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  • KevStA
    KevStA Online Community Member Posts: 12 Contributor
    What is the difference between a stoat and a weasel  ??

    One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatily different
  • Chloe_Alumni
    Chloe_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 10,506 Championing
    I sold my vacuum the other day.

    All it was doing was collecting dust. 
  • KevStA
    KevStA Online Community Member Posts: 12 Contributor
    Who is the coolest guy in hospital ??
    The ultrasound guy.
    When the ultrasound guy is on holiday who is the coolest guy in hospital ??
    The hip replacement guy.
  • KevStA
    KevStA Online Community Member Posts: 12 Contributor
    I said to the Doctor "Doctor, Doctor, I've broken my arm in two places"

    "Stop going to these two places"
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Empowering
    Okay so I just asked my Google Home speaker to tell me a joke...

    "What did the walnut say to the cashew? I walnut let you down."

    I take no responsibility for this joke :D 
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,750 Online Community Programme Lead
    Alexa should hang her head in shame:
    "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers."
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    I posted my boomerang ‘Return to sender’
    when it returned I told the postman “you can have it if you like” He said “no”, I said “why not?” He said “I don’t want any comebacks.”

  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    Where do quick sketch artists come from? 

    Pencil Vania.
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    My six year old asked “who puts the bubbles in my lemonade?” I told him straight ...“fizzyologists.”
  • Chloe_Alumni
    Chloe_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 10,506 Championing
    Why don't grasshoppers like football?

    They're all about cricket!

    *You've got Alexa to thank for this one.
  • KevStA
    KevStA Online Community Member Posts: 12 Contributor
    What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?


    Phillipe Ferlop
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Empowering
    During the Corona crisis my dentist said I should tend to my teeth on my own.

    How? I asked.

    He said "Brace yourself" 
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    What’s the secret code that sheep use?

    Baa code.
  • Chloe_Alumni
    Chloe_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 10,506 Championing
    These have made me laugh far too much!  :D
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Empowering
    @Chloe_Scope
    Likewise, there are some crackers! 

    What's a dog's favourite dinosaur film? 

    Jurassic Bark 
  • wilko
    wilko Online Community Member Posts: 2,438 Championing
    Paddy phoned Murphy, I’ve just reading the local paper and in the recently deceased column that you died.Murphy replied,  yes I see that, Paddy asked,  it doesn’t say the cause of death or date of the funeral .
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    For three days running mick had driven past a field and seen spud in the middle of it reading a newspaper. In the end he had to know why and so he went over and asked him “ why are you in this field everyday reading a newspaper?” Spud replied “ oh, cos it says in this here paper that if you want to get a knighthood you have to be outstanding in your field.”
    (Jethro)
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,750 Online Community Programme Lead
    edited July 2020
    A pantomime villain has escaped the theatre and is at large in a nearby town. 

    Residents are being told to look out, he’s behind you!
  • KevStA
    KevStA Online Community Member Posts: 12 Contributor
    How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb ??

    Juan
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing

    There were two men eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

    (Frank Carson)

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