Back from The Brink ...
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Hi @Santosha12 β¦ you should have recorded the conversation with the workmen for the spider removal π that would have been classic gold β¦ I can imagine the errrr OK you want to employ me to come round to β¦ it'll be Β£10 a leg missis β¦ joking aside, phobias are phobias and whilst irrational to others β¦ totally validated by those suffering from them
Your words β¦ " The police are not interested in foreign spiders " I don't like drinking plain water, and the one time I have lately β¦ nearly drowned on it reading that. Really want to use a swear word to describe how much that tickled me. I'm allergic to bananas so don't have to worry about being dragged into a bunch of them πBut yep, have read the tales and gone all cold from the thought. Same as the stories of house plants from hot climates 'hissing' when watered β¦ I'd be like, Okayyyy you can have the house, just remember to wipe all those feet, because she will give you grief π
Apart from spiders I'm only scared of my mind finding the darkness again and weirdly a stretch of road about 10 miles away. It's no different to the rest of the road but for 300 yards of it I'm very uneasy, so much so people have laughed when I've slowed from 60 ish down to 40. It's like I feel something bad happened or is going to happen β¦ or people are right and I'm just strange π€©
It sounds like your Dad had a way with words too, never underestimate the written word
I'd forgotten about Geronimo, I think Alpacas are one of the cutest mammals around and it's such a shame that it took the course it did. Especially if I remember correctly the post mortem results were inconclusive ? Cute or not I hate the abuse of any animals β¦ I can't watch the donkey adverts without a tear in my eyes. As for Big Game Hunters β¦ put them in a warzone and see how they feel about someone shooting back. Or if they really want to embrace their inner caveman, a stone club to see how big and brave they are. I remember seeing a photo of a pro hunter posing with a sheep in shetland or somewhere like that and thinking wow you're so hardcore. **** They must have psychopathic traits ?
Creososed β¦ close. Creosote but you can only buy Creocote (oil based) now, because creosote was banned for domestic use due to it's chemical makeup. I used to love the smell too, but then I love the smell of petrol β¦ creosote was not something you wanted on your skin especially in the sun, I used to get some lovely burns π« < < < < < < Drivel π
Right Here Waiting β¦ I felt for him, he was a really nice bloke, but ohhh it was too much at that time of the morning. I was only getting 4 hours sleep because of the early starts without that so I had to say something. But I was very tactful
And you're right β¦ melancholy and music, we've all been there. It's certainly got me out of some lows. Although the last big break up I had with the Psycho ex, I didn't have time for music only banging doors and the sound of an empty bank account π€£
It's only later in life I realised she was coercive. Alienating me from my friends, had all sorts of things bounced off my head just for talking to another woman β¦ even shop workers. So I threw myself into work and earning trying to please her. Quite ironic that she developed leg problems β¦ as in couldn't keep them closed πHundred of albums destroyed because she found another girl's name on one. Still never laid a finger on her, maybe why I went berserker at police brutality and the total dis-respect of being spat in the face. When there was no crime. Fast forward 3 years, come out to the clothes on my back, went in a non smoker and came out β¦ well a substance fiend, and many many thousands of pounds poorer with the PTSD from the trauma all to come when I thought it was buried. Fun and games
Worst thing was the kids. Poisoned against me, reconnected then given the ultimatum β¦ me or her. Couldn't blame them for choosing her. But still
At least i can write what I think is great music from my life π
The thing with your lungs sounds so scary, are you on steroid inhalers or pills ?
My neck β¦ between the police and my traumaists - it's a no no to the point I can only wear V neck t-shirts and never wear a tie.
Regression β¦ I've always been interested in that and would love to do it, but the PTSD element of not being in control, and knowing my luck, I was a real bad person have always put me off. But i bet you found it all so fascinating, if a freaky like you said. I'm not a God person, but do believe in spirits β¦ too many sightings in the small estate I live on for everyone to be bonkers. It's built on the grounds of an old mansion, which later became an old peoples home. Some interesting tales, maybe for another day
I hope the storms missed you, we had one for over 7 hours, rain, thunder, lightning and apparently Ruudy didn't flinch down the flat . Unlike me β¦ gave her the choice in the end, either stop filming the storm or sleep in the spare room, it's 2 a bloody clock π
Well this is going to blow up Scopes server, anything I missed, apologies but read and taken in β¦
Take care
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@Santosha12 β¦ sorry, I didn't mention your CPTSD β¦ I sincerely hope you're in 'remission' and that you had the help you needed/ deserved
It's a cruel thing. It's amazing how much grief the mind has to take
Don't Walk On By β¦ I've always let my kids make their own choices and live their life their way, but always tried to instill empathy into them. Thankfully that has carried through into my helping the Homeless whenever possible. In my case it's a few coins, a drink, a meal
My daughters is to take time on a night out to sit and talk to people she's helped in the past, in her job as a Paramedic, my son who can be one of the most selfish people I know, when he was living in Liverpool, every Friday night would buy a hot meal, a book and a few cans and sit with a homeless man. So my work on empathy was done
None of us like to feel Invisible. Doesn't have to be material things, just a nod and a smile β¦
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I'm so sorry about your drink of water @WelshBlue - I really do write as I speak so forewarned and all that, put your drink down, now I just had to about the spiders legs charge π. I wish I'd taped the calls now, one said what if he gets here and it's done a runner meaning I'd still get charged and could cost more if moving furniture etc/more time to access it. Hence my own spider catchers but still sort of end up screeching quietly when removing any as I don't want and wouldn't intentionally kill them but do find them just gross.
I'm so sorry to read that about everything your ex did and poisoning your kids against you. I'm truly so glad for you you're out of that but it can leave its mark, even years later. Your daughter and son have your traits of compassion and humanity and sound like very wonderful human beings with beautiful hearts.
Yes my inhalers are steroids, well one of them is, it's hard to know sometimes what are side effects from the corticosteroids and which are the long covid. I'm still trying to work that one out.
Oh I didn't think you were mean at all to your neighbour sorry, mine just ignored me when I complained so it was easier to just move ππ¬π€£, mainly because of the muttlets though! And sleep is so, so important... we had the thunder and lightning here, it woke us at 0030hrs and I just waited until 0430hrs to try and sleep again as I couldn't risk it waking me again so watched the weather apps ALL NIGHT π€ππ¬ to see if I could be prepared for it better but no, doesn't work like that! And a facebook page about which way it was heading definitely didn't help. Duh. Have to stay calm for the muttlets but what can you do? Poor Scarperlina was frightened/whinging. I just say 'ooh they're just having a party' which seemed to settle her a bit.
I thought it had struck my TV as that went off this morning in the bedroom but after all my checks and moving it off the piano with its ridiculous portable aerial, into the kitchen it turned out the fixed power cable was half torn, yeeks, so that's now got to go. It's only a 22inch and cheaper to replace after ringing a TV repairer. So the storm did me a favour really as I wouldn't have seen the damaged cable. Teach me to take more care and not drag/stretch it when trying to clean!
Contd...
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Omg i couldn't film the storms, I couldn't even watch the videos people put on FB, didn't want to know what was coming, my imagination is enough, I was googling will it affect my solar panels or set my new alarm off connected to something in the loft ? alternator, all as bad as any horror film π«’π€£. Had visions of having to escape through the living room window with the muttlets and call the fire brigade being stuck outside in the rain and lightning tch tch tch (they're tutting sounds!).
TRIGGER WARNING:
I was diagnosed with cptsd in 2016 initially by a clinical psychologist. She caused it, well, not the cptsd but she was a psycho-analytical psychotherapist and the sessions resulted in horrific flashbacks, first time ever, they were visual and auditory and then depersonalisation and derealisation which were all just too overwhelming, leading to being suicidal. I stopped seeing her and sort of 'fixed' myself. But there wasn't really any 'going back' for me having known that ones mind can really become that fragile.
I wasn't really in remission and just struggled on as I was then really busy with my mum though I got help off another clinical psychologist who was part of my LC clinic in Liverpool, in 2023-2024, when it all happened again. I only accepted minimal help off him as I then did not trust ANY of them and wouldn't let them 'mess with my mind' again as it was very serious/suicidal again. There is a comedic side to it as when I googled the times of the fast, non stop trains well, they're not on the App (if they're not stopping) so that wasn't an option,difficult to plan and I was aware enough not to want to cause harm to anybody else. The river I learned was only 7ft deep so that wasn't an option; not that I'm 7ft tall ha ha, only 5ft. Some of that period also coincided with my gp stopping my HRT suddenly after c 12 yrs, I wasn't housebound then but wasn't safe to go out for c 7 weeks. Got put back on that luckily.
I protect myself by mainly grounding but that doesn't always work but I try. I cannot practice mindfulness as that takes my mind their and I cannot allow my mind to reach that darkness and fragility again..... I've had counselling and psychotherapy since but I cannot engage with it honestly as I cannot revisit stuff, mostly childhood trauma from 0 to 14 but some severe from adulthood so there's no point. I forgive nobody. I don't mean for words but harm done towards me from sisters primarily and so called 'friends', particularly when they've known my vulnerabilities, they deserve no place in my mind, heart etc and get none. I am ok with all of that. I just will never let them in again, some can be truly dangerous and I say that from a position of sanity πππ. I, luckily, don't give a rat's behind if anyone else has the arrogance to question that ha ha - only someone who's probably faced abject severe trauma will understand my meaning. I just protect myself and my muttlets.
So I live in 'protective' mode but alongside hypervigilance, not great but I'm not unhappy. My muttlets truly are my world and deserve only love and happy days which is what they get.
There is a scientist, Elizabeth Robinson who wrote about the 'Telomeres' [DNA] whose research contributes an awful lot about aging but particularly in the context of early years trauma. I've read it c a decade ago but can't revisit that for now.
Oh Geronimo.... cont'd.... I nearly said onto a more brighter note.... obviously not BUT some of that story might well be soon as the badger culling may be stopped and licences not renewed, another one though for a bit of a trigger warning possibly ....
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@WelshBlue Had to get my 2021 diary notes out for some of this but remembered most: just briefly there was a lot of disagreement even about Geronimo's post mortem results as DEFRA claimed that his PM results showed TB-like lesions but Dr Iain McGill, the veterinary scientist who supported Geronimo's owner, Helen Mcdonald, said that he believed DEFRA's failure to culture bacteria showed it was extremely unlikely he had TB. There's so much argument too about the antibodies and antigens and the testing methodology. The Camelid Veterinary Services wrote an interesting paper on it all in the autumn of 2021 and were urging owners to still submit their animals for voluntary testing not least as it's a horrific disease for cattle and alpacas to suffer and not least the terrible impact on farming.
My 'interest' in it was more about 1. That DEFRA are most definitely not always right, the inhumane and mass culling of badgers for one and 2. The abhorrent way in which the vets and officers who attended did not euthanase him at his home and clearly had no knowledge of camelids' behaviour. It was unnecessary cruelty beyond comprehension.
TRIGGER WARNING Interestingly, and a very good move is the likely stop on the culling of badgers though not before time and the vaccination of cattle and badgers. c a quarter of a million badgers have been culled even though it's known that c 94% of bovine TB are spread from cow to cow. The culling is utterly inhumane with the badgers shot with a high powered rifle and between 7% and 18% taking over 5 minutes to die and cage trapping used. The licensing of farmers to shoot and kill as part of this mass slaughter was an abhorrent strategy.
The 'All Welsh Badgers Found Dead' group's showed 13.3% were infected with bovine TB which dropped to 7.3% in 2014 to 2016.
Finally and importantly .... evidence shows that the mycobacterium bovis a slow growing aerobic bacterium - the causative agent of TB in cattle - is found in slurry surviving for up to six months in stored slurry, two months in summer and six months in winter.
I probably don't need to say that the reduction and hopefully the move towards stopping the licences for the culling of badgers is to be welcomed. It won't be of course by the NUF who choose to ignore the evidence and continue to support the culls despite evidence showing there's an increased risk of tb spread from culling (all available info on the website below). I've not recently read the NFU's updated strategy on bovine TB but I know their stance; it's interesting to me though and hugely concerning that they don't get their own house in order.
The Badger Trust (www.badgertrust.org.uk) are the best place for information, they work for the protection and welfare of badgers including their setts and habitats.
So I've gone off on a tangent again.... some matters are worth doing so π« π. Chris Packham is one of the most vocal on his stance on this incredibly cruel, and ineffective, mass slaughter of some of the most beautiful of our wildlife, others include Dame Judi Dench, Sir Brian May and there are many others. Including little old nobody me; I'll always be on my soapbox on this issue and will always support the Badger Trusts' work. Our wildlife is just that - ours - and for the generations to come.
So for me it wasn't just about one much-loved and cared for alpaca but the utterly inhumane actions of so called 'professionals' who were in a position to know better and the fact that the science, and evidence, is being ignored more widely. The End. ππ.
I hope you have a lovely, relaxing evening Welshblue and no storms for tonight at least! Take good care.
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@Santosha12 β¦ I haven't got time to reply tonight, but if you sign in I just wanted to say β¦ well you're not on your own as much as an online friend can be there for someone β¦
One thing I have got time for β¦ instead of a new TV, could you fix the flex with this ?
Take care and I hope you have a calm night
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Thanks so very much @Welshblue I really do very much appreciate that! I've had a look at the Lead Connector, thanks too for thinking of a solution for me, I'm not very good at them especially when electrically related π π π. My TV has only got a 5 amp fuse which I can see from the plug without opening it but it looks like a sealed plug that can't be opened. Unfortunately I cannot grip with my hands/fingers anything as intricate as wires/screws, I can't even cut my dog's nails as very little grip and have to use my mouth to open pull rings/tins (with a tea towel of course for protection); needs must. My new TV is coming later today and got to arrange a collection of mine for Β£15.00 as it can't just go in the bin so that's outside now as I don't want it to cause a fire not that it probably could if it's not plugged in but not taking any chances π¬ππ .
It's only a 22" from Argos but only c 115.00 with delivery and 'Freely' which can be connected to the Internet to avoid using an aerial, I've not heard of Freely before but has an aerial connector port too if needed. Very clever what they come up with π« π.
Weirdly, I'd been unable to get Classic fm on my radio for ages and suddenly got it easily last night.
One of my dogs (Snicket) has got canine cognitive dysfunction and sundowns/cries every night. Got a plug in from 'Pet Remedies' which was recommended to me and replicates the pheromones from their mother (I think) well, not a murmur from him last night bless him, he slept like the ten year old sweet baby π«¨πββοΈ that he is and without any distress at all which is amazing.
How did 'we' get from electrics/TV to 'doggy dementia'. Ah π, 'cos it's me ha ha. Thanks again Welshblue - I'm very grateful for your idea. No worries at all about when you may reply (lot to digest/unpack there!! π« π) but I do appreciate your reply, very kind of you. 'It is what it is' as they say (hate that phrase) π. Take care and I hope you have a good day.
PS Don't let my musings take you away from your music, rather poetic that I thought π Seriously, you'd never get anything written, 'Don't Walk on By' I look forward to listening to that today π
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Thank you for your post, alas I am in said PTSD spiral. I've stopped reaching out as my GP just tries to prescribe SSRI's.
Anyway, your post has given me hope & whilst I wouldn't wish this awful thing on anyone it does make it easier to hear I'm not alone in the struggle.
I've not listened to the music yet as it can stir up big emotions (music) but I'll make sure to listen later.
Take care & best wishes.
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156 appointments? Blimey, I thought 3 appointments in the space of 4 days the week before last was bad enough, and 2 of 'em were at the Dentist.
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@Santosha12 β¦ firstly the trivial after you unpacked so much here. I feel honoured not burdened π
Freely TV's β¦ brilliant things. I bought one a few months ago for the spare room after decorating it β¦ mainly because I couldn't be bothered going into the attic to run an aerial, cutting holes in walls etc - best choice I made. Basically streaming TV (Live TV too )connected to your WiFi and all the Apps you need. Even got MiraCast for your phone to display on there. I'm a tightwad when it comes to money and you get a lot of technology bang for your buck with TV's these days
Electric β¦ The Devil's Juice as I call it. Not something to mess with. I'll do the basics like adding a new socket to an existing Ring but that's my limit. Light fittings β¦ too many terms like Switched Live to get my head around. Something is either Live or it's not π
I think my life is one big anaecdote β¦ some memory about everything π€£
The other week I installed LED striplights around panelling in the living room but they were too bright β¦ I know I thought β¦ I'll get a dimmer switch β¦ ordered, came and I fitted it β¦ turned the plug on - A HUGE bang, a flame and smoke. My daughter was home and shouted down β¦ what was that
That was your Dad being your Dad β¦ effing stupid. I'd ordered one you connect to a 24v car battery not 240 v house supply. The poor transistor never stood a chance. All sorted now, but the saying is true β¦ a lil' knowledge can be a dangerous thing β¦ especially in my hands π
And on that front I'm like you. Got the grip of a new born at times. Years ago after a car crash a Harley St. doctor estimated by computer tests I'd lost 40% of grip, add or subtract the digits I lost later and that diminished further, then this stupid disease β¦ so I spend more time getting frustrated at dropping things, especially small things. Makes me wonder how the DVLA let me keep a Full licence β¦ so I must be safe, just not to myself β¦
Doggy dementia β¦ that is quite a leap π€£ But bless him. I think I've got quite hard in some ways after all the therapy β¦ I always find it more upsetting when I hear of animals suffering with what people think of as 'human' illnesses than I do with people. For example I never cried when my sister died, but the other week I heard a relatively young Rottweiller I've only met a few times has got inoperable cancer β¦ took me ages to dry my eyes. Gutted.
I'm glad the plugin brought him some comfort, something new I've learnt again, about the pheromones. I'm sure he gets lots of cuddles to remind him he's loved
I do the Ahlzeimers Lottery but I'm sure they've forgotten to post my winnings β¦
Joking aside (even a very tasteless one), I actually do. Mainly because my daughter rang up one day from Uni crying β¦ all the course work they'd done on the subject pointed to me either contracting Dementia or Ahlzeimers because of history. Or so she says. I dunno, not something I want to think about or look at Dr. Google about.
And don't worry β¦ nothing gets in the way of me writing lyrics β¦ shutting my head up is the problem. Maybe I should put a dimmer switch in my brain πIt it goes wrong the electric shock may help β¦
Back later to input on the earlier posts β¦ I've got a day of having to buzz around for other people when I feel like a deflated balloon. I hope the weather is like it is here for you β¦ so very cool.
TBC
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@justsaying2025 as you say, music can stir up big emotions. I make it because I find it therapeutic, but we're all different, and all have to cope with the alphabet that labels us differently
I think the best thing anyone with PTSD can have is to keep holding onto the hope but all the time trying to remember β¦ the memories can't hurt us anymore physically
If you decide to listen, I hope it isn't triggering in any way and I wish you a calm day
@SheffieldMan1976 β¦ I know right. Dedication and utmost Love by Santosha for her mother.
I hope the dentist was pain free π
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I've
spent the past couple of days randomly laughing in my head about the phone calls for spider services. Just imagining the thoughts and the looks on their faces that must have happened. But I get it β¦ desperate times call for desperate measures β¦ the part about β¦ what if I get there and it's done a runner. Fair play, good answer β¦ or he was serious ?What happened with my ex is in the past with me, β¦. I still blame myself for not walking the German girl back to the campsite she was staying in, instead of buying that thing a drink. π
Losing touch with the kids was and is still hard at times but what can youdo β¦ people like us are good at compartmentalising, so got to let it be. They were adults when they made their choice. It's not as if I didn't make an effort when they were younger β¦ even absconded on
a Home Leave from HMP to find them when she buggered off to Ireland and not let me know she was moving there. I found them, spent a few hours and came back to Wales where I handed myself inFunny thing is, when the prison officers picked me up from the police station we stopped for a pint on the way back to Wolverhampton β¦ because you're not getting out for a while again π€£
When I apologised to my personal officer, his words were β¦ we knew you weren't coming back. Mad times
Aye the kids I had later are good souls, caused us a lot of stress at times and would happily have them adopted even at their ages now at times, but we've done a good job.
(Trigger warning)
Extremely proud of both of them, but my lil' girl well she's come so far. It wasn't until she was 16 that we knew she'd been 'assaulted' at the age of 6. Manifesting in eating disorders, self harming β¦ the usual. CAMHs were absolutely fantastic in putting her back together. As she has. One thing is certain in my life; it's a good job I don't know who β¦ unfortunately you can protect kids from the world only so far, before part of it claims them
A friend of mine was on steroid inhalers after smoke inhalation damage. He hated it. He used to get a lot of oral thrush. So many things that are meant to help us can work against us too. I take 16 different meds a day and 2 are to counteract other meds β¦ thinking back he used to use discs full of powder in a nebuliser too, can't think what they were called. I hope yours give you some relief, or as much as they can
I think you were thinking of Inverter when you said Alternator ? regarding the solar panels. Or I could be wrong
Filming the storms β¦ she tried to make me watch 18 minutes of it yesterday β¦ 30 seconds later and it was β I am not sitting here for 18 minutes watching the same thing over and over.
And she has the cheek to tell people I'm mad and weird. LOL at th fire brigade β¦ you could have asked them to check for spidersAgain joking aside, when your brain starts playing those games, I know how hard it is to get it to be calm, to think about it rationally. I have to switch off the What Ifs as quick as possible or else I'm in trouble.
Thankfully I've done a lot of work with my Psychologist to be able to manage it, if not banish it
Your TRIGGER WARNING:
Wow. I don't say that in disbelief, I say it in a way that you should be proud of yourself for still being here. The mind is indeed a fragile thing but you've proven, also a strong thing not to have totally snapped. I've been where you were in more ways than one. It all came to a head for me the day I was making plans, not wanting to die as such, but not knowing how to live with the feelings, the shame, the thoughts/ memories. So dying was the only viable option. It's only a chance knock on the door that stopped me destroying so many lives. And that's when I sought help and the GP's were fantastic. Touching base with appointments every
week until first I saw the PsychiatristIt sounds like you really suffered mentally at the hands of those who are meant to help heal the damage caused by the hands of others. It shouldn't be that way.
I was lucky, I really trusted and sensed her understanding,empathy when I went through firstly Exposure Therapy and then later, EMDR Thrapy, even when she had me sobbing a few years earlier with acceptingAcceptance. I cried my fricking eyes out π
I'm so sorry to read of your suicidal ideations, believe me when I say the world needs gentle hearts like yourself in it β¦ I shouldn't have chuckled when I read about the train App but maybe we are doppelgangers β¦ the one time I reached out to the Samaritans β¦ they were engaged. I remember thinking, well doesn't that about sum it up
I'm so sorry to read everything you've been through, I know it's not a pity party, but expression β¦ and always cathartic to get things outin words. God I hope I don't sound patronising
You come across as coping with everything the best you can in the best way you know, I keep myself grounded too using techniques β¦ I don't know about you but it can get so tiring. There's some things you've wrote β¦ well no words of mine can help except to say β¦ I
understand your feelings, and I've with you on no forgiveness.
Mindfulness can only work if your mind is empty IMO and mine really is constant noise and hypervigilance still. There's no way I can stand anywhere and have a male behind me, I get so uptight that if they touched me β¦ I'd be done for assault. As for going to Liverpool β¦ whenever we've got to go there for my wife, I'm always physically ill before leaving. A strange thing happened two times before last β¦ we were sat down having food and I felt really weird,
and I said to my wife β¦ it's 18.03 isn't it. And yep it was. So the body really does remember trauma along with the mindI think we and others here have so much in common, I personally find it
hard to be kind to myself. I still think I'm not worthy. Proud of how far I've come but not worth the pride of others if that makes senseThat said, I'm always a great friend (bad enemy to those deserving) soplease always reach out here β¦ who else is going to enjoy my music
β¦I think I've waffled enough now,
Take care . Have a great hopefully cool weekend with the muttlets, I've got Ruudy tomorrow by myself. I hope I've got more energy to keep an autistic, hyperactive,naughty Cocker occupied
PS
β¦ thanks for all the facts etc β¦ always good to learn. Would be handy for a pub quiz if I didn't have Social AnxietyπI wonder how long the Mods will let this go on for π
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Paper Portraits β¦ for all those people out there who are quick to talk about others, chinese whispers, making up what they don't know. Just to make people lives a misery for the hell of it. When they've got more skeletons in their closets than the average cemetery.
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I truly appreciate your words @WelshBlue, so very genuine, insightful and caring. Nothing patronising whatsoever. My heartfelt thanks to you π« . I am ok and whilst not 'medically fixed', nor planning to be, I use my own fixes including the grounding I mentioned and being kind to myself, or TRY to be. Some of my interactions with healthcare professionals just demonstrated their lack of understanding of CPTSD and how the wrong approach can cause harm.
The use of positive psychology has helped somewhat (not 'fake it 'till you make it' though). I have what I thought was something I'd personally created but is actually used in political contexts - my BSometer (I pronounce it 'biz-ometer' π) which mostly has served me well; it's slipped through the net occasionally when I've been overwhelmed so not getting overwhelmed is my daily focus/priority. The work on my bungalow was stressful because of the constant coming and going and keeping my dogs calm and safe, especially Snicket, but I can be grateful for that now.
Yes! It was an Invertor I meant ha ha not an Alternator ππ .
I'm sorry that your friend had mouth problems with the steroid inhaler and/or nebuliser. I'm lucky I suppose as never had oral thrush but my steroid inhaler is only once a day in the morning; I don't always have breakfast (it helps to have breakfast immediately after using it) so because it's quite 'time critical' I immediately wash my mouth out and gargle to get rid of any residue and definitely do not swallow the water.
I'll see you and raise you π - I was on one BP medication before Covid now on 32 meds a day (one for each diagnosisπ€£). But, they keep me ticking over which I'm grateful for especially my enzyme replacement therapy; so glad I'm not in US and without insurance as I've seen people having to pay hundreds of dollars a month or, sadly, having to use alternatives, often potentially inferior.
I don't think the mods will stop the thread, I hope not. I apologise as I've, unusually ππ, took it off track somewhat. Your title 'Back from the Brink' was very aptly named though; I've seen there's several of your music tracks I've missed so looking forward to listening to them.
I hope you don't mind Welshblue but I'll separately post a few sources that may help others, or just be on interest, with PTSD or CPTSD. Then I'll be back on track ππ.
I'm very relieved for you that your electrical mishap wasn't worse - my TV arrived last night and just attaching the small stand was like a major feat of engineering ππ¬π. Try using your teeth to help insert 4 small screws with your nose getting in the way whilst trying desparately not to swallow them with 4 muttlets watching on wondering what the heck I was doing. But all's well that ends well π.....
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I am so very glad @Welshblue that your daughter received help from CAMHS and yourself from your GPs and others involved in your care. I wouldn't like to think that my experiences may hinder others from seeking help. I hope it's ok that I've listed a few below that might be of interest and help to people particularly with PTSD or CPTSD.
So I found a psychotherapist via the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk) in April 2025 and she is still in my life and made a very positive difference. There are tens of thousands registered and c 20k registered with a searchable, online profile. I literally went through thousands (c 4 weeks of looking) of online profiles to find my 'person' - there is a filter to narrow searches! Some offer a discounted rate too if people have financial hardships. I'd emailed and spoke to three first to narrow down who could be the best suited for my situation.
www.ctpsdfoundation.org
Based in the US but with a global reach via its' online programmes. They have various subscription based/paid programmes (I have not subscribed to these specifically so cannot give testimony) however, they also offer online peer to peer support programmes free of charge (all Eastern or Pacific time); blogs and YouTube library of podcasts etc. I'd highlight their STAR Network which provides free, trauma- informed support for survivors of toxic and narcissistic relationships.
NAPAC (National Association for People abused in Childhood). They're on 0808 801 0331 Monday to Friday 1000 to 2100hrs and Friday 1000 to 1800hrs. They're closed at weekends. They are the UK's only dedicated national support line for adults who've survived all forms of childhood abuse. There's also online booklets if people prefer that to ringing which also include 'Disability & Abuse'', 'Male Survivors' and 'Healing at your Pace'.
And finally... the book, 'The Body keeps the Score' by the Dutch psychiatrist and author, Bessel van der Kolk.
Oh also the 'Hub of Hope' website (www.hubofhope.co.uk) which is mainly a database to find mental health support nationally.
And now..... to the music πΆ π΅π.
I hope you have a lovely weekend Welshblue and a magical day today with the lovely Ruudy. Take good care.
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I hope you got on ok at your dentist appointment @SheffieldMan1976 I'm very lucky mine is amazing, if a bit far away but worth her weight in gold π€©π.
My mum's 'annus horribilis' with so many appointments was 2018 to 2019 resulting in her going to a nursing home; it involved many, many calamties from a double wardrobe falling on her (all 5 stone of her managed to pull it over) to the Home losing her teeth after just a week or so of being their. Mum managed to smile throughout most of it, including without her teeth ππ₯°. Music and love got her through (and quite a few very good doctors and dentists!).
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@Santosha12 β¦ I hope you had a good weekend. Gosh no I don't mind the links β¦. had a look myself. When you suffer this alphabet soup, all resources are helpful to have in your arsenal - it's definitely one size doesn't fit all for most of us.
Your experiences show that we can only trust our mind to those who understand the complexities of everyone's trouble being totally different to their last patient. It's scary to think how much irrepairable damage that can be done by the wrong approach to an all ready fragile mind. My Exposure Therapy was conducted slowly slowly for months then the Bish Bosh and it was extremely hard. Mentally and Physically. PTSD & Fibro can go hand in hand β¦I don't think I could have coped opening up too much, too soon β¦ which is why it annoys me when I hear stories like yours. It's not just the mind, it's the lives these 'professionals' are playing with
I've hoped to a god I don't believe in, that it's not a postcode lottery for resources for people struggling/ suffering out there. Or is incompetence worse ?
I hear you on the not getting overwhelmed. I think that's one thing I really struggle with. Scratch that β¦ I know it's one thing I really struggle. All the grounding/ breathing/ somatics in the world sometimes don't seem enough. Then I get frustrated and angry because β¦ well because it didn't use to be me. Once the sensory overload kicks in β¦ I know I'm in for a humdinger of a relapse of pain for lord knows how long. A big test this week, time for my annual sigmoidoscopy and biopsy to determine if the Leukoplakia caused by the trauma is still playing nice. So loads of practice of all techniques
Everything you write above and in the past, you should be extremely proud of coping like you do. Especially being housebound where your surroundings are constant. I know I'm lucky that I can jump in the car β¦ if only to stare out over a valley. At least I don't sob anymore.
The dogs, and the work on your house must have been unsettling for them. Just the noise alone, with the intrusion β¦ sensitive souls. I remember having to get Ruudy to say 'Hello' to any noisy tool I got out. Then introduce him slowly to the noise. Didn't stop him biting me though π€£ Now he looks at me dolefully when the extension lead comes out of the shed , harumphs and snorts when I plug a tool in and comes in the house
32 meds - okay. I'm not gonna raise you. I'm folding π
We are lucky living where we are. I remember how one of my old GP's was telling me of when he was on holiday in the US, was in a pharmacy and there was an old man asking which tablets he could do without on his list. Really shouldn't be like that in such a rich country
Was laughing to myself at the thought of the dogs looking at you thinking β¦ humans are so weird . Luckily I can still use my hands somewhat β¦ if I put screws in my mouth, I know which way there headed I'm so witwat < Welsh word for dopey. You did better than the son when he was in Liverpool, when he built a lift up bed β¦ he used a spoon. Always did have doubts if he's mine π
I hope you got the TV all connected and are happy with the picture quality etc
Catch you soon and take care
Coffee Fear Taste β¦ an early song before I got used to mixing sounds etc. Quite apt to post this one with all the links above. Masking the inner me. Not one my best but still got me through the tunnel towards the light. I wrote this one on a weekend I was by myself with a can of Stella Artois on the table staring at me. The strength won over the longing. Lager Fear Taste didn't sound right for a title β¦
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Good morning @WelshBlue, I hope your test goes all ok this week, I do/did find them stressful but insisted on pain relief and sedation, when they refused as it's 'not needed', at my last colonoscopy, I just got off the trolley and said ok fine I'm going home then. They got me what I'd asked for. I'm not the most compliant patient although, to be fair, it had all been arranged, (supposedly), in advance, as well as the use of a paediatric Scope.
In 2021 and during the lockdown, I got a 'phone call from hospital to book me in for a 'virtual colonoscopy'; my immediate response was 'you've got to be joking, this is getting ridiculous now''. It turned out it was just the name of the (CT/xray) procedure, not that it was being done remotely π€£ππ€. I'd had physio remotely/virtually on the 'phone but a colonoscopy.... note to self: to listen first, not take it so literally and ask questions ha ha. It gave us a good laugh though. The mind really did boggle at that one.
I'm glad you can get out in your car, especially to look at the valleys. I can go in my car but only at 20mph and rarely, there's not so many roads I can drive safely near me so slowly. It might have to go later this year, don't relish that prospect.
Luckily, I only use my teeth to drop the screw into place, that's hard enough but not to turn them that would be an incredible feat. I was faffing for half an hour trying to work out how the flat stand fitted on it until I realised there was another part to attach to both the stand and TV ππ¬.
Take good care this week, back to listen to your music later today, did listen to your Coffee song but late last night so back to that too but that was very good I thought.
Couldn't quite get my equilibrium back this weekend after Thursday nights' storm and possibly more this week but I'm keeping fingers crossed (metaphorically speaking as they don't cross now ha ha π) that it's all quiet on the western front.
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@Santosha12 lol I had a virtual Physio appointment after shoulder surgery β¦ the Orthapaedic surgeon went bonkers when I told him. It set me back a bit because they wanted me to have Ultra Sound treatment to speed up recovery. I need my left one done now but got an 'open' line to the hospital when I'm ready to go ahead. But that's not going to be any time soon. I'm coping OK
Thanks for the best wishes for the procedure this week. I'm desensitised to it all now. It's been so many years. It was a shock all those moons ago when a surgeon who'd done a routine procedure asked me if I was Gay β¦ then told me what they'd found. Something else to hate my attackers for. But to use a term you love β¦ it is what it is π€£ Wasn't always that way but can't change it, so not point getting stressed about it or they're winning again
The first General Surgeon I saw didn't help β¦ I don't want the responsibility, you've got a ticking timebomb up your **** β¦ that did wonders for my MH. So I was referred to Colo-Rectal 120 miles away. They insisted I was put under. Big hassle of a hospital car in the morning someone to pick me up at night. Long story short 2 years later they missed a biopsy due to an oversight. PALs were useless. So I wrote an email to the Chief Exec' saying I'm sure WalesOnline would be interested in the lack of care. 2 days later I had an appointment for the following week at my local General Hospital π€£Where I met the most brilliant Surgeon who's been doing it ever since. And I'm awake so got more control over it all, but what works for one, doesn't work for all
My throatβ¦ they'd have to sedate me, hit me on the head and tie me to the bed π€
The hands, grip etc are something when we've been blessed in the past, take for granted ? I know I did and that's why I get so frustrated at dropping things, and small screws like you've described. Nightmare. Whenever possible I use blutac or a magnet
It's difficult to get back on an even keel, when something like the storms invades your thoughts, I hope you get there soon π
All Quiet on The Western Front β¦ great book. I'll have to read that again
Take care
( Thanks for the kind words β¦ in general and for my music)
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After The Fear β¦ a letter to my attackers β¦
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