Autism/Depression

happy birthday @Catherine21 hope you have a lovely day ❤️

I also have spent my whole life feeling not good enough, anything I do is wrong! Although it seems to be grained into my brain so it’s my own stupid thoughts causing me to think that way, but also lot of the time it is other toxic relationships that make me feel this way, always criticising me and making me feel stupid. I am also so ridiculously hard n judgmental on myself in everything yet wen it comes to other ppl i have compassion n understanding for them, no judgement or harsh thought for them but never no kind words or compassion for myself

thanks @Catherine21 i had same feelings from extremely young age too, I used to look at my siblings and cousins & I couldn’t understand how they were just living life just doing normal things, I just didn’t know how to do that, I’m stuck in my head constantly thinking where do I fit in, anything I do is sooo much effort, anytime I would have relationship with someone they always end up leaving me out, or just cut me off for no reason, I’d spend days/months making myself ill trying to understand what I have done wrong! I always get left out of everything, it was always me that was always picked on & practical joke played on. Ppl know I am sensitive yet they keep doing awful things to me, I don’t see them treating other ppl in same way they treat me. I too feel more content when I am completely isolated no one around to hurt me no stress or headaches because of ppl being fine with me one min then completely cut me off next. Unfortunately I crave relationships with certain family & friends so I mourn for the loss of that. Only problem is I cut these ppl outa my life and then all it takes is a text or phone call from them & I get sucked back in, I think their my friend and turns out they just wanted to use me and I’m back to feeling awful and hating myself n my crappy life over again

Catching up a little but I think not feeling good enough is an ND trait. I think we put unreasonable pressure on ourselves sometimes as well. Especially when surrounded by people who are doing the same things with relatively little effort. It can be a struggle to recognise that we have to do things at our pace at times, and that we need to be kind to ourselves, rather than putting extra pressure on to catch up.

hi @Catherine21 thank you for your wise words. I too always made excuses for other ppls bad behaviour like maybe that person is going through a bad time, or just coz they are just not as thoughtful as me so they didn’t think about it like I do. I’d have so much compassion for them even though they had just stabbed me in the back. I’d blame myself and end up hating myself. This group has helped me so much as my whole life I have hated myself always wishing to be someone else just NOT me! Always thinking there’s something really wrong with me to keep getting treated exactly the same by completely different ppl, even my own family treat me like I am expendable! Now I know it’s not something wrong with me, as I am always kind and considerate, I have finally realised that I did not deserve how they treated me or the heartache they caused me, all sleepless nights, starving myself as I didn’t feel like I deserved to eat, causing my depression to spiral even deeper and darker.
Everytime ppl on this group share their stories and experiences I am so grateful as I can relate to every single one in some ways, so I now know I am not alone in this awful cruel world! There are ppl out there that are thoughtful like me, and full of empathy, compassion and show consideration for others, ppl that are genuinely kind hearted, that alone gives me hope. Thank you all on this group for sharing your stories and life experiences helping me see that my life is worth living. I just have got to cut out all my toxic relationships with my family and few friends I have and hopefully I can be at peace with myself and maybe I can actually like myself and one day learn to love myself.