How is your day going?

I’m just questioning why I’m doing things at the moment, I feel ridiculous going to the cinema on my own but also embarrassed as well. I’m ashamed that as a former gardener that three months since getting the barrels and plants that nothing apart from a bit of varnish has been done.

I’m just also questioning myself with money and inability to save up to get my flat decorated. I just don’t like that I spend so much on take away each month even though I get shopping in.
I wish I had a directive in place for someone to have control of my finances and all aspects of my life.

I do wish that in 1983 that Dr’s and Nurses hadn’t succeeded in keeping me alive, I’m just glad I’ve got a Funeral Plan in place for the future.

I don’t like who I am, how I look, I’m ashamed that I’ve let down all of my family and loved ones, I deserve to be on my own, I’m a train wreck of a person, my head is seriously snookered, as is my body, I’ve just got nothing going for me, I’m angry, horrible, u just, uncaring, cold, defensive and absolutely the last person anyone on this earth should be within a mile of.

As of next week I am going to go back to isolating myself, not speaking to the outside world, I’m cancelling my trip to Antalya, if I can’t look after myself then how could I look after a pet, I don’t care what happens to me anymore and couldn’t care less that I’m still here in the next five years!

Ideally they should have turned off all life support machines in 83, then all the **** from the last 42 years wouldn’t have happened. All those that were involved in my life would have had a better life without me in it. I honestly no longer care about myself or what happens to me going forward, I’ve just decided I’m giving up fighting, sick and tired of the never ending cycle I’m on every day. I’ll just continue to do the bare minimum to function each day, yeah I have plans in my head but I’ll not act on them, just keep them in storage. As of next week I’ll just go out as and when required, only to visit the GP, CMHT, Dentist or Hospital. I’m just gonna send money into a bank account and delete the app so that I can’t touch it. Someday I may get the flat decorated, other than that I couldn’t care less. I’m horrible, vile, irritable, nasty, not to be trusted, don’t have a heart and can’t be counted on. Best thing for everyone is to just forget about me, I’m dead already to many people!!

I am gonna go back into isolation, I’ll interact with my neighbours and health professionals. I just can’t survive in this modern world full of hatred, judgemental, untrustworthy and downright despicable.

I myself know where I stand on myself as a person, I know my flaws, I own them, I retain the right to acknowledge that due to my mental health challenges I see myself differently to how others would see me or have a different opinion of me.

Due to a lifetime of hurt, distrust, being made the scapegoat for how my mental health made me as a child, alongside just a rough 42 years starting from my first breath, I’m exhausted and have nobody to fight my corner, tell me I’ll be ok, give me a hug. But that’s ok, I’m better off alone, I’ve accepted some day over the next 20 years the final bell will be rung and I’ve made my peace with my past. I refuse to look beyond tomorrow let alone the next hour as quite frankly I don’t even know who is the person that’s gonna wake up the next day.
I have many flaws, carry many open wounds, have many battle scars and a head that inside is like every major battle in history on repeat.

I have to walk this path alone, I can’t let anybody in, I have to keep people out, I am a humble person, I am very fragile, the slightest thing gets to me and I have always wore my heart on my sleeve.

I know by just going to the cinema today, that’s going to take me two to three days to recover from it, I have to hit pause, reset, rest, take time out, spend time in bed if needed. If I do to much to soon, it just breaks me into bits. I probably shouldn’t have done as much as I have 8 days and I know deep down I’m gonna pay for it.

I am my own, judge, jury and executioner…..

good morning to you so dark still even earlier on at around four going dark think can affect my depression when days all dark

Good morning all

Miserable morning

I. Didn't sleep well last night

Did the 6.5 miles in the end, and i couldn't have been any wetter if I tried. My scooter looked like it had been fished out a river, Gus not much different. Glad it's done though.

I have a Sainsbury's delivery this afternoon. It is only Monday, but I guess it will be the highlight of my week!

Gus doesn't care about the weather, minus 5 or pouring rain etc. I don't care either, within reason, but my scooter isn't really meant to go out in heavy rain.

Was raining when I got up

Dry now

Chiropodist tomorrow

Nurse Friday

And heart scan on Saturday at the hospital