Autism/Depression

Kali85

Enjoy your rest, speak soon 😊

Strawberry1

@Kali85 , what is sleep like for yourself? Sometimes I never want to wake up I'd rather stay in bed . Hope it is ok to ask. I apologise in advance if I'm intruding.

Kali85

it’s an absolute nightmare, I have insomnia sooo bad! I have to take sleeping pills every night My brain won’t shut off and if someone has upset me I lay in bed all night thinking about every last tiny detail and no amount of sleeping pills work so I try my hardest to avoid people that stress me out as I can go days with no sleep and I cannot function without sleep. I also just want to stay asleep and sometimes just stay in bed all day where I am so deeply depressed and fed up with everything, it’s a horrible way to live

Kali85

You are not intruding it’s nice to talk with people that understand the struggles we have. My partner doesn’t understand how hard it is

Strawberry1

Thank you @Kali85 , ive had issues with sleep for years and like yourself if something upsets me I would not be able to sleep because of my racing mind . I don't think any family member who is not going through such stuff would ever understand. Thank you , thank you and thank you again 💓

Kali85

Wow racing mind is a perfect way to explain it, thank you Strawberry1

Strawberry1

Your welcome @Kali85 . No problem 😊.

Strawberry1

I also don't deal with change in circumstances very well either . Something occurred the other day where I put in a position where I had to change the way I usually do something. I felt panicked , upset and very very stressed . Is this something you experience ?

Kali85

Yes it happens all the time, if my plans change my brain feels like it’s going to explode, I think it’s bcoz I plan every last detail in my head before hand. I also have to do everything a certain way or my brain gets overwhelmed, even going into supermarkets I have walk round the correct way I cannot walk off down an aisle I have to follow it round the way it’s laid out, or like hanging my washing out I get annoyed if my partner tries to help as I do it in a ritual kind of way same with everything i do, every last thing has to be put in the correct place otherwise it feels too chaotic and I get irritated, it is exhausting having a brain wired like mine. Is it the same for you?

Andi66

Seeing your posts on Autism, for me . I go over and over situations in my head of what happened and other senerios of alternative situations. I often need time for myself which people can't deal with or understand. I also have physical health problems.

A ex friend when I needed time for myself was.so vile. Slagging me off, me having counselling etc . I was always there for her. Even when I felt drained and ill, used to meet her in town. I now personally don't want friends as such, always get used by mean people .I have done nothing wrong only wanted space for a little while , so unfair

Kali85

I do exact same thing, literally any social interaction whether it’s in person or fone call I replay the whole thing in my head over n over on a loop it’s drives me mad! I do this even if it’s not a bad interaction any interaction leads to me replaying every last detail in my head bcoz of me doing this I have to have time alone bcoz it feels exhausting and I can’t stop doing it, nice to know that I am not the only one that does this. I also seem to attract mean ppl that just wana take from me n have no consideration or compassion for how I am feeling so I also tend to avoid most ppl too

Strawberry1

I'm the same @Kali85 with change in circumstances.

Jimm_Scope

I will often lay at night and replay things that have happened during the day and try to imagine how I could've done better. It isn't always a healthy thing though, so I do try and stop myself if I notice I'm going over something too much.

Strawberry1

We do seem to have a lot in common here. It is good to talk because it does help others alot . Thank you @Kali85 , @Andi66 and @Jimm_Scope Thank you 😊.

Andi66

Helps me, apart from my daughter I don't know anyone else with autism. Once your diagnosed which I was very late in life, you don't get any help after. My daughter the same she was at 14 , no help . I hope more is done by Labour to get more help , etc understanding of people with autism.

Strawberry1

Until Labour do something we have one another to chat to @Andi66 . Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself too.

bookrabbit

I have recently started wondering if I have ADHD as well as autism. I get the racing thoughts constantly and feel restless and anxious all the time. I really need to move and be active but as I also have a lot of pain and fatigue I really can't do anything like as much as I want to.

I never used to think I had attention problems because I get hyper focused on my special interests but that is in itself an attention problem isn't it? Because it means I don't pay attention to other things that I really ought to. I only get things done when I write them down and tick them off.

I simply can't make a decision properly because life has too many variables. I always agonise over making up my mind trying to get it exactly right but then jump randomly when I run up against a time constraint or simply can't bear being trapped in my thoughts any longer. The only way I can get to sleep is to have my mind occupied by an audiobook so my thoughts don't wander off in painful directions. And after a life full of bad decisions there are a multitude of those. Having it playing also gives me something to focus on if I wake in a spiral of bad thoughts too.

I really don't think I am depressed as such and absolutely don't want meds for it with all the side effects and additional problems that would bring. I think anyone in my situation would spend a fair bit of time crying. There is only so much a person can cope with.

I do that analysing thing after every social interaction too. It is dreadful. Round and round and round. Picking out every wrong word I spoke and seeing every way I misunderstood at the time and picking up every negative connotation of what the other person said and what they could have thought I meant because my words were ambiguous.

I was homeless earlier this year and really wanted to get on with the neighbours but already I am sure they all dislike me. I try to reign in my paranoid tendencies but it isn't all my imagination. I can't even do social situations with my family, in fact they are the worst because I feel they ought to be understanding but they aren't at all. It seems that I am the only one who even attempts to understand and make allowances for their behaviour. My physical problems are obvious but even if I try to explain that I am autistic I just get a comment such as isn't everyone on the spectrum somewhere? I can't begin to explain how severe my social anxiety is. For ten years I was basically locked away from the world after complete emotional burnout and only emerged because I was thrown out of my home. I am trying to get something positive from it by re-engaging with the world but am not being very successful.

While anxiety definitely goes along with autism I am not convinced that depression does. It is just so hard to cope with the neuro typical world out there!!

Kali85

wow I relate to everything you have said (apart from the depression bit as I am extremely depressed bcoz of awful things that have happened in my **** life I also have complex PTSD) the way you have worded everything especially the analysing of social interactions was worded perfectly like how you think about words you said wrong and how you could of said it better etc I do the same thing, I replay situations out and think of how I said wrong thing or my body language was wrong, or how the person could of misinterpreted that so I should of said something else instead, also play out the situations a completely different way to how it actually happened too it gives me a headache going on and on! I really struggle to put my problems into to words I struggle to explain my struggles if that makes sense, I am always in my head constantly I psychoanalyse myself to try to find the best possible way to explain my pain or problems so normal ppl will understand me, and I also psychoanalyse myself to try and work things out to try and help myself or my situation. I to feel like I always make wrong decisions all the time my life is full of the wrong decisions, I also dwell on those wrong decision and hate myself for making them! I am ridiculously indecisive I hate having too many options sometimes I end up just shutting down and going without something bcoz I cannot decide! Too many options frazzles my brain. I have a very big family and I am unable to be around them as I cannot do more than 1 or 2 ppl at a time If there is a group of my family I get so anxious my heart races and I go completely quiet I won’t say a word as I am stuck in my head it’s like I freeze, I sometimes have panic attacks too, if I have to do a family thing like funeral etc I have to drink lots of alcohol just so I dont feel like I am frozen with anxiety. My family are not understanding in any way, they have the kind of attitude of “just snap out of it” or just do this or that, “why am I so weak kinda attitude”, or “I’m pretty sure your brother has autism but he just gets on with life he works!” “You’re just being lazy!!” My family are not supportive at all! Over a decade ago I had nervous breakdown and I didn’t leave my flat for over a year, I was diagnosed with agoraphobia I had to do CBT to eventually get me out of the house, I still don’t like going out now I try to do my shopping online, or if I do go shopping it’s with my partner and we go late in the evening so it’s not busy, I can never go anywhere alone either, I feel so bad as my partner wants to go out and do things like he loves to travel abroad I cannot do an airport and certainly not a plane! (Claustrophobic too!) I can only go out somewhere with ppl like groups (not too over crowded or packed) if I drink alcohol I feel really pathetic at times I just want to live my life without crippling anxiety!! Makes me so sad, I don’t want to live in my head! I am sick of family or friends making me feel like I am constantly making up excuses to get out of doing something or making me feel like I am lying, I never lie I am too honest for my own good! I actually don’t understand why ppl lie! I am sick to death of being misunderstood by family and friends I feel like nobody cares or has any compassion for how hard it is to be me.

Andi66

Makes me annoyed when people say to you every one is a bit autistic, it's patronising and makes light of the condition. Because I tend to be a bit slow for things to sink in at times , been called retarded . No good at relationships or friendship. Get taken advantage of in both. I find it impossible unless I'm with someone to go outside of my small city. I've had trauma in my life and just finished counselling after a 4 year wait. Even then it may connect the pieces that things are linked ,in my case since childhood but it doesn't stop people in the here and now being so cruel that it effects you. I think in my case I don't want close friends, ends up one-sided,

Even though they are to blame ,they blame you. They have no understanding of autism. How space is needed ,to them they see you as selfish and that you are snubbing them. When all you want is a week of peace to help you focus and rebuild but that to them , we are the selfish ones.

Kali85

I’ve heard ppl say a few times that they think all males have autism it really annoys me when I hear that! I just try and keep myself to myself as ppl always mistreat me and I am so sensitive too so I get really upset. That’s awful that someone called you retarded ppl can be so cruel, my brothers always call me stupid and slow bcoz I take things that are said literally so I look really gullible so they constantly say certain things just to make me look stupid! I also take a while for things to sink in too, like I don’t always get a joke straight away takes me a while.