Autism/Depression

hi @Catherine21 thank you for your wise words. I too always made excuses for other ppls bad behaviour like maybe that person is going through a bad time, or just coz they are just not as thoughtful as me so they didn’t think about it like I do. I’d have so much compassion for them even though they had just stabbed me in the back. I’d blame myself and end up hating myself. This group has helped me so much as my whole life I have hated myself always wishing to be someone else just NOT me! Always thinking there’s something really wrong with me to keep getting treated exactly the same by completely different ppl, even my own family treat me like I am expendable! Now I know it’s not something wrong with me, as I am always kind and considerate, I have finally realised that I did not deserve how they treated me or the heartache they caused me, all sleepless nights, starving myself as I didn’t feel like I deserved to eat, causing my depression to spiral even deeper and darker.
Everytime ppl on this group share their stories and experiences I am so grateful as I can relate to every single one in some ways, so I now know I am not alone in this awful cruel world! There are ppl out there that are thoughtful like me, and full of empathy, compassion and show consideration for others, ppl that are genuinely kind hearted, that alone gives me hope. Thank you all on this group for sharing your stories and life experiences helping me see that my life is worth living. I just have got to cut out all my toxic relationships with my family and few friends I have and hopefully I can be at peace with myself and maybe I can actually like myself and one day learn to love myself.

thank you @Catherine21 I could understand your writing perfectly, my brain also goes ten to the dozen, I sometimes struggle to explain what I mean, as my brains so overwhelmed, overloaded, and intense, thoughts racing so fast. it’s hard to express such raw emotions with words, so I struggle to express exactly what I really mean, words don’t justify exactly how I feel.
I cannot bare to see other ppl suffering, I was always the shoulder they cried on and I would just drop everything to be there for them, comforting them, listening to every word with compassion and offering advice, they would just use me for hard times, and favours then they go straight back to hanging out with mutual friends of ours and I don’t understand why Im not included they basically ghost me. Until they need me for something like a favour or shoulder to cry on or just bcoz their fed up of a certain friend so they come to me to moan etc then go straight back to hanging with them and leaving me out, ppl have been doing this same **** to me my whole life, I get so angry with myself for keep allowing ppl to keep treating me like this, makes me feel weak and pathetic, then the cycle of hating myself continues. I’ve learned not to even try talk about my problems, because it really hurts wen u realise same ppl that I care so deeply for, just do not care about me at all, in the past anytime I’ve tried to talk about myself I get dismissed, they change the subject, then they avoid and ghost me until they want something off me, it’s like I’m so scared of losing them so I struggle alone, I bottle everything up and I try to just be a good friend.
When I did dialectical behaviour therapy they taught us self care, we had to think of nice things to do for just ourselves, I chose bubble baths, it’s literally my safe place to go, when I’m really struggling ❤️