Mental health

Been a tough five weeks, battling the old dark matter and physical health. After being refused counselling through a local charity and with a letter being sent by one of there therapists to the local CMHT, I’ve been refused any form of Psychology Support. With them stating I want to work on the here and now problems such as the isolation and inability to get out and about, so they’ve sent me an area coordinator to work with me. Fair to say that I need the talking therapy to help me to start living again 😤 Complaint sent off to the local NHS Trust! I’ve kind of neglected up keep of the flat properly the past five weeks, doing the bare minimum, the same with personal care. Just felt completely lost, on edge, irritable, numb, soulless and like a death eater from Harry Potter.
Really been struggling with balancing the finances due to being exhausted all the time, run down and just not having the will to cook at times so I’ve ordered take away for sometimes six days in a town of which I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I have to go and have my flu and covid injections tomorrow and I just don’t want to leave my safe zone.
I’ve managed to do some housework today and painted the old nails while listening to Amy Macdonald.
I just have to keep saying to myself you’ve got this, you’re stronger than you know and you are a good person.

I’ve tried reopening contact with friends, two very good friends who are going through their own battles with mental health. I found myself sending them both a similar message saying that I it’s best I not be part of there lives as I’m not a good person and have been a terrible friend to them over recent years and that they’ve got there families and friends around them. I’ve deleted all main social media, no what’s app and deleted all phone numbers.
I sat there thinking about it the other day, I live alone in a large city, with no family or friends around to be there for me, instead my thinking switched to I’ve grown away from them and that I’ve become more, The only person I should be worrying about is myself and I’m following my own path.

I was flicking through You Tube earlier tonight and a video of James Blunt singing a song about his Father with a vocal coach reacting to it. I wrote a comment about the song but then added a comment about me being distanced from my own father, that I’ll never know if he has passed on and would never be able to say goodbye to him. I don’t know why but just typing that out just made me start crying, which I’ve not done since 2023. Shook me to the core big time.