Greif- compounded with guilt — Scope | Disability forum
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Greif- compounded with guilt

smileysun
smileysun Community member Posts: 21 Courageous
Hey everyone,

Im feeling really guilty lately about my grandad. He lost my nan a few years ago and I feel I really haven't been visiting enough, and it makes me feel sick with guilt :( Im going to try my upmost best to make up for this from now on, but I think I struggle because it's outside my routine and that's really not good enough :( at all. 

I love my grandad with all my heart and I want to hopefully see him once a fortnight for a nice catchup, but am wondering is it too late to make up for lost time? 

My nan and me had a funny relationship so I stopped visiting them due to this, she used to say nasty things about my dad because him and my mum split up, but he never said a word, so I think unfortunately this got in the way and the habit was broken :( it sounds so disgusting even saying this out loud, but it is something I've really struggled with reintroducing.

Then there's my aunt who passed in December, she was my partner in crime, I loved her since I was little and we spend many hours together. She passed recently and Ive only been able to visit my uncle once since then, I KNOW she'd want me to visit so that he isn't lonely, but I haven't found the time to visit again, I think it's because work and life! and trying to squeeze all the activities in and just many things compounded together, the livingroom reminds me of her and I hate seeing his eyes fill with tears :( but you have to face these things to be there for people! ( wishing I wasn't so useless! I care SO deeply :( )  but Im visiting him this Saturday and plan to visit him once a fortnight too.

I just really needed to get this off my chest and I really needed advice from somebody who can maybe unpick this and help me see where the issues are, and how I can solve them before it's too late.

Thankyou for you're time <3 

sending much love to you all

Comments

  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member, Community Co-Production Group, Scope Member Posts: 19,634 Disability Gamechanger
    edited April 2
    Hi @smileysun It is never too late to visit family. Do not feel guilty it sounds to me as if you yourself are overwhelmed by it all and grief affects us all differently.
    Going forward try and make it a routine to visit your Grandad and Uncle every two weeks. You could visit one one week and the other the week after so you are not seeing both of them in the same week. If you can make it part of your routine it will be much easier for you to keep doing.
    Just remember you are important too and also grieving and do not be so hard on yourself.
    I am sure you will be able to do this. Perhaps you could keep us informed of how you get on. Take care and if you need a chat any time we are here for you.
    Good luck with your visit on Saturday.
  • smileysun
    smileysun Community member Posts: 21 Courageous
    Beaver79 said:
    Hi @smileysun It is never too late to visit family. Do not feel guilty it sounds to me as if you yourself are overwhelmed by it all and grief affects us all differently.
    Going forward try and make it a routine to visit your Grandad and Uncle every two weeks. You could visit one one week and the other the week after so you are not seeing both of them in the same week. If you can make it part of your routine it will be much easier for you to keep doing.
    Just remember you are important too and also grieving and do not be so hard on yourself.
    I am sure you will be able to do this. Perhaps you could keep us informed of how you get on. Take care and if you need a chat any time we are here for you.
    Good luck with your visit on Saturday.
    Thankyou so much, what a lovely thoughtful reply. That sounds like a really good plan! I think I also need to print out a calendar so that I can SEE the free days and visualise when things are in the week, my adhd has a way of running away with me so that time passes, and it's a real big issue! 

    Ill let you know how I get on and I appreciate you messaging and providing me with this idea and for you're sympathy/empathy, it's restored my faith in humanity and myself.

    x
  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member, Community Co-Production Group, Scope Member Posts: 19,634 Disability Gamechanger
    edited April 3
    Hi @smileysun I think printing off a calendar so you can plan your week is a great idea. You might also perhaps think about just going for an hour the first couple of times to see how things go. Perhaps making this at a time say 11.00am in the morning or 3.00pm in the afternoon so you could have a cup of tea and biscuits or a piece of cake. This would take any pressure off you to have to keep a conversation going which can sometimes be difficult when you have not seen someone for a while. I have my fingers crossed for you that your first visit  goes well. Take care.
  • Albus_Scope
    Albus_Scope Posts: 3,930 Scope online community team
    HI @smileysun I can see you've had some very thoughtful and ace suggestions already, but I wanted to firstly say I'm sorry for your loss.  As mentioned, grieving is tough and different for each person, but please be gentle with yourself.  I love the idea of a planner though, it really helps me stop myself from overload. 

    I definitely agree, it's never too late to try and I wish you all the best with this, it may not be easy, but none of the best things ever are. 
    Albus (he/him)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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  • smileysun
    smileysun Community member Posts: 21 Courageous
    HI @smileysun I can see you've had some very thoughtful and ace suggestions already, but I wanted to firstly say I'm sorry for your loss.  As mentioned, grieving is tough and different for each person, but please be gentle with yourself.  I love the idea of a planner though, it really helps me stop myself from overload. 

    I definitely agree, it's never too late to try and I wish you all the best with this, it may not be easy, but none of the best things ever are. 
    Hey Albus, 

    Thanks for you're reply! I know right, people can be so kind. It's usually those who experience these things first hand who are kinder, it's a shame the world can't act that way. Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

    Thankyou for you're condolences and kind words, it's a lot. It hits me at odd times, like when I'm on my exercise bike and trying hard to ' improve ' or when I feel I just want the comforting words of my aunt, but I'm trying to be strong, I find it hard to explain to people I feel bad so I just pretend I'm okay.

    Thankyou! I saw my grandad today, we had a lovely time and I told him id be back in a couple of weeks :) feeling much better about going now I've broken the cycle, he's the best, I love him alot.

    I love that he loves his tv guide and gets exited about old shows being on, and the fact that even though he's recovering from chemo he's so strong and brave and positive, I also love how sweet and giving he is, I lost many years with him and I NEED to get back what I have. How can one afternoon make you realise this, it's not fair, I wish id have been there more. I wish my nan didn't push us apart, but I hope I can get a few years with him now, I love him.

    All the best and I hope you are okay too!

    <3

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