to guilt trip you...

I have been particularly triggered into a panic attack by seeing people, who think they are doing good, going into hospitals and involving the speaking to doctors and nurses, with their gear on.  I was dumped age 6 in 1952 in a hospital for 4 months and never visited and not told I would live. To see this sort of pop up unexpectedly before one`s eyes triggers one.

Also father ruined every christmas he was a drunk, abusive **** extraodinaire. So I don`t have happy family memories of childhood christmases. This time of year triggers lots in me, so you are not alone Hollly G Cat....

Yes, there is the religious meaning of christmas. There is the winter solstice meaning of this time, and many do enjoy this time but they may not have had bad experiences, and don`t understand what effect it has on some..

I share with you, I can`t stand the false gaiety and happy family - cooking programmes for this time. So you are not alone, and I have stopped pressurizing myself to like what re-traumatizes me...

I have had to phone the Samaritans, in the last two days as I could not get hold of my therapist, she took a break.

So Holly G Cat you have normal emotions and feelings like all people who have been traumatized, and are being triggered at this time of year....

Chloe_Alumni

Really sorry to hear this @HollyGCat, I know it cannot always be an easy time of year. How are things at the moment.

Thank you for sharing this @SurvivingTara, and I'm sorry you too find it hard due to your past. What you said is spot on though. You're both amazing and most certainly not alone.

HollyGCat

Happy New Year all. Fighting the world and getting nowhere. Still fighting though. Just. Hope 2020 is better for us all

SurvivingTara

This year if we only read one book  it could be this one, 
 We can't fight the world or system alone, they are too powerfully created and embedded in society and those in it often won't or can't understand truth or another way. 
Many many people have suffered trauma and have CPTSD through trauma, we don't need re traumatizing by those who are in caring professions.

JeremyJ

Tara - thank you, I will look at that. Whitfield is frequently reference by Bradshaw and Walker - I love the cover illustration, Friedrich's' wanderer above a sea of fog' and it's also my 12 yr old daughters' screen saver. Such a relevant image. And! yes CPTSD is not a mental illness, it's a childhood developmental disorder - however DSM based diagnosis and pharma or inappropriate (CBT) treatment will likely promote mental illness/be maintaining factors for CPTSD rather than allowing healing of these early wounds.

My current and recommended read is https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/recovery-of-your-inner-child-the-highly-acclaimed-method-for-liberating-your-inner-self_lucia-capacchione/245916/#isbn=0671701355&idiq=1843488 this has arisen from your previous advice regarding attachment based EMDR - I've found a really good therapist and am embarking on a phase of trying to work through this and it's really profound, powerful and scary.

My last thought is a quote from the closing credits of JoJo Rabbit from the German poet Rilke and goes: 

Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final

Just keep going, best wishes to all

SurvivingTara

Thank you Jeremy J, and yes the book you flag up is brilliant. My tatty copy, had for years, is well worked.. 
All the best with EMDR...

HollyGCat

Crisis Team put phone down on me twice last night.  I say #trigger suicide
"Im feeling suicidal"
Crisis Team say "Download an app on Mindfulness"
I say, I'm not well enough to do that, I've been dissociating for hours and I need help"

Crisis Teams says "Your being rude by not doing what I am suggesting"
I say "No, your suggestion is not going to make any difference to me now, I need help"
Crisis Team says "I'm going to record you are refusing to do any interventions and are being rude to me"

I said "No I'm not, I'm asking for help because I feel suicidal"

Crisis Teams says, call the Police then.  I then spent the next 25 minutes speaking to this woman who refused to offer any support, blasphemed at me and then put the phone down for the final time.  I didn't swear, I was sarcastic and did not pass her attitude test, because she was making me worse.  I asked her, "Will this mindfulness app stop me taking the tablets now" she replied "its used around the world so yes".  I said, "this is ridiculous, you are the crisis team and I am telling you I am in crisis and you are telling me to get off the phone and download an app, which I am currently too unwell to do, you are not helping, is there anything else you can suggest"  She replied "No".  Absolute waste of time.  So I took some more pills and passed out.  .

And despite being told I was under them, she told me I wasn't.  So Yet again I have been given false information (in email).
No Psychologist appointment for 4 weeks.  No one gives a ^&&**  

Feeling stoned!  My stepson tried to take his life this week. I talked him out of it.  It had knocked me about somewhat.  MH Services are rubbish.  May as well just keep popping the pills till my liver gives up.

SurvivingTara

HOLLY G CAT, you have given us a graphic example of experience of how people with trauma are treated in the NHS in uk, hope you recorded it....many of us have experienced abandonment by NHS who refuse to deal with you if you won't comply or take toxic drugs. 
It is what it is, its like that....
So,  not at all surprised at your once again experience with a medical model of health, toxic drug ridden crisis team.
They cant help behaving as they do. They are trained that way, they know no different way...
Also, drugs mask our trauma and make us behave in certain ways, suicidal thoughts are a contra indication of them.
The mental health/ crisis team know this but wont tell us, blaming and causing patients to believe its their fault. No....
We have shared on here that we can be barking up the wrong tree, when asking for help...
We also shared we have to look elsewhere for support, not with something thats not working, eg medical model of health.
Also, can hear how desperate you feel, but there are alternatives. 
Hear how you want the feelings of anger, desperation etc away, all symptoms.....To kill yourself or take a overdose gets relief of symptoms, because the NHS won't hear you and deal with trauma and frustration, but it is a waste of a good enough person's life, albeit traumatized, which needs help with an alternative. Throw your energies into finding this, we all have had to do it to move towards change.There must be someone in your area who will help.
Your life is important to those who know and listen.
You cant force the NHS to do anything differently from the medical model approach, no matter how hard you try.

HollyGCat

They are coming out at 5 PM to assess me.  I am worried.  I've kicked a complaint up the chain and I am scared they will lock me away.  I don't want to be locked up, there are sex offenders in those places.  Some of whom I will have arrested.  I'm scared stiff.  All I asked for was a call once in a while.  Why is that so hard to achieve?  Even my psychiatrist laughed when I told her some of the things that had been said to me last night.  Especially the bit when I asked her if her suggested app would help with my condition.  She having said yes was then asked by me, what is my condition?  She didn't know!  If they lock me up ill be dead within 24 hours.  I know their hand dryers have sharp edges.  Easy #trigger (death) to cut wrists with... the place they take me to Kingsley Green is hideous  They gave me a mans nappy to wear last time due to time of the month and no toilet paper.  Sucked through their teeth at me.  Its a really scary place and not much scares me.

SurvivingTara

You are heard Holly G Cat.
One wonders why good enough Holly GCat who has much to offer  wants to destroy itself. What is undeneath this that is making her feel like that ????
Yes, many would be scared if the threat of locking one up by un empathic others was apparent.
Again, Holly GCat, you need a mental health advocate / buddy.
Good everything and strength to you at 5.00pm.

Grinchy

Hey, great thread, lots of info, i have been diagnosed with complex PTSD for around five years now, due to abuse i went through as a child, on a variety of tablets which keep getting changed around every six months or so by my psychiatrist, he is nice and does his best, i am a bit stuck at the moment not sleeping right have nightmares, flashbacks, i also suffer with non epileptic attack disorder, which occurs sometimes daily, i had CBBT which just seemed to make me remember more and more horrible stuff and didn't seem to help, once this covid thing has passed, i need   to see my psychiatrist and dr and see about maybe going back on the list for talking therapy, i've had that before and that seemed to help, anyway i've rambled on enough, thanks for reading