How is your day going?

Good morning.

I didn't sleep much again.

The rain here has cleared and its cold.

I am going Remembrance later.

Quiet day to say the least, didn’t wake up until nearly 11. Not been sleeping as much the past week, even taking antidepressants hasn’t helped the old insomnia. Just resting up but contemplating how much stuff I’ve got to do, washing, full flat clean and two planters to wallop and plant up. Then chuck in gp appointment, fluovid jabs and maybe a trip to the cinema. I’ve just buried my old swede in the sand since late September and let things get on top of me again.

I am sorry for your pain, Catherine. We haven't met yet on this forum, I am thinking, but it can indeed be difficult when people seemingly turn towards joy and repress the sorrow. However, life is both, ain't it? Could be an interesting topic to pursue, if there wasn't so much shame and such around difficult subjects. What is it that things often need to look Instagrammable?

Hang in there.

I’m going to watch Nuremberg with Remi Malek and Russel Crowe

Catherine this forum tell us that is the world is not as nice but there is always hope.... I have bad days and sometimes good days but I would never pretend is a good day If is bad. People are in a terrible state and other not so much. The forum is about accepting things are bad but will not be forever. And since there are people worse than us. It does bring hope that things could be worse and also could be better. I would not delete the account. This forum is helping me .... Encourage me to carry on in very bleak times.

Must admit as the days gone on my mood has soured more and more. I know I’ve got a gp appointment for my gastric system on Wednesday, but in all honesty I don’t want to leave the flat, same with the cinema on Saturday. I keep questioning what’s wrong with me, what’s my worth and in all honesty the whole purpose of breathing. I don’t call the flat home, more like a prison! The last true home I had was with my ex wife where I had a life, now I’ve just got nothing. Just have nothing in my life or anything to keep me going, each day I wake up I I’m always disappointed. I’m not talking about a certain thing that would trigger alarms. I just wouldn’t act on anything, I’d just let nature take its cause over the coming years.

I’ve sent an email to my GP surgery cancelling my appointment on Wednesday, couldn’t care less about my physical or mental health. Even though I need to have flu and Covid jabs, I think they can go by the wayside. Cinema wise not a good idea to go, knowing me I’d fall asleep like I’ve done in the past. I’m going to cancel the meeting with the area coordinator, I did say I wanted to work on targets to help me live again and frankly there isn’t any point in doing so. Gonna just run myself into the ground further and further, going to do the bare minimum to get through each day.

Is it bad that I’ve decided to give up all fighting, decided to accept things as they are and just don’t care about myself or what happens to me. Gonna start withdrawing meds over time, just don’t see the point in taking a placebo every night. Gonna just cut them off as of tomorrow and chuck them in the bin. I’m a horrible person, failure to family, so called friends and those that I’ve lost. Just gonna disappear and become like one of those people forget lives in the flat above. All that check on your neighbours doesn’t apply to me.