Complex PTSD and no help available

JeremyJ

Holly - I’m not sure what you are going through, I often revert to http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm
if I’m struggling. I really hope you’re okay.

newborn

Holly i won't of course ask more than you choose to say about your chaos event.   (If some time you do feel like saying anything,  it would be good if one of us could help in some way or other) But whatever it is, you know  you are loved and needed here.   It is not only caring about you, it is how important you are, in your turn.

Once, l was nursing a mainly dying ward.   Cleaning people who had lost control, moving them  alone at night when they weighed twice my own weight, coming off 11 hours barely  able to stand or keep eyes open, but l loved it, and needed it, and knowing l was valuable and could be gentle and kind and caring in their last days or hours on earth.....you cannot imagine how much those men gave to me, far more than everything i could do for them.

Can you make sense of that?   I can't  quite grasp it myself,  but i know theres something important.   Maybe we all might matter. Maybe we don't have  much idea how important we might be. How needed.   Ive never been valuable.  As a joke l say that L'Oreal have banned me from using their products, because im not worth anything to anyone.

But Holly, you had just better put up with the fact you absolutely have to stay here.  You can't  go away from people who need you.  You are one of us.   There aren't many who can (a bit)  understand.    You are a lovely person, There's a lot for you to contribute, and there must  be something you can take, too.

HollyGCat

TRIGGGERS AND SOME - PLEASE DON'T FLAG ME.  I KNOW WHO WILL ANSWER OF YOU AND THATS WHAT I NEED

Chaos Part1 - Saturday at 8 PM.  An argument (minor) starts in my house.  Husband (who I love) snaps!  Properly, with the pressure of caring for me.
He, attempts to jump out of a window, I stop him. Having recently had heart issues he then pounds at his chest to try, I assume to damage his heart.  No matter how I try to reason with him, it doesn't work.  I must start to become dissociative because I then have hazier memories.

I never leave my room let alone the house, but I am outside.  See a car, go to step in front of it (I can only recall this in a flash like memory).  Next I am in the middle of a wooded area, lost, pitch black.  I know he has gone, but I don't know how or when.  

I call the police because I think he is going to kill himself and I know its my fault.

Phone dies on me. I am falling over in the brambles and I am disorientated and feel like my vision is fractured.  I sit down and the police come to me.  They immediately decide they are going to S136 me, even though I have made no threats towards myself, am harming no one, though I do see it was an unusual place for me to be in the dark.  But I have called for my husband.

With some displeasure I tell them that they do not have a lawful right to section me, and the reasons why.  Given I have over 20 years experience as a Detective Inspector prior to being retired due to my mental illness, my law is 'good'.  An advantage no doubt when dealing with clueless and sometimes unkind officers.

I am then directed back to my house.  I explain I am phobic of police, not anti police.  I tell them I cannot be around people and make no eye contact and to keep their distance and I will walk back.

As I enter my house, unexpected to me, two officers walk down my stairs within my house.  I scream.  I run into a room and place myself against the door which they try to push open.  I demand that they have not lawful right to be there.  They incorrectly quote S17 PACE and I point out to them that this is only for immediate risk to life and as there is none to mine, they should leave.  I am very frightened......chaos part 2 to follow

HollyGCat

Chaos Part 2 - They say, okay, hope you find your husband and leave.  Meanwhile, my daughter has called them and stated he has heart issues, is vulnerable etc.  They place him as a high risk missing person.  They send up the helicopter, put him on social media, knock all my neighbours doors.  I stay for the next 12 hours in the house with a brief interview with a detective who tries to ascertain if I have assaulted him, hidden him in the attic, etc etc..Having decided I haven't I am left alone.  I am hysterical.  I start taking the tablets.  I am convinced he is dead and its all my fault.

12 hours later he turns his phone on, he is quickly found.  But, he sends me a run of hate filled messages that say I have ruined his life.  He is safe and well though.

HollyGCat

Chaos 3 - He returns full of remorse.  But, he has left me in a house not knowing if he was dead, and equally knowing my likely reaction would be to kill myself.  So a bit difficult to get over.  He called his boss before me, to find out what was going on. Now to my frustration.  Having had my former employers/ees in my home, who I am severely phobic about because of the discrimination I faced due to having a mental illness, I am now, suicidal.  I cannot bring myself to speak to him without anger.  The mental health team who I contacted, are less than interested even though I told them I will kill myself if they do not get him a break from me, they are offering nothing.  So what really is the point.  They have rolled out a red carpet to my husband with numerous people wanting to speak to him tomorrow, GP, Mental Health, gardening leave, Occupational Health, Union support.  Me, nothing.  I basically feel like I am being managed to death and no one cares.  So as unhelpful as these tablets are, taking a whole heap of them seems a way out.  TRIGGERS ALL OVER THIS.  This was the summary!!!  Any idea how I can get the mental health team to care that I will die if they don't start doing something to help me?

HollyGCat

Just hope that my former career causes no one to much judgement.   I was pretty nice!

JeremyJ

HollyGCat said:

Just hope that my former career causes no one to much judgement.   I was pretty nice!

Years ago I worked in Siberia (really), often with people who had nothing. I became friendly with a scientist called Andrei circa 1996 - he was very
poor but very welcoming
and sharing. I  never forget him saying to me ‘do not judge and you will not be judged’ - I try (not always successfully) to live my life like that.

Your chaos sounds complicated, I’m
not sure how to advise. All I know is that you’ve helped me with your posts and no doubt others, you are such a worthwhile person and I’m so sorry that
you are going through this.

HollyGCat

Wolverhampton and Siberia, are they twinned per chance, some similarities? Siberia sounds....cold.....

good quote re judgement. Trust me I’ve seen the best and worst in my former career and I’ve seen it from being in it, and being mentally ill out of it...good and bad....

It’s just impossible to get help from the services who are supposed to give it! 

newborn

This is a huge risk, replying at all. But you made the enormous  move of posting.   Disclaimer  only that im speaking  from my heart and hope it goes right.

Im sure you were pretty nice, as you say!.   You still are.   You still, too, manage to write in your remarkable style cramming a page-worth into a vivid phrase.    One of the many positive things ahead, has to somehow involve you writing. Think of the evidence you could give, for inquiries, investigations, and simply telling your unique story.  People who don't  have any idea need to be told. But those who do know all too well, need to hear one of their own speaking so clearly.   It's validation.  It's explanation.  

If i could talk like what used to be called a Dutch Uncle,  obviously from ignorance as an outsider,  l would express dismay  about a good person with a good brain and a loving husband and loving daughter,  managing to waste part of her life on the absurdities and  cruelties of  harm-causing health systems.   You have decided this cannot go unchanged.   You must be correct.  You  stood up to the police. You went out to find your husband.  You are not voiceless,  after all,  just recovering from being  battered by the n.h.s.  The system  harmed, so no more system. You know  you have to get a plan B

You will know how to design the no drug no treatment unique personalised Holly route to a new life.  Centering your days on being  ill has cost too much.   You can't change what happened  but you know you must change what happens  next.   Your husband  and daughter  didn't  sign up for  you to turn into Aunt Ada Doom, and nor did you!

Your insight and experience must be invaluable,  never mind if it's voluntary or/and part time,  or even, at a push, online or phone based.   You need occupation,    exercise  (yes, l do remember your aside re running, "not so much!")  Im 100% with you there, but facts are, unfortunately,  outdoor  physical  exercise  does more good than any purported  mental health treatment.  And a loving family. And occupation.  And meaningful purpose  in life. And a social  life, which might need redesigning to tailor for the eye contact hiccups.  (Online groups  are fine but also, what about mixing wearing darkened glasses?    You could equip yourself with a handy explanation  about an eye condition involving light sensitivity including artificial light.)

Or, walking groups have the merit of being side by side. Any practical task, such as allotments or community projects, means people  can speak or not, look into faces or not, as they look at the work in hand.

At this moment,  you haven't  had time to process what happened. But have you noticed that even with the handicap  of those wretched drugs, you managed twice to outmanoeuvre attempted power misuse, then achieved exactly the thing you wanted.  Your husband  needed a break.  You  needed him to get whatever would help him. You got him, immediately,  a shedload of help, with full bells and whistles.    Not bad going, was it, from a standing start? 

Gently,  could you let me suggest your thinking is very sharp when pushed, you are the exact opposite  of snowflake,  you are one impressive woman, and you are  understandably having a moment's  lapse of logic if you try to return to the old way, which didnt work, of wanting to  be the ill person getting harmful nhs treatment and threatening suicide.  Better to be the full Holly instead.  The world will like it,  we will like it, your husband  and daughter will, and  above all,  with so much potential  combined with so much experience and so much determination, you will love every day.

dolfrog

SurvivingTara 


I am also dyslexic, Auditory Processing Disorder is the underlying cause of my dyslexia symptom.

I also have problems processing large chunks of text, long paragraphs etc, I use a word processing program to brake down large long paragraphs sometimes using alternating font colours between sentences, and as you mentioned a new line for each sentence.

And sometimes I can typr long paragraphs online with multiple spelling mistakes when i try to  explain complex issues. I was identified as being dyslexic in my mid 40s and clinically diagnosed as having Auditory Processing Disorder , a listening disability or the brain having problems processing what the ears hear. in my late 40s,  

I have problems when threads have what for me are too may posts, I have a Facebook group where I am the Admin and I can have real problems checking all posts each day lol 

JeremyJ

HollyGCat said:

Wolverhampton and Siberia, are they twinned per chance, some similarities? Siberia sounds....cold.....

good quote re judgement. Trust me I’ve seen the best and worst in my former career and I’ve seen it from being in it, and being mentally ill out of it...good and bad....

It’s just impossible to get help from the services who are supposed to give it! 

Yes I can see that, and as you and others have posted, the system doesn’t help. It seems designed to be frustrating and harmful. A paradigm shift is needed but it’s difficult to see this until there’s a change in the flat earth approach to understanding mental health and too often there is a confusion between mental health and mental illness. At the moment - it feels to me like it requires individuals to keep fighting and pushing their own cause and with a huge slice of luck finding some support or help that involves a real understanding of the DEVELOPMENTAL (credit to Tara) trauma that is unique to CPTSD.

Also I want to say how brave those posters are who also have additional challenges such as dyslexia - thank you too.

As Newborn says, you are inspiring and brave. I will be thinking and hoping that today is better for you.

ps Wolverhampton is far scarier than Siberia! ?

Chloe_Alumni

Hi @HollyGCat, @SurvivingTara, @newborn, @JeremyJ and @dolfrog. Thank you for continuing to share your experiences in such detail and supporting each other. If any of you would like to reach out the community team then please feel free to message us on here, tag us in your post or email our inbox at community@scope.org.uk

Hope you all have a lovely day!

SurvivingTara

There are questions that need to be asked and then we need to stick together, move forth and do something, (e.g .as Newborn says, write a book to expose how we were treated, or start a group or something else that one of you may come up with).

As Jeremy J said  a paradigm shift is needed now, we have all suffered in environments, but also we need to understand, (and many are becoming aware now) how certain organizations have a hidden agenda, (and there are many and various) and use the sensitive and vulnerable employees like us  for their own ends, then discredit and discard or lock them up when they are no longer of use. “Man`s inhumanity to Man”, on a world scale.

The bottom line is this.....The planet and all therein are at one minute to midnight , it has been building up for some time and many of us who have worked in organizations have experienced the wrong people in management ,(power, control , and corruption, for an organizational reason) , and chosen people who are  insensitive, and lack  compassion and connection with one another and it is being challenged by some, big time now, and we sensitive folk on here and others like us in the universe are feeling the energies, the chaos,  the dynamism and challenges.

Sensitive good folks are being affected and have all become victims of the  agenda in society, and certain individuals have been pushed to the margins in organizations and some placed in psychiatric units, even prisons to shut them up, so the agenda can progress.  

Something is going on universally and in the UK, that we individuals have been unaware of,  and caught in the crossfire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2GjZTpT7nU

Stepping Stones with Brian Gerrish on the state of organizations, (NHS, Police, Education etc), the orchestrated breakdown of society, whistleblowers brutally atacked, employees stressed out in the UK, and about what they are doing to people in service of a once  secret agenda, the deliberate creation of breakdown in insitiutions, nations, and communities. Some people are still sleepwalking, however, many are awakening and realizing it is Not them, they have been used and abused in something larger. We need to start lifting the stones.

Yes, personally  we may  have experienced developmental trauma, CPTSD,  and as Dolfrog  empathizes, dyslexia, but tried to rise above all that and got training and employment and gone out in the world willing to work within organizations,  in an attempt to do our best for humanity..

However, there was another agenda, the organizational agenda, the world agenda, which is not always for the individual, compassionate  and for the good of humanity! We always thought, and I in particular, was brought up to think certain organizations actually cared for the individual, it is a shock to learn to the contrary.

Therefore, we sensitive beings,  (https://hsperson.com/) ,  got caught in the crossfire of what is going on globally, it`s like a spiritual war, and because we and others who have been working for the good have in a way been silenced, got out of the way.

 It has  affected our mental and physical health (and with experience of developmental trauma we initially experienced), therefore, we as lone people got stressed and worn out, so  it was easy for the dark agenda in organizations to get us out of the way, to section us, to try to prove us not worthy of being listened to, discredited us, made us sick, etc...So the corrupt agenda  could come forth, one of conflict with one another, for we have become disconnected as a protection from suffering.  The agenda, of lack of compassion, and connection with one another, nature, and the whole of the planet has occurred.    

Personally,  I have seen and experienced much of which all of you have been sharing.

I have witnessed abuse, bullying and marginalizing  of individuals within organizations  for decades, and it has been done on purpose, covered up and many have colluded.  The police, NHS, councils, training organizations, charities  etc many are implicated.

 Bullies can bully because they are jealous of their target's status, talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions. Bullies act without integrity, and despise people who display it. Contrary to what management says, or the public believe, they are used by organizations to further a hidden agenda (Tim Field)

I have supported someone from the police, a good DI who was forced into a psychiatric hospital, forced onto drugs, to prove her not fit for purpose, to get her out of the way, because she cared, and stood up against abusive practices.

 Someone in the NHS abusing patients. I was beaten up and legs burned with a cigarette because of whistle blowing.

 In a training organization, a ring of CSAers, of children in training from a care home, whistle blew and took the correct procedure. Covered up, union rep moved, others silenced,  then I was frog marched from employment and  thrown down the stairs, all to silence me.

 Therefore, when we whistle blow on organizational agendas, (because we care and are sensitive, our mental health suffers for we have already experienced trauma) and this is what certain organizations want, because we experience stress in dealing with challenges, they want to prove we have mental health issues, which in their eyes proves we are not a reliable witness, and not fit for purpose. 

 In the workplace, bullying is a form of psychological violence, and certain people can sniff out those they can bully for purpose.

 If the police, or care team in NHS, for example, barge insensitively into a human beings life, they will react, the fight and flight mechanism will be triggered, and fear will be apparent.  They know this... It does not mean the person is defective, they are just scared and been triggered to respond instinctively   ( Peter Levine on trauma).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZwMC66-sBM

Trauma and Somatic Experiencing - Peter Levine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFUZHz6_0XE

Somatic psychology is a form of Psychotherapy that focuses on somatic experience, and the embodied self, including therapeutic and holistic approaches to body. ... Peter Levine then developed his own way of combining body and mind and the somatic regulators that connect these two dimensions in his therapy.

We have all suffered, and got personal challenges (of various kinds) through to adult life.

Psychological terror involving hostile and unethical communication in environments, directed in a systematic way by one or a few individuals mainly toward one individual is bullying.

https://bullyonline.org/index.php/about-bullyonline/147-tim-field

Bullying others and poor behaviour are used by many organizations which we work in, who have a hidden agenda, they are aware bullying is a health hazard.

It seems counterintuitive  for the public to believe this, so they don`t believe anyone would harm or abuse another, that’s how the many organizations, on the stage of life have got away with this, (e.g.  this public perception, everyone is good and caring), it`s a deep subject and very clever how it`s condoned.

Sensitive caring people are the casualties, worn down by the constant battery of “Man`s inhumanity to Man”.

Yes, people who have partnered us have also  had a challenging time, if they have stayed the course with us, they  have been brave,  and courageous. However, many leave, for its too hard a challenge this path we tread.

The point is, now it`s time for the good ones to be heard.

So many on here have had employment in these organizations and been forced out because they were good at their jobs, caring and compassionate in helping and facilitating others, we wanted to do this.

The caring compassionate ones need to cleave together, to step up to the plate (and a lone person can`t do this task now), know they are OK, yes it`s affected our health, the powers that be wanted that as proof we were not OK, but we are, we need to move forward.

Yes, we initially suffered CPTSD, and trauma that has made us sensitive to others, and in a way we can build from this to go forth as Newborn says, and write about these experiences, expose them to the light, or something else we can do to cause individuals on this planet once again to be unconditionally loved, respected, prized, and honoured. Because at one minute to midnight  the planet and all of humanity is hanging in the balance.

We need to care and love ourselves first, we have done no wrong, just coped the best we could, with the tools we had been given. Destroying ourselves is not an option Holly G cat, we need your light for this work, and your partner is needed also to facilitate your success.

When the Body Says No -- Caring for ourselves while caring for others. Dr. Gabor Maté

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6IL8WVyMMs&pbjreload=10

It`s important that we all realise we are all OK, good enough people, we are exposing to the light what is really happening. We react the way we do to conflict in relationships, because we experienced CPTSD, and don`t desire more, we are human.Our freinds, family and services need to get a handle on this and understand, we were traumatized.

We need to keep on carrying the torch of goodness. We are all wanted and worthy.

It is challenging for us when we are in our own space, triggered by something and flip into a flashback with experienced symptoms.We have to understand this and pick up on it and be kind to ourselves also, (yes, hard to do, but not when we believe we are wanted and OK, give ourselves a hug) .

To recap things are happening........

There is a world level.

There is an  organizational level

Comunity level

Family / generational level

Then us, the individual being. We are all connected, we can enable this Jeremy J paradigm shift.

HollyGCat

@SurvivingTara There are questions that need to be asked and then we need to stick together, move forth and do something, (e.g .as Newborn says, write a book to expose how we were treated, or start a group or something else that one of you may come up with).

I have so many comments, thanks remarks and I have not even read to the end of your post.  But there is the knowledge on here, but we feel this is our voice, how do we work against what seems so impossible. 

I have read the comments of drugs and NHS. I see it. How do we, not individually challenge it.

I see brilliant minds, hugely intelligent, experienced and frustrated experience.

So, together, we have a voice if limited separates. There is something we can do, but, it needs to be one message. We can’t change the world, but collectively we can stand up against one wrong.

Which is it.  This is my thought amongst so many wrongs. How, Tara you are immensely positive and have so much knowledge. You all have so much strength, pain, and they could never deal with us collectively. 

We want better, deserve better, where to start? 

I have not thanked numerous lovely caring comments and I’m overwhelmed...I will when less all consumed x

HollyGCat

I have spent my entire day asking for accountability from MH services so I am probably beaten down making little sense 

SurvivingTara

Holly G Cat, please hold on, we really need people like you in the world.

Yes, really!!!!!

I feel and understand your emotional pain and suffering.

Speak your truth it is important. These people will try to beat us down.

You are making wonderful sense. Courageous you, please hang in there, stand your ground..

This has to pass and bring you to a better space.

dolfrog

I have always known that I was different, well from the age of 5 years old when it was obvious that most others did things differently. I did not understand how differently until our children were having similar issues, and our eldest at the age of 10 was daignosed as having Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) (which at that time was called Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD)). he was one of the first children with that diagnosis in the UK,

I had to get a computer and go online to investigate what CAPD was in detail so we could get some support for him,
A few months later I joined a USA based support group run by an audiologist who also has CAPD, which was essentialy there to provide information and support for USa parents of children whoi have APD. After 3 months instead of learning about APD,
I had discovered that I had been living with APD all of my life, and was  more explaining how to work around some of the related issues. 
I am not sure who those in the UK found out about my interest in APD, but in the early 2000s I was asked to set up a support group so that the UK Medical Research Council (MRC) could gain UK government funding for a 5 year APD research program. I set up APDUK  in 2002-3 and the MRC got their funding in 2004. I was diagnosed as having APD in 2003 which was my qualification to run APDUK. (APDUK was wound up in 2014)
My APD diagnosis explained so much as to how my life had been so problematic at times, but as time progressed it also explained why my wife (who also has an APD diagnosis) understood one another so well. The Random Gap Detection Test, explained why I was dyslexic and why I have problems processing what peoples are saying if for me they are talking too fast.

The MRC researchers sent me pdfs of their research papers, I had never read a research paper before , took me 3 months to read the first ones all the technical terminology, and not being able to pronounce it ( all part of APD), since then I have discovered that I can speed read some research papers lol. I have also been a Wikipedia article editor, more editing the support information rather than the word most read,  Wikipedia allow their editors to have User web pages which I have used to list some of my Research paper collections which you may find of some interest. They are mainly related to invisible disabilities. 

My Dolfrog Wikipedia User page
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Dolfrog  

SurvivingTara

Dolfrog this is amazing work and what a journey. Setting up the APDUK  in 2002-3 and then MRC got their funding in 2004.

It sounds very, very familiar, the going to have a child assessed and then being assessed yourself.

At the secondary school I was informed that there was something wrong with me, 31 out of 31 in class for english and maths, and no I would not be able to do any examinations to enable me to go to college or university.

Therefore, It happened with me that way also Dolfrog. Daughter was diagnosed with the condition dyslexia by Dr Margaret Newton a specialist psychologist on the condition  dyslexia at Aston University in the early 80s, I was diagnosed at the same time and with dyspraxia also. Now I knew what was wrong with me...(I eventually at a late stage in my life went on with assistance/buddy to get my training, in my chosen subject, degrees and a masters, but that is by the way, for I have learned later in life it matters not what certs one has, it is who we are as a person that matters, our  empathy, compassion, and kindness for other beings and where they are and their struggles).

However,  many schools at the time of daughter`s diagnosis did not want to recognise this special needs condition and provide help, so we had to take this to high court to get a statement and assistance. Even then there was resistance to teach strategies and it was a stigma. It meant paying for a private teacher  of children suffering from a disability no-one can see or understand,  dyslexia, Dr Beve Hornsby, at that time was a help.

I am very saddened to hear today, people still telling me of their struggle to secure assistance for dyslexia and the still trying to enshroud the learning difference into other things.

Keep on keeping on Dolfrog your work is invaluable !!!

 

dolfrog

Hi @SurvivingTara ,

The 2013 International Dyslexia symposium held at Oxford University spent a week discussing the underlying cognitive causes of the dyslexia symptom. Dyslexia is a shared symptom of three types of clinical conditions. the three cognitive subtypes of dyslexia are - auditory, visual, and attentional - which means that an auditory processing disorder, a visual processing disorder, an attention disorder, or any combination of these issues can cause the dyslexia symptom.

The temporal type of Auditory processing disorder, my brain having problems processing the gaps between sounds that my ears hear, which can include th gaps between words in rapid speech, is the underlying cognitive cause of m dyslexia symptom. As I mentioned above the Random Gap Detection test measures the size of gap between sounds and individual can process, When I did the test it did not include a gap large enough fr me to process. I am not cognitively able to process the gaps between the sounds that the letters in a word represent. I am cognitively not able to use phonics, nor able to phonetically sound new or unfamiliar words from the written word,text.

Basically all who are identified as being dyslexic should be referred to an audiologist, optometrist, psychiatrist, to have the underlying cause of their dyslexic symptom clinically diagnosed. Dyslexia is only about having problems decoding and recoding the visual notation of speech, and the underlying cognitive causes of dyslexia each have a wide range of other symptoms. 

You could have a look at my "What is dyslexia ?" web page which includes some links to related research.

SurvivingTara

Thank you dolfrog for this brilliant information, about the further research regarding  the umbrella term dyslexia being of three pillars, auditory, attemtional and visual.

Researchers in the 80s must have suspected something like this then, as I remember going to a guy in London, who watched our eyes as we read a page of text, or listened to speach.

Also other characteristics, behaviours or symptoms go with this condition, and folks used to think it was just spelling, or number and letter reversals, no we said there are other things as well, in everyday life and functioning. Under stress and stress of being observed we perform badly and speech can be strange as well, sometimes spoonerisms...

This is really interesting progress, and  exciting research. As I am out of all this field now, I am not up to speed on further reseach, therefore from my own and daughter`s point of view, interested to learn about further investigation into these cognitive functions. Amazing.

Hopefully testers will have refined their tests now and made them inclusive and expanded?

Thank you again Dolfrog for the information on the research and understanding of this learning difference:)