Mental health

Been a tough five weeks, battling the old dark matter and physical health. After being refused counselling through a local charity and with a letter being sent by one of there therapists to the local CMHT, I’ve been refused any form of Psychology Support. With them stating I want to work on the here and now problems such as the isolation and inability to get out and about, so they’ve sent me an area coordinator to work with me. Fair to say that I need the talking therapy to help me to start living again 😤 Complaint sent off to the local NHS Trust! I’ve kind of neglected up keep of the flat properly the past five weeks, doing the bare minimum, the same with personal care. Just felt completely lost, on edge, irritable, numb, soulless and like a death eater from Harry Potter.
Really been struggling with balancing the finances due to being exhausted all the time, run down and just not having the will to cook at times so I’ve ordered take away for sometimes six days in a town of which I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I have to go and have my flu and covid injections tomorrow and I just don’t want to leave my safe zone.
I’ve managed to do some housework today and painted the old nails while listening to Amy Macdonald.
I just have to keep saying to myself you’ve got this, you’re stronger than you know and you are a good person.

I’ve tried reopening contact with friends, two very good friends who are going through their own battles with mental health. I found myself sending them both a similar message saying that I it’s best I not be part of there lives as I’m not a good person and have been a terrible friend to them over recent years and that they’ve got there families and friends around them. I’ve deleted all main social media, no what’s app and deleted all phone numbers.
I sat there thinking about it the other day, I live alone in a large city, with no family or friends around to be there for me, instead my thinking switched to I’ve grown away from them and that I’ve become more, The only person I should be worrying about is myself and I’m following my own path.

I was flicking through You Tube earlier tonight and a video of James Blunt singing a song about his Father with a vocal coach reacting to it. I wrote a comment about the song but then added a comment about me being distanced from my own father, that I’ll never know if he has passed on and would never be able to say goodbye to him. I don’t know why but just typing that out just made me start crying, which I’ve not done since 2023. Shook me to the core big time.

Hi Catherine,

Even though it’s still the day after me bawling my eyes out, I’m kind of still shook up by it and can’t figure out how it just suddenly happened. My Father is an emotionally abusive and controlling person, who I barely spoke to even living under the same roof up until 2012, in fact I kind of look from childhood up until the year I moved out and we never had any meaningful conversations other than a few words here and there. I guess that once my Mum and Dad pass, it’s going to be up to my Sister to organise and pay for there funerals or if either has to go into a home fund that as well. My Sister is very much a Daddy’s girl and someone who I never got on with or liked. Over ten years since I’ve seen them or other members of my family with no formal lines of contact, no phone numbers etc. They don’t know where I live, have my address or my telephone number. Guess it takes guts to stand up and say I don’t want any further contact between us and for the first time in my life physically stand up for myself against them. Main protagonists were always my father, sister, my dads brother, wife and three daughters. I always respected and looked out for my Mum when I lived at home, but since the less than acrimonious split ten years ago, I’ve had to kind of look at the bigger picture with my Mum. I’ve since found out she didn’t want a second child, felt forced into having me, when I was born due to how poorly I was she said to a health professional - would people think of me as bad if I gave him up, health professionals were regularly telling my mum to tell me she loved me and later down the road when I was in a boarding school in the lakes, she was begging for funding to keep me at school 365 days a year 😔 when you see in black and white that as a child I told a social worker that I felt that I was being treated differently at home compared to my sister. I was always the hexagon sized piece that didn’t fit into a round hole! The only people I truly felt akin to and really gelled with was my Mums side of the family, who sadly many have passed away in a short time frame and I didn’t get to say goodbye or see before they passed, mainly due to my mother and sister having a falling out with them and I was barred from seeing them by my mother. Until my Uncle who was my Godfather passed away, it’s something I can never forgive my Mum for.

I just hope there all ok and are safe and have kind of said goodbye to them in my own way.